How could I not have known how worthy I am of receiving?
How could I not have seen my true light and value?
How could I have spent the last 36 years without constantly honouring and bowing before the divinity that moves through me, that I am?
May I remember to bless myself, to love myself, to nurture myself and to honour myself.
May I eat food consciously and with gratitude.
May I stretch my beautiful body and feel the strength and grace in my muscles.
May I thank my mind for all the beautiful thinking it does for me.
May I appreciate my joints for bending and staying healthy and lubricated.
May I honour the tremendous amount of work that my organs, skin and bodily systems complete, without ever taking a break.
May I look at myself in the mirror and know that my body temple is magnificent and that it houses my bright and shiny soul who wants to come out to play and to love and to dance with all of creation.
May I remember to thank my heart, for beating and for leading me into this new territory of being open and vulnerable.
May I celebrate the fierce passion arising within me, the one that makes me feel like I have the power to ignite that same fire within the bellies and hearts of all.
May I honour myself so much that I never once question whether I should be authentic or not.
May my heart be light and may I nourish myself with love, healthy food, prayer, chanting, nature, dance and wonderful company as never before.
May every choice I make and every breath I take be rooted in love and gratitude and reverence for the being that I am.
May I always remember that I am worth it and that it is never a sacrifice to stop and take better care of all of my precious self.
Namaste and Wohoo, all at once : )
Note from me: I listened to the Guided Meditation for Conscious Eating from Ramdesh Kaur’s meditation CD called the Body Temple. It opened me up to all the ways that I could and wanted to honour myself more deeply. It was a deeply transformational experience that led me to hearing the words above in my head.
I am fresh from a wonderful healing session where I got down deep into the rejection fears I have had in this life, which have often left me in a serious protection/hiding mode. I admitted that it is so hard even now to call someone to find out if they want to get together and it was so funny to hear those words coming out of my mouth, words that do not even make any sense any longer with where I have been going, to the light, to the love. I have found that the more I go inside, to the deeper places that have haunted me so terribly, the more I realize that those fears, emotions and memories were never who I was in the first place. I’m finding it less scary and intimidating to face what I have previously repressed and shut down, because I know now that they are not real, that they are just there to show me how I covered my true self up, and that I’m still there under them, waiting to come out to shine again.
The healer and guide that I see was encouraging me to put myself in an imaginary coliseum of sorts, where everyone who has ever rejected me can come rushing out at me, ready to hurt me again (the idea behind this is that you totally surrender to the emotion and let it have you so you can be free from it, I’ve done this in other sessions with remarkable success!!). She was asking me to call out their names as they were coming towards me and it was amazing because she was calling out some names too of people I hadn’t even really considered as rejecting me, but from this fresh perspective, I could see how terrified I had been of what they may have said to me. It was a wonderful experience, feeling them all come, and knowing deep down now that no matter what happens to me, what any one says to me to try to hurt me, it will truly not affect me. I felt them rushing at me, but it was like they were melting by the time they got close to me, I was just a bright light that nothing could extinguish. I said that out loud and she helped me to see that all the work we had done together in that session leading up to that had already dissolved the power that I had given other people, the power to hurt me, so I was free and she had wanted me to feel that with that exercise. It was truly awe inspiring to be free of that, after so many memories of being terrified of being pushed away, of not being good enough, like there was something so wrong with me that people wouldn’t want me around.
Jean, the guide, was encouraging me to let in the light, to fill in all the places that the rejection had taken up in my body and in my heart, and to shine as me even brighter. As she was saying that, she stroked my hair at the top of my forehead, so gently, so tenderly, to love me and encourage me. It was the most tender and beautiful touch I had ever experienced at that moment and it made me so incredibly glad for the journey I have gone on in my life, so that I could step in to myself and be my true self and love my daughter the way I want to, without all the internal suffering going on that was limiting how I could be her parent. It made me remember all the times I have touched my own daughter like that, and all the yearnings I felt as a child to be held super close and stroked gently. I know I must have been held that way, but the memories must have been buried under the rejection fears I had. So, I said to Jean, “I’m so happy that Zara (my daughter) will remember and know what it feels like to be touched this way,” and I was crying as I was saying it and Jean said, “Zara will know who her mother really is.” I stopped, smiled and knew it as a truth, that Zara will know me not as being the emotions that used to run my life, but she will know me as me, as the love that I am (that we all are at our core, but we all get buried up and covered up by life, unless we are supported in staying as the love and learning how to be in the world without becoming the world). That is what I appreciate and value the most about Jean’s teachings, it’s not that we are all different, it’s not that we are the emotions and life situations and roles and beliefs and thoughts that we think we are, it’s really that we are all the same, we are all love, and we all have the abilities to shine and to genuinely love ourselves, know ourselves and honor ourselves, and from there, life becomes more fun, easier and so much more free, caring and loving.
Here is what I’ve learned about who I am and what my daughter has seen me move through in the past 20 months of healing sessions:
I am the light. Any thought, emotion, memory I have that is not loving or kind, is not who I am
I can help my body heal and regenerate physically as I let go of the stuff hidden inside (I have gone through some remarkable physical changes, that is for another post:)
There is an incredible and beautiful essence in my body and it lights up my body, it is my soul, my light, my love and that is my truth, it is me and I can feel it coursing through my body and I can use that feeling to connect with myself any time I feel lost in thoughts, in emotions or lost and scattered out in the world.
I can connect to myself and feel my light and amplify it around my body and throughout a room and cause a shift in the energy around me because I’m expanding the love I have inside around me so that I walk in light (and others experience it too) and not have to take on the panic, anger and despair that might be hanging around at the grocery store or otherwise.
I am learning that I love working with families to help them connect to themselves through creative movement, yoga, songs, games, crafts, stories and more, and that my heart sings when I am in a room full of children who learn that they can shift the energy in a room just by putting their hands on their hearts and feeling it beating and learning how to connect to themselves! (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com is where I describe more about the classes, and the training I’ve had and the tools I use, etc!)
I am not alone and I never was (none of us are). I can ask the universe and angels for help and I will receive it (and she does the same, honestly, to be at this place where I can feel scared and ask an angel to help me and actually feel the difference, the peace in my body, it is such a blessing after feeling for 32 years that I was completely alone in this world and so lost).
I’m sure the list can go on, but it would be more like, here are things I used to think about myself and now I don’t and I think that is a whole other post. If there was a self defeating thought or belief out there, I definitely had it, held onto it and made it who I was. I was a victim to everything, it was a role I am very familiar with and may even have won an Oscar for:)
I am so grateful for the opportunity to turn my life around and to live from my heart instead of despair. May we all get the chance to know ourselves as we really as and watch the magic unfold as we get to experience life, not through the eyes of the hurt, but from the love, and from the possibilities, and may we all remember that we are all the same, beautiful souls on different journeys, giving each other the different experiences we couldn’t experience unless we were here on Earth, ready for the ride.
I lived my life feeling alone. Feeling invisible, but also feeling so stand out-ish (I was nearly 6 feet by 12 years old!), ready to be seen and made fun of, picked at, judged and criticized. It was a tough balance, trying to hide, feeling obvious, feeling invisible, all at once. Not the best combination I say! I remember the times where I felt like I was alone, no one loved me, I didn’t love me, I didn’t know who I was, but I knew I was lost and alone.
I know we each have our own journey and I am starting to see how mine was perfectly arranged for me to leave so much of these feelings and emotions behind. We all have a journey here on this planet. We all came into this world, fully aware of what we wanted to accomplish, what we knew we needed to work on in this life, and how we chose our parents so that they would provide us with ample opportunities to be challenged and to go beyond what we were comfortable with, to break free, to awaken, to be more conscious, to learn to live in this world, without being a victim to it, or being a part of it and being dragged along with it every day. If you are interested in a book that outlines this in a very easy to understand way, you can pick up the Celestine Prophecy and the second part of it, called The 10th Insight, Holding the Vision, both by James Redfield. I had been learning these things from the healer/coach/guide our family sees here in Ottawa, but when I read these points in The 10th Insight, it sunk in deeper and really resonated with me as total truth:)
I wonder if I needed to feel so alone in this life, only to marvel at all the times that I was held up and supported by forces that I didn’t understand, but that I knew on some level. I know that many of us feel like things are crazy, like we are alone, like life is just too hard, if only we could know that someone cared, that someone had the time for us, etc., etc.. We are all the same, it’s only our stories that are different.
I’d like to share some stories with you about how I have learned that I was always supported in my life, even when things seemed really hard and super lonely. I’d like to share some of those stories from my earlier unconscious life (31 and younger!) and from my newer more conscious life (31 to now, nearly 33!).
May these stories encourage you to find a quiet moment, to lie down or sit up, to put your hands on your heart and to ask your heart to show you all the times that you were supported, even when you felt desperately alone. Take your time. Once you get some messages, let them soak into your awareness, let them fill you with love, with the knowledge that you are never alone and never have to be again.
If your mind gets in the way, it’s okay, kindly ask it to come up to a higher level of consciousness and ask it to work with you instead of against you. You know you believe in the possibilities, ask your mind to come along with you as you open yourself up to being more supported, to even believing that it is possible that you can ask for help whenever you need it and that your call with be answered, by the universe, by our creator, by God, by angels, by your guides, call them whatever you want, it matters not, it only matters that you believe, that you trust that you are worth it, that you deserve the support, that they were always with you. Go ahead, and ask them for help. If you’re not sure yet, read on. I still can’t believe what I have been doing in my personal life. I went from not believing in anything, to feeling the love and peace that can only come from the universe, from source, from angels, from God. I am so grateful for those feelings, those moments of remembering that no matter what, I am supported. And now, some stories:
I was in university working on my honors Biology final project. I had been in the computer lab for hours, I was exhausted and wanted to go home, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to complete on online application to work as a summer student for the Canadian federal government, so I stayed and completed it. After I graduated, I was back at home, feeling depressed that I hadn’t found a job despite my degree. I remember feeling worthless and useless. One night, I went out onto my parents’ driveway to get some fresh air and I vividly remember staring at the moon and stars and saying out loud, “I leave it up to you, I’m not sure what to do, can you take over,” or something to that effect. A few days later, I got a call from Health Canada (the Canadian FDA) and they wanted me to move to Ottawa for a job. Ha!! I didn’t know it then, but I was so being taken care of. Something/someone guided me to complete the application when it was the last thing I wanted to do and for some reason, I “let go” on that driveway and turned it over to the universe and it showed me what was possible because I let go of needing to make my life happen!
I started working full time at Health Canada at the Special Access Programme, which helps patients with life threatening conditions to get access to unapproved medications when all marketed treatments have been tried and failed. It was an incredible job that taught me a lot and gave me a huge appreciation for my own physical health (I didn’t know then that there was more than just medicine and that my health could markedly improve with energy work, kind of ironic, eh?). I remember working on some of the applications and I would hear a voice inside, guiding me, “you’d better call that doctor and ask him for more information.” I remember thinking, “oh okay, I’d better do that,” and thinking that I had a strong conscience or something. I think you can call it whatever you want, but what it comes down to is that I was being supported and guided to do the things that would serve those patients in their best interests.
When I was really sick and not doing well (please see the About page), our family’s naturopath told me to read the book The Journey by Brandon Bays, which is about going into the body, to the source of illness and finding out what memories and emotions are stored in the cells that could be causing the illness. I knew it was for me and I was just going to try the process out with a friend, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to look on The Journey website to see if there were any local practitioners. I checked it out one night and the list was really long but it seemed like there was only one name on it, like the others were blurred and the one name was really big. I remember thinking, “hmm, that’s really weird,” so I clicked on the profile and the person seemed really great, but I wasn’t ready so I closed it. The next night, the same thing happened, I had this strong feeling to look again and there was her name in big letters, even though they were the same size as the others. I made an appointment and here I am a year and a half later, so much more my true self, so much more free and open and happy and I go to see her regularly! If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ll see how much I’ve changed even in the past few months.
This summer, I was awoken in the middle of the night to some loud yelling and fighting. I literally felt paralyzed and terrified lying in bed. I was so unsure of what to do and all I could do was to call out for help in my mind and within moments, there was this tremendous peace and love that filled my body. I remember lying there, so pleased, so overwhelmingly overjoyed and then before I knew it, I was asleep. It was like a dream, but it was beyond real. I woke up the night morning, super excited at what had happened and so ready to be able to deal with what I had heard during the night, instead of being terrified! I wasn’t alone! All I did was ask for help and it came!
I had a big learning experience in one of the classes I teach and my mind was in overdrive, it was telling me what a bad job I had done, etc. etc. and I had enough. I was lying in bed with my daughter to help her get to sleep, but I was so restless and anxious, I may as well not have been there. I called out for help again because it had worked so well in the summer and within moments, my mind was quiet and I was at a peace. I remember lying there, relieved and somewhat in disbelief and then Zara was asleep, just like that. I had been assisted and she felt the shift and she could go to sleep.
Those are the key ones that I wanted to share for now. If you have any stories you’d like to share, please do so. We are all supported, even in our most unconscious or our most desperate moments. Believe in yourself, believe in what is possible, even if you don’t understand it yet, it’s there for you, loving you, holding you up, ready to give you the gift of love and company. Give it a try, you are worth it.
“the universe is a stage on which your mind dances with your body, guided by your heart.”
I am not sure that life can get any better than when your tea bag confirms your new life path! Yogi tea is a brand that was founded after Yogi Bhajan, who brought Kundalini yoga to North America and each tea bag has an inspirational phrase on it! Drink tea and be reminded of simple truths, sounds good to me!
I’ve been meaning to write this list for awhile now. Sometimes it feels surreal, like how can this actually be my life, how can I actually have shifted this much, how could I have gone from feeling miserable and shut down inside, to feeling this marvelous freedom that is around most of the time, that is actually me? Is this really what life is like I sometimes ask? And then I just need to stop, breathe and look at how far I’ve come, what I’ve learned and how anyone can do this too, I am not someone special or extraordinary, I am just me (although there is nothing “just” about me, and I am extraordinary and so are all of us, we just don’t know it and we haven’t been allowed/permitted, by ourselves or society, to know it).
So I’ve been reflective in the past few days, thinking about what has happened, where I am and here are some of my thoughts. I owe these learnings and these thoughts to my higher self, my higher self who was always there, who was always guiding me, loving me, supporting me, but who was obscured by the shadows of pain and sadness and judgement that were clouding everything. I also owe these learnings to Jean Brazeau, the healer/coach/guide our family sees, for she has opened my eyes, she has connected me to my higher self, she has coached me to be me, the true me. I will never have enough words for Jean, so instead, I share her message through this post and spread the love that she is to everyone I see by being my true self, who is also full of love. Namaste and many blessings to Jean!! I also owe these learnings to my husband Robbin and my daughter Zara. They are the lights in my life, they are so beautiful, so amazing, so fun, so perfect. Robbin is like a rock and he is so funny, such a gentleman, so silly, so grounded, so himself, so adventurous. He loves to cook, he loves me for me and he is my life and soul partner. I love him beyond words. And Zara, our beauty girl who just turned 3, she constantly teaches me about the world, shows me what is within me that is holding our family back and pushes me, with her beauty and her true-ness, to seek it out, to release it so we can all be free. Her intensity, her hilarity, her openness, are all inspiring, are all pure and beautiful. I am honored to be the third member in our little family.
And now, the learnings:
The body can take in what it needs and let the rest pass through. Jean taught me this. I was so sick, I couldn’t eat anything, I had a zillion food sensitivities and so did Zara, I had seen a naturopath, was on a crazy restricted diet, got somewhat back to health, only to have it come crashing down. I had a session with Jean, I took a look at how controlled I’ve always felt, how powerless and how food was entangled in that dynamic. I took back my power from food during that session with Jean and took back my power from my life, I had given it up years ago and was learning how to get it back. Bada boom bada bing, I could eat whatever I wanted (please see My Healings, and Food Healing for more details). Jean told me that we have all lost touch with our bodies so much, that our bodies can innately do so much, if we can let them. She said I could eat whatever I wanted, my body was healthy, it was just all the shut down parts of me that were holding me back from eating, and once we looked at what was causing the shut down, I was free, I released it, and could eat whatever I wanted and Zara too. I did that healing 8 months ago and I can still eat whatever I want. Our bodies can do so much more than we know, we just need to know this, we need to spread the message. Like a cold for instance, it’s actually our bodies’ way of releasing density, energy that is heavy, that is holding us back. Vomiting is the same, peeing/pooping, all of it, it’s how our body balances itself. If we can let the body be the body and release the energy and emotions that are holding it back from functioning, then we can let it go and do the work it wants to. Some awesome books about this are The Journey by Bradon Bays, she heals herself from a basketball size uterine tumor by releasing the emotions that caused the tumor in the first place. The other one is Living in a Body on a Planet by William Linville, he teaches about the body and it’s innate abilities to heal itself, regenerate and operate at an optimum level. This is stuff we should teach in schools:)
We all have the power, we just need to give ourselves permission to have it, to know it, to live it, to feel it. I never felt like I had any power in my life, I always wanted to be the best to get love, I always did what my parents told me because I wanted them to love me, I did everything for everyone but me. Then I started healing with Jean and now I’m seeing how I had given up so much in my life, so much of me, and now my life is going to be dedicated to living my true life, to make decisions for me from the heart, not because I want to make money, not because I think I’m fat, not because everyone else is doing something, not because it is the safe route, none of it. I am taking back my power, I will eat what I want, I will do what makes me happy, I will love myself and I will spread love wherever I go, I will smile at others because it feels right to me, I will use my voice because that is what it is for, I will not wait for others to speak for me, I will not wait for others to be responsible for me, I will make decisions, knowing that I am loved and supported by God, by the universe, by my higher self, and that I am not as limited by old roles, behaviors, or beliefs or judgements anymore. I will go for it, it is my life and I will live it dammit! I just started up a kids dance/yoga/movement class for the parents in my parenting group. I have no experience doing that, it just felt like the right thing to do and I’m really enjoying it. I would not have given myself permission to try that, to give it a shot, I would have worried about making money instead (I’ve been on leave since my daughter was born in Feb.2009), or I would have listened to the constant, “I can’t do it, I can’t do this,” in my head. Now, I’m playing with kids, teaching them with fun movements how to connect to their bodies, teaching them that they are pure love, that the emotions they feel are not them, that they can pull themselves back in, that they don’t need to hide parts of themselves away, that they are beautiful the way they are and then we get to have a crazy, silly time dancing. So in that way, I can teach them, learn from them, and empower them the way I have been slowly empowering myself with Jean’s help. A New Earth by Echardt Tolle was also helpful for me in this!
It is okay to use my voice. I always knew I was shy, but I didn’t realize just how much. I would very rarely speak up for myself. Since starting this healing journey, I’ve been learning about the importance of saying what I need to say, I’ve blogged about it actually and I hope to do it more and more as I get more opportunities to speak where I would previously have stayed silent.(https://livingmytruelife.com/2012/01/04/finding-my-voice-and-teaching-my-daughter-to-find-hers/). I’m wanting to make this a priority all the time. Instead of being too shy about asking if they could warm up my cookie at Starbucks, I am going to ask for it. If I like it that way and I say it with a smile, why would I not go for it. If the doctor is touching my daughter in a way that makes her uncomfortable I am going to say something about it. She has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I have to speak up, to show her that it is okay, that it is her body and that she can honor it, that no one, not even a doctor knows more than her about her own body. If I don’t like what someone has said to me, I will find a way to say it without anger, but from a calm, neutral place, to let them know what it was I didn’t like. If I see that someone is trying to intimidate me, I will smile inside, know that what they are saying and how they are acting, is not about me, and then I will say, “it seems as though you are really angry,” and then see how that goes! I learned about that from both the Celestine Prophecy and How to Talk to Kids so Kids Will Listen and Listen So They Will Talk. I will honor myself and hold myself from a place of trueness to my heart, from integrity, and if there are times when I do not speak, when my voice is lost, I will observe and see what I can do next time. I will not keep myself in the corner, lost in silence and suffering, now that I see that life does not need to be that way, I am tired of the old way of life. Let the love in I say, let me use my voice, let me give myself permission to be me, to speak, to love, to laugh and to lead by example for Zara and for the children of the world who are our future. Let them see us all reclaiming our power, our voices, before they start to give themselves up to the world like I did, like we likely all did. Thank you Jean for helping me find my voice in each session and to Robbin who coaches me, and who practices with me when I need to practice what I would say, and to Zara, who inspires me to change my views of myself and the world, she shows me what is possible.
I am going to end this post here. It feels right. I know there are more, but those are the biggest points for me, the ones I keep in my heart all the time. I will forever be grateful to Jean, to Robbin, to Zara and to all the people whom I’ve met in the past year, who have helped me to open up, to push beyond the bull, to be me, to all those who have always accepted me and loved me despite the huge conflict I always had inside. I am forever grateful and I am so happy to be flying now and spreading my wings and sprinkling pixie dust of hope and possibility and love wherever I go.
I have noticed, usually when lying in bed, that there are bright lights flashing in and across my eyes. I just figured we all had this…I never knew what it was, but I kind of enjoyed it. I sometimes pretended it was a light show to greet me or to help me get to sleep. For some reason, I decided to ask our family’s healer/guide/coach about it last week when I went for my latest healing session. She paused and consulted her guides and she said it was light. And I said, “just light?” and she said, “yes and you can try to let it in.” I smiled and a part of me totally agreed, I knew that it was a gift. I’m still not too sure where it’s coming from, from the universe, from God, from a higher power, from angels, I’m not sure, but I do know I like it.
So, this morning I woke up at 5:30am and I snuck out of our daughter’s room (I often end up sleeping with her for most or part of the night) and I went to cuddle with my husband. I didn’t think I would fall back asleep, so I was just lying there, enjoying it and then the lights flashed across my eyes. I recognized them, and I let them in. I’m not quite too sure what I did, if I non-verbally invited them in or what, but they came in. I did that for about a minute and then before I knew it, I was waking up nearly 45 minutes later. I was quite surprised and I had woken up forgetting about the lights.
Then at night, I was putting our daughter Zara to sleep and she was restless and tired and quite squirmy. I was holding her, and then we were lying down together and I was trying to calm down myself, in an effort to help her settle. I quieted my mind by telling my higher levels (we all have these, they are the parts of us that are only concerned with love, compassion and enjoyment, our lower levels identify with the body, they are the me, me, me levels, where the ego resides, where the money/power/greed parts lie) to take command so that I could be my true self (Jean, the healer taught me this and I’ve also read about it in Will Linville’s book, Living in a Body on a Planet: Your Divine Abilities) and quiet down and be calm in my mind and heart. That worked nicely, she was less squirmy, and then I saw the lights again, and I remembered how I had let them in this morning and how I had fallen asleep. I decided to try it with Zara, to see if it could possibly help her too. I let several lights in and then they changed colors, and became more purple. I knew that it was more significant somehow, but it may only have been because Jean told me once that purple is one of the highest colors (even then, I’m not sure what that means!). Then before I knew it, probably in less than a minute, Zara was asleep. I was really surprised and quite pleased!
I ran downstairs and told my husband, and I said, “I have something really significant to tell you,” and the funny part is that I don’t know why it’s significant, but I figure it must be. Did I just stumble upon a new relaxation technique that can help us all? Can it help the parents of young children who are desperate (like I have been!) to help their children get to sleep? Who knows! If you read this and you have some insights, please write a comment!!