For the last six months, a deeper me has been emerging and I have been witnessing a form of my own death. I feel like I have been swinging back and forth between this hugely powerful me and this little and small version of myself that is now ready to dissolve and make room for the bigger me.
A lot of my writing lately has been about this swing and this emergence and dissolving and it has been deeply healing for me. I have been putting so much effort into loving the dissolving parts of me and that has been wonderful and amazing, but lately I have been feeling like I needed to take a different course of action, although I wasn’t sure what it was.
This evening, while I was driving to the grocery store, I felt all of the old emotions coming up, like they were dissolving and healing, and then I felt a greater and deeper part of me say, okay, enough, it’s time to focus on the one who is emerging, and not the one who is dissolving. And that voice within me told me to start writing blog posts about learning to live from this new power that is emerging within me, instead of what is leaving and dissolving. It’s almost as if the old that is dissolving is already on it’s way out and it knows it is honoured and loved, or else it wouldn’t be leaving! Neat, eh?
I sometimes feel shy about allowing the emerging one within me to be fully present in my everyday life and now that I’ve made this choice to focus on it, I’m both nervous and excited because I have a feeling that it will take me under its wing and teach me to shine, lead and roar, more than ever before.
I want to give myself permission to:
be a motivator, both for myself and for others
speak the truth that my being wants to speak, without always trying to fit in or please others.
rally people and bring them together in peace and unity and excitement because it is fun to be alive!
dance and sing wherever I go and not be scared of the judgement of others.
be the full me that I came here to be, without being shy or wondering if it’s okay to be my full and true self.
host workshops for learning how to come home to your heart that would include journalling, chanting and dancing.
write more and more and more.
know that I am worth it, that I matter and that I am very, very capable.
love my self so much and to let that radiate out to others.
I know that I am an empathic person who feels very much and that I don’t always need to focus on every little thing that I feel, but that I can focus on this new power emerging within me and let it do the work of living a life! It’s funny, because this writing feels so freeing, yet so new; it’s really reinforcing that it’s time for me to focus on the power because I’m not as comfortable with that yet, because I have spent so much time comforting my scared little self.
May we all blossom and emerge in our own time and in our own unique way and may we all complement each other’s openings. May we all be blessed with the courage to be our amazingly powerful selves!
I have been so astounded lately at who I really am! I’ve also been astounded at who I thought I was before and how I tried sooooo hard to put myself into all these different moulds that I thought society, family, friends, teachers and anyone really, wanted me to be.
I had a profound realization this week that I don’t have to be anything or anyone but me. I don’t need to have a mould that is pre-formed, what if I was just me, and that I was fluid, graceful, formless, without boundaries? What would happen if I didn’t need to identify with everything society has dictated that we should care about or be? What if I were to just stop pretending and allow the grace of my light to shine bright and guide me as my true self, without needing to constrict and contort myself any longer?
What if I discovered that I could be a vegan, vegetarian, carnivore, omnivore, whatever-vore all at the same time? What if I were just to tune into my body on any given day and ask my body what it needs and eat accordingly? These past two weeks, I have been eating so many vegetables and that was when it hit me, that I could follow the rhythms of my body and be a vegan for a week and then a vegetarian for two, and then eat meat for a week and allow the body to guide me. What if I didn’t have to limit myself to a category of eating styles? I was so excited about that realization!! For years and years, I felt tormented about food choices! Could I allow myself to be a chocolate bar lover without shame? Would it be okay if I didn’t only eat organic food? What if I ate something processed once and awhile? Would that make me a bad person? Now I’m seeing that I am free to make my own choices without having to limit myself to a category. I’ve used food as the example, but it stretches far beyond food.
What if I could clean the house because I enjoy it, not just because I am the woman of the house? It’s the same for cooking! What if I could approach all aspects of my life with the same detachment from needing to categorize my behaviors and the roles I play?
Who I am really underneath all the pretense? Who are we all?
As the shift happens on our planet, the shift to peace, higher levels of consciousness, and opening to our true power, I think we’ll all start dropping the pretenses and we’ll realize that really, we are all the same, we are all wanting to be free, to have the space to create, to experiment, to follow our hearts, to not conform to programs and hard rules, but to be free to fly, to soar, to be. I am ready to be me, not the me I always thought I had to be me, but the true me, beyond it all!
I have lived in this crazy pattern of living, then hiding, living, then hiding for as long as I can remember. It has been such a heavy pattern to live from, the guilt from hiding, the wonder if anyone is going to care enough to notice that I’m “hiding”, the feeling of the absence of me and what that must feel like for the people around me. All in all, heaviness and density, just dragging down yuck!
Now the exciting part!!! Wohoo!! As I’ve started reclaiming my life and getting to the core of these life long patterns, and as a result, I have the clarity to see how the pattern started and to choose differently. It also have given me the freedom to choose differently because the weight of the initial reason for the pattern has been released and cleansed. So the other day, I was told by our family’s healer/coach/guide some things about how I can support my daughter in her young life and how I can support myself as well. It was beautiful advice, given from the heart, neutrally and with every intent of support and love, I felt it in my whole being. I was excited because it made so much sense and I knew I could do it. By the time I got home and chatted with the repairmen who were working on our house, my mind totally took over and told me with all these poisonous thoughts:
-you are responsible for your whole family and look how you are ruining them,
-you can’t do this, you need time away, you need to run, get out of here, go away, far
-hide and hide, deeper and deeper, you don’t even want to be here.
I was aware of myself drowning in those thoughts, I knew they didn’t make any sense, but for some reason I felt powerless. I knew that I had likely absorbed some energy from the repairmen (this happens to all of us!), so I cried it out, I broke energy with them and yet I was hidden inside and frustrated and angry. It was amazing to me, it is pretty rare that I get “taken down” so hard any more. But it had to happen so I could stop the pattern myself I think. I had some quiet time to myself in the evening and I knew deep down that I could take care of myself, that I could connect to myself and shine my light through that darkness, but it was hard!! I’m learning that I have all the tools within and the support within and around me, that all I need to do is ask and it will come. I had a feeling though that there was something external that night that was going to help, so I trusted that. I found this video and it was exactly what I needed to help me take back my power from poisonous, suffocating thoughts:
How can I eliminate judgment and an explanation of anger: http://www.williamlinville.com/videojudgmentanger.html
I learned (again!!!) that the mind is always going to try to keep itself in power, in control, just as it has for most of our lives. I’ve been learning to thank my mind, to live from my heart and to use my mind as a tool instead of letting it manipulate me and control me (it used to tell me to eat to stay safe, etc, etc). It was a simple video that gave me back me power and I have a sense that it was a significant step for me in reclaiming myself. Learning to say to the mind, “Oh ya, you think so, eh? You think that I am ruining my family? Prove it and then we’ll see,” and of course, there is rarely any proof, especially not with those thoughts I was experiencing the other night, it is the exact opposite in fact:)
So I invite you to try the same! I don’t think that it is only as simple as this but it is a part of the puzzle of unravelling the layers we’ve buried ourselves under and starting to shine again.
I was so excited about what happened this afternoon!! Our family has been learning to take back our power from the world, from circumstances, from scenarios, from people, from everything! It has been so beautiful and so empowering. I will explain through the example of what happened at our home earlier today.
My husband Robbin and my daughter Zara (3) were going to go to the park this afternoon and Robbin encouraged Zara to go upstairs to get some socks because it’s cold. Zara said, “if you don’t get me socks, I won’t go to the park.” I couldn’t believe it. We so rarely speak to her or around her like that, but she had heard it before, so she kept it inside and used it right back. I had first read about teaching children about the reasons for things instead of giving them consequences for why they should do it or removing the privilege in a fantastic parenting book called Gentle Discipline. The book encourages parents to use logic and reasoning when explaining things to their children instead of just saying, “because I said so,” or “if you don’t do this, you won’t get this,” for example. Very rarely, I have said to Zara, “okay, well I’ve explained that it’s cold out, so if you’re not going to wear your coat, we won’t go,” (which I totally support when necessary!) and she used it right back at us this afternoon. After Zara said that, Robbin and I looked at each other, wondering what to say and then out of my mouth came,
“Well Zara, instead of making this about Daddy, why don’t you decide what you want to do. If you want to go to the park, go get your socks. If you don’t want to go to the park, then don’t, it’s okay either way, but by making it so Daddy has to go get the socks, you’ve given up your power to Daddy going to get them, so do what you want to do instead.”
It was beautiful. Zara heard me, she left the room, went up the stairs and got her socks and was jumping up and down with excitement to go to the park!!
We can all do this, not just with our children but for ourselves! Instead of leaving our happiness up to someone else, we can stop, take back the responsibility for our own lives and live for ourselves, and voila, you’ve taken back your power from the world and the circumstances you find yourself in. I am so grateful for this journey of reclaiming my life and actually living my life instead of being a victim to my life and all its circumstances!
I felt choice-less for so long. It feels really long, even though it was about 31 years, well no, closer to 32, which is how old I am now. It’s taken me a year and a half of work with an amazingly loving and beautiful and intuitive energy healer to get to the realization that I have a choice. Every day, every minute, every second. I can choose how I want my life to be. I can choose. Wow. I had no idea. I was living in such a helpless and choice-less place. In fact, I think it’s pretty awesome that I’m starting to see that I have a choice, that I have a voice I can use, that I have legs that can move my body if I’m not pleased with where I am, and that I have a light inside that I can amplify so that I can bask in my light, in my love and always know that I am safe and loved and cared for. Even if it had taken me my whole life, it would have been a worthy lesson, a lesson that would have been a huge accomplishment to have learned in one life time. And now, here I am, every day, remembering that I can choose.
During my last healing session, which I kind of thinking of as a “cutting the cord” healing and a “finding my voice” healing, I remember saying to Jean, “you know, I look forward to the day when I don’t feel guilty or bad about things.” Tee hee. Jean looked at me, so intensely, so seriously and she said,” well you know Bradlee, you can wait for that day, or you can choose it now, you really don’t have to wait.” Hahaha, I think you could have heard the light bulb turning on or the proverbial click, “aha, she got it!!” It settled into every cell in my body, which was super exciting! I have a choice! Wohoo!!
So, a week or so later, I asked my daughter who is 3 if she could feel that I had been worrying about her when we were out at a friend’s house. She said she could feel it. I started to feel bad and then I said, “you know Zara, one of these days, I won’t worry about you any more, because you are so capable and so perfect in every way,” and then, I heard it again, the click, this realization, the choice that I had at that exact moment. WOW!! I said, “oh my goodness Zara, I have a choice!! I don’t have to worry about you any more, right now, I can do this! I don’t have to choose to do this any more!!” I got really excited and I bolted right up. I don’t remember if I sang, or danced, or if that was only an internal thing, but it was like a huge weight off of me and off of her. I felt the difference, I was able to feel the weight of that worry, and I knew it was gone, that I had made a conscious decision to let her be herself, to trust her, to trust her inner knowing, which is so strong, so wise, so powerful. As I’m healing, I’m learning to trust myself, to stop worrying about myself, so as I am letting go of the need to protect myself, it’s extending to Zara because I was so over-protective of her. Now I see that I can also choose to let her go, let her be herself and to learn more to trust herself and to learn how capable she is without her mother always there, hovering. My mom did the same for me, she was always there, protecting me one way or another because that inner need to protect your child is so strong, especially since it stems from all of your own past hurts. For many reasons I’m now starting to understand (from this life and many past lives), I always felt so unloved, so unsafe, so scared. If I can free myself and let myself be free, and let myself be me, then Zara will be herself, instead of a shadow of herself, like I always felt like I was. I was barely there, that’s what it felt like. May this letting go, may this choice, allow my daughter and I greater freedom, greater independence, greater trust and great love!!
When I was at Jean’s house for that last healing, Jean had turned off the soft music because she had felt like it was distracting me. We went into this huge boil I had on my inner thigh to find out what was in there and it was my mom’s voice, yelling at me to leave her alone because she was busy and didn’t have time for me then. I remember being little and even older and kind of hanging around her, looking for love, for play times, for connecting and she would ask me if I needed her to entertain me and she asked me to go do something else. Whenever she said that, I felt awful inside, it always seemed so cruel, so hurtful, so loud, so scary, I didn’t want to be alone, I was so terrified of being alone, even if it was just by myself to play. I think we all have that place inside, where we want to scream out, “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”, especially as a mother of young children, who is trying to do everything perfectly, be responsible, to love her kids, to give her kids what she didn’t have, but not having enough time for herself. I think all moms can relate to that, I have certainly felt it, as well as it’s opposite, “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.” It can be quite a confusing dynamic to life out in daily life, and as I’m seeing it, how I was stuck in that, I can now appreciate all the confusion I felt!!
During the healing, I had to go inside and find that 3 year old me who had learned that it was better not to speak, better to be seen rather than heard, she who came to think she wasn’t good enough, wasn’t love-able and who was worthless. I cried alot and then I sent her to the light with her true family. She didn’t want to leave at first, she was too scared, so Jean helped me to love her and to coach her that she was okay, that she had done her job, that she could go home to the light. I always love that part, I remember feeling all those little selves my whole life, controlling me, trying to protect me, trying to keep me safe, when really the circumstances had changed and yet, they were limiting me, creating my reality. So, to find them inside, to hear their messages, to allow myself to feel the pain I was never allowed to feel, to express the emotions that were shoved down (again, we all do these things), and then to send them to the love and light, wow, it is truly transformational and pure and beautiful. There was another little me in there too, a 6 month old me who was alone in her crib, crying out, feeling unsafe and unloved and wanting protection while my parents were in the hallway fighting. It’s amazing, I never remember my parents fighting, they were so not the fighting kind (if they had disagreements it was usually non-verbal, but I remember feeling it nonetheless), but there must have been that time very early in my life. I had absorbed the anger and fear from their argument, the leave me alone, and the please don’t leave me that were cycling back and forth during that argument. It’s what happens to all children and really to all of us, if we aren’t aware, if we aren’t grounded in our bodies, the energy of the argument comes right in and stays there, even if it isn’t our argument, and then an hour later we have a headache and we don’t know why. I can think of all those times I felt heavy after being around certain situations and that heaviness now makes sense!!
After experiencing the feelings I had as a 6 month old, we released her to the light too. Then Jean had me envision a cord between my mom and I, and then she had me cut it. I saw a picture of us falling apart, and then she quickly said, “okay, now seal it with your love.” I LOVED that part! It was so loving, so beautiful, so true, so in respect of the relationship with my mom, it was almost like a way of saying, ‘all that happened, it’s okay, we’re going to live side by side in the love, not in a crazy mother daughter knot any more, it’s okay, we’re good, I love you mom, thank you for all that you have done for me and thanks for your support as I grow and become my true self.” I really felt nice. Then I did it with my daughter and I, a shorter version because Jean hadn’t suggested it, but it felt right, to allow for her and I have to that same love, that same space, that same side by side dancing, instead of knotted tangled attempts at life. Then, the music turned on, just like that and much louder than before when Jean had turned it off. We both looked at each other, the stereo was on the other side of the room, and we were both silent. She looked at the clock and it was 12:12pm and she kind of gasped, and she said, “Bradlee, it’s 12:12pm, it’s a number of a huge opening for you (she explained that any double numbers are representatives of openings in a life).” Then she paused and she said, “Archangel Michael is here, wow, let’s just sit here with our eyes closed and take all of this in.” I felt radiant and beautiful and then I cried a bit because I felt worthy, I felt loved and protected. I had experienced this huge opening for my mom, myself and my daughter, a beautiful loving opening and Archangel Michael came to support me and to give me his love and he turned the music on. I basked in it and felt the possibilities. I remember crying on and off and I know we talked a bit more afterwards. Jean had told me, “Bradlee if you don’t believe that you are supported and being cared for after this…” and then I knew, without a doubt, that I was loved, that God was with me, that angels are with me, and that they truly are with all of us, because if they are with me, they are with all of us. I had given up on God, Jesus and angels and all of it, and they keep coming to me to show me they’ve always been there, that I can call on them if I need them and that they are here for me to support and love me.
Wow. Is there any other word I can write than wow? Maybe thank you. Maybe there are no words, but rather I can live my true life, and be grateful that I am here, that I am questioning the old, letting go of the old, and welcoming in my truth and living really and truly from that place.
Before I finish this post, I’d like to add that I’ve always been scared that I have a bad singing voice. It’s always seemed so weak and scared to me. I can think of many times when I have been told that I am not a good singer, or felt like I was no good at singing, etc., so it never really surprised me. Now that I’m teaching family and kids yoga and singing a lot, I was thinking I would get some voice lessons, to be able to project my voice and find it’s power. I came home after this healing last Monday and I sang a song for my daughter and there was so much power and volume in my voice, I didn’t recognize it. I tried it again, there it was, my voice, loud and powerful!! And it sounded nice!!! By releasing those energies that day, it freed up my voice to the next level, so I could speak up for myself, so that I could find the power within and sing it out. What a true blessing and gift. I’m honored, thrilled and very excited to see how I continue to shift and evolve and open as I commit to myself, totally and completely.
I was reflecting on my journey a few days ago… By December 2010 I was devastated. I was a mother and wife trying to do the best I could, but all the sadness that was inside me was holding me back, was screaming at me, and was making me physically really sick. It was such a powerful force, but I had to finally face it and be free. I read a quote today, that pretty much summed it up for me:
“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” Carl Jung
That quote is what happened to me. I was doing the best I could in my life, but it was from a place of unconsciousness, and the darkness and the lack of consciousness was running the show, and I had no idea. I was trying to be me, loving and caring, and be all that I felt like I never had while growing up, but it was all reactive. It was all from a place of “I need to do things differently so Zara doesn’t feel the same pain I have felt while growing up.” That’s a dangerous place to live from, trying to pretend like the darkness isn’t real, like I can just avoid it, keep it down. A reactive way of living kept me safe on the surface, so I was hiding from what truly happened in my past so that it didn’t happen again, instead of acknowledging it, releasing it and moving on to live from a balanced place.
I had to get physically ill. I had to watch my daughter (who was only 1 and a half when the sickness started) come along with me, dragged under by the power of the darkness that I had suppressed, but that was coming up to be acknowledged and released, so that:
I could re-awaken,
I could live consciously, within my own power and light,
our family could be free,
each one of us could be emotionally free from each other and we as a family could “walk” side by side, instead of being all tangled up and dragging each other behind.
The biggest step for me was going to see a naturopath (www.dragonflynaturopathy.com) when I was at my worst physically (and our daughter too) and she said, “I’ll help you get physically healthy, but you need to get emotionally healthy, because it is the root of all of this.” Wow, I was astounded. I had told her about some of my life experiences and she helped me to see that any time I had a traumatic experience my body reacted with a disease or illness shortly afterward. For example, I had known deep down that I didn’t get my period for a whole year because I was playing competitive basketball in college when I really didn’t want to. Or when I was 15, I became lactose intolerant a few months after breaking my tail bone; I was in a lot of pain, I didn’t feel like my parents acknowledged the terrible pain I was in but instead sent me to a physiotherapist who massaged my tail bone from the inside, I was feeling horrible and molested, and for some reason, I never told my parents how horrible it was for me to go there or what they were doing to me.
With the amazing guidance of our naturopath, I realized what must be inside of me and how it needed to get out so I could be free. She encouraged me to read the book The Journey by Brandon Bays (http://www.thejourney.com/) and it changed my life. I read it and I learned about how you can heal your body by getting to the emotional core of what is in the body, that is causing the illness/disease/symptom and then release it by allowing yourself to feel the emotions that were suppressed way back then. It was fascinating and my heart sang. Every cell in my body knew it was truth. I found a Journey practitioner here in Ottawa (Jean Brazeau) and now I am different, now I am me, I am finally Bradlee, and I feel so much lighter, so much more capable and free. Wow. If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ve likely started to get a sense of the wonder I feel, realizing that all that sh*t was never me. This is me! And I really like me! I didn’t like living in the sadness, but I do like this and I welcome the next emotion and memory that wants to come up now because I’m like, “yes, let’s get it out so there is more room for me in here!!”
Back to the subject of this blog post though, how my heart won over my mind… I vividly remember my food healing with Jean Brazeau (please see My Healings, My food healing), where she helped me get to the core of the darkness that had me and my family in its grip. This post is not about how that healing allowed me to reclaim my body and my power over food, but that there was much more to the work to follow than I ever could have anticipated, to get to the freedom that truly each one of us is capable of, the freedom that exists as we connect to our hearts and calm our mind to be our friend instead of our controller.
After that session, I remember crying deeply at home while our daughter was napping, as a release, as a letting go of how responsible and guilty I felt that Zara had to be dragged along with me through the despair of all the food sensitivities, of my weight loss, of the helplessness, of the lack of sleep, of the pain of trying to be me, but being strangled from the inside. I let it all out and it felt so much better. Then I was left knowing that I could for the first time in my life, eat whatever I wanted. That I could eat dairy again, that it would be okay. It was a new concept to me, and I embraced it. I knew it in my bones, that I was healed, that Zara was healed, that we had lived through a miracle. So I set out with Zara to eat healthily but to enjoy food! What I didn’t expect was the sabotage from my mind, from the ego, that wasn’t going to let go without a huge fight. I had learned about the ego in psychology class in university, but I was to actually experience it and to move beyond it in real life, instead of from a text book! It was my real education and thank goodness there were resources and references!!
Since Zara could crawl, she would take A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle off the book shelf and give it to me. I had bought it a few years ago, but I hadn’t been ready to read it. A few days after my food healing in June 2011, she walked over, picked it up and gave it to me. She was not quite 2 and a half. I finally said, “oh, she’s been wanting me to read it all along,” so I started my real education about the ego.
I just want to add an aside before I continue. I’m learning that our daughter is very gifted and that there are many children like her. I have met many crystal children now like Zara and they constantly astound and amaze me. These children were born to change the world, to show us the truth, to shine, to highlight the way of love and to not be controlled (unlike so many of us, including me, I was so controlled by everything). Zara is a crystal child and she has always had a strong knowledge and sense of energy; she always chooses the deepest, most profound books from our book shelf; she has told me before, “Mommy, you are stuck in your head, you need to be right here (and she’s pointed to my chest),” and she has, on many occasions, read my mind and read the energy that is in my body that is coming up to be released. I can give you tons of examples, but it will be up to you whether you choose to believe it or not. Maybe you’ll just need to meet a child like this to fully understand…and there are more of Zara’s examples in the rest of this post too:)
Back to A New Earth. I started to read it and it opened up my eyes to how powerful the ego is. How it does not like change, how it can create illnesses to give itself a new identity, and how it is so used to having full power over us. The ego is the source of all unconsciousness and it will not give up easily as we open to conscious living. For example, I knew I could eat whatever I wanted after that food healing, but 4 days afterwards, Zara looked at me and she said, “Mommy, the food is bouncing around in your belly, you need to let it pass through.” I remember being in shock, first of all, how did she know that and second of all, why was it stuck, I thought I was letting it pass through, that I had healed myself. So I asked her why it was bouncing and what I could do about it (Jean has coached us to ask Zara questions, despite her young age, because she is quite wise, like all kids, and she will often be able to guide us). Zara recommended that I take deep breaths and bend over each time and touch my toes. So I tried it, and I did it a few times and she said, “okay Mommy, it’s fine now.” It was a very confusing time for me. I was letting go of so much, and was learning how to be a “normal” person and to eat whatever I wanted, while throughout my whole life I had had this litany of voices in my head (my parents, society, my own, etc) saying, “you’re fat, don’t eat that, don’t eat carbs, you’ll get fat, don’t eat that, you need to exercise, you can’t be hungry, drink water instead, if you eat that, you’ll get bloated, oh, you can’t possibly eat those two foods together,” and on and on. I didn’t realize what a huge battle I was undergoing with the ego at the time!! I had to overcome all the programming and beliefs about food as well, not just the memories and emotions that had caused all the food sensitivities that I had released with Jean at my healing session.
So over the next few days, Zara kept coaching me about the food bouncing and then I got super insecure, wondering if it was a sham, and if I couldn’t do it. I was just plain stuck and worried. I had already planned to visit my parents, so I went. When I got there, we made some cookies, so I ate them and I got bloated and really emotional and I was a mess. I was there for 2 days and all of a sudden I was crying, I couldn’t eat anything and I was so upset. I felt lost and confused. My mom was telling me that because I’m blood type O, I have to avoid all these certain foods and that just because all the food issues had been “in my head”, it didn’t mean I could eat whatever I wanted, that my body had limitations. I remember thinking that she was trying to reassure me, but I was so angry because I knew that I should be able to eat whatever I wanted after that food healing, that my body could take in what it needed and let the rest pass through. We left after a few days and I was miserable. We were driving back to Ottawa, which is a 2 hour drive, and then half way home, the haze and the misery lifted. It was gone and I was me again. I started screaming with joy! I realized that I had gone back into the unconsciousness that had created most of the food issues in the first place. My body had felt it and responded to it accordingly (and was shutting down and not digesting the food) but that once I was far enough away from my parents, my body remembered the truth and I felt lighter. It was super powerful for me, super profound. While I was there, I gave up my power to my parents, to the beliefs and fears they still had about food (that they likely absorbed during their own childhoods and throughout their lives), even though I knew I was in neutral ground again within my heart. It was almost like it needed to happen, to show me how powerful beliefs, fears and energies are and just how vulnerable I was to them.
But I still had to overcome more about the ego too. At the time, I didn’t realize that the battle was continuing….that I had only accomplished step one in the battle between my heart and my mind.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always needed to eat often and quickly, or else I would get grumpy or physically weak. That continued even after my food healing. I was somewhat aware of it, but I just thought it was the way I was. I could see that it was very limiting for me and for our family. Then I started to see it as another form of control or stemming from a lack of control that I always felt in my life. I had been wanting to go to Toronto with my husband on his business trip, but I remember thinking, how can I possibly travel while on this crazy restrictive diet, it would be impossible, so I decided not to go. A few days later, I had my food healing, so I was feeling brave, and I went for it.
As we were planning for the trip, I was starting to see how much control food had in my life, how I used it to make me feel better, how my body and mind were always sending me signals that it was time for me to eat again, etc…. Zara and I were going to take the train and meet up with Robbin in Toronto the next day, so it was super exciting for both of us. I packed lots of healthy food in our backpack for the train ride. We got on the train and I was immediately hungry, despite having just eaten breakfast. So I ate some more food, and then I started to feel sick, my throat was sore, I felt weak and I was feeling very tired. I ordered some tea and tried to rest, all while having fun with Zara on her first train ride. I ate some more and then some more, all in an attempt to make me feel better. I started feeling more tired but I was saying to myself, “I won’t get sick, I won’t get sick,” but I remember not really believing it. We arrived in Toronto and had a marvellous afternoon with our friends and then I was trying to get Zara ready for sleep in the evening. I was so tired myself and she looked at me and said, “Mommy, the bacteria are bouncing all around your body.” I knew she was right, I felt like I was fighting something, so I cried and cried. I was so scared of being sick, so I cried out all the fear. The last time I had been really sick was the last time we had gone on a family trip when Zara was 6 months old and I had gotten strep throat, and an ear and eye infection, so I was terrified of that happening again. So I cried and I felt better. She went to sleep and I helped clean up and I went to bed early, around 8:30pm. I woke up at 2am and I remember having this huge realization, “OH! I am giving up my power to the fear of getting sick and to these bacteria that are just waiting to create an illness.” So I screamed out in my head, “bacteria you are not welcome here, you will not cause an illness, I have the power and you can’t make me sick.” I felt silly but really great, and then I fell right back asleep and I woke up refreshed and rested, with no signs of any illness. It was my second step in reclaiming my body as my own, instead of being controlled by fears and my mind.
We were on our trip for 5 days and I could still feel the panic rising occasionally (the ego trying to hold on) and I could still see the control my mind had over me with regards to food. I would wake up in the middle of the night, freaking out about the whole food thing, so I would do some deep breathing and some yoga poses my cousin Patrycja has on her blog (http://www.inspiredmomentsblog.blogspot.ca/) and that really helped me come back to a place of love, instead of one of fear and lack of control. But the ego was still winning, I was hungry all the time, and I had to pack lots of food with me whenever we left the hotel to feel safe and I always had to have a plan for when we would eat next. I was always like that, but unconscious about it. However, I was now aware of this tendency, but I wasn’t sure of what to do about it. We arrived home from our trip and it was very successful but I knew I had more to work on with this ego battle.
In the month of July, I was still overcoming so much, although I was truly unaware of the magnitude of it at the time. For a few weeks, Zara would say to me, “Mommy, don’t eat all the food,” or “Mommy, don’t eat all my food.” I was so confused and so upset by her comments. I didn’t understand where they were coming from or why she was saying them. I never ate food from her plate without asking her and those statements made me feel powerless, confused and upset (I’m learning now how not to give up my power to what other people say, but rather to listen and not blame them for the feelings that I’m experiencing as a result of what they said). I was feeling a little desperate and I had just learned about the Ho’oponopono prayer so I looked it up and decided to try it with Zara, just in case it would help (http://www.thereisaway.org/Ho’oponopono_cleaning_meditation.htm). It’s a prayer where you say to the person you want to direct the prayer to: Dear Zara, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and you repeat it over and over again. I read about it and it felt right. I just wanted the food stuff to be over!! I was holding her one morning when she had just woken up and was breastfeeding and she was falling back asleep so I decided to try it. I was saying it over and over again in my heart and I started crying and she was nodding and nodding, even though her eyes were closed. She could hear me and feel my apology for whatever was going on within me that was making her feel like I was going to eat all the food in the house. It was only after talking with Jean a few days later that I understood what was fully going on: my mind was always telling me to eat, ALWAYS. I remember walking down the street with Zara and she told me not to eat all the food (she was not even 2 and a half at the time) and it was her way of saying, “Mommy, your mind is always thinking about food, stop it.” After that chat with Jean and hearing Zara say that so many times, it brought that inner dialogue about food into my awareness, which was huge. Check mate for me, take that ego. Now I just needed to learn some tools to overcome it further.
I read more of A New Earth, and I learned that the ego can cause changes in the body, to soothe itself, to feed itself and to create more needs to be fulfilled. I remember waking up and being seized with a desperate desire to eat. I learned (thanks to the book, my awareness and my husband) to recognize the difference between being physically hungry and being controlled by the ego. I would have to sit through the desperate hunger, acknowledge it and let it pass. It was ridiculously challenging, but it got easier each time. It was probably like quitting smoking or something. I just knew that I wasn’t going to feed it any more, I was going to reclaim my life and take back my power from the ego. There were times when I ate in the desperation and I laughed at it, and tried again.
There was one day, when I practically ate the contents of the kitchen. I was just eating and eating, feeling this huge need inside me to eat. Then, when I brought some awareness to the intensity of the desire, I realized it was impossible that the hunger could be real, that intense. It had to be the ego. I remembered how there were parts in The Power of Now, also by Eckhart Tolle, that were quite helpful for me too. I stopped what I was doing, I took out the book, I sat on the kitchen floor and I read. I chose that day to read the part about women and the collective consciousness we all have and how it can take over during menstruation and manifest in different ways for all women (for me it was usually withdrawing and eating). The collective female consciousness is very acute during menstruation and it brings up all the pain and torture we have undergone as a sex,but Tolle coaches that we can see it for what it is, acknowledge it and not let it take over any more and as such, menstruation could be transformed into a period of grace and communion with the body. I will always remember the day I read that and how I knew it was the truth I needed to overcome the huge pull of the ego/mind once and for all. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor and being filled with this awareness, this power, that I could do it, that I could live from my heart and not be tricked by the mind any longer (or at least not to the same extent!!). It was a beautiful moment. I was reading it out loud to Zara and I was screaming with happiness!!!
Since that time, I don’t fight with my body as much. I can wait two hours to eat breakfast. I am not desperate to eat. I don’t worry about when our next meal time will be. I still leave the house with snacks, but only if we’re going to be gone for more than an hour. I am so pleased, I am so proud of myself, I again have the power in my life, my heart won over my mind and it is bliss in comparison to how I used to live. It has nearly been a year since my food healing and I can still eat whatever I want and so can Zara. I have now learned that when I am feeling bloated or like I have indigestion, that it has nothing to do with what I ate, but rather the situation I am in and the energy that I have taken in or the thoughts that have taken over. With practice, I have learned to tune into my belly, release the density within there (since it’s a vulnerable place for me) and come back to my heart, to a balanced place. I don’t get it every time, but it has gotten remarkably better for me!
So I leave you with some thoughts…Be aware of what gets you. Be aware of what gets you down, what makes you feel controlled, what makes you feel helpless. See it. Feel it. Know it isn’t you. It can be conquered. It takes awareness and a willingness. There are resources, like books (Eckhart Tolle, Bruce Lipton, Geneen Roth,Richard Carlson, James Redfield, Don Miguel Ruiz, Paulo Coehlo, William Linville and so many more I don’t know!), healers, blogs, yoga, whatever you choose, you can overcome and pull out of the ego/mind game and live from your heart! Your heart can win over your mind, love can conquer all and conscious living is truly a blessing and a gift. Namaste.