I remember being young and not believing that anyone loved me. I remember feeling so confused when someone would outwardly show me that they loved me, I wondered if I deserved it and I wasn’t sure how to accept it. I constantly hated myself, judged myself and was hard on myself.
I remember that as I grew up a bit, and became a young woman, that I started to let others love me a bit and it always made me so sad, to actually feel the love from the other. I think that I was always waiting for it to leave again, for that beautiful feeling to go and for me to feel alone all over again.
I remember my brother coming home one day for his birthday and he just sat in the front entrance of the house and didn’t come in. I remember thinking, wow, he doesn’t even want to come in, I wonder what is going on and feeling sad (now I’m thinking I was just feeling him). Somehow, he got into a big argument with my parents and he left before really coming fully into the house. I was upset and I wanted to let him know that I loved him and I had never done that verbally before. I ran to the phone and called his cell phone and asked him why he had left and he was just paralyzed on the other end, I could feel it. I stopped talking but just kind of held him and then I told him I loved him and that I always would. I remember him saying, “what, you love me?” and then I saw myself in him, that shock, that disbelief, so I told him again. I think I was comforting him and trying to love both of us that day, finally.
So flash forward to me being 32, having spent the last year and a half reclaiming my life from the inside, step by step, and to how good I feel now. How I know that I am love (well most days, tee hee), and that the only love I need is really the love inside, the love that I am, the love that is God, within me and all around me. It’s hard to explain, it’s just this feeling that is within me now, almost like my heart has been lit up again, like a lantern and it’s shining, so I can find it again, to know that I am never alone, that I am loved and supported. It still gets me though, to really feel that love, whether it’s from someone else or from myself to myself.
For example, this morning I was going some yoga from the book Kundalini Yoga by Shakta Kaur Khalsa (the teacher of Radiant Child Yoga whom I trained with in July), and I was doing the Movement Relaxation part. You put on some beautiful music and dance around gently, release tension from your body and sway to the music. The next part is to touch every part of your body gently, “begin to lightly feel each part of the body without reservation….Bless yourself with your touch (page 77).” I started gently touching my face and I started crying so much. I was blessing myself, I was taking time out of my day to bless myself and love myself. I was crying from missing myself possibly, from actually feeling that I love myself and care about myself and just plain releasing emotions. It was really awesome, it felt so good, to be so gentle and caring with my body, to appreciate it, to know that I was giving myself some love, to know deeper down that I deserve it and that it is so important to do. I think it still surprises me sometimes, like wow, is this really what I deserve, is this really what life can be like, can I actually take time to love myself. Either way, I really liked it and it was beautiful for me.
May we all continue our journey of life and find that day, that moment, when we remember that we deserve love and that we can each love ourselves and others.