Reconnected to me

This is a picture from the balcony of our cruise ship, from our honeymoon in 2006. I had no idea what a beautiful journey Robbin and I were about to embark on together!

I am so grateful for this journey I am on, the opening, the expanding, the breaking beyond whatever I thought was possible, beyond all the limitations I thought were me.  I am so grateful to finally be living from my heart, to be reconnected to me.  I have these memories as a kid, of me knowing there was more to me, knowing that I was big and strong, that I could be so much more, but that I felt so diminished, so small, so sad and so stuck.  I remember one time standing on the top of a huge snow mountain in grade 4 or 5 and the wind was blowing so strongly and I whipped off my tuque (my winter hat, whatever you call it if you’re not from Canada!), and I felt so strong, I remember saying in my head, I can blow them all away, I can do this, but I had no idea who I was talking to and what it was I could do.  It’s seemed kind of silly at the time, and now I kind of see it like I was feeling the strength of the wind, and I was reconnecting to me, to my strength and power, which was always there even despite how sad and lost I felt I was at 8 or 9.  The wind sparked something in me, that truth, that love and that power that was in my heart all along, but that was so lost.

Now I can honestly say that I’m starting to feel the real me, I am reconnected to me, the real and true me, the me beyond beliefs, beyond criticism, beyond judgements, beyond roles and rules, just me, and there is nothing “just” about me.  And there is nothing “just” about any of us.  If I can move through the suppressed stuff, then we all can, to find our greatness, to find our truth.  I’ve been working with Jean Brazeau (jeanbrazeau @ sympatico.ca) and with my husband Robbin Zrudlo (www.healandevolve.ca), to push past all that was not me and to rediscover the glory of me.  Sometimes I cry because I feel like I’m finally worthy of being alive, of celebrating, of living in happiness, instead of the victim role that I was soooo dead locked in, that so many of us are in.  Whether you are the aggressor or the victim, whether you are aloof or an interrogator, it’s just a role, it’s not you and you can push beyond it, there are so many ways of doing it.  If I hadn’t seen it happen to me or my husband or some of my friends who are now doing this healing work too, I would never have believed it.  I was so shut down, so hidden from the world, I wouldn’t have thought it was possible. I had to get really sick and stuck and desperate to find my way to Jean, but that’s cool that was what it took and now I feel like I’m re-awakening, it’s almost like I’m Neo from the Matrix and I chose the red pill and I’m like, “wow, I have this power, I am really here, this is what life is really like?!!” but the only difference is that I’m much happier than Neo was when he first took the pill:)

So thank goodness.  Thank goodness.  The other day in the car, my 3 year old daughter yelled out, “I’m free at last!” and I got these huge shivers, I felt like it was very significant (Jean has taught me that shivers/goose bumps occur when there is a truth, when what you are experiencing or talking about is pure truth).  I stopped the car and I looked at her, and I told her about Martin Luther King Jr. and how those words are famous around the world.  I explained to her what he did, how brave he was, how he knew the world could be better and he challenged us all to make it better.  I was sitting there in awe of her, in awe of the work we are doing as a family and how she totally spoke the truth, we are free, our family is free, we are no longer bound to all the crap that families get stuck in, we see it as old roles, energy and we work beyond it.  We do get stuck sometimes (like we currently are on this hiding when we say no to her deal) but we work through it, we are committed to her, to us, to us as a family.  I told her what Martin Luther King Jr. said, “thank God Almighty, I’m free at last,” and she yelled it out, we both did as we kept driving.  Sometimes now she just walks around and yells it out passionately.  And then, the drums in my heart start to pound and I see that she will never be as limited as I was, that I had to go through all of my life experiences to wake up, to find freedom and to lead/show her and others who are interested, in another way, a way that truly is the path of freedom, to you, to your core, to your glory.  As I’m writing this, I’m realizing I could have asked her why she felt free, but I think I just knew it deep down, that she feels so much more free than a year ago, because she is less bound to me energetically with all the “please don’t leave me” energy that I’ve released, and she is less bound to my husband for so many other reasons too, so I think she is truly feeling more free.  What more can I say?  Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last.

Where do you live from?

Have you ever stopped to wonder where you live from?

Do you live from a place of:

  • leave me the f&*k alone
  • f&*k you
  • you can’t control me
  • who do you think you are
  • please love me, please see me
  • why even bother
  • I’m not worthy
  • I’m useless
  • I can’t do this any more?

I used to and I know I still kind of do, not consciously, but there is definitely an energy within me that is about all of these things.

Do you ever wonder why the same sh&t keeps happening over and over?  Do you wonder why you are attracting it?  There is so much about energy that I am just learning.  Because I’ve had all of these energies in my body, from upsetting childhood experiences, for example, those energies have been unconsciously influencing my life.  I am learning that all of those thoughts, emotions and energies are not me, I am so much more, I am full of love in my heart, in my core.  We all are.

What we all are in our hearts, in our core (from wallpaperdisk.com

I’ve had the brilliant opportunities to see how limiting those energies have been for me, for my daughter (because she feels them and responds to them), for my relationship with my husband, in my past jobs, etc. because of the healing work I’ve done with Jean Brazeau.  I’ve learned how and where those energies came from (from my parents, from the world, from my family, from my hurt 3 year old self, from past lives) and I’ve worked with Jean to get to the core of them, to release them, so that I can be me, Bradlee, pure and simple.  The freedom I now have in my heart because of these releases is indescribable, it is pure bliss, it is brilliant, it is like the wind is always blowing and I’m a huge tall ship and I never have to worry about adjusting my sails, it’s like the glass is always full, it’s like I could dance in bare feet on hot sand and still look graceful, it’s like I’m a pastry chef even though I don’t have all the tools, it’s like my body is finally just my body, it is beautiful and it just is the way it is, it’s like I’m finally me, all of me, not all of that list expressing itself through me, trying to fool me into thinking it was the real me.

So the next time:

  • you want to hide from the world, from your family, from yourself
  • someone asks you if you need help and you say no, it’s okay and try to manage by yourself and you struggle
  • you wonder why life is so hard
  • you push someone away or you avoid their eyes
  • feel so alone even though there are people around
  • say hurtful things because you are really hurting inside

take a breath and know that none of it is you. You are gold, you are beautiful.  Breathe and let it pass through and know that if you want, you can get to the core and release those feelings, because that’s all they are, it’s not you.  There are so many ways to get to the core, to find the peace, to get the release, to get to know you again, all of you, all the parts of you that you were taught weren’t good enough for the world, and you will actually know that you are perfect the way you are, that you never did anything wrong.  I am choosing me, not the sh*t, not the energy, not the withdrawing from the world, I choose me, for me, for my family, for the world, so we can all see we are beautiful and that freedom from all we thought was us, is possible.  I am working with Jean, you may choose another format, whatever works for you.  My husband Robbin works with Jean and has now become a Reconnective healer, which is a different way of accessing the truth.  Find what works for you, get to know you.  You are ridiculously worth it.  And then you can live from the love.  I’m there and I’m going all the way to the pure love, may you go there too.

 

Leaping out of the box

Well!!  Here I am!  I am opening, I am expanding and I am realizing that I am SOOOOOOOOOOO much more than I ever thought possible, than I ever gave myself credit for, than I ever could have dreamed possible.  You know, when you stop to think about it, we’ve all been limited in so many ways, by what our parents thought/believed was or wasn’t possible, by what our teachers thought/believed was possible, our grandparents, our babysitter, our friends, by everyone.

It’s a shame, but that’s really how my life has been until the last couple of years, when my eyes were opened by the possibilities, instead of only ever seeing the negative and keeping my eyes closed from fear.  My first real boss, Ian MacKay, taught me to think outside the box.  Think outside the box, I remember saying to myself?  I can do this?  I was in a box before?  I was limited, and now I can go beyond?  Really?  Thank goodness for Ian.  He showed me and taught me so much, so did all of my colleagues at my first real job!  And so did all of my friends too, and my parents too, but I was just living from such a scared, traumatized place of shock about the world, that I couldn’t see it.  And when I first met my husband, wow, I was like, you can live like this, really and truly, with this apparent freedom from the box that so many of us live in?  Mine was teeny tiny.  Now, I’m not even sure where the walls are of that box.  Did I break it down? Did it dissolve?  Was it never really there in the first place?  Was it something my mind created to keep me small and safe?  Probably.  Now that I’m healing and opening and discovering the truth and beauty of me, I’m starting to learn that there aren’t really any boxes, and there aren’t really any walls, if there are any, they are an illusion, a diversion from the truth.  Once we can see that, we can be more free, to be ourselves, our glorious selves.

In the past few weeks, I have done so many things I never would have thought possible.  As the walls of the box have disappeared, here is what I have done:

  • I created a dance/yoga/movement/singing class for kids called Kids Connect.  I am sharing it with the parenting group that I am a part of and I am having an absolute blast.  I had the idea a few months ago and thanks to the healing work I’ve done with Jean Brazeau (jeanbrazeau@sympatico.ca) and my husband Robbin Zrudlo (www.healandevolve.ca), it’s almost like this path has opened up for me as a huge purpose/part of my life.  With Jean’s help, I discovered that I was a dancer in two past lives, as well as a teacher.  She also guided me to become a Groove Method dance facilitator (www.thegroovemethod.com) and she has helped me reclaim the truth of who I am, to my core!  After I did a Personal Reconnection with Robbin, I woke up two mornings in a row only to be inundated with remarkably cool ideas for classes for kids.  I am excited to see where this takes me!!
  • I have done things that previously would have super intimidated me, like fixing the base of our lamp because it broke off.  I decided to use two planks of wood and some bungey cords and it now stands up again!  It doesn’t look pretty, but I did it and I would never have attempted it before!  I was so proud of myself!  I also climbed up a tall ladder to the attic space above our garage to get Zara’s tricycle out.  I always thought I was scared of heights, but I did it and got the tricycle down and then went up for the bike!
  • I looked at the stack of old cloth diapers we have from when our daughter Zara needed them and I said, man what am I going to do with those…Now I’ve started making pads for me for when I get my period.  They’re brilliant, comfortable, easy to wash and super recycled.  And, Robbin helped me to design them and Zara (who is 3), pushed the pedal on the sewing machine for two whole pads worth!  I was so pleased with the project!  I thought of it, made it happen, accepted help, and finished it!  Yes, I’m still going to make more pads, but for now, I’m just over the moon with the success!
  • I’ve learned that I can just be.  I don’t have to do, I don’t have to force, I can just be and that I am great and that it is enough.  I was such a worrier before, always trying to make things happen, make sure everyone is okay and I’m leaving that old role and those old behaviors behind. I’m learning that I can breathe and be me and amplify the love I have in my heart so everyone feels it, including me, and that that is the best thing I can possibly do.
  • I had told my neighbor that I can pick up her daughter from the bus if she’s ever not home in time!  I’ve always wanted to be involved with the neighbors, to have a good relationship with them, especially since we didn’t as I was growing up.  It just makes sense to me that we should all do this!!  So my neighbor called me today and asked if I could pick up her daughter and look after her for an hour until she gets home.  I heard and felt the old panic rise up in me, like I can’t do this, I don’t really know her daughter, but then I was like, “hold on!!  I can teach a dance class with kids I don’t know, I just made some pads, this is exactly what I want, this panic doesn’t apply.  AND, my neighbor actually called me to ask me if I could help, which is awesome!  She trusts me and it is honestly my pleasure,” and then I was cool with it and excited.

I CAN DO IT!!  I CAN DO IT ALL!!  WE ALL CAN!!  Let’s leap out of the box, let’s say screw it all and live free, let’s give new things a try, let’s embrace our true selves and go for it.  Now that you’re grown, did you ever stop to think who is the one who is limiting you?  Is it possible that it’s you?  You don’t live with your parents any more, it’s your life, you get to make your own decisions.  You are responsible for you.  What do you really like?  What does your heart yearn to do?  You can listen to your heart and try new things, push yourself a little, know that you are safe and loved, it’s okay.  Be the love that you are.  I’m going for it and I’ll tell you it feels awesome compared to not knowing that I even had a heart, now I can feel it beating in my chest, urging me on.  And the walls of the box are gone and I’m really starting to know, deep within me, that it was never really there to begin with.