For the last six months, a deeper me has been emerging and I have been witnessing a form of my own death. I feel like I have been swinging back and forth between this hugely powerful me and this little and small version of myself that is now ready to dissolve and make room for the bigger me.
A lot of my writing lately has been about this swing and this emergence and dissolving and it has been deeply healing for me. I have been putting so much effort into loving the dissolving parts of me and that has been wonderful and amazing, but lately I have been feeling like I needed to take a different course of action, although I wasn’t sure what it was.
This evening, while I was driving to the grocery store, I felt all of the old emotions coming up, like they were dissolving and healing, and then I felt a greater and deeper part of me say, okay, enough, it’s time to focus on the one who is emerging, and not the one who is dissolving. And that voice within me told me to start writing blog posts about learning to live from this new power that is emerging within me, instead of what is leaving and dissolving. It’s almost as if the old that is dissolving is already on it’s way out and it knows it is honoured and loved, or else it wouldn’t be leaving! Neat, eh?
I sometimes feel shy about allowing the emerging one within me to be fully present in my everyday life and now that I’ve made this choice to focus on it, I’m both nervous and excited because I have a feeling that it will take me under its wing and teach me to shine, lead and roar, more than ever before.
I want to give myself permission to:
be a motivator, both for myself and for others
speak the truth that my being wants to speak, without always trying to fit in or please others.
rally people and bring them together in peace and unity and excitement because it is fun to be alive!
dance and sing wherever I go and not be scared of the judgement of others.
be the full me that I came here to be, without being shy or wondering if it’s okay to be my full and true self.
host workshops for learning how to come home to your heart that would include journalling, chanting and dancing.
write more and more and more.
know that I am worth it, that I matter and that I am very, very capable.
love my self so much and to let that radiate out to others.
I know that I am an empathic person who feels very much and that I don’t always need to focus on every little thing that I feel, but that I can focus on this new power emerging within me and let it do the work of living a life! It’s funny, because this writing feels so freeing, yet so new; it’s really reinforcing that it’s time for me to focus on the power because I’m not as comfortable with that yet, because I have spent so much time comforting my scared little self.
May we all blossom and emerge in our own time and in our own unique way and may we all complement each other’s openings. May we all be blessed with the courage to be our amazingly powerful selves!
To the parts of me that are peeling away and who feel unsafe about where the shedding will take them, I love you.
To the parts of me who feel so broken and unravelling and who don’t know where to go or what to do or how to act, I love you.
To the waves of emotions that wash through me, both gently and with full force, I love you.
I am learning to be the observer of all that happens within me and through me and around me, but the ones who are merging, shedding, peeling away and molting are unsure about how to do this.
Is it me I am feeling or just the waves of emotions that all humans feel?
I do think we are connected through our feelings and through our truest and deepest natures. It’s like we’re an hour glass, collectively and individually, and we feel it when the sand moves from one side to the other, kind of like how humanity is moving from living unconsciously to living more consciously, but the hour glass keeps flipping throughout that evolution, so that we can have the ultimate experience of growth, both personally and collectively.
Today, the hour glass has flipped and I am feeling that despair, that pain, fatigue and exhaustion. By writing this though, I feel better. The hour glass will tip again and I can watch the grains of sand pouring through me, no matter what they bring along with them to be witnessed, observed and loved.
Peace to you and to all.
Note from me: I wrote this nearly two months ago and it helped me to be more patient, loving and understanding with myself as I was flipping back and forth between feeling blissful and lost. I can sense that I will expand on this topic in the near future as I have more insights from going through this! May it help you! Namaste!!!
Since I’ve started learning more about energy and actually understanding it, it seems as though there were always so many references to energy in my daily life that I completely missed. I remember reading the Celestine Prophecy about 7 years ago and I was mesmerized by it, but I wasn’t yet at a point where I could live it and understand it. I’m grateful to be at a point where energy makes sense to me now! I will share some more below.
I’ve written in this blog about how the movie The Matrix has many parallels to my life and how the energy work I’ve been doing makes me feel like Neo from the movie! I’ve always felt like a victim to all the circumstances in my life, I would see the hurt coming at me and I would take it all in and I would suffer. I am laughing while writing this, it seems so dramatic, but it’s honestly true. I now see those some bullets and hurts coming towards me, and it really is like The Matrix where Neo dodges the bullets, I see it coming, I bat it out of the way or I shift my body and it goes right past. I’ve cleared out so many emotions, memories and stuck energy that those “bullets” coming at me don’t seem to have the same magnetic charge.
I also sometimes feel like I was given the choice a year and a half ago to take a red or blue pill like in the movie The Matrix. It was like life said to me, “you are suffering, you are unwell, your health and your life are at their lowest points (I was at the bottom of the pit so to speak), and you have a choice. You can continue in unconsciousness and take the red pill, or you can choose to awaken, you can choose a conscious life, and you can take the blue pill and learn the truth of all that is.” I chose that blue pill and I haven’t looked back since. I’ve been learning more about consciousness (awareness), about energy, about God, about life, about my heart, about love and it’s been super eye opening, beautiful and wonderful and challenging. I’ll never go back to the way I was, I simply am no longer that person, I will never be that way again, I am opening my heart, I am letting the love in and I am letting it shine out and I will continue to learn the truth of all that is until I am fully living from as the light and am having an eternal blast!
So now to a little energy lesson. We are all made up of energy, we all feel energy, whether we know it or not. We’ve all felt heavy after interacting with someone who complains or who dumps all their life’s garbage on us. We’ve all adopted other people’s mannerisms and just laughed it off (myself included). We’ve all lived in a movie or in the book we’re reading and we’ve gotten a little off track in our own lives because we’re partially still in the movie or book. I have cried reading Winnie the Pooh to our daughter because Christopher Robbin has grown up and he knows he won’t come back as often to his beloved toys. I jumped right into that story and lived as Christopher Robin and I felt the remorse and the confusion that the author put into that story from his own life, likely from watching his son growing up. It was intense. I ended up thinking it was my own story I was mourning, about how I grew up and watched everyone becoming more distant with each other, becoming more mean, more competitive, but really I was living as Christopher Robin, no doubt to me.
Here is another example. I was recently talking on the phone with someone who was going through a hard time. Within minutes of hanging up, I was lost, confused, anxious. I didn’t quite realize what was going on, I was rude to my husband, I felt like running away, hiding and throwing things all at once. I felt like I was off balance and wrong, but it didn’t quite clue into me what had happened. I excused myself and went and breathed and connected to myself more deeply and I felt better, but it only lasted for a few minutes. I was overtaken with desperate thoughts like, “leave me alone, I can’t do this any more, I’m so responsible for you, I can’t take it, I want to crawl into a hole and hide.” I had just had an energy healing session and had released some similar emotions, so I thought it was just more releasing, so I breathed and tried to let it release. The short version of this is that I struggled for about an hour, wanting to hide from my family, wanting to run away, before I lay down again and said to myself, “what is this, can someone help me out please?” I got a picture in my mind of the person with whom I had chatted and I laughed. “Ohhhhhh” I said to myself! I commanded their energy to leave my body and I broke energy with them.
We are kind of like magnets with our energy, we attract what we carry in our own bodies, so because it was releasing from me (and there is likely more deeper down), I grabbed onto the other person’s energy (or it grabbed me) and it held fast. I broke the connection between the magnets, that strong pull and I relaxed and felt like me again. I learned all of this from the coach our family sees and the tools she has taught us are invaluable and amazing. I was hijacked, gone, lost, and taken over by this energy and then, when I got the clarity about what had happened, I was able to break free and be me again. We’ve all felt hijacked, and the truth is, it happens to us all the time, and then we get headaches, leaky noses, or we vomit or have diarrhea as our bodies try to clear it out. That is what happens when our bodies are left to clear it out, but if we can be conscious of what is going on and assist the body to clear it out by breaking energy, drinking lots of water and being aware of how we are feeling inside, it helps!!
Breaking energy is described in William Linville’s (www.williamlinville.com) book, “Living in a body on a planet,” on page 25,
“Begin by sliding your hands across each other in front of your heart, then pushing your right hand out while bringing your left palm to rest against your heart level. Focus on your heart chakra. You are breaking energy with the whole world as you’ve known it….This is bringing your consciousness right back through your body…Now bring your attention to a part of your body. Whether your attention is on a hand, on the neck, even on a toe, it matters not. Bringing attention to that body part allows you to feel your own presence and welcome it to come forward again.”
I am so happy to have breaking energy as a tool. It has helped me so much! It helped me come back to me today when I was completely gone, hijacked and taken prisoner (it felt like that, it seems extreme, but it was such a relief to be back to me!). I thought of Harry Potter after I recovered and felt like myself again. For those of you familiar with Harry Potter, I felt like Harry does when he is in front of the Dementors and they start trying to suck his soul out of his body. He has to try to conjure up a Patronus to ward off the evil, but he’s being sucked away, bit by bit and it takes every bit of his strength and awareness to break free. Once he is free, he is left tired and feeling drained, which is how I felt today. I laughed to myself this afternoon after I had had a healthy helping of chocolate, because chocolate is the exact remedy from Harry Potter after he has fought off a Dementor attack. In the third book, Harry gets to/has to eat a lot of chocolate to get his strength back as he learns to ward off Dementors. I have no idea if I ate a good amount of chocolate because innately I felt like my body needed it, or if the memory of that part of the book was hiding somewhere inside and was telling me to eat chocolate. Either way, I ate the chocolate, I felt better, I went outside and went to the park and felt the wind, I hugged a tree and just got my roots back into the ground.
That’s my story! I hope you find it interesting! I wonder if you’ll consider the new tool as a way to feel more comfortable in your body, because really that is what it is meant to do. I wonder if chocolate really is a delectable treat that does more for us than we’ll ever know, maybe J.K. Rowling knew as much!
I am so grateful for this journey I am on, the opening, the expanding, the breaking beyond whatever I thought was possible, beyond all the limitations I thought were me. I am so grateful to finally be living from my heart, to be reconnected to me. I have these memories as a kid, of me knowing there was more to me, knowing that I was big and strong, that I could be so much more, but that I felt so diminished, so small, so sad and so stuck. I remember one time standing on the top of a huge snow mountain in grade 4 or 5 and the wind was blowing so strongly and I whipped off my tuque (my winter hat, whatever you call it if you’re not from Canada!), and I felt so strong, I remember saying in my head, I can blow them all away, I can do this, but I had no idea who I was talking to and what it was I could do. It’s seemed kind of silly at the time, and now I kind of see it like I was feeling the strength of the wind, and I was reconnecting to me, to my strength and power, which was always there even despite how sad and lost I felt I was at 8 or 9. The wind sparked something in me, that truth, that love and that power that was in my heart all along, but that was so lost.
Now I can honestly say that I’m starting to feel the real me, I am reconnected to me, the real and true me, the me beyond beliefs, beyond criticism, beyond judgements, beyond roles and rules, just me, and there is nothing “just” about me. And there is nothing “just” about any of us. If I can move through the suppressed stuff, then we all can, to find our greatness, to find our truth. I’ve been working with Jean Brazeau (jeanbrazeau @ sympatico.ca) and with my husband Robbin Zrudlo (www.healandevolve.ca), to push past all that was not me and to rediscover the glory of me. Sometimes I cry because I feel like I’m finally worthy of being alive, of celebrating, of living in happiness, instead of the victim role that I was soooo dead locked in, that so many of us are in. Whether you are the aggressor or the victim, whether you are aloof or an interrogator, it’s just a role, it’s not you and you can push beyond it, there are so many ways of doing it. If I hadn’t seen it happen to me or my husband or some of my friends who are now doing this healing work too, I would never have believed it. I was so shut down, so hidden from the world, I wouldn’t have thought it was possible. I had to get really sick and stuck and desperate to find my way to Jean, but that’s cool that was what it took and now I feel like I’m re-awakening, it’s almost like I’m Neo from the Matrix and I chose the red pill and I’m like, “wow, I have this power, I am really here, this is what life is really like?!!” but the only difference is that I’m much happier than Neo was when he first took the pill:)
So thank goodness. Thank goodness. The other day in the car, my 3 year old daughter yelled out, “I’m free at last!” and I got these huge shivers, I felt like it was very significant (Jean has taught me that shivers/goose bumps occur when there is a truth, when what you are experiencing or talking about is pure truth). I stopped the car and I looked at her, and I told her about Martin Luther King Jr. and how those words are famous around the world. I explained to her what he did, how brave he was, how he knew the world could be better and he challenged us all to make it better. I was sitting there in awe of her, in awe of the work we are doing as a family and how she totally spoke the truth, we are free, our family is free, we are no longer bound to all the crap that families get stuck in, we see it as old roles, energy and we work beyond it. We do get stuck sometimes (like we currently are on this hiding when we say no to her deal) but we work through it, we are committed to her, to us, to us as a family. I told her what Martin Luther King Jr. said, “thank God Almighty, I’m free at last,” and she yelled it out, we both did as we kept driving. Sometimes now she just walks around and yells it out passionately. And then, the drums in my heart start to pound and I see that she will never be as limited as I was, that I had to go through all of my life experiences to wake up, to find freedom and to lead/show her and others who are interested, in another way, a way that truly is the path of freedom, to you, to your core, to your glory. As I’m writing this, I’m realizing I could have asked her why she felt free, but I think I just knew it deep down, that she feels so much more free than a year ago, because she is less bound to me energetically with all the “please don’t leave me” energy that I’ve released, and she is less bound to my husband for so many other reasons too, so I think she is truly feeling more free. What more can I say? Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last.
spontaneously go to a Groove Method (www.thegroovemethod.com) dance class Friday night,
have the time of my life,
move my body in the first real exercise I’ve done since before I was pregnant,
feel like I was connecting with my true self through dance and,
then very firmly decide to register for the Groove Method facilitator course that was taking place the next two days,
I would have said you were crazy!
Here are some reasons why I would have said you were crazy:
I have only left my daughter to be put to sleep by people other than me once (I have had some deeeeeeep abandonment fears to work through, soon enough I will get them posted in the My Healings section of my blog to give context to where I am now and how much I have let go of. There is one there now, but many more to come!)
I have never left my daughter for more than 3 hours in a day and I was going to be gone from 8:30-5:30pm both days!
I am not a fitness instructor (but I’ve always loved to dance)
I hadn’t yet given my self permission, or even realized that I hadn’t, to be anything other than a mom to a young child or a wife.
So there you go. Because of the last healing I had a week and a half ago (it’s currently the only one in the My Healings section of this blog!), I was able to see how little control I’ve always felt like I had over my life. It’s been such a long time coming that lesson, holy moly! If you had only ever known me, you might have said, wow, here is this girl who is happy, who seems like she’s got it made, but inside, I’ve always felt stuck, sad and alone. Crazy, it just never really matched up, I kind of felt like a walking dichotomy, but since I’ve been doing this healing work, I’ve let go of emotions and welcomed in more of my true self, the happy person I truly am (we are all this happy inside, this magnificent inside, it can seem to hard to belief, trust me I know this, but it’s true).
All that being said, after this last healing, I kept seeing how I had sooo limited myself at home, how stuck I was making myself, even though I was the one unconsciously doing it, my daughter certainly never said, “mommy, you can’t have any activities or any thing outside of the home,” and neither did my awesome husband, but I had put that on myself and it was really starting to limit me. It was creating an internal confusion, as well as a building resentment I really didn’t want to feel towards my family. That healing helped me to see that I could give myself permission to make my own choices, that I had control, that I could take back my power from my earlier life experiences where I surrendered to the masses, to what was expected of me instead of what I wanted. And now, I’m seeing how freeing that can be for me and in turn, for my family. So I went for it. I signed up for the class! YES!!!!! Thank goodness. And because I had done the healing, I was able to leave for the evening on Friday and all of Saturday and Sunday without feeling the guilt and fears that Zara would feel abandoned (and of course she was more than fine!). Had I not done the healing, I would have gone (possibly) but I would likely have been plagued by all the doubts, guilt and fears. Not this weekend! And it was a blast! I have to share about this dancing!!
The Groove Method!! Wow! It’s a type of dance where the instructor guides the participants through different songs and they coach a few moves per song, and then they coach the participants to dance the move their own way. So everyone in the class is united in the movement, but everyone is making the same movement unique by expressing themselves through the movements. In essence, it allows the participants to get in touch with their true selves and to express that through their dancing. It couldn’t be more applicable to my current work in this healing and expressing myself! I was soooo grateful for this opportunity, to dance, to socialize, to be among other women, to share some stories, hear some stories, share laughs, giggles, fears and tears. It was so wonderful. It was the first thing I’ve had just for me and I loved it. It was a chance for me to be out and to learn something for me, to test myself out in the world as my true self, as Bradlee, instead of as Bradlee with her family out and about, or Bradlee out with Zara, and as Bradlee, without as many fears and limiting beliefs, etc.
I would say that one of the most beautiful gifts that has come out of all of this healing work for me is my new found ability to accept and love others and to see their true selves. I always had this judgmental commentary running in the background but it has now gone and good riddance. Now, I can meet new people, look them in the eyes, bring out the best of them by being my true self, and I accept them and love them and I can see who they really are beyond whatever it is that is making them feel stuck. I saw some incredible beauty, resilience, strength, love and joy in the eyes of the other women who took the course and the instructors too. I felt so privileged to be in that room, to get the chance to see them, to be me, to dance and to breathe and to keep myself grounded and not get caught up in everyone else’s lives like I used to. I got stuck a few times, but I managed to get grounded (by touching my fingertips together and holding it until I felt tingling… that helps ground you in your body, Jean taught us that), and to move on. I tried amplifying my light too (I’ll write about that in another post!) and it instantly made me feel calmer too.
I shared some of my observations (about who they really are and how I saw them) with the two amazingly open and beautiful souls who taught the course and with some of the participants, and it was interesting, because some of them were like, “oh really, you could see that, in me?” So I figure that maybe as one heals, one can see more, intuit more, feel more….and I’m grateful for it. If I can see people’s true selves (like Jean has always seen me and coached me (Jean is our family’s healer/coach/guide)) and now I can share it with people I meet, maybe that will help them along a bit. I’d totally like to guide people to reclaim their true selves, to let go of emotions, so maybe this is part of my journey to get there, to be able to see them, to be able to share it with them, to see what it is that may be holding them back. Maybe I’ve had to let go of so much sadness, fear and control stuff, so I could see it in others and help them get rid of it. Who knows. I just know that I learned how to Groove dance and I loved it to my core, and I am going to develop some classes, practice the moves, then have people come over to my basement for Groove dancing sessions for my practicum and then find a place to offer my classes in Ottawa and help people connect with their souls through dance.
Thank you Melanie Guertin, the creator Groove Method! She is so open, so beautiful, so full of light. No wonder this dance method is taking the world by storm and opening people up to their magnificence! And as always, thank you to Jean for telling me about Groove dancing. During my first session with her, she helped me connect with more of me, and she helped me to see that I was a dancer in two past lives and that those two dancers were always with me, guiding me and supporting me. She was like, do the Groove class, connect with the dancer in you. Thank goodness I did. Thank you to the women in the class. You are all beautiful. It was a pleasure dancing with you and getting to know you, thank you for sharing yourselves and your stories with me. And of course, thank you to all of my girlfriends who taught me how to dance, or rather, who gave me permission to express myself to the music, which is exactly what Melanie is doing all around the world, giving people permission to feel the music, to be themselves, to connect with themselves. Thank you. And thank you to my soul today. I was aching all over physically until I realized that I needed to connect with my body and see why that was happening. It turned out I was scared of being a Groove facilitator, and once I connected with that, I realized that I needed to give myself permission to do it, just like Melanie had been teaching us the whole weekend. Before I can teach people to give themselves permission to be their true selves, I had to do it for myself. I cried and cried, let go of the lack of control I felt, affirmed that I would be okay, that my family will be okay if I make choices for me, and then I had less physical pain. Fascinating, fascinating indeed.
If you’re in Ottawa and you’re reading this, let me know if you want to come over for some Groove dancing!