I have lived in this crazy pattern of living, then hiding, living, then hiding for as long as I can remember. It has been such a heavy pattern to live from, the guilt from hiding, the wonder if anyone is going to care enough to notice that I’m “hiding”, the feeling of the absence of me and what that must feel like for the people around me. All in all, heaviness and density, just dragging down yuck!
Now the exciting part!!! Wohoo!! As I’ve started reclaiming my life and getting to the core of these life long patterns, and as a result, I have the clarity to see how the pattern started and to choose differently. It also have given me the freedom to choose differently because the weight of the initial reason for the pattern has been released and cleansed. So the other day, I was told by our family’s healer/coach/guide some things about how I can support my daughter in her young life and how I can support myself as well. It was beautiful advice, given from the heart, neutrally and with every intent of support and love, I felt it in my whole being. I was excited because it made so much sense and I knew I could do it. By the time I got home and chatted with the repairmen who were working on our house, my mind totally took over and told me with all these poisonous thoughts:
-you are responsible for your whole family and look how you are ruining them,
-you can’t do this, you need time away, you need to run, get out of here, go away, far
-hide and hide, deeper and deeper, you don’t even want to be here.
I was aware of myself drowning in those thoughts, I knew they didn’t make any sense, but for some reason I felt powerless. I knew that I had likely absorbed some energy from the repairmen (this happens to all of us!), so I cried it out, I broke energy with them and yet I was hidden inside and frustrated and angry. It was amazing to me, it is pretty rare that I get “taken down” so hard any more. But it had to happen so I could stop the pattern myself I think. I had some quiet time to myself in the evening and I knew deep down that I could take care of myself, that I could connect to myself and shine my light through that darkness, but it was hard!! I’m learning that I have all the tools within and the support within and around me, that all I need to do is ask and it will come. I had a feeling though that there was something external that night that was going to help, so I trusted that. I found this video and it was exactly what I needed to help me take back my power from poisonous, suffocating thoughts:
How can I eliminate judgment and an explanation of anger: http://www.williamlinville.com/videojudgmentanger.html
I learned (again!!!) that the mind is always going to try to keep itself in power, in control, just as it has for most of our lives. I’ve been learning to thank my mind, to live from my heart and to use my mind as a tool instead of letting it manipulate me and control me (it used to tell me to eat to stay safe, etc, etc). It was a simple video that gave me back me power and I have a sense that it was a significant step for me in reclaiming myself. Learning to say to the mind, “Oh ya, you think so, eh? You think that I am ruining my family? Prove it and then we’ll see,” and of course, there is rarely any proof, especially not with those thoughts I was experiencing the other night, it is the exact opposite in fact:)
So I invite you to try the same! I don’t think that it is only as simple as this but it is a part of the puzzle of unravelling the layers we’ve buried ourselves under and starting to shine again.
I lived my life feeling alone. Feeling invisible, but also feeling so stand out-ish (I was nearly 6 feet by 12 years old!), ready to be seen and made fun of, picked at, judged and criticized. It was a tough balance, trying to hide, feeling obvious, feeling invisible, all at once. Not the best combination I say! I remember the times where I felt like I was alone, no one loved me, I didn’t love me, I didn’t know who I was, but I knew I was lost and alone.
I know we each have our own journey and I am starting to see how mine was perfectly arranged for me to leave so much of these feelings and emotions behind. We all have a journey here on this planet. We all came into this world, fully aware of what we wanted to accomplish, what we knew we needed to work on in this life, and how we chose our parents so that they would provide us with ample opportunities to be challenged and to go beyond what we were comfortable with, to break free, to awaken, to be more conscious, to learn to live in this world, without being a victim to it, or being a part of it and being dragged along with it every day. If you are interested in a book that outlines this in a very easy to understand way, you can pick up the Celestine Prophecy and the second part of it, called The 10th Insight, Holding the Vision, both by James Redfield. I had been learning these things from the healer/coach/guide our family sees here in Ottawa, but when I read these points in The 10th Insight, it sunk in deeper and really resonated with me as total truth:)
I wonder if I needed to feel so alone in this life, only to marvel at all the times that I was held up and supported by forces that I didn’t understand, but that I knew on some level. I know that many of us feel like things are crazy, like we are alone, like life is just too hard, if only we could know that someone cared, that someone had the time for us, etc., etc.. We are all the same, it’s only our stories that are different.
I’d like to share some stories with you about how I have learned that I was always supported in my life, even when things seemed really hard and super lonely. I’d like to share some of those stories from my earlier unconscious life (31 and younger!) and from my newer more conscious life (31 to now, nearly 33!).
May these stories encourage you to find a quiet moment, to lie down or sit up, to put your hands on your heart and to ask your heart to show you all the times that you were supported, even when you felt desperately alone. Take your time. Once you get some messages, let them soak into your awareness, let them fill you with love, with the knowledge that you are never alone and never have to be again.
If your mind gets in the way, it’s okay, kindly ask it to come up to a higher level of consciousness and ask it to work with you instead of against you. You know you believe in the possibilities, ask your mind to come along with you as you open yourself up to being more supported, to even believing that it is possible that you can ask for help whenever you need it and that your call with be answered, by the universe, by our creator, by God, by angels, by your guides, call them whatever you want, it matters not, it only matters that you believe, that you trust that you are worth it, that you deserve the support, that they were always with you. Go ahead, and ask them for help. If you’re not sure yet, read on. I still can’t believe what I have been doing in my personal life. I went from not believing in anything, to feeling the love and peace that can only come from the universe, from source, from angels, from God. I am so grateful for those feelings, those moments of remembering that no matter what, I am supported. And now, some stories:
I was in university working on my honors Biology final project. I had been in the computer lab for hours, I was exhausted and wanted to go home, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to complete on online application to work as a summer student for the Canadian federal government, so I stayed and completed it. After I graduated, I was back at home, feeling depressed that I hadn’t found a job despite my degree. I remember feeling worthless and useless. One night, I went out onto my parents’ driveway to get some fresh air and I vividly remember staring at the moon and stars and saying out loud, “I leave it up to you, I’m not sure what to do, can you take over,” or something to that effect. A few days later, I got a call from Health Canada (the Canadian FDA) and they wanted me to move to Ottawa for a job. Ha!! I didn’t know it then, but I was so being taken care of. Something/someone guided me to complete the application when it was the last thing I wanted to do and for some reason, I “let go” on that driveway and turned it over to the universe and it showed me what was possible because I let go of needing to make my life happen!
I started working full time at Health Canada at the Special Access Programme, which helps patients with life threatening conditions to get access to unapproved medications when all marketed treatments have been tried and failed. It was an incredible job that taught me a lot and gave me a huge appreciation for my own physical health (I didn’t know then that there was more than just medicine and that my health could markedly improve with energy work, kind of ironic, eh?). I remember working on some of the applications and I would hear a voice inside, guiding me, “you’d better call that doctor and ask him for more information.” I remember thinking, “oh okay, I’d better do that,” and thinking that I had a strong conscience or something. I think you can call it whatever you want, but what it comes down to is that I was being supported and guided to do the things that would serve those patients in their best interests.
When I was really sick and not doing well (please see the About page), our family’s naturopath told me to read the book The Journey by Brandon Bays, which is about going into the body, to the source of illness and finding out what memories and emotions are stored in the cells that could be causing the illness. I knew it was for me and I was just going to try the process out with a friend, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to look on The Journey website to see if there were any local practitioners. I checked it out one night and the list was really long but it seemed like there was only one name on it, like the others were blurred and the one name was really big. I remember thinking, “hmm, that’s really weird,” so I clicked on the profile and the person seemed really great, but I wasn’t ready so I closed it. The next night, the same thing happened, I had this strong feeling to look again and there was her name in big letters, even though they were the same size as the others. I made an appointment and here I am a year and a half later, so much more my true self, so much more free and open and happy and I go to see her regularly! If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ll see how much I’ve changed even in the past few months.
This summer, I was awoken in the middle of the night to some loud yelling and fighting. I literally felt paralyzed and terrified lying in bed. I was so unsure of what to do and all I could do was to call out for help in my mind and within moments, there was this tremendous peace and love that filled my body. I remember lying there, so pleased, so overwhelmingly overjoyed and then before I knew it, I was asleep. It was like a dream, but it was beyond real. I woke up the night morning, super excited at what had happened and so ready to be able to deal with what I had heard during the night, instead of being terrified! I wasn’t alone! All I did was ask for help and it came!
I had a big learning experience in one of the classes I teach and my mind was in overdrive, it was telling me what a bad job I had done, etc. etc. and I had enough. I was lying in bed with my daughter to help her get to sleep, but I was so restless and anxious, I may as well not have been there. I called out for help again because it had worked so well in the summer and within moments, my mind was quiet and I was at a peace. I remember lying there, relieved and somewhat in disbelief and then Zara was asleep, just like that. I had been assisted and she felt the shift and she could go to sleep.
Those are the key ones that I wanted to share for now. If you have any stories you’d like to share, please do so. We are all supported, even in our most unconscious or our most desperate moments. Believe in yourself, believe in what is possible, even if you don’t understand it yet, it’s there for you, loving you, holding you up, ready to give you the gift of love and company. Give it a try, you are worth it.
My daughter and I went to a Buddhist meditation centre in Ottawa two weekends ago for a kids class called Dharma for Kids (http://www.meditateinottawa.org/). Our family is on this path of opening and healing and living our true lives and I thought it might be interesting and possibly useful for us (thanks to my friend Tonya for mentioning it to me).
The class was comfortable and not overpacked with material, it was nice. We learned that there are many different buddhas and that they each have a different purpose. We were taught about Green Tara, and how she is the buddha who is ready to come to protect and comfort those who call for her assistance. Our teacher, Ananda Kelly, was explaining that as long as you believe in her, she will come to you. (This image is from: http://www.fpmt-osel.org/gallery/tara.htm). You can see in the picture that Green Tara’s right foot is uncrossed, it is because she is always ready to come and assist. You can also distinguish Green Tara because there is always an element about her that is green.
I was super intrigued. Ananda taught us a chant we can use to call for Green Tara and she taught us how to chant it. The words are, “Oṃ Tāre Tuttāre Ture Soha.” It is so beautiful and so powerful. Zara and I really enjoyed chanting it during the class and we have done it since that time. I have found versions on the internet from searches but none are the same as the way I now have it in my heart from Ananda’s teachings. If this is of interest to you, you can certainly search around and you will know when you have found the version that is right for you. I feel like I’ve just learned something new and I’m super at the beginning of understanding it. I feel called to learn more about her and possibly others, so I will share as I discover:)
The other day, Zara and I were at the beach and she was quite upset after leaving the water, her skin was irritated from the sand and she really just needed some comfort because she was off in some way. I asked her if we could chant to Green Tara, if that would be comforting, since I know she really enjoys the chant and so do I. So we tried it and she calmed instantly and it felt really good for me as well, very peaceful, very smooth. I helped Zara to get all the sand off and then we went to put her dress on and she said, “Mommy stop, look at that.” I stopped and looked down and there was a green beetle on Zara’s towel. I said, “Wow, is that Green Tara, wow Zara that is awesome!” She picked it up and Zara agreed that it was Green Tara and she held her and looked at her for a minute. I felt blessed, supported and so awestruck all at once. I realized that I was never really alone, if things were hard, I have other resources other than connecting to my heart to feel the love and to feel strong again, there is outside support that is ready for me. I now feel that the combination of the two is even stronger for me, and it’s really exciting. It’s pretty exciting that now I can chant, which calms me and then have the support of a being who I really don’t understand yet, but who is willing to come because I put it out there from my heart and I believed in the possibility of her.
Let’s let the light in. The sun has so much to give us, it charges us up, it fills us up with its light and warmth. I read this fantastic children’s book called The Journey of Tunuri and the Blue Deer http://www.jamesendredy.com/bluedeer.htm and it changed my life. It explains how we all have an Earth family, Father Sun, Mother Earth, Grandfather Fire, Sister Water and Brother Wind. They are all here to support us, to guide us, to comfort us and to nourish us, if we see them, if we let them. Ever since reading this, I have drank water and felt like it is nourishing me, like it is helping my body to purify and to cleanse. When I feel the wind, I smile and feel as though he is my brother. When I remember, I feel the ground under my feet and know that my Earth mother is always with me. The most amazing part is that our daughter innately knows this. When I say, “hey there’s Father Sun to fill us up,” she screams out, “hey Father Sun.” It kind of felt weird to me for a bit, and then there was that part of me that just knew it was the truth, that we are never alone, our planet provides so much for us and even gives us a second family to love and support us.