Giving myself permission

My husband Robbin and I were having a chat yesterday about our dreams from the night before:

  • My dream: Robbin and I were together and he was crying, telling me how much he has missed me
  • Robbin’s dream: The three of us were together as a family and I was trailing behind, not really participating because I was tired and I was ready to go.

We just casually shared about the dreams, then I went into the bathroom to put something away or to finish cleaning it and I yelled over to the kitchen, “you know Robbin, I’ve always been tired, my whole life!!  I’ve always been tired!!”

Our dreams were showing us what we were leaving behind.  I have had a huge two weeks in terms of self awareness and growth.  I have finally come to see how tired I have been and how fearful I have been of being tired and how that cycle of tired and fear has been controlling me for as long as I can remember.  I think the cycle all revolved around keeping me small and safe, because for so long as a child, I didn’t feel like the world was a safe place and I believed that I was really alone.

With the guidance of the coach that our family sees, I have been able to see these cycles of protection, control, fear and fatigue and they’ve come to a place where they were so obvious that I couldn’t deny them any longer.  There they were:

  • I was planning my life around being tired
  • I was always in fear of being tired and getting sick or overwhelmed
  • I was always scared of not being safe enough, being too vulnerable and small
  • I was controlling the environment around me (including my family and friends) to make sure that I could stay safe and keep our four year old daughter safe.

I’d rather be honest with myself and really look at what has been going on so that I can be free of it.  I don’t want to live a limited life anymore, nor do I want to limit my husband and daughter any longer.  I’m really done with that, it’s been so sad, so scary, so limiting and so resentment causing.  I’ve been resenting people around me who are more free and more open to new opportunities, when I’ve always felt trapped in a little box with super thick walls that I created with the illusion of protecting me and keeping me safe.

All of this has come into my awareness in the past few weeks because in my last healing session, I had a memory come up for me about playing hide and seek when I was a kid.  It was a blessing really, because Zara had been playing hide and seek with her friends and I felt really nervous but didn’t really understand it until the memory presented at my session the next day.

In the memory, I was trapped in a big linen chest, and I remember feeling so scared, so trapped, so helpless, and I felt really alone.  It was a fantastic memory to get to, because it was keeping me so small, it kept me looking through the eyes of that young girl who was scared and terrified.  I was finally able to see how I had such trouble letting my daughter play alone with other kids, that I needed her to be within eye sight so I could make sure she was safe.

It was also somewhat devastating to realize the truth of what I was doing.  I thought I was being a “good parent” by watching her.  In my experience though, being a parent and parenting cannot be defined, it’s really about responding to each situation from the heart and getting to the core of any issues and removing those limiting blocks/memories/emotions so you and your child(ren) can be free.

Thanks to those realization and the growing awareness of what I was doing and why, I have come so far in the past week!

  • I gave Zara some space to play with her friends and she was so comfortable, happy and free!  I even heard her say, “Please stop doing that to me, I don’t like it,” or something along those lines!  I checked in with her once and twice and she was totally fine and was having a blast!  Imagine that!! 
  • I planned an activity/outing for each day of the week, and felt fine!  I was tired occasionally, but I was able to see that I was still safe, that I was never alone!  I was able to use the many tools I have learned to renew my energy and to reconnect to myself to feel good, instead of being locked in being tired and scared.

As a result of all of this, I feel like there is more of me here this week, more of me here to share in the joys of life, more of me to share with myself, my husband, my daughter and my friends.  I am giving myself permission to live my life!!

I continue to marvel at how limited I was and how much more free I get with each time that I look within with Jean’s help (the healer/coach/guide our family sees)!  It seems to me that giving myself the go-ahead to have a blast and be free and know that I am always safe is what I came to this planet to play with and explore.  I’m so happy to have such beautiful people around me to share myself with and to share in the joys of life.  May the walls keep crumbling and may my bright shiny soul fly as I continue to see just how big and strong my wings really are.  I think they may even have bright sparkly feathers:)

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Back to the middle

Back to the middle….that is the theme at our house these days.  In fact, it has been for the past year, ever since I got really sick, trying to be there for our daughter in ways that I never felt like my parents were for me.  The inner battle I was fighting at that time almost killed me.

Since I’ve been healing, I have learned that living life in the middle, not at either extreme, is really the goal.  I was parenting from a reactive, hurt, “no friggin way am I going to do it like that” way, and that was not helpful for any of us.  Our naturopath Dr. Ann Lawrence (www.dragonflynaturopathy.com) was the first one to point it out to me when I had so many food sensitivities and she had the insight to know that it was more than physical with me, that it was actually quite emotional.  I had learned so much from so many parenting books that changed my world, altered my perspective on parenting and gave me so many tools, so I remember being hurt when she said that to me, but a year later, I see how right she was.  Actually, I knew she was right even then…I had read so much, I was so pleased with the parenting tools I had acquired, I saw how child-honoring they were and how useful they were for me and for our family, but while using those tools, I was in direct conflict with all the pain I had inside from my own childhood.  It wasn’t until I started healing, that I could see how all the internal stuff inside was causing the conflict inside, the battle, because my outer parenting didn’t match the hurt inside.  So I’ve been letting it go, slowly coming back to the middle.  As a result, here are some of the things that we’ve changed:

  • Robbin and I have given ourselves permission to be parents.  We’re not operating from the same place of hurt and lack of control we were initially, we can see how Zara needs us to put boundaries in place, that she needs us to say no, that it is okay to say no, especially since we are getting closer to the middle, it is less of a loaded no, less of a “well, I’m saying no, but I really hope you don’t hate me because of it,” or “I hope you don’t think I’m rejecting you and pushing you away because I’ve said no.”  Those are two things I always thought whenever I put myself first or said no to Zara.
  • Now, I can clean the house and get Zara to help me or she can do something else while I clean.  I realize that I don’t need to be there for her every second, that that can be detrimental for her, she wasn’t learning how to be alone, how to do something on her own initiative, I was always around her, I was always living just for her, instead of giving myself permission to do for me.  It FEELS SOOOOO MUCH BETTER NOW!!  There is so much more balance, we can clean up the plates after eating instead of rushing off to be with her, we can share the work around the house, we can stop, breathe and get grounded before doing anything else. We can lead Zara, we can say, “okay we’re going outside now,” instead of always giving her the choice, because then she was always saying no…there were a lot of control dynamics we’ve been moving through and shifting in our house.
  • Now, we’re teaching Zara about taking turns and not interrupting each other, and waiting. It feels so much better this way, we’re finding the balance, we’re teaching her that Robbin and I are important too, we’re teaching her about how the world works, instead of letting her have her way all the time, when really it was never about her way, it was about Robbin and I not giving ourselves permission to be ourselves and be parents too.  I think I was instrumental in creating this dynamic for our family because after Zara was born, all the repressed pain kept wanting to come up, and I thought I needed to parent from that perspective but since starting to heal, I see that it was just coming up to be released, so we could all be free from living through the pain.

The day after I came back from a healing with Jean at the end of January, where we had discussed how important it was for our family to come back to the middle, how Robbin and I could give ourselves permission to be us and parents and that it was okay to put some boundaries, to say no and to honor ourselves too, Robbin and I breathed deeply.  We felt sooo much better.  We say how well Zara responded to our shift in parenting, how it was so much more beneficial for her, how it was so much more natural, so much less confusing for her.  Then my amazing friend Danya sent me the link below to a parenting article that was exactly about what Robbin and I were starting to do, coming back to a neutral place in parenting that we don’t often see.  May this help you find some balance and middle ground in your home too:)

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052970204740904577196931457473816.html?mod=WSJ_LifeStyle_Lifestyle_5

Things I’ve learned in the past year…I wish they taught this in school

I’ve been meaning to write this list for awhile now.  Sometimes it feels surreal, like how can this actually be my life, how can I actually have shifted this much, how could I have gone from feeling miserable and shut down inside, to feeling this marvelous freedom that is around most of the time, that is actually me?  Is this really what life is like I sometimes ask?  And then I just need to stop, breathe and look at how far I’ve come, what I’ve learned and how anyone can do this too, I am not someone special or extraordinary, I am just me (although there is nothing “just” about me, and I am extraordinary and so are all of us, we just don’t know it and we haven’t been allowed/permitted, by ourselves or society, to know it).

So I’ve been reflective in the past few days, thinking about what has happened, where I am and here are some of my thoughts.  I owe these learnings and these thoughts to my higher self, my higher self who was always there, who was always guiding me, loving me, supporting me, but who was obscured by the shadows of pain and sadness and judgement that were clouding everything.  I also owe these learnings to Jean Brazeau, the healer/coach/guide our family sees, for she has opened my eyes, she has connected me to my higher self, she has coached me to be me, the true me.  I will never have enough words for Jean, so instead, I share her message through this post and spread the love that she is to everyone I see by being my true self, who is also full of love.  Namaste and many blessings to Jean!!  I also owe these learnings to my husband Robbin and my daughter Zara.  They are the lights in my life, they are so beautiful, so amazing, so fun, so perfect.  Robbin is like a rock and he is so funny, such a gentleman, so silly, so grounded, so himself, so adventurous. He loves to cook, he loves me for me and he is my life and soul partner.  I love him beyond words.  And Zara, our beauty girl who just turned 3, she constantly teaches me about the world, shows me what is within me that is holding our family back and pushes me, with her beauty and her true-ness, to seek it out, to release it so we can all be free.  Her intensity, her hilarity, her openness, are all inspiring, are all pure and beautiful.  I am honored to be the third member in our little family.

And now, the learnings:

  • The body can take in what it needs and let the rest pass through.  Jean taught me this.  I was so sick, I couldn’t eat anything, I had a zillion food sensitivities and so did Zara, I had seen a naturopath, was on a crazy restricted diet, got somewhat back to health, only to have it come crashing down.  I had a session with Jean, I took a look at how controlled I’ve always felt, how powerless and how food was entangled in that dynamic.  I took back my power from food during that session with Jean and took back my power from my life, I had given it up years ago and was learning how to get it back.  Bada boom bada bing, I could eat whatever I wanted (please see My Healings, and Food Healing for more details).  Jean told me that we have all lost touch with our bodies so much, that our bodies can innately do so much, if we can let them.  She said I could eat whatever I wanted, my body was healthy, it was just all the shut down parts of me that were holding me back from eating, and once we looked at what was causing the shut down, I was free, I released it, and could eat whatever I wanted and Zara too.  I did that healing 8 months ago and I can still eat whatever I want.  Our bodies can do so much more than we know, we just need to know this, we need to spread the message. Like a cold for instance, it’s actually our bodies’ way of releasing density, energy that is heavy, that is holding us back.  Vomiting is the same, peeing/pooping, all of it, it’s how our body balances itself.  If we can let the body be the body and release the energy and emotions that are holding it back from functioning, then we can let it go and do the work it wants to.  Some awesome books about this are The Journey by Bradon Bays, she heals herself from a basketball size uterine tumor by releasing the emotions that caused the tumor in the first place.  The other one is Living in a Body on a Planet by William Linville, he teaches about the body and it’s innate abilities to heal itself, regenerate and operate at an optimum level.  This is stuff we should teach in schools:)
  • We all have the power, we just need to give ourselves permission to have it, to know it, to live it, to feel it.  I never felt like I had any power in my life, I always wanted to be the best to get love, I always did what my parents told me because I wanted them to love me, I did everything for everyone but me.  Then I started healing with Jean and now I’m seeing how I had given up so much in my life, so much of me, and now my life is going to be dedicated to living my true life, to make decisions for me from the heart, not because I want to make money, not because I think I’m fat, not because everyone else is doing something, not because it is the safe route, none of it.  I am taking back my power, I will eat what I want, I will do what makes me happy, I will love myself and I will spread love wherever I go, I will smile at others because it feels right to me, I will use my voice because that is what it is for, I will not wait for others to speak for me, I will not wait for others to be responsible for me, I will make decisions, knowing that I am loved and supported by God, by the universe, by my higher self, and that I am not as limited by old roles, behaviors, or beliefs or judgements anymore.  I will go for it, it is my life and I will live it dammit!  I just started up a kids dance/yoga/movement class for the parents in my parenting group.  I have no experience doing that, it just felt like the right thing to do and I’m really enjoying it.  I would not have given myself permission to try that, to give it a shot, I would have worried about making money instead (I’ve been on leave since my daughter was born in Feb.2009), or I would have listened to the constant, “I can’t do it, I can’t do this,” in my head.  Now, I’m playing with kids, teaching them with fun movements how to connect to their bodies, teaching them that they are pure love, that the emotions they feel are not them, that they can pull themselves back in, that they don’t need to hide parts of themselves away, that they are beautiful the way they are and then we get to have a crazy, silly time dancing.  So in that way, I can teach them, learn from them, and empower them the way I have been slowly empowering myself with Jean’s help.  A New Earth by Echardt Tolle was also helpful for me in this!
  • It is okay to use my voice.  I always knew I was shy, but I didn’t realize just how much.  I would very rarely speak up for myself.  Since starting this healing journey, I’ve been learning about the importance of saying what I need to say, I’ve blogged about it actually and I hope to do it more and more as I get more opportunities to speak where I would previously have stayed silent.(https://livingmytruelife.com/2012/01/04/finding-my-voice-and-teaching-my-daughter-to-find-hers/).  I’m wanting to make this a priority all the time.  Instead of being too shy about asking if they could warm up my cookie at Starbucks, I am going to ask for it.  If I like it that way and I say it with a smile, why would I not go for it.  If the doctor is touching my daughter in a way that makes her uncomfortable I am going to say something about it.  She has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I have to speak up, to show her that it is okay, that it is her body and that she can honor it, that no one, not even a doctor knows more than her about her own body.  If I don’t like what someone has said to me, I will find a way to say it without anger, but from a calm, neutral place, to let them know what it was I didn’t like.  If I see that someone is trying to intimidate me, I will smile inside, know that what they are saying and how they are acting, is not about me, and then I will say, “it seems as though you are really angry,” and then see how that goes!  I learned about that from both the Celestine Prophecy and How to Talk to Kids so Kids Will Listen and Listen So They Will Talk.  I will honor myself and hold myself from a place of trueness to my heart, from integrity, and if there are times when I do not speak, when my voice is lost, I will observe and see what I can do next time.  I will not keep myself in the corner, lost in silence and suffering, now that I see that life does not need to be that way, I am tired of the old way of life.  Let the love in I say, let me use my voice, let me give myself permission to be me, to speak, to love, to laugh and to lead by example for Zara and for the children of the world who are our future.  Let them see us all reclaiming our power, our voices, before they start to give themselves up to the world like I did, like we likely all did.  Thank you Jean for helping me find my voice in each session and to Robbin who coaches me, and who practices with me when I need to practice what I would say, and to Zara, who inspires me to change my views of myself and the world, she shows me what is possible.

I am going to end this post here.  It feels right.  I know there are more, but those are the biggest points for me, the ones I keep in my heart all the time.  I will forever be grateful to Jean, to Robbin, to Zara and to all the people whom I’ve met in the past year, who have helped me to open up, to push beyond the bull, to be me, to all those who have always accepted me and loved me despite the huge conflict I always had inside.  I am forever grateful and I am so happy to be flying now and spreading my wings and sprinkling pixie dust of hope and possibility and love wherever I go.

Namaste,

Bradlee