Learning to love myself

I remember being young and not believing that anyone loved me.  I remember feeling so confused when someone would outwardly show me that they loved me, I wondered if I deserved it and I wasn’t sure how to accept it.  I constantly hated myself, judged myself and was hard on myself.

I remember that as I grew up a bit, and became a young woman, that I started to let others love me a bit and it always made me so sad, to actually feel the love from the other.  I think that I was always waiting for it to leave again, for that beautiful feeling to go and for me to feel alone all over again.

I remember my brother coming home one day for his birthday and he just sat in the front entrance of the house and didn’t come in.  I remember thinking, wow, he doesn’t even want to come in, I wonder what is going on and feeling sad (now I’m thinking I was just feeling him).  Somehow, he got into a big argument with my parents and he left before really coming fully into the house.  I was upset and I wanted to let him know that I loved him and I had never done that verbally before.  I ran to the phone and called his cell phone and asked him why he had left and he was just paralyzed on the other end, I could feel it.  I stopped talking but just kind of held him and then I told him I loved him and that I always would.  I remember him saying, “what, you love me?” and then I saw myself in him, that shock, that disbelief, so I told him again.  I think I was comforting him and trying to love both of us that day, finally.

So flash forward to me being 32, having spent the last year and a half reclaiming my life  from the inside, step by step, and to how good I feel now.  How I know that I am love (well most days, tee hee), and that the only love I need is really the love inside, the love that I am, the love that is God, within me and all around me.  It’s hard to explain, it’s just this feeling that is within me now, almost like my heart has been lit up again, like a lantern and it’s shining, so I can find it again, to know that I am never alone, that I am loved and supported.  It still gets me though, to really feel that love, whether it’s from someone else or from myself to myself.

For example, this morning I was going some yoga from the book Kundalini Yoga by Shakta Kaur Khalsa (the teacher of Radiant Child Yoga whom I trained with in July), and I was doing the Movement Relaxation part.  You put on some beautiful music and dance around gently, release tension from your body and sway to the music.  The next part is to touch every part of your body gently, “begin to lightly feel each part of the body without reservation….Bless yourself with your touch (page 77).”  I started gently touching my face and I started crying so much.  I was blessing myself, I was taking time out of my day to bless myself and love myself.  I was crying from missing myself possibly, from actually feeling that I love myself and care about myself and just plain releasing emotions.  It was really awesome, it felt so good, to be so gentle and caring with my body, to appreciate it, to know that I was giving myself some love, to know deeper down that I deserve it and that it is so important to do.  I think it still surprises me sometimes, like wow, is this really what I deserve, is this really what life can be like, can I actually take time to love myself.  Either way, I really liked it and it was beautiful for me.

May we all continue our journey of life and find that day, that moment, when we remember that we deserve love and that we can each love ourselves and others.

Where do you live from?

Have you ever stopped to wonder where you live from?

Do you live from a place of:

  • leave me the f&*k alone
  • f&*k you
  • you can’t control me
  • who do you think you are
  • please love me, please see me
  • why even bother
  • I’m not worthy
  • I’m useless
  • I can’t do this any more?

I used to and I know I still kind of do, not consciously, but there is definitely an energy within me that is about all of these things.

Do you ever wonder why the same sh&t keeps happening over and over?  Do you wonder why you are attracting it?  There is so much about energy that I am just learning.  Because I’ve had all of these energies in my body, from upsetting childhood experiences, for example, those energies have been unconsciously influencing my life.  I am learning that all of those thoughts, emotions and energies are not me, I am so much more, I am full of love in my heart, in my core.  We all are.

What we all are in our hearts, in our core (from wallpaperdisk.com

I’ve had the brilliant opportunities to see how limiting those energies have been for me, for my daughter (because she feels them and responds to them), for my relationship with my husband, in my past jobs, etc. because of the healing work I’ve done with Jean Brazeau.  I’ve learned how and where those energies came from (from my parents, from the world, from my family, from my hurt 3 year old self, from past lives) and I’ve worked with Jean to get to the core of them, to release them, so that I can be me, Bradlee, pure and simple.  The freedom I now have in my heart because of these releases is indescribable, it is pure bliss, it is brilliant, it is like the wind is always blowing and I’m a huge tall ship and I never have to worry about adjusting my sails, it’s like the glass is always full, it’s like I could dance in bare feet on hot sand and still look graceful, it’s like I’m a pastry chef even though I don’t have all the tools, it’s like my body is finally just my body, it is beautiful and it just is the way it is, it’s like I’m finally me, all of me, not all of that list expressing itself through me, trying to fool me into thinking it was the real me.

So the next time:

  • you want to hide from the world, from your family, from yourself
  • someone asks you if you need help and you say no, it’s okay and try to manage by yourself and you struggle
  • you wonder why life is so hard
  • you push someone away or you avoid their eyes
  • feel so alone even though there are people around
  • say hurtful things because you are really hurting inside

take a breath and know that none of it is you. You are gold, you are beautiful.  Breathe and let it pass through and know that if you want, you can get to the core and release those feelings, because that’s all they are, it’s not you.  There are so many ways to get to the core, to find the peace, to get the release, to get to know you again, all of you, all the parts of you that you were taught weren’t good enough for the world, and you will actually know that you are perfect the way you are, that you never did anything wrong.  I am choosing me, not the sh*t, not the energy, not the withdrawing from the world, I choose me, for me, for my family, for the world, so we can all see we are beautiful and that freedom from all we thought was us, is possible.  I am working with Jean, you may choose another format, whatever works for you.  My husband Robbin works with Jean and has now become a Reconnective healer, which is a different way of accessing the truth.  Find what works for you, get to know you.  You are ridiculously worth it.  And then you can live from the love.  I’m there and I’m going all the way to the pure love, may you go there too.