Say yes to vulnerability

Say yes to vulnerability.

Say yes to all the ways you thought you shouldn’t be.

Say yes to being honest.

Say yes to admitting you are struggling.

Say yes to choosing love over fear.

Say yes to peace.

Say yes to having your walls knocked down.

Say yes and thank you to the fear  that wants to keep you safe.

Say yes to having your safe-haven opened and exposed.

Say yes to you;

All that is waiting for you is you

and more love than you ever imagined possible.

You are very worthy of saying yes to.

 

-Thanks for reading.  You are worthy.

 

Learning to Life Powerfully

For the last six months, a deeper me has been emerging and I have been witnessing a form of my own death.  I feel like I have been swinging back and forth between this hugely powerful me and this little and small version of myself that is now ready to dissolve and make room for the bigger me.

A lot of my writing lately has been about this swing and this emergence and dissolving and it has been deeply healing for me.  I have been putting so much effort into loving the dissolving parts of me and that has been wonderful and amazing, but lately I have been feeling like I needed to take a different course of action, although I wasn’t sure what it was.

This evening, while I was driving to the grocery store, I felt all of the old emotions coming up, like they were dissolving and healing, and then I felt a greater and deeper part of me say, okay, enough, it’s time to focus on the one who is emerging, and not the one who is dissolving.  And that voice within me told me to start writing blog posts about learning to live from this new power that is emerging within me, instead of what is leaving and dissolving.  It’s almost as if the old that is dissolving is already on it’s way out and it knows it is honoured and loved, or else it wouldn’t be leaving!   Neat, eh?

I sometimes feel shy about allowing the emerging one within me to be fully present in my everyday life and now that I’ve made this choice to focus on it, I’m both nervous and excited because I have a feeling that it will take me under its wing and teach me to shine, lead and roar, more than ever before.

I want to give myself permission to:

  • be a motivator, both for myself and for others
  • speak the truth that my being wants to speak, without always trying to fit in or please others.
  • rally people and bring them together in peace and unity and excitement because it is fun to be alive!
  • dance and sing wherever I go and not be scared of the judgement of others.
  • be the full me that I came here to be, without being shy or wondering if it’s okay to be my full and true self.
  • host workshops for learning how to come home to your heart that would include journalling, chanting and dancing.
  • write more and more and more.
  • know that I am worth it, that I matter and that I am very, very capable.
  • love my self so much and to let that radiate out to others.

I know that I am an empathic person who feels very much and that I don’t always need to focus on every little thing that I feel, but that I can focus on this new power emerging within me and let it do the work of living a life!  It’s funny, because this writing feels so freeing, yet so new; it’s really reinforcing that it’s time for me to focus on the power because I’m not as comfortable with that yet, because I have spent so much time comforting my scared little self.

May we all blossom and emerge in our own time and in our own unique way and may we all complement each other’s openings.  May we all be blessed with the courage to be our amazingly powerful selves!

Oh my dear precious heart

I asked for words to describe what was going on inside of me this morning and the words below are what came to me.  I recognize that although I often wish I had an instruction manual for what is happening inside of me, that the instructions and guidance is all right there, inside of me, just waiting for me to notice.

Namaste,

Bradlee

 

Oh my dear precious heart

Oh my dear precious heart,

I love you.

Help me put words to these feelings,

these sensations of being dragged down into an abyss of despair.

 

I feel the shell cracking open and it is painful.

I know what is waiting for me underneath and

I am doing the best I can in the meantime to

love the one whose shell is cracking,

whose time is up,

the one who is coming up to be loved

before she dissolves back into infinity

to the heart of the universe,

where she can once again merge with the Totality of the One

who is emerging from underneath the shell.

 

Oh dissolving one, I love you.

I feel you in the tightness of my muscles,

in the pathways of fear that you have weaved

through my lymphatic system,

in the cramping around my heart and the

shifting and rewiring in my brain.

 

I feel like my body and I are getting ready for your Exaltation,

the only thing is I don’t know what to do for you or me in the meantime.

 

The pain is so real and I love you.

The exhaustion is so real and I love you.

The tenderness and weakness that comes in waves

is so real and I love you.

The vulnerability that is pressing to be released is very real

and it is who I truly am, a wide open being with a tender loving heart,

who has no secrets, who is unashamed of her feelings

who is compassionate to herself and others, and

who can be authentic

instead of how she is supposed to be.

 

She is emerging and I feel like I am dying.

Oh precious heart, oh precious one who is dying,

I love you both.

 

Please take charge of my death and emergence dear Lord

and please help it to be gentle and full of opportunities for growth for me.

Please continue to guide me from within and without as I

progress through this experience, all while learning how to take better

care of myself, all of me,

all while having a day job, a wonderful family, and a home.

Show me to bow down so very deeply within me and to have the courage

to love and surrender the one who is dying

so that I may emerge

fully as the grace of God in form.

 

Please help me to allow these changes to take place with as much grace and humility as possible.

Please help me to love the one who is dying,

the one who is hanging on to the need to control, to dominate

and to blame.

 

May this experience teach me to love everything in my experience more deeply than ever

before and may my death and rebirth be a gift to all hearts who have and who will be going

through their own version of this experience.

 

May we all allow the light of our souls to emerge fully.

May we all love and nurture the one

we always thought we were,

the one who is dying,

the one who is reuniting with our

One True and Collective Holy Nature.

Dissolving

Introduction

I wrote this poem a few days ago, when I was feeling so much pulling me away from myself and I didn’t know what to do.  I was trying to work at my desk, but it was hard and I felt like I was barely staying above the surface of what I was feeling.  For some reason, I decided to write, and through doing so, a deeper experience of the “pull” came to me and I was freed a few hours later as it sank in.  May these words bring awareness of the pull that is the ego, that is the unconsciousness on the planet, so that you may see how free you already are.  Many blessings to you!

Dissolving

There is a part of me that never needs to be fed by anything
as it is complete, whole and self-nourishing.
However, the part of me that feeds off of drama, junk food,
competition, hate, anger, rage, despair,
overwhelm, panic and sadness
is present.
It is showing me it is present.
It is wanting me to feed it
endlessly
ceaselessly and
without any regard to conscious action.

I see you.
I feel you.
I know your hunger.
I cannot feed you in the way that you want, crave or need.
I am waking up and you are hungry.
I know you will never be satisfied, that you will always crave, reach, pull, grab and hang on.
I don’t know what to do for you, except to be your witness,
the witness to what drives humanity to be inhuman,
the witness to the cause of the suffering of all beings,
the cause of the competition, greed and destruction
that is now ready to be revealed;
ready to be loved
nurtured
witnessed and
dissolved
through compassion, separation and merging with the wholeness within.

May your dissolving be gentle, peaceful and loving.
May I have the courage to be your witness
no matter how fiercely you crave, hunger or hold on.
I love you and I am here,
separating from you
witnessing you
loving you as your journey comes to this point of completion.
Thank you.

May all beings be blessed with the courage
clarity and awareness to separate from the hunger
and merge with the one who never hungers.
May the homecoming of the one who hungers be glorious.

 

Flying free

I wondered recently what happened to us
that we have forgotten
that the freedom to fly
is right here inside of us
ready to be opened wide?
Thank you to the children
for helping me to see
through the eyes of the real me
through the heart
through the beauty within me.
Thank you to the sea gulls
who fly for the pure joy of soaring
and seeing just how far up they can go!
Thank you to the birds
who sing out their songs of love
as loudly as can be
with no regard to trying to sound better than the rest
for knowing that their song is just as
beautiful as it ought to be.
Thank you for all of these beautiful reminders
and for this opportunity to remember
and to truly see
the deeper truth of the real me

The Truth About Santa Claus

I just heard today that there is a movement in the United States to change the words of the classic poem/story, The Night Before Christmas.  There is talk of removing the part:

“the stem of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.”

I can understand that we want the best “model” for our children, but I’m wondering if we should take a closer look at the other parts of our lives and what we “teach” about Santa Claus instead:

  • Lots of people smoke, including the parents of the children who all love and adore Santa Claus….
  • When I think of Santa, I never think of him smoking a pipe, I think of him eating cookies, smiling, laughing, putting presents under the tree, flying through the sky, and loving all the children of the world.
  • If we want to make modifications, let’s first start with the lyrics of Christmas songs, “you’d better not cry, you’d better not shout, you’d better not pout…he knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.”  Why are we using a beautiful holiday season and a jolly beautiful spirit like Santa Claus to program and bribe our children so they’ll be “good”?  What is wrong with crying and yelling sometimes?  We all appreciate a good cry and how great we feel afterwards, and sometimes you need to raise your voice, especially if you are standing up for yourself.  Do we really want to teach our children some more polar opposites like good or bad?  How about we teach them how to be, just be themselves, the perfect beings that they are.  Why not teach them that we will love them no matter how they act, that they are unconditionally and whole-heartedly loved, not just by us, but by Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, by all the beautiful mystical beings who exist as so real and so true in the imaginations of our children.  What happens to us that we can no longer believe….
  • Why not teach children and adults the truth of Santa Claus?   Santa Claus is pure love, pure and simple.  Santa is imaginary or real or both, it is up to you, but just because he is imaginary doesn’t mean that he is any less real.  How many of us remember imaginary friends or guardian angels with us, but then because people told us they can’t possibly be real, we ended up forgetting them.  Is it the same for Santa Claus?  Let’s continue with the magic of Santa, the love that he offers to all of us.  We don’t have to give him up or the love just because we are growing up!  We can keep that love in our hearts, Santa has it for each and every one of us, we just have to believe!  We can add to the beauty of Santa and his love and add some details to the story, like how the parents help him with presents, how he talks to us in our hearts, how we can call on the love of Santa any time we need it, not just in December, that he is the spirit of unconditional love and giving, which lives in all of us, and how we can be like Santa sometimes and drop off gifts and delight in the pleasure of giving, not just receiving.
  • Let’s open up our hearts, let’s not talk about Santa from a place of fear, but from a place of openness and trust and love.  He never has to leave us, so let’s keep his spirit alive within our hearts and continue to believe.  The children always will, it’s only because of the way the Santa story has been spun with all the deception and secrets that lends to such disappointment and feelings of deception.  Why let the magic die?  Let’s keep it alive, that is what life is for, reclaiming the love and magic in all aspects of our lives.

from www.scienceblogs.com

 

I so vividly remember my own Santa disappointment.  I remember how much I held onto the belief that he was real, but it slowly slipped away because there wasn’t any support for Santa living on past children being 12 years old (I really held on!!).  As I’ve been journeying to my heart over this past year and a half, I have come to remember the truth of Santa Claus and so I share it with you in this post.  We can change the way Christmas is taught, not with big changes, but subtle ones, subtle changes to encourage children to believe in what they know is true, just like how innately all children know and remember God, even just at the mention of God (our daughter walks around singing a song she made up, “everyone remembers God.”).  Santa is real, Santa is love, love never dies nor does Santa.  Whether he has a pipe, a big belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly, or a big pack slung over his back, he is real!  He is love, and when you connect to yourself as I have been learning to do (and like we all innately know how to do!!), you see it as an absolute truth, Santa is real, he is always in your heart, loving you and encouraging you.  His biggest gift to you isn’t the presents (although that is fun and he needs our support for that part), it’s the love!!  The LOVE!!

I was talking to a 4 year old girl a month or two ago and she was already getting ready for Santa and that she was excited for him to come.  I remember telling her that she doesn’t even need to wait for Christmas, that she can feel Santa and all his love right in her own heart, and that is where he will always be.  It was very sweet and spontaneous and her eyes lit up and when I was leaving she gave me a big hug and a kiss, right on the lips!!  I hadn’t seen her in nearly a year and it made me realize how very lucky I was and how I was on to something.  Santa is real and he is always with us.  The children know this!!

I was at a healing session one time and there was quiet healing music playing and then all of a sudden, very loud Christmas music started playing.  I remember looking up at Jean (the healer/coach that our family sees) and she said, “wow, how about that,” and some other words about how there were others there with us at the session and I knew it right then and there that it was confirmation for me that Santa was real, Santa and Christmas are real, as real as we want them to be, we just have to believe.  I came from such a place of sadness and disbelief of all love and magic, so for that to happen as I was starting to reclaim the love that I am, that we all are, it was magic, there was no doubt.  From that moment on, I didn’t worry what I told my little girl about Santa, because he was real.  I could tell her my experience with the music turning on, I could tell her that he is love and about giving and sharing love and that we can celebrate that love and giving with the spirit of Santa every Christmas.  So no matter how we tell the story (that he tells us what to buy, etc), it is okay, because he is real and he is love.  Have I mentioned that enough?   Tee hee.

I also read a great book about the magic of Santa and how to keep it alive without ever worrying about disappointing your children: http://www.thesantastory.com/ I recommend for those interested in a deception and worry free Santa experience for themselves and their families!

Love,

Bradlee

A choice

I felt choice-less for so long.  It feels really long, even though it was about 31 years, well no, closer to 32, which is how old I am now.  It’s taken me a year and a half of work with an amazingly loving and beautiful and intuitive energy healer to get to the realization that I have a choice.  Every day, every minute, every second.  I can choose how I want my life to be.  I can choose.  Wow.  I had no idea.  I was living in such a helpless and choice-less place.  In fact, I think it’s pretty awesome that I’m starting to see that I have a choice, that I have a voice I can use, that I have legs that can move my body if I’m not pleased with where I am, and that I have a light inside that I can amplify so that I can bask in my light, in my love and always know that I am safe and loved and cared for.  Even if it had taken me my whole life, it would have been a worthy lesson, a lesson that would have been a huge accomplishment to have learned in one life time.  And now, here I am, every day, remembering that I can choose.

During my last healing session, which I kind of thinking of as a “cutting the cord” healing and a “finding my voice” healing, I remember saying to Jean, “you know, I look forward to the day when I don’t feel guilty or bad about things.”  Tee hee.  Jean looked at me, so intensely, so seriously and she said,” well you know Bradlee, you can wait for that day, or you can choose it now, you really don’t have to wait.”  Hahaha, I think you could have heard the light bulb turning on or the proverbial click, “aha, she got it!!”  It settled into every cell in my body, which was super exciting!  I have a choice!  Wohoo!!

So, a week or so later, I asked my daughter who is 3 if she could feel that I had been worrying about her when we were out at a friend’s house.  She said she could feel it.  I started to feel bad and then I said, “you know Zara, one of these days, I won’t worry about you any more, because you are so capable and so perfect in every way,” and then, I heard it again, the click, this realization, the choice that I had at that exact moment.  WOW!!  I said, “oh my goodness Zara, I have a choice!!  I don’t have to worry about you any more, right now, I can do this!  I don’t have to choose to do this any more!!”  I got really excited and I bolted right up.  I don’t remember if I sang, or danced, or if that was only an internal thing, but it was like a huge weight off of me and off of her.  I felt the difference, I was able to feel the weight of that worry, and I knew it was gone, that I had made a conscious decision to let her be herself, to trust her, to trust her inner knowing, which is so strong, so wise, so powerful.  As I’m healing, I’m learning to trust myself, to stop worrying about myself, so as I am letting go of the need to protect myself, it’s extending to Zara because I was so over-protective of her.  Now I see that I can also choose to let her go, let her be herself and to learn more to trust herself and to learn how capable she is without her mother always there, hovering.  My mom did the same for me, she was always there, protecting me one way or another because that inner need to protect your child is so strong, especially since it stems from all of your own past hurts.  For many reasons I’m now starting to understand (from this life and many past lives), I always felt so unloved, so unsafe, so scared.   If I can free myself and let myself be free, and let myself be me, then Zara will be herself, instead of a shadow of herself, like I always felt like I was.  I was barely there, that’s what it felt like.  May this letting go, may this choice, allow my daughter and I greater freedom, greater independence, greater trust and great love!!

When I was at Jean’s house for that last healing, Jean had turned off the soft music because she had felt like it was distracting me.  We went into this huge boil I had on my inner thigh to find out what was in there and it was my mom’s voice, yelling at me to leave her alone because she was busy and didn’t have time for me then.  I remember being little and even older and kind of hanging around her, looking for love, for play times, for connecting and she would ask me if I needed her to entertain me and she asked me to go do something else.  Whenever she said that, I felt awful inside, it always seemed so cruel, so hurtful, so loud, so scary, I didn’t want to be alone, I was so terrified of being alone, even if it was just by myself to play.  I think we all have that place inside, where we want to scream out, “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”, especially as a mother of young children, who is trying to do everything perfectly, be responsible, to love her kids, to give her kids what she didn’t have, but not having enough time for herself.  I think all moms can relate to that, I have certainly felt it, as well as it’s opposite, “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.”  It can be quite a confusing dynamic to life out in daily life, and as I’m seeing it, how I was stuck in that, I can now appreciate all the confusion I felt!!

During the healing, I had to go inside and find that 3 year old me who had learned that it was better not to speak, better to be seen rather than heard, she who came to think she wasn’t good enough, wasn’t love-able and who was worthless.  I cried alot and then I sent her to the light with her true family.  She didn’t want to leave at first, she was too scared, so Jean helped me to love her and to coach her that she was okay, that she had done her job, that she could go home to the light.  I always love that part, I remember feeling all those little selves my whole life, controlling me, trying to protect me, trying to keep me safe, when really the circumstances had changed and yet, they were limiting me, creating my reality.  So, to find them inside, to hear their messages, to allow myself to feel the pain I was never allowed to feel, to express the emotions that were shoved down (again, we all do these things), and then to send them to the love and light, wow, it is truly transformational and pure and beautiful.    There was another little me in there too, a 6 month old me who was alone in her crib, crying out, feeling unsafe and unloved and wanting protection while my parents were in the hallway fighting.  It’s amazing, I never remember my parents fighting, they were so not the fighting kind (if they had disagreements it was usually non-verbal, but I remember feeling it nonetheless), but there must have been that time very early in my life.  I had absorbed the anger and fear from their argument, the leave me alone, and the please don’t leave me that were cycling back and forth during that argument.  It’s what happens to all children and really to all of us, if we aren’t aware, if we aren’t grounded in our bodies, the energy of the argument comes right in and stays there, even if it isn’t our argument, and then an hour later we have a headache and we don’t know why.  I can think of all those times I felt heavy after being around certain situations and that heaviness now makes sense!!

After experiencing the feelings I had as a 6 month old, we released her to the light too.  Then Jean had me envision a cord between my mom and I, and then she had me cut it.  I saw a picture of us falling apart, and then she quickly said, “okay, now seal it with your love.”  I LOVED that part!  It was so loving, so beautiful, so true, so in respect of the relationship with my mom, it was almost like a way of saying, ‘all that happened, it’s okay, we’re going to live side by side in the love,  not in a crazy mother daughter knot any more, it’s okay, we’re good, I love you mom, thank you for all that you have done for me and thanks for your support as I grow and become my true self.” I really felt nice.  Then I did it with my daughter and I, a shorter version because Jean hadn’t suggested it, but it felt right, to allow for her and I have to that same love, that same space, that same side by side dancing, instead of knotted tangled attempts at life.  Then, the music turned on, just like that and much louder than before when Jean had turned it off.  We both looked at each other, the stereo was on the other side of the room, and we were both silent.  She looked at the clock and it was 12:12pm and she kind of gasped, and she said, “Bradlee, it’s 12:12pm, it’s a number of a huge opening for you (she explained that any double numbers are representatives of openings in a life).”  Then she paused and she said, “Archangel Michael is here, wow, let’s just sit here with our eyes closed and take all of this in.”  I felt radiant and beautiful and then I cried a bit because I felt worthy, I felt loved and protected.  I had experienced this huge opening for my mom, myself and my daughter, a beautiful loving opening and Archangel Michael came to support me and to give me his love and he turned the music on.  I basked in it and felt the possibilities.  I remember crying on and off and I know we talked a bit more afterwards.  Jean had told me, “Bradlee if you don’t believe that you are supported and being cared for after this…” and then I knew, without a doubt, that I was loved, that God was with me, that angels are with me, and that they truly are with all of us, because if they are with me, they are with all of us. I had given up on God, Jesus and angels and all of it, and they keep coming to me to show me they’ve always been there, that I can call on them if I need them and that they are here for me to support and love me.

An aside: Please check out this link if you are interested in a story about how my daughter and I called on Green Tara (a Buddha) and she came to help us!  We are truly supported: https://livingmytruelife.com/2012/06/25/a-visit-from-green-tara/

Wow.  Is there any other word I can write than wow?  Maybe thank you.  Maybe there are no words, but rather I can live my true life, and be grateful that I am here, that I am questioning the old, letting go of the old, and welcoming in my truth and living really and truly from that place.

Before I finish this post, I’d like to add that I’ve always been scared that I have a bad singing voice. It’s always seemed so weak and scared to me. I can think of many times when I have been told that I am not a good singer, or felt like I was no good at singing, etc., so it never really surprised me.  Now that I’m teaching family and kids yoga and singing a lot, I was thinking I would get some voice lessons, to be able to project my voice and find it’s power.  I came home after this healing last Monday and I sang a song for my daughter and there was so much power and volume in my voice, I didn’t recognize it.  I tried it again, there it was, my voice, loud and powerful!!  And it sounded nice!!! By releasing those energies that day, it freed up my voice to the next level, so I could speak up for myself, so that I could find the power within and sing it out.  What a true blessing and gift.  I’m honored, thrilled and very excited to see how I continue to shift and evolve and open as I commit to myself, totally and completely.

With love and much peace,

Bradlee