Quote from Yogi tea bag:)

“the universe is a stage on which your mind dances with your body, guided by your heart.”

I am not sure that life can get any better than when your tea bag confirms your new life path!  Yogi tea is a brand that was founded after Yogi Bhajan, who brought Kundalini yoga to North America and each tea bag has an inspirational phrase on it!  Drink tea and be reminded of simple truths, sounds good to me!

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This little light of mine, I’m learning how to let it shine!

Today, right now, I am happy.  I am learning that happiness only comes from inside, that the more I blame the outside world for how I am feeling, the more miserable I will be.  I am learning that the more I can look inside and know that I am perfect, that I am love, that I am beautiful, that I am gentle and kind, then life will be easier and smoother.  I have been so blessed to have so many positive influences in my life lately that have helped show me the way to shine my light and to live from my love and my heart!

My last appointment with the healer and guide our family sees was really pivotal for me.  It helped me to see how closed off I still was, how I was still in protection mode and when you are in that mode, you are living in fear and the world becomes scary and then (at least for me), the blame and anger and resentment come and take over.  When you can live from your heart, from your love, from your light, you are open, you are receptive, you feel what goes on around you and it passes through, washes right over you.  I was slightly reeling, okay not slightly but very reeling after that session. I started to see how and where I was closed off and how that was causing me to be so outwardly blaming, when really what I was doing was feeling vulnerable and small and thinking I needed to protect myself (and my young daughter) from being hurt and feeling rejected.  I am learning that I create my experiences of life and that I can spend time giving up my power to thoughts, but that they will always be there, pulling me away from my heart or that I can consciously choose my heart over those thoughts.

I recently found a new self-awareness program called 2baware (www.2baware.net).  I came across it when a fellow WordPress user liked one of my posts, so I went to his blog and was astounded!  It is super exciting to meet someone else (I am meeting more and more!) who is committed to living a life of fun, of love and of moving away from fear.  I had the privilege of trying out the workshop he created as one of the followers of his blog (www.idolanuel.com) and I am super duper enjoying it.  It is a 20 day program of self-awareness, that is carried out in this awesome fantasy land and you get to be the main character in it.  It has given me so much guidance for looking within, for seeing where I outwardly place blame for my experiences, what I am truly scared of and finding the root of that fear, learning what stories I tell myself and how those limit me in my life and helping me to look at a situation both objectively (I dropped my cup of coffee) and subjectively (I dropped my cup of coffee again, I’m such an idiot, no wonder I can never do anything, and what that really means is that I’m scared no one loves me and I’m worthless).  I have so benefited from the objective/subjective exercise!  Yesterday I totally panicked because a man was talking to my daughter at the grocery store when I couldn’t be around her.  I was feeling like she was threatened and that I couldn’t do anything because I was trying to pay and pack the groceries and I was totally panicking, it was amazing.  I was inside, watching myself, saying to myself, “wow you are really freaking out,” but I didn’t feel like I could stop it.  I talked to her about it afterwards and I asked her if she was comfortable and she said yes. I told her that she can walk away from anyone if she is uncomfortable and she agreed. I asked her why she had looked uncomfortable and then it dawned on me and I said, “were you uncomfortable because you could feel how much I was trying to protect you,” and she said yes.  I was floored.  Here was another situation where I was stuck in protection mode. I was grateful to have seen it, then I did the 2baware exercise and I looked at it objectively and I laughed, “A man talked to my daughter at the grocery store.”  And then I wrote what I was really feeling and I could see how it was a program, a story, and how it started running the moment that incident happened.   I was so grateful to be able to see it, uncomfortable to see what has been running my show for ages, but excited at the same time.  There is sometimes that moment of discomfort as I look deep inside and get honest with myself, sometimes I want to run and hide more, but thankfully my desire to be the true me, to live my true life, prevails and I go in deep and take a look.  I’d rather do that than be running these useless subconcious programs.

I’m gave the  super abridged version of 2baware, but what it comes down to is that it is a brilliant program that has already benefited me tremendously and I’m just on day 8.  I am super grateful to have found this workshop when I so really needed it.  It was quite divine timing actually and I know it is a true gift.  I look forward to more transformations and shifts as I continue for the 20 days.  Thank you Ido.  If you are looking for a guided and cool way to become more aware, I highly recommend it.

I’ve also started doing Kundalini yoga.  I went to the Radiant Child Yoga (www.childrensyoga.com) teacher training in July for my kids class Playing From The Heart: Kids Connect (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com) and I learned Radiant Child Yoga with the founder and creator, Shakta Kaur Khalsa. She is a beautiful and radiant woman, who taught us with all of her experience and creativity and she taught us Kundalini yoga for ourselves at the same time.

The definition of Kundalini yoga from Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kundalini_yoga):

Kundalini yoga is a physical, mental and spiritual discipline for developing strength, awareness, character, and consciousness. Practitioners call Kundalini yoga the yoga of awareness because it focuses primarily on practices that expand sensory awareness and intuition in order to raise individual consciousness and merge it with the Infinite consciousness of God.

I have felt a huge difference in my body and in my awareness both during and after doing this yoga. I’ve been using Shakta’s book: http://www.amazon.ca/Whole-Way-Library-Kundalini-Yoga/dp/0789467704/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1344803015&sr=8-2 and I’m really enjoying it.  It is very well laid out and explained, even for a beginner person like me.  I’ve done yoga in the past, but not this kind and not regularly.  I actually feel a difference in my body, I feel the energy moving through, I feel the tingling, I feel more grounded and more aware and I feel stronger and more limber.  I am super excited to have found this and to have committed (and with family discussions!) to find time during the week for me to wake up and start the day by connecting to myself and to the greater of life outside me and within me.

I know this yoga works, but I had confirmation the other day when I did the yoga kriya (yoga set) for “The Essence of Self” and a few minutes later, my 3 year old daughter Zara said, “oh there, now there is more light in our house (she meant light like our inner light and radiance),” and I asked her why and she said, “it’s your light mommy, it’s shining out now and it’s all around the house.”  Do you need any more confirmation than that?

Thank you to the universe, for bringing me what I need and the people I’ve needed to continue on this beautiful path of self-awareness, of finding my inner truth and living my true life, instead of that one of fear and hiding that I was trapped in for 31 years.  Thank you to everyone who has supported me and loved me, even when I was so scared and so trapped and hiding and locked in fear.  With much love and many blessings!!

Using the love to find calm

I am grateful for much in my life!  So much has happened in the past year and it’s difficult to comprehend sometimes just how different I am.  I am different, but I guess I’m just getting back to who I really am, instead of living from all the fear, guilt, helplessness and everything else that I grew to know as the true me.

It really is super exciting for me to learn about the real me, my true self and to learn about how to live from my heart, from my truth, so that I don’t get caught and lost like I had in the past.  One of my favorite things to do is to breathe into my heart and bring in all the light and love from the sun, from the universe, from my higher self and breathe it down into my body and feel it.  I love feeling my body start to tingle, to recognize that I am connecting to it, that I am in a sense coming home to live here, in my body, instead of being scattered all around.  I really love feeling the calm and the beauty inside when this happens, I am starting to use that feeling as a guide, that when I’m not feeling it, I’d better stop and breathe and come back to me.  I don’t remember every time, but it is getting easier and it makes such a difference!

I had a beautiful opportunity the other day to teach this to a little girl who was distracted, uncomfortable and in pain.  She had just participated in the kids class that I teach called Playing From the Heart: Kids Connect (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com) and we had shared a picnic together and then we were all playing at the park.  She was upset about her hands and her mom was trying to get her to rinse them off in the splash pad because they were full of sand.  She seemed quite agitated and she couldn’t quite hear her mom, she was too upset about it all.  The girl was close to me so I asked her if she had a “bobo” on her hand because that would be quite uncomfortable with sand in it.  She stopped and looked at me and was calm for a moment, then they went back to trying to rinse it off.  She ran away.  When she came back, she was standing right in front of me.  I asked her if she could pretend like she was holding a fruit in her hand like we did in the class (for more information about the fruit meditation we did, please check out my other website at the following link!: http://playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com/2012/07/22/using-the-fruit-meditation-at-home/).

from: http://www.thelivingvision.com/blog/?m=200808

She cupped her hands around the imaginary fruit.  I let her know that all the love she sent to the fruit, she could now send to her hands to bring the love and calm to her hands so she could feel more comfortable.  She seemed ready to do it, so I asked her if I could help her too and she agreed.  So she held her hands together and I put mine around hers without touching them.  I closed my eyes and sent all my love to my hands and then out to her hands. I could totally feel it going out and over to her hands, it was super awesome, super loving, super beautiful.  I opened my eyes and asked her if she could feel that and she had an interesting look on her face, so I kept doing it and then I knew it was time to stop, so I did.  Her mom was right there and I explained to her that we were doing the fruit meditation and sending the love to our hands to ease her daughter’s discomfort.  I looked at her daughter and asked her again if she felt better, if she had felt the love and she loudly breathed out and she had these huge shivers, and she did that a couple of times.  It was super cool, she looked so calm, so incredulous and so happy all at once.  It was such a gift for me to be able to offer that to her because in the past, I have been so closed off and so scared of uncomfortable situations.   She stood around me for a minute and then it was time for her to go and she left.  I was sitting there smiling so much, so excited to be in a place where I can pass on these tools that I have had to learn for myself to be comfortable again.

Thank you to that little girl for that beautiful opportunity!

How my heart won over my mind

I was reflecting on my journey a few days ago…  By December 2010 I was devastated. I was a mother and wife trying to do the best I could, but all the sadness that was inside me was holding me back, was screaming at me, and was making me physically really sick. It was such a powerful force, but I had to finally face it and be free.  I read a quote today, that pretty much summed it up for me:

“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” Carl Jung

That quote is what happened to me.  I was doing the best I could in my life, but it was from a place of unconsciousness, and the darkness and the lack of consciousness was running the show, and I had no idea.  I was trying to be me, loving and caring, and be all that I felt like I never had while growing up, but it was all reactive. It was all from a place of “I need to do things differently so Zara doesn’t feel the same pain I have felt while growing up.”  That’s a dangerous place to live from, trying to pretend like the darkness isn’t real, like I can just avoid it, keep it down.  A reactive way of living kept me safe on the surface, so I was hiding from what truly happened in my past so that it didn’t happen again, instead of acknowledging it, releasing it and moving on to live from a balanced place.

This is us on Christmas Day 2010, when I had lost 45 pounds, we could only eat lamb meat, squash and pears and even then, I had trouble digesting it. Zara was so limited, she had to be so close to me, and I had to be close to her. I look back on that time with sadness, but I do see how it was so necessary for me, for me to live in the darkness, only to find the light. It was likely the hardest time the 3 of us will likely ever face as a family.

I had to get physically ill. I had to watch my daughter (who was only 1 and a half when the sickness started) come along with me, dragged under by the power of the darkness that I had suppressed, but that was coming up to be acknowledged and released, so that:

  • I could re-awaken,
  • I could live consciously, within my own power and light,
  • our family could be free,
  • each one of us could be emotionally free from each other and we as a family could “walk” side by side, instead of being all tangled up and dragging each other behind.

The biggest step for me was going to see a naturopath (www.dragonflynaturopathy.com) when I was at my worst physically (and our daughter too) and she said, “I’ll help you get physically healthy, but you need to get emotionally healthy, because it is the root of all of this.”  Wow, I was astounded.  I had told her about some of my life experiences and she helped me to see that any time I had a traumatic experience my body reacted with a disease or illness shortly afterward.  For example, I had known deep down that I didn’t get my period for a whole year because I was playing competitive basketball in college when I really didn’t want to.  Or when I was 15, I became lactose intolerant a few months after breaking my tail bone; I was in a lot of pain, I didn’t feel like my parents acknowledged the terrible pain I was in but instead sent me to a physiotherapist who massaged my tail bone from the inside, I was feeling horrible and molested, and for some reason, I never told my parents how horrible it was for me to go there or what they were doing to me.

With the amazing guidance of our naturopath, I realized what must be inside of me and how it needed to get out so I could be free.  She encouraged me to read the book The Journey by Brandon Bays (http://www.thejourney.com/) and it changed my life.  I read it and I learned about how you can heal your body by getting to the emotional core of what is in the body, that is causing the illness/disease/symptom and then release it by allowing yourself to feel the emotions that were suppressed way back then.  It was fascinating and my heart sang.  Every cell in my body knew it was truth. I found a Journey practitioner here in Ottawa (Jean Brazeau) and now I am different, now I am me, I am finally Bradlee, and I feel so much lighter, so much more capable and free.  Wow.  If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ve likely started to get a sense of the wonder I feel, realizing that all that sh*t was never me. This is me! And I really like me! I didn’t like living in the sadness, but I do like this and I welcome the next emotion and memory that wants to come up now because I’m like, “yes, let’s get it out so there is more room for me in here!!”

Back to the subject of this blog post though, how my heart won over my mind… I vividly remember my food healing with Jean Brazeau (please see My Healings, My food healing), where she helped me get to the core of the darkness that had me and my family in its grip.   This post is not about how that healing allowed me to reclaim my body and my power over food, but that there was much more to the work to follow than I ever could have anticipated, to get to the freedom that truly each one of us is capable of, the freedom that exists as we connect to our hearts and calm our mind to be our friend instead of our controller.

After that session, I remember crying deeply at home while our daughter was napping, as a release, as a letting go of how responsible and guilty I felt that Zara had to be dragged along with me through the despair of all the food sensitivities, of my weight loss, of the helplessness, of the lack of sleep, of the pain of trying to be me, but being strangled from the inside.  I let it all out and it felt so much better.  Then I was left knowing that I could for the first time in my life, eat whatever I wanted.  That I could eat dairy again, that it would be okay.  It was a new concept to me, and I embraced it. I knew it in my bones, that I was healed, that Zara was healed, that we had lived through a miracle.  So I set out with Zara to eat healthily but to enjoy food!  What I didn’t expect was the sabotage from my mind, from the ego, that wasn’t going to let go without a huge fight.  I had learned about the ego in psychology class in university, but I was to actually experience it and to move beyond it in real life, instead of from a text book!  It was my real education and thank goodness there were resources and references!!

Since Zara could crawl, she would take A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle off the book shelf and give it to me.  I had bought it a few years ago, but I hadn’t been ready to read it.  A few days after my food healing in June 2011, she walked over, picked it up and gave it to me.   She was not quite 2 and a half.  I finally said, “oh, she’s been wanting me to read it all along,” so I started my real education about the ego.

This was on my 31st birthday, 3 weeks into physically healing on the GAPS diet, I was just reading the Journey and seeing the amazingness of it. We were eating squash and nut cookies because we weren’t allowed to eat any grains on the diet…

I just want to add an aside before I continue. I’m learning that our daughter is very gifted and that there are many children like her.  I have met many crystal children now like Zara and they constantly astound and amaze me.  These children were born to change the world, to show us the truth, to shine, to highlight the way of love and to not be controlled (unlike so many of us, including me, I was so controlled by everything).  Zara is a crystal child and she has always had a strong knowledge and sense of energy; she always chooses the deepest, most profound books from our book shelf; she has told me before, “Mommy, you are stuck in your head, you need to be right here (and she’s pointed to my chest),” and she has, on many occasions, read my mind and read the energy that is in my body that is coming up to be released.  I can give you tons of examples, but it will be up to you whether you choose to believe it or not.  Maybe you’ll just need to meet a child like this to fully understand…and there are more of Zara’s examples in the rest of this post too:)

Back to A New Earth.  I started to read it and it opened up my eyes to how powerful the ego is. How it does not like change, how it can create illnesses to give itself a new identity, and how it is so used to having full power over us.  The ego is the source of all unconsciousness and it will not give up easily as we open to conscious living.  For example, I knew I could eat whatever I wanted after that food healing, but 4 days afterwards, Zara looked at me and she said, “Mommy, the food is bouncing around in your belly, you need to let it pass through.”  I remember being in shock, first of all, how did she know that and second of all, why was it stuck, I thought I was letting it pass through, that I had healed myself.  So I asked her why it was bouncing and what I could do about it (Jean has coached us to ask Zara questions, despite her young age, because she is quite wise, like all kids, and she will often be able to guide us).  Zara recommended that I take deep breaths and bend over each time and touch my toes.  So I tried it, and I did it a few times and she said, “okay Mommy, it’s fine now.”  It was a very confusing time for me. I was letting go of so much, and was learning how to be a “normal” person and to eat whatever I wanted, while throughout my whole life I had had this litany of voices in my head (my parents, society, my own, etc) saying, “you’re fat, don’t eat that, don’t eat carbs, you’ll get fat, don’t eat that, you need to exercise, you can’t be hungry, drink water instead, if you eat that, you’ll get bloated, oh, you can’t possibly eat those two foods together,” and on and on.  I didn’t realize what a huge battle I was undergoing with the ego at the time!!  I had to overcome all the programming and beliefs about food as well, not just the memories and emotions that had caused all the food sensitivities that I had released with Jean at my healing session.

So over the next few days, Zara kept coaching me about the food bouncing and then I got super insecure, wondering if it was a sham, and if I couldn’t do it. I was just plain stuck and worried.  I had already planned to visit my parents, so I went.  When I got there, we made some cookies, so I ate them and I got bloated and really emotional and I was a mess.  I was there for 2 days and all of a sudden I was crying, I couldn’t eat anything and I was so upset.  I felt lost and confused.  My mom was telling me that because I’m blood type O, I have to avoid all these certain foods and that just because all the food issues had been “in my head”, it didn’t mean I could eat whatever I wanted, that my body had limitations.  I remember thinking that she was trying to reassure me, but I was so angry because I knew that I should be able to eat whatever I wanted after that food healing, that my body could take in what it needed and let the rest pass through.  We left after a few days and I was miserable. We were driving back to Ottawa, which is a 2 hour drive, and then half way home, the haze and the misery lifted.  It was gone and I was me again.  I started screaming with joy!  I realized that I had gone back into the unconsciousness that had created most of the food issues in the first place. My body had felt it and responded to it accordingly (and was shutting down and not digesting the food) but that once I was far enough away from my parents, my body remembered the truth and I felt lighter.  It was super powerful for me, super profound.  While I was there, I gave up my power to my parents, to the beliefs and fears they still had about food (that they likely absorbed during their own childhoods and throughout their lives), even though I knew I was in neutral ground again within my heart.  It was almost like it needed to happen, to show me how powerful beliefs, fears and energies are and just how vulnerable I was to them.

But I still had to overcome more about the ego too. At the time, I didn’t realize that the battle was continuing….that I had only accomplished step one in the battle between my heart and my mind.

This is a picture from April 2012, now Zara can grab ice cream from the freezer if she wants some and she can enjoy it, instead of me saying, “oh sorry sweetie, we can’t eat those foods.” What a blessing!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always needed to eat often and quickly, or else I would get grumpy or physically weak.  That continued even after my food healing.  I was somewhat aware of it, but I just thought it was the way I was.  I could see that it was very limiting for me and for our family. Then I started to see it as another form of control or stemming from a lack of control that I always felt in my life.  I had been wanting to go to Toronto with my husband on his business trip, but I remember thinking, how can I possibly travel while on this crazy restrictive diet, it would be impossible, so I decided not to go.  A few days later, I had my food healing, so I was feeling brave, and I went for it.

As we were planning for the trip, I was starting to see how much control food had in my life, how I used it to make me feel better, how my body and mind were always sending me signals that it was time for me to eat again, etc….  Zara and I were going to take the train and meet up with Robbin in Toronto the next day, so it was super exciting for both of us.  I packed lots of healthy food in our backpack for the train ride.  We got on the train and I was immediately hungry, despite having just eaten breakfast.  So I ate some more food, and then I started to feel sick, my throat was sore, I felt weak and I was feeling very tired.  I ordered some tea and tried to rest, all while having fun with Zara on her first train ride.  I ate some more and then some more, all in an attempt to make me feel better.  I started feeling more tired but I was saying to myself, “I won’t get sick, I won’t get sick,” but I remember not really believing it.  We arrived in Toronto and had a marvellous afternoon with our friends and then I was trying to get Zara ready for sleep in the evening.  I was so tired myself and she looked at me and said, “Mommy, the bacteria are bouncing all around your body.”  I knew she was right, I felt like I was fighting something, so I cried and cried.  I was so scared of being sick, so I cried out all the fear.  The last time I had been really sick was the last time we had gone on a family trip when Zara was 6 months old and I had gotten strep throat, and an ear and eye infection, so I was terrified of that happening again.  So I cried and I felt better.  She went to sleep and I helped clean up and I went to bed early, around 8:30pm.  I woke up at 2am and I remember having this huge realization, “OH!  I am giving up my power to the fear of getting sick and to these bacteria that are just waiting to create an illness.”  So I screamed out in my head, “bacteria you are not welcome here, you will not cause an illness, I have the power and you can’t make me sick.”  I felt silly but really great, and then I fell right back asleep and I woke up refreshed and rested, with no signs of any illness.  It was my second step in reclaiming my body as my own, instead of being controlled by fears and my mind.

We were on our trip for 5 days and I could still feel the panic rising occasionally (the ego trying to hold on) and I could still see the control my mind had over me with regards to food.  I would wake up in the middle of the night, freaking out about the whole food thing, so I would do some deep breathing and some yoga poses my cousin Patrycja has on her blog (http://www.inspiredmomentsblog.blogspot.ca/) and that really helped me come back to a place of love, instead of one of fear and lack of control.  But the ego was still winning, I was hungry all the time, and I had to pack lots of food with me whenever we left the hotel to feel safe and I always had to have a plan for when we would eat next.  I was always like that, but unconscious about it. However, I was now aware of this tendency, but I wasn’t sure of what to do about it.  We arrived home from our trip and it was very successful but I knew I had more to work on with this ego battle.

In the month of July, I was still overcoming so much, although I was truly unaware of the magnitude of it at the time.  For a few weeks, Zara would say to me, “Mommy, don’t eat all the food,” or “Mommy, don’t eat all my food.”  I was so confused and so upset by her comments. I didn’t understand where they were coming from or why she was saying them. I never ate food from her plate without asking her and those statements made me feel powerless, confused and upset (I’m learning now how not to give up my power to what other people say, but rather to listen and not blame them for the feelings that I’m experiencing as a result of what they said).  I was feeling a little desperate and I had just learned about the Ho’oponopono prayer so I looked it up and decided to try it with Zara, just in case it would help (http://www.thereisaway.org/Ho’oponopono_cleaning_meditation.htm).  It’s a prayer where you say to the person you want to direct the prayer to: Dear Zara, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and you repeat it over and over again. I read about it and it felt right.  I just wanted the food stuff to be over!!  I was holding her one morning when she had just woken up and was breastfeeding and she was falling back asleep so I decided to try it.  I was saying it over and over again in my heart and I started crying and she was nodding and nodding, even though her eyes were closed.  She could hear me and feel my apology for whatever was going on within me that was making her feel like I was going to eat all the food in the house.  It was only after talking with Jean a few days later that I understood what was fully going on: my mind was always telling me to eat, ALWAYS.  I remember walking down the street with Zara and she told me not to eat all the food (she was not even 2 and a half at the time) and it was her way of saying, “Mommy, your mind is always thinking about food, stop it.”  After that chat with Jean and hearing Zara say that so many times, it brought that inner dialogue about food into my awareness, which was huge. Check mate for me, take that ego.  Now I just needed to learn some tools to overcome it further.

I read more of A New Earth, and I learned that the ego can cause changes in the body, to soothe itself, to feed itself and to create more needs to be fulfilled.  I remember waking up and being seized with a desperate desire to eat.  I learned (thanks to the book, my awareness and my husband) to recognize the difference between being physically hungry and being controlled by the ego.  I would have to sit through the desperate hunger, acknowledge it and let it pass.  It was ridiculously challenging, but it got easier each time.  It was probably like quitting smoking or something.  I just knew that I wasn’t going to feed it any more, I was going to reclaim my life and take back my power from the ego.  There were times when I ate in the desperation and I laughed at it, and tried again.

There was one day, when I practically ate the contents of the kitchen. I was just eating and eating, feeling this huge need inside me to eat.  Then, when I brought some awareness to the intensity of the desire, I realized it was impossible that the hunger could be real, that intense.  It had to be the ego.  I remembered how there were parts in The Power of Now, also by Eckhart Tolle, that were quite helpful for me too.  I stopped what I was doing, I took out the book, I sat on the kitchen floor and I read.  I chose that day to read the part about women and the collective consciousness we all have and how it can take over during menstruation and manifest in different ways for all women (for me it was usually withdrawing and eating).  The collective female consciousness is very acute during menstruation and it brings up all the pain and torture we have undergone as a sex,but Tolle coaches that we can see it for what it is, acknowledge it and not let it take over any more and as such, menstruation could be transformed into a period of grace and communion with the body.  I will always remember the day I read that and how I knew it was the truth I needed to overcome the huge pull of the ego/mind once and for all.  I remember sitting on the kitchen floor and being filled with this awareness, this power, that I could do it, that I could live from my heart and not be tricked by the mind any longer (or at least not to the same extent!!).  It was a beautiful moment.  I was reading it out loud to Zara and I was screaming with happiness!!!

Since that time, I don’t fight with my body as much.  I can wait two hours to eat breakfast. I am not desperate to eat.  I don’t worry about when our next meal time will be.  I still leave the house with snacks, but only if we’re going to be gone for more than an hour.  I am so pleased, I am so proud of myself, I again have the power in my life, my heart won over my mind and it is bliss in comparison to how I used to live.  It has nearly been a year since my food healing and I can still eat whatever I want and so can Zara.  I have now learned that when I am feeling bloated or like I have indigestion, that it has nothing to do with what I ate, but rather the situation I am in and the energy that I have taken in or the thoughts that have taken over.  With practice, I have learned to tune into my belly, release the density within there (since it’s a vulnerable place for me) and come back to my heart, to a balanced place.  I don’t get it every time, but it has gotten remarkably better for me!

So I leave you with some thoughts…Be aware of what gets you.  Be aware of what gets you down, what makes you feel controlled, what makes you feel helpless.  See it.  Feel it. Know it isn’t you.  It can be conquered.  It takes awareness and a willingness.  There are resources, like books (Eckhart Tolle, Bruce Lipton, Geneen Roth,Richard Carlson, James Redfield, Don Miguel Ruiz, Paulo Coehlo, William Linville and so many more I don’t know!), healers, blogs, yoga, whatever you choose, you can overcome and pull out of the ego/mind game and live from your heart!  Your heart can win over your mind, love can conquer all and conscious living is truly a blessing and a gift.  Namaste.

The sun set on the huge pull of the ego and I am feeling at peace, feeling my love, my light and my true power, like we all can do. The sun set on the ego and the dawn and the true power of it, has been in my heart since, may it continue to shine and guide me on this incredible re-awakening.

Where do you live from?

Have you ever stopped to wonder where you live from?

Do you live from a place of:

  • leave me the f&*k alone
  • f&*k you
  • you can’t control me
  • who do you think you are
  • please love me, please see me
  • why even bother
  • I’m not worthy
  • I’m useless
  • I can’t do this any more?

I used to and I know I still kind of do, not consciously, but there is definitely an energy within me that is about all of these things.

Do you ever wonder why the same sh&t keeps happening over and over?  Do you wonder why you are attracting it?  There is so much about energy that I am just learning.  Because I’ve had all of these energies in my body, from upsetting childhood experiences, for example, those energies have been unconsciously influencing my life.  I am learning that all of those thoughts, emotions and energies are not me, I am so much more, I am full of love in my heart, in my core.  We all are.

What we all are in our hearts, in our core (from wallpaperdisk.com

I’ve had the brilliant opportunities to see how limiting those energies have been for me, for my daughter (because she feels them and responds to them), for my relationship with my husband, in my past jobs, etc. because of the healing work I’ve done with Jean Brazeau.  I’ve learned how and where those energies came from (from my parents, from the world, from my family, from my hurt 3 year old self, from past lives) and I’ve worked with Jean to get to the core of them, to release them, so that I can be me, Bradlee, pure and simple.  The freedom I now have in my heart because of these releases is indescribable, it is pure bliss, it is brilliant, it is like the wind is always blowing and I’m a huge tall ship and I never have to worry about adjusting my sails, it’s like the glass is always full, it’s like I could dance in bare feet on hot sand and still look graceful, it’s like I’m a pastry chef even though I don’t have all the tools, it’s like my body is finally just my body, it is beautiful and it just is the way it is, it’s like I’m finally me, all of me, not all of that list expressing itself through me, trying to fool me into thinking it was the real me.

So the next time:

  • you want to hide from the world, from your family, from yourself
  • someone asks you if you need help and you say no, it’s okay and try to manage by yourself and you struggle
  • you wonder why life is so hard
  • you push someone away or you avoid their eyes
  • feel so alone even though there are people around
  • say hurtful things because you are really hurting inside

take a breath and know that none of it is you. You are gold, you are beautiful.  Breathe and let it pass through and know that if you want, you can get to the core and release those feelings, because that’s all they are, it’s not you.  There are so many ways to get to the core, to find the peace, to get the release, to get to know you again, all of you, all the parts of you that you were taught weren’t good enough for the world, and you will actually know that you are perfect the way you are, that you never did anything wrong.  I am choosing me, not the sh*t, not the energy, not the withdrawing from the world, I choose me, for me, for my family, for the world, so we can all see we are beautiful and that freedom from all we thought was us, is possible.  I am working with Jean, you may choose another format, whatever works for you.  My husband Robbin works with Jean and has now become a Reconnective healer, which is a different way of accessing the truth.  Find what works for you, get to know you.  You are ridiculously worth it.  And then you can live from the love.  I’m there and I’m going all the way to the pure love, may you go there too.

 

Moving beyond blame, a ramble

For years and years, I blamed my parents for everything in my life.  In fact, I blamed others too, everyone was responsible but me.  Haha, if you were to meet me, you’d say, you?  Blaming?  You, unhappy?  But inside was a whole other story.

I blamed others if I was sad, if I felt lonely, if I felt fat, I just blamed them.

I’m realizing now that blaming them removes me of responsibility for my life.  Who’s the one living the life I’ve asked myself!!  It’s me, not them.

I’ve had to take back my power from my parents, from everyone, from the world, from everything.  Take back the power I gave up by making everyone/thing responsible for me, instead of realizing that I had the power, that I was the only one who could live my own life.  It seems so simple, but it’s been a huge struggle, one that I am grateful I have had, so that I can start to see what has been running me.  Just by having that awareness, I have slowly started taking back my power.

I no longer need to feel shitty when the grocery store clerk is in a bad mood. That’s his/her story, it’s not mine, I’m not responsible for them and nor are they for me.  I don’t need to blame them or judge them for letting their emotions run them and then internalize it and then blame them for it.  I can be free, see it for what it is, and move on.

I am taking back my power and staying true to me, living my life, making decisions, listening to my inner voice, trusting my heart and going with it.  Learning to let go, to dance, to laugh, to be joyful and to eat with pleasure and to get on the floor and play and be silly.  What a difference, and thank goodness.  I’m learning that my inner voice is always right, it’s always trustworthy and now that I’m moving beyond blaming everyone around me (and myself too), expecting them to be responsible for me, I can hear the voice more. Again, thank goodness.  Let the marching band start, I’ll be the drummer.  Oompah, oompah!!  Wohoo!!

hahahaha, a picture of me extremely smiling!!