I have been striving to live a perfect life for a very long time. While I am only 36 years old, I feel much older at times because of the weight that this need for perfection has been on my shoulders and heart.
Over the last few weeks I have felt angry. I have felt angry at myself for pushing down my power and my strength, all in the name of living this falsely perfect life that had no need or want for power or strength. I defined “falsely perfect” as the need to always be nice, to be able to say that “yes, things are great,” whenever asked, to not ever get mad or be “mean, and to have things so perfectly organized and arranged so that I could feel good. What I have started to see is how exhausting this way of living has been for me, as well as limiting and frustrating!
I was lying in bed this morning and I felt myself lifting up inside, like I was being lifted to a higher level of awareness and freedom and potential. A few hours later, I was seething mad, like I wanted to yell and scream and break things, so when I lay down to rest and breathe, I said, “I surrender this false and limiting way of living. I surrender the belief that only certain ways of existing are perfect. I surrender the inner critic and judge.” I was also feeling what it felt like as I was saying those things, so I was using my feelings as guide about what to do. It was amazing because it was like all the anger I have felt about forcing myself to live in this falsely perfect was guiding me to free myself. It was like that part of me rose up and helped me to say, “ENOUGH,” and that gave me the knowledge and strength to free myself from this pretend prison and to welcome back all parts of me.
I saw myself smashing down those prison walls and I felt rising, falling and melting within me, almost like the parts of me that I was surrendering (and the prison walls) were being absorbed, pulled into my heart, bounced around, healed and released to be free.
Ahhhh, deep breath : )
Here I am, an hour after crashing down my prison walls and I felt the need to write about it. I feel like I have all of this energy within me and it still wants to crash through life and push things out of the way, because it’s been buried down deep within me for so long. I am so interested and keen to get to know these parts of myself, and get to know their passions and interests and desires! I feel like I unknowingly buried my strength and power in an attempt to live a “good girl” kind of life, and now all I care about is living authentically and crashing down all the walls of falsehood that exist within me and around me. I know I won’t physically crash things down, but I think that me and my newfound power and strength will become good friends and that I will have much renewed energy in the coming days, weeks and months as this change settles within me. I am very excited to see what happens in my life as I meet each new day and each breath with a more integrated and united me.
May we all be blessed with the clarity to see where we have been unknowingly limiting ourselves and with the courage to break down those walls!
What is loneliness but a word? A word we give so much of ourselves to….
What if we are really only lonely for ourselves?
What is important to you? What makes you feel happy, uncomfortable, angry and sad?
By asking ourselves these questions and any number of deep questions, we get to know ourselves and we stop looking for answers in society, in a role we have or play, in a job, an income, from our conditioning, from others, from our so-called social status or even our Facebook status.
Is it possible to get our own attention? Is it possible that everything other than our deepest selves are distracting us, almost like a gift, so that we can learn to go to our own “store” within, to explore, look for “deals” and find out our real status?
That is the gift in all of the busyness of our North American society and what it values; the distractions can be so numerous that we can have no choice but to find shelter within, only to discover a whole world of magnificence that has been quietly waiting for us. It’s called You, it’s called Me, it’s called Us.
If we are with ourselves and we spend time tending the gardens of our own hearts, bodies, minds and spirits then what is loneliness but a word…because ultimately wherever we each go, we are there. Maybe, individually and collectively, we can learn for each of us to be all we each need…to be enough…to be the answer and companion we have been seeking all along.
May all loneliness be lifted up to Heaven to be healed, resolved and transformed, lovingly and gently, for the well-being of all hearts.
I have been so astounded lately at who I really am! I’ve also been astounded at who I thought I was before and how I tried sooooo hard to put myself into all these different moulds that I thought society, family, friends, teachers and anyone really, wanted me to be.
I had a profound realization this week that I don’t have to be anything or anyone but me. I don’t need to have a mould that is pre-formed, what if I was just me, and that I was fluid, graceful, formless, without boundaries? What would happen if I didn’t need to identify with everything society has dictated that we should care about or be? What if I were to just stop pretending and allow the grace of my light to shine bright and guide me as my true self, without needing to constrict and contort myself any longer?
What if I discovered that I could be a vegan, vegetarian, carnivore, omnivore, whatever-vore all at the same time? What if I were just to tune into my body on any given day and ask my body what it needs and eat accordingly? These past two weeks, I have been eating so many vegetables and that was when it hit me, that I could follow the rhythms of my body and be a vegan for a week and then a vegetarian for two, and then eat meat for a week and allow the body to guide me. What if I didn’t have to limit myself to a category of eating styles? I was so excited about that realization!! For years and years, I felt tormented about food choices! Could I allow myself to be a chocolate bar lover without shame? Would it be okay if I didn’t only eat organic food? What if I ate something processed once and awhile? Would that make me a bad person? Now I’m seeing that I am free to make my own choices without having to limit myself to a category. I’ve used food as the example, but it stretches far beyond food.
What if I could clean the house because I enjoy it, not just because I am the woman of the house? It’s the same for cooking! What if I could approach all aspects of my life with the same detachment from needing to categorize my behaviors and the roles I play?
Who I am really underneath all the pretense? Who are we all?
As the shift happens on our planet, the shift to peace, higher levels of consciousness, and opening to our true power, I think we’ll all start dropping the pretenses and we’ll realize that really, we are all the same, we are all wanting to be free, to have the space to create, to experiment, to follow our hearts, to not conform to programs and hard rules, but to be free to fly, to soar, to be. I am ready to be me, not the me I always thought I had to be me, but the true me, beyond it all!
I am fresh from a wonderful healing session where I got down deep into the rejection fears I have had in this life, which have often left me in a serious protection/hiding mode. I admitted that it is so hard even now to call someone to find out if they want to get together and it was so funny to hear those words coming out of my mouth, words that do not even make any sense any longer with where I have been going, to the light, to the love. I have found that the more I go inside, to the deeper places that have haunted me so terribly, the more I realize that those fears, emotions and memories were never who I was in the first place. I’m finding it less scary and intimidating to face what I have previously repressed and shut down, because I know now that they are not real, that they are just there to show me how I covered my true self up, and that I’m still there under them, waiting to come out to shine again.
The healer and guide that I see was encouraging me to put myself in an imaginary coliseum of sorts, where everyone who has ever rejected me can come rushing out at me, ready to hurt me again (the idea behind this is that you totally surrender to the emotion and let it have you so you can be free from it, I’ve done this in other sessions with remarkable success!!). She was asking me to call out their names as they were coming towards me and it was amazing because she was calling out some names too of people I hadn’t even really considered as rejecting me, but from this fresh perspective, I could see how terrified I had been of what they may have said to me. It was a wonderful experience, feeling them all come, and knowing deep down now that no matter what happens to me, what any one says to me to try to hurt me, it will truly not affect me. I felt them rushing at me, but it was like they were melting by the time they got close to me, I was just a bright light that nothing could extinguish. I said that out loud and she helped me to see that all the work we had done together in that session leading up to that had already dissolved the power that I had given other people, the power to hurt me, so I was free and she had wanted me to feel that with that exercise. It was truly awe inspiring to be free of that, after so many memories of being terrified of being pushed away, of not being good enough, like there was something so wrong with me that people wouldn’t want me around.
Jean, the guide, was encouraging me to let in the light, to fill in all the places that the rejection had taken up in my body and in my heart, and to shine as me even brighter. As she was saying that, she stroked my hair at the top of my forehead, so gently, so tenderly, to love me and encourage me. It was the most tender and beautiful touch I had ever experienced at that moment and it made me so incredibly glad for the journey I have gone on in my life, so that I could step in to myself and be my true self and love my daughter the way I want to, without all the internal suffering going on that was limiting how I could be her parent. It made me remember all the times I have touched my own daughter like that, and all the yearnings I felt as a child to be held super close and stroked gently. I know I must have been held that way, but the memories must have been buried under the rejection fears I had. So, I said to Jean, “I’m so happy that Zara (my daughter) will remember and know what it feels like to be touched this way,” and I was crying as I was saying it and Jean said, “Zara will know who her mother really is.” I stopped, smiled and knew it as a truth, that Zara will know me not as being the emotions that used to run my life, but she will know me as me, as the love that I am (that we all are at our core, but we all get buried up and covered up by life, unless we are supported in staying as the love and learning how to be in the world without becoming the world). That is what I appreciate and value the most about Jean’s teachings, it’s not that we are all different, it’s not that we are the emotions and life situations and roles and beliefs and thoughts that we think we are, it’s really that we are all the same, we are all love, and we all have the abilities to shine and to genuinely love ourselves, know ourselves and honor ourselves, and from there, life becomes more fun, easier and so much more free, caring and loving.
Here is what I’ve learned about who I am and what my daughter has seen me move through in the past 20 months of healing sessions:
I am the light. Any thought, emotion, memory I have that is not loving or kind, is not who I am
I can help my body heal and regenerate physically as I let go of the stuff hidden inside (I have gone through some remarkable physical changes, that is for another post:)
There is an incredible and beautiful essence in my body and it lights up my body, it is my soul, my light, my love and that is my truth, it is me and I can feel it coursing through my body and I can use that feeling to connect with myself any time I feel lost in thoughts, in emotions or lost and scattered out in the world.
I can connect to myself and feel my light and amplify it around my body and throughout a room and cause a shift in the energy around me because I’m expanding the love I have inside around me so that I walk in light (and others experience it too) and not have to take on the panic, anger and despair that might be hanging around at the grocery store or otherwise.
I am learning that I love working with families to help them connect to themselves through creative movement, yoga, songs, games, crafts, stories and more, and that my heart sings when I am in a room full of children who learn that they can shift the energy in a room just by putting their hands on their hearts and feeling it beating and learning how to connect to themselves! (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com is where I describe more about the classes, and the training I’ve had and the tools I use, etc!)
I am not alone and I never was (none of us are). I can ask the universe and angels for help and I will receive it (and she does the same, honestly, to be at this place where I can feel scared and ask an angel to help me and actually feel the difference, the peace in my body, it is such a blessing after feeling for 32 years that I was completely alone in this world and so lost).
I’m sure the list can go on, but it would be more like, here are things I used to think about myself and now I don’t and I think that is a whole other post. If there was a self defeating thought or belief out there, I definitely had it, held onto it and made it who I was. I was a victim to everything, it was a role I am very familiar with and may even have won an Oscar for:)
I am so grateful for the opportunity to turn my life around and to live from my heart instead of despair. May we all get the chance to know ourselves as we really as and watch the magic unfold as we get to experience life, not through the eyes of the hurt, but from the love, and from the possibilities, and may we all remember that we are all the same, beautiful souls on different journeys, giving each other the different experiences we couldn’t experience unless we were here on Earth, ready for the ride.
I just heard today that there is a movement in the United States to change the words of the classic poem/story, The Night Before Christmas. There is talk of removing the part:
“the stem of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.”
I can understand that we want the best “model” for our children, but I’m wondering if we should take a closer look at the other parts of our lives and what we “teach” about Santa Claus instead:
Lots of people smoke, including the parents of the children who all love and adore Santa Claus….
When I think of Santa, I never think of him smoking a pipe, I think of him eating cookies, smiling, laughing, putting presents under the tree, flying through the sky, and loving all the children of the world.
If we want to make modifications, let’s first start with the lyrics of Christmas songs, “you’d better not cry, you’d better not shout, you’d better not pout…he knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.” Why are we using a beautiful holiday season and a jolly beautiful spirit like Santa Claus to program and bribe our children so they’ll be “good”? What is wrong with crying and yelling sometimes? We all appreciate a good cry and how great we feel afterwards, and sometimes you need to raise your voice, especially if you are standing up for yourself. Do we really want to teach our children some more polar opposites like good or bad? How about we teach them how to be, just be themselves, the perfect beings that they are. Why not teach them that we will love them no matter how they act, that they are unconditionally and whole-heartedly loved, not just by us, but by Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, by all the beautiful mystical beings who exist as so real and so true in the imaginations of our children. What happens to us that we can no longer believe….
Why not teach children and adults the truth of Santa Claus? Santa Claus is pure love, pure and simple. Santa is imaginary or real or both, it is up to you, but just because he is imaginary doesn’t mean that he is any less real. How many of us remember imaginary friends or guardian angels with us, but then because people told us they can’t possibly be real, we ended up forgetting them. Is it the same for Santa Claus? Let’s continue with the magic of Santa, the love that he offers to all of us. We don’t have to give him up or the love just because we are growing up! We can keep that love in our hearts, Santa has it for each and every one of us, we just have to believe! We can add to the beauty of Santa and his love and add some details to the story, like how the parents help him with presents, how he talks to us in our hearts, how we can call on the love of Santa any time we need it, not just in December, that he is the spirit of unconditional love and giving, which lives in all of us, and how we can be like Santa sometimes and drop off gifts and delight in the pleasure of giving, not just receiving.
Let’s open up our hearts, let’s not talk about Santa from a place of fear, but from a place of openness and trust and love. He never has to leave us, so let’s keep his spirit alive within our hearts and continue to believe. The children always will, it’s only because of the way the Santa story has been spun with all the deception and secrets that lends to such disappointment and feelings of deception. Why let the magic die? Let’s keep it alive, that is what life is for, reclaiming the love and magic in all aspects of our lives.
I so vividly remember my own Santa disappointment. I remember how much I held onto the belief that he was real, but it slowly slipped away because there wasn’t any support for Santa living on past children being 12 years old (I really held on!!). As I’ve been journeying to my heart over this past year and a half, I have come to remember the truth of Santa Claus and so I share it with you in this post. We can change the way Christmas is taught, not with big changes, but subtle ones, subtle changes to encourage children to believe in what they know is true, just like how innately all children know and remember God, even just at the mention of God (our daughter walks around singing a song she made up, “everyone remembers God.”). Santa is real, Santa is love, love never dies nor does Santa. Whether he has a pipe, a big belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly, or a big pack slung over his back, he is real! He is love, and when you connect to yourself as I have been learning to do (and like we all innately know how to do!!), you see it as an absolute truth, Santa is real, he is always in your heart, loving you and encouraging you. His biggest gift to you isn’t the presents (although that is fun and he needs our support for that part), it’s the love!! The LOVE!!
I was talking to a 4 year old girl a month or two ago and she was already getting ready for Santa and that she was excited for him to come. I remember telling her that she doesn’t even need to wait for Christmas, that she can feel Santa and all his love right in her own heart, and that is where he will always be. It was very sweet and spontaneous and her eyes lit up and when I was leaving she gave me a big hug and a kiss, right on the lips!! I hadn’t seen her in nearly a year and it made me realize how very lucky I was and how I was on to something. Santa is real and he is always with us. The children know this!!
I was at a healing session one time and there was quiet healing music playing and then all of a sudden, very loud Christmas music started playing. I remember looking up at Jean (the healer/coach that our family sees) and she said, “wow, how about that,” and some other words about how there were others there with us at the session and I knew it right then and there that it was confirmation for me that Santa was real, Santa and Christmas are real, as real as we want them to be, we just have to believe. I came from such a place of sadness and disbelief of all love and magic, so for that to happen as I was starting to reclaim the love that I am, that we all are, it was magic, there was no doubt. From that moment on, I didn’t worry what I told my little girl about Santa, because he was real. I could tell her my experience with the music turning on, I could tell her that he is love and about giving and sharing love and that we can celebrate that love and giving with the spirit of Santa every Christmas. So no matter how we tell the story (that he tells us what to buy, etc), it is okay, because he is real and he is love. Have I mentioned that enough? Tee hee.
I also read a great book about the magic of Santa and how to keep it alive without ever worrying about disappointing your children: http://www.thesantastory.com/ I recommend for those interested in a deception and worry free Santa experience for themselves and their families!