Knowing you are supported

I lived my life feeling alone.   Feeling invisible, but also feeling so stand out-ish (I was nearly 6 feet by 12 years old!), ready to be seen and made fun of, picked at, judged and criticized.  It was a tough balance, trying to hide, feeling obvious, feeling invisible, all at once.  Not the best combination I say!  I remember the times where I felt like I was alone, no one loved me, I didn’t love me, I didn’t know who I was, but I knew I was lost and alone.

I know we each have our own journey and I am starting to see how mine was perfectly arranged for me to leave so much of these feelings and emotions behind.  We all have a journey here on this planet.  We all came into this world, fully aware of what we wanted to accomplish, what we knew we needed to work on in this life, and how we chose our parents so that they would provide us with ample opportunities to be challenged and to go beyond what we were comfortable with, to break free, to awaken, to be more conscious, to learn to live in this world, without being a victim to it, or being a part of it and being dragged along with it every day.  If you are interested in a book that outlines this in a very easy to understand way, you can pick up the Celestine Prophecy and the second part of it, called The 10th Insight, Holding the Vision, both by James Redfield. I had been learning these things from the healer/coach/guide our family sees here in Ottawa, but when I read these points in The 10th Insight, it sunk in deeper and really resonated with me as total truth:)

We are all supported, even when we feel like we are falling apart.
Image from (

I wonder if I needed to feel so alone in this life, only to marvel at all the times that I was held up and supported by forces that I didn’t understand, but that I knew on some level.  I know that many of us feel like things are crazy, like we are alone, like life is just too hard, if only we could know that someone cared, that someone had the time for us, etc., etc..  We are all the same, it’s only our stories that are different.

I’d like to share some stories with you about how I have learned that I was always supported in my life, even when things seemed really hard and super lonely.  I’d like to share some of those stories from my earlier unconscious life (31 and younger!) and from my newer more conscious life (31 to now, nearly 33!).

May these stories encourage you to find a quiet moment, to lie down or sit up, to put your hands on your heart and to ask your heart to show you all the times that you were supported, even when you felt desperately alone.  Take your time.  Once you get some messages, let them soak into your awareness, let them fill you with love, with the knowledge that you are never alone and never have to be again.

If your mind gets in the way, it’s okay, kindly ask it to come up to a higher level of consciousness and ask it to work with you instead of against you.  You know you believe in the possibilities, ask your mind to come along with you as you open yourself up to being more supported, to even believing that it is possible that you can ask for help whenever you need it and that your call with be answered, by the universe, by our creator, by God, by angels, by your guides, call them whatever you want, it matters not, it only matters that you believe, that you trust that you are worth it, that you deserve the support, that they were always with you.  Go ahead, and ask them for help.  If you’re not sure yet, read on.  I still can’t believe what I have been doing in my personal life.  I went from not believing in anything, to feeling the love and peace that can only come from the universe, from source, from angels, from God.  I am so grateful for those feelings, those moments of remembering that no matter what, I am supported.  And now, some stories:

  • I was in university working on my honors Biology final project.  I had been in the computer lab for hours, I was exhausted and wanted to go home, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to complete on online application to work as a summer student for the Canadian federal government, so I stayed and completed it.  After I graduated, I was back at home, feeling depressed that I hadn’t found a job despite my degree.  I remember feeling worthless and useless.  One night, I went out onto my parents’ driveway to get some fresh air and I vividly remember staring at the moon and stars and saying out loud, “I leave it up to you, I’m not sure what to do, can you take over,” or something to that effect.  A few days later, I got a call from Health Canada (the Canadian FDA) and they wanted me to move to Ottawa for a job.  Ha!!  I didn’t know it then, but I was so being taken care of.  Something/someone guided me to complete the application when it was the last thing I wanted to do and for some reason, I “let go” on that driveway and turned it over to the universe and it showed me what was possible because I let go of needing to make my life happen!
  • I started working full time at Health Canada at the Special Access Programme, which helps patients with life threatening conditions to get access to unapproved medications when all marketed treatments have been tried and failed.  It was an incredible job that taught me a lot and gave me a huge appreciation for my own physical health (I didn’t know then that there was more than just medicine and that my health could markedly improve with energy work, kind of ironic, eh?).  I remember working on some of the applications and I would hear a voice inside, guiding me, “you’d better call that doctor and ask him for more information.”  I remember thinking, “oh okay, I’d better do that,” and thinking that I had a strong conscience or something.  I think you can call it whatever you want, but what it comes down to is that I was being supported and guided to do the things that would serve those patients in their best interests.
  • When I was really sick and not doing well (please see the About page), our family’s naturopath told me to read the book The Journey by Brandon Bays, which is about going into the body, to the source of illness and finding out what memories and emotions are stored in the cells that could be causing the illness.  I knew it was for me and I was just going to try the process out with a friend, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to look on The Journey website to see if there were any local practitioners.  I checked it out one night and the list was really long but it seemed like there was only one name on it, like the others were blurred and the one name was really big.  I remember thinking, “hmm, that’s really weird,” so I clicked on the profile and the person seemed really great, but I wasn’t ready so I closed it.  The next night, the same thing happened, I had this strong feeling to look again and there was her name in big letters, even though they were the same size as the others.  I made an appointment and here I am a year and a half later, so much more my true self, so much more free and open and happy and I go to see her regularly!   If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ll see how much I’ve changed even in the past few months.
  • This summer, I was awoken in the middle of the night to some loud yelling and fighting.  I literally felt paralyzed and terrified lying in bed.  I was so unsure of what to do and all I could do was to call out for help in my mind and within moments, there was this tremendous peace and love that filled my body.  I remember lying there, so pleased, so overwhelmingly overjoyed and then before I knew it, I was asleep.  It was like a dream, but it was beyond real. I woke up the night morning, super excited at what had happened and so ready to be able to deal with what I had heard during the night, instead of being terrified!  I wasn’t alone!  All I did was ask for help and it came!
  • I had a big learning experience in one of the classes I teach and my mind was in overdrive, it was telling me what a bad job I had done, etc. etc. and I had enough.  I was lying in bed with my daughter to help her get to sleep, but I was so restless and anxious, I may as well not have been there.  I called out for help again because it had worked so well in the summer and within moments, my mind was quiet and I was at a peace.  I remember lying there, relieved and somewhat in disbelief and then Zara was asleep, just like that. I had been assisted and she felt the shift and she could go to sleep.

Those are the key ones that I wanted to share for now. If you have any stories you’d like to share, please do so.  We are all supported, even in our most unconscious or our most desperate moments.  Believe in yourself, believe in what is possible, even if you don’t understand it yet, it’s there for you, loving you, holding you up, ready to give you the gift of love and company.  Give it a try, you are worth it.

Sweet dreams,



Kids and make-up and other “grown up” things

Our daughter is almost 3 and she loves make-up.  I only wear make-up occasionally and if I do, it’s either pink, light blue, dark blue or green eyeliner and I just put a thin line on my eyelid.  Zara loves it!  She loves watching me do it and trying it out.  I fully support it.  I also fully support her trying on pads when I have my period, I fully support her trying on nail polish and I fully support her putting the blade in the food processor and I fully support her learning to use a sharp knife.

Cooking in the kitchen!!












So a few thoughts:

  • kids learn by doing and by imitating
  • kids don’t feel like kids, they feel like people and want to be treated as such, just because they are little doesn’t mean that they can’t do things or shouldn’t try things (with or without our attention and support of course!)
  • if we tell our kids to be careful all the time, they will learn that they are not trustworthy and that they can’t manage things on their own
  • if we can teach our kids about things, like how to put the blade in the food processor, we give them autonomy and responsibility and they will develop their own sense of how exceptionally capable and trustworthy they are
  • baby gates, locks on doors and cupboards are demeaning for children.  why not teach them not to touch the household cleaners, why not teach them how to open a door and then explain that they can really only go out with a parent (age-dependent of course)
  • kids can sense when they are being controlled and if we can let go, our relationship will them will flourish and open

Some of this I’ve learned from being a mom, some of it I’ve learned from some fantastic parenting books such as:

  • The Continuum Concept
  • Adventures in Gentle Discipline
  • Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting
  • Unconditional Parenting
  • The Natural Child and anything on the Natural Child Project website
  • How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk

I think that I will write a post about each of these books and the most amazing important lessons I’ve learned from them as a way to share.  I am so grateful to those authors!

So yes, sometimes Zara wears make-up, sometimes she wears blue, pink and green all at once, and sometimes she puts it vertically across her eyes, but it’s what she wants to do.  There is no right way to wear make up!  I’ve showed her how I do it and now she’s experimenting with it.  At some point, she’ll stop or maybe she won’t and it’s just an expression of her coming through.  I’ve told her make-up, jewellery and clothes are a way to decorate her body, that her body is perfect as it is, but if she wants to decorate it, there are a few ways to do that that can be quite fun.  I wouldn’t be comfortable with her wearing make-up if she felt like she had to in order to be beautiful but because I know it’s from a clear and open and fun place, then I’m cool with it.  Other people notice, some say things, some don’t and I’ve realized that I don’t need to protect her from their responses, whatever they are, because she can totally handle herself.  She’s learning that whatever other people say, it isn’t about her, it’s about them and that if they don’t think she should wear make-up, that it’s their opinion.  I’ll always be there to support her and guide her of course, but I’m also trying to give her credit because she really can handle herself.   For example, one time she was at the hairdresser’s and the lady said “oh, can you count to 10?”  And Zara looked at her and just didn’t say anything.  So then the lady said, “okay, so 1 is first, then what,” and she kept, in my mind, badgering Zara to count, and Zara just looked and looked at her and didn’t say a thing.  I only let it go on a for a few seconds before I said, “Zara, you don’t need to count if you don’t want to,” and then I smiled at the hair dresser.  It was only later that I realized that Zara had already told her in her own way that she didn’t want to count, that she is not a circus performer.  Then I said to myself, okay, so I just need to support Zara, teach her about things from a neutral place and then she’ll take care of the rest.  So ya, if we go to the hairdresser’s again while Zara is wearing make-up, I’ll have to wait and see what happens.

Let’s let our kids try things, let’s let them learn about the world by doing, let’s let them figure it out, they already know we know how to do things, let’s let them go for it and teach us at the same time.

Trusting our kids and ourselves: life lessons since becoming a mama

You become a parent, your life is completely changed forever.  You learn to let go, you learn to trust, you learn to listen to your instincts, you learn to laugh and how to play again.  You learn that your child is completely separate from you, but is attached to you all the same, and that’s okay too.  You learn that your perceptions of a situation are vastly different than your child’s.  You learn that just because you are cold, it doesn’t mean that your child is.  You realize that just because you wouldn’t wear a skirt with a dress, with the dress on backwards, doesn’t mean that your child won’t!  You learn that wearing a tutu with a bathing suit in the middle of the winter is okay because it’s fun and it’s what she wanted to wear today.

You learn that just because you weren’t daring and adventurous as a child, that it doesn’t mean that your child isn’t!  You learn that all the things that you hated while you were growing up don’t apply now and that you don’t need to protect your child from those same things because they aren’t a part of your life anymore.  You learn that healing and letting go of all the pain and sadness inside is the best gift you can give yourself and your child, so you can both be free, so you can be your true selves, live your true lives and not be burdened and boxed in by the old emotions, repressed and unacknowledged.

You learn that Halloween is totally for tricking and treating and for eating all the treats.  You learn that the body can take what it needs and let the rest pass through.  You learn that enjoyment of the food is so much more important than fearing the ingredients in them.  You learn that you have the power, that you always did and that you don’t have to look any further than your own self when you are feeling lost, scattered, scared or overwhelmed.  You learn the same about your body, that it can be trusted, it wants to support you, show you what it can do, that it communicates with you all the time with pain, fatigue and disease as a way to say, hey, this isn’t right.  Let it all go it says, let it all go.  Emotions, fears and limiting beliefs don’t need to run the show any longer.

You learn that making silly faces is awesome and fun.  You learn that your body is beautiful no matter what, it just is, just like you just are.  You aren’t this or that, you just are.  That there isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad, things and you, just are.  You learn to accept things the way they are.  You learn to roll with the punches.  You learn that you are so much more than your feelings.  You learn that you are really great, you are very capable, even brilliant and that all those negative voices in your head aren’t you and that you can find freedom from them.

I’ve healed with Jean Brazeau who does lots of healing stuff like reiki, shamanism, NLP, The Journey, Universalis.  I didn’t know about any of this before and I found Jean because I was desperate.  Now I’m radiant, tee hee, most of the time and those doubting negative voices are leaving and here I am learning all of this with new found freedom and I’m not as hard on myself, I’m not as negative, all of that wasn’t me, it was just repressed emotions and even emotions that my parents felt when I was little, even stuff from past lives.  I’m starting to live my true life and thank goodness.  Thank goodness I am here, I am here for me, I am here to witness my daughter’s beautiful unfolding and I am here, living my life.  Thank goodness.  May the lessons continue and may the trust in myself and my daughter grow.  Peace and goodnight.