What if your pain is golden?

What if your pain is calling out to you?

What if your pain is you, trying to get your own attention?

What if your pain represents all parts of you that were deemed unacceptable, unworthy, or wrong?

What if your pain is really just you, trying to come home to you?

 

May we all open our hearts wide to our pain,

to the lost, banished and shamed parts of ourselves,

to the aspects of self who are so desperate to come home that they hurt and we hurt.

 

May we all open our eyes and senses to what our bodies are telling us,

to the messages hidden within the pain

to the longing to stop seeking outside for a resolution and to turn around and find the answers

within ourselves.

 

Like riddles and puzzles our pain calls to us;

it gives us clues to solve the simple mysteries

of coming home to ourselves and uniting

within ourselves.

 

May we all be blessed with the courage to say,

“Pain I love you.

I welcome you.

I honour your mysteries

and I ask you to share with me

so that I may love you as me

and welcome you home into my heart.”

 

As we take these bold steps toward loving everything that

happens in our experience, may all hearts be touched by our

courage,

our bravery

and our deep desire to be in harmony within ourselves and

with life, no matter what circumstances occur.

 

May we rise up as the divine beings we truly are

and embrace our pain as the secret messenger of our

innocence, purity, power and everlasting love.

 

– Written in honour of Matt Kahn’s pure teachings of love

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What our experiences can teach us if we are willing to see it

I think we’ve all heard, “it happened for a reason,” about an experience that we are going through or have gone through.  Sometimes that statement can be so obviously true, or super infuriating if the experience is what we may deem as horrible and painful, and it may lead us to wonder what we have done to “deserve it.”

The guide that I’ve been going to see for nearly two years now to clear out all the old energies, karma, emotions and memories, has been repeating several truths to me and I’m starting to get that our experiences can teach us and show us that which we haven’t wanted to see, if we can allow it and be willing to look deeper.

Last week, I got off the bed in our spare room, stepped onto the floor and a sharp, stabbing pain filled my foot!  I screamed out really loudly and I was scared about what could have caused it. I felt the panic rising in my chest and I was nervous.  I gently took my sock off and there was a small piece of wood sticking out of it.  I’ve had splinters before, but this seemed more like  a shard of wood or something and it frightened me even more.  My husband wasn’t home and I realized I was going to have to deal with it myself, which I rarely have done in my life.  My Dad was always my splinter remover and that job just fell to my husband since he was good at it.  I never questioned it, but just said to myself, “ya, I must go to a man to get my splinter removed.”  Ha, I’m laughing as I type this because that thought was so true.

I hopped over to the bathroom to get some tweezers and I was really starting to feel like a victim by the time I got there.  Despite all the tools I have learned for connecting to myself, breathing deeply, acknowledging the fear and feeling it, I was in panic mode and no tool thoughts were able to enter through the panic I was feeling.  I grabbed the tweezers and yanked it out.  It was still really throbbing and painful and I lay on the bed and tried to come deeper into my body and to send some love to where the pain was. It was only after the piece of wood was out that I was able to start using some tools, but the panic had taken over and it was slower going than if I had connected to myself right away.  That’s okay, it was all part of what I was meant to learn and see.

I limped a fair bit on and off for nearly a week, so I figured that there must be another piece of wood in my foot, which kind of kept me in a slight fear mode for that entire week.  Finally, the day came when I walked and the pain was so excruciating that I knew that there must be more wood in there and that my body had been working so hard to push it closer to the surface for me. I had probed around with the tweezers when I initially took it out but I hadn’t been able to see anything.  So, after feeling that pain at the end of the week, I knew that I would have to break through the skin (yikes!) and pull out the beast!

Robbin (my husband) and I were armed with tweezers, nail clippers and needles to try to get it out, and I was squirming and too scared to let Robbin try to take it out.  I tried myself and I felt a lot of “this is so hard, this is going to hurt, I can’t do this,” thoughts and energies moving through my body, so I stopped and breathed and connected to myself.  I thought then that I could let Robbin do it, but it was like I just couldn’t, so I decided to try it myself again.  It got a little easier and less scary, and then I stopped and realized that the reason why this happened to me was so that I could take back my power from splinters and from my body being hurt and hoping/asking that others take care of me.  I mentioned that to Robbin and I felt much lighter inside.  I was able to really dig out the thick skin (yikes, but this time it was much less of a yikes) and then I was able to grab it. I breathed, got the tweezers ready and I pulled it out.  It was sooooo long and thick, it was crazy!  It was an inch long and a millimetre thick at one end and likely a millimetre and a half at the other end.  I exclaimed out loud about it and then I didn’t want to look at it!  Robbin encouraged me to, to look at it, appreciate what my body had gone through, and what a personal victory I had just achieved in its removal.  I looked at it from that perspective and marvelled at it and I felt so free, so happy, so empowered!  It was the biggest splinter I’d ever seen and I was able to see the lesson it had for me and I was able to free myself from the grip of “help me, I don’t know what to do, I can’t do this by myself.”  Hooray!

I took out the garbage that night and it was really cold and refreshing and I got to the end of the driveway and I looked around and then I was overwhelmingly compelled to run up and down the driveway pumping my arms in the air and yelling, “I did it, yes I did it!”  Tee hee, I don’t think anyone saw me, but if they had, they would have joined me I’m sure!

I hope to keep getting the secret messages that my life’s experiences have to share with me!

Using the love to find calm

I am grateful for much in my life!  So much has happened in the past year and it’s difficult to comprehend sometimes just how different I am.  I am different, but I guess I’m just getting back to who I really am, instead of living from all the fear, guilt, helplessness and everything else that I grew to know as the true me.

It really is super exciting for me to learn about the real me, my true self and to learn about how to live from my heart, from my truth, so that I don’t get caught and lost like I had in the past.  One of my favorite things to do is to breathe into my heart and bring in all the light and love from the sun, from the universe, from my higher self and breathe it down into my body and feel it.  I love feeling my body start to tingle, to recognize that I am connecting to it, that I am in a sense coming home to live here, in my body, instead of being scattered all around.  I really love feeling the calm and the beauty inside when this happens, I am starting to use that feeling as a guide, that when I’m not feeling it, I’d better stop and breathe and come back to me.  I don’t remember every time, but it is getting easier and it makes such a difference!

I had a beautiful opportunity the other day to teach this to a little girl who was distracted, uncomfortable and in pain.  She had just participated in the kids class that I teach called Playing From the Heart: Kids Connect (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com) and we had shared a picnic together and then we were all playing at the park.  She was upset about her hands and her mom was trying to get her to rinse them off in the splash pad because they were full of sand.  She seemed quite agitated and she couldn’t quite hear her mom, she was too upset about it all.  The girl was close to me so I asked her if she had a “bobo” on her hand because that would be quite uncomfortable with sand in it.  She stopped and looked at me and was calm for a moment, then they went back to trying to rinse it off.  She ran away.  When she came back, she was standing right in front of me.  I asked her if she could pretend like she was holding a fruit in her hand like we did in the class (for more information about the fruit meditation we did, please check out my other website at the following link!: http://playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com/2012/07/22/using-the-fruit-meditation-at-home/).

from: http://www.thelivingvision.com/blog/?m=200808

She cupped her hands around the imaginary fruit.  I let her know that all the love she sent to the fruit, she could now send to her hands to bring the love and calm to her hands so she could feel more comfortable.  She seemed ready to do it, so I asked her if I could help her too and she agreed.  So she held her hands together and I put mine around hers without touching them.  I closed my eyes and sent all my love to my hands and then out to her hands. I could totally feel it going out and over to her hands, it was super awesome, super loving, super beautiful.  I opened my eyes and asked her if she could feel that and she had an interesting look on her face, so I kept doing it and then I knew it was time to stop, so I did.  Her mom was right there and I explained to her that we were doing the fruit meditation and sending the love to our hands to ease her daughter’s discomfort.  I looked at her daughter and asked her again if she felt better, if she had felt the love and she loudly breathed out and she had these huge shivers, and she did that a couple of times.  It was super cool, she looked so calm, so incredulous and so happy all at once.  It was such a gift for me to be able to offer that to her because in the past, I have been so closed off and so scared of uncomfortable situations.   She stood around me for a minute and then it was time for her to go and she left.  I was sitting there smiling so much, so excited to be in a place where I can pass on these tools that I have had to learn for myself to be comfortable again.

Thank you to that little girl for that beautiful opportunity!

Ear piercing with a three year old

Our daughter Zara first told me she wanted her ears pierced the week before she turned 3.  I wanted to oblige, but part of me was worrying that it would hurt, that she would tug on them, be uncomfortable, or be super upset.  I remember when she asked me this past February and all of that flashed through my mind, and then I said that there wasn’t much time to get it done before her birthday in a few days.  I see now that I don’t think I was ready!!  Tee hee!   I am so grateful that I’m really starting to see when I put all of my life experiences on Zara, when they really don’t apply at all.

A few weeks ago, she said, “I want to get my ears pierced.”  I had somewhat forgotten about it and I said, “okay, do you want to go today?” and she jumped off the couch and was ready to go.  I had stopped in at the mall a few weeks before and had talked to them about the process, so I explained it to her, I said, “they’ll put a device next to your ears, you will hear a loud clicking sound next to your ears, and you might feel some pain, and then you’ll have earrings.”  I asked her if she would be okay with that and she said she was ready to go.  So I suggested that she tell her body that she wanted earrings and that it was going to be okay and that it might hurt but that it could just heal quickly. I figured that if she communicated her intent to her body, it might not be as much of a shock to the body.  So out loud she said, “okay body, I want earrings, so I’m going to get them, it might hurt but you can just heal.”  My heart was really happy, I was thinking that was really going to help…I remember my terror even at 15 or 16 at getting my ears pierced, I remember how it hurt for days, but then I didn’t know that I could work with my body, I didn’t realize that the terror I was feeling would prevent my body from doing what it sooo knows how to do, regenerate and heal.

So back to Zara’s story. I explained that there were two stores at the mall and that she could choose. I told her the names and she chose one based on the name.  I told her we could see both stores when we got to the mall so she could get a sense of the energy of the stores first since she feels energy so much.  She still chose Ardene so we went in.  The music was blaring and to me it felt kind of frenetic in there. I saw her get caught in it, just like I did, so I told her to take her power back from the store and know that this is where she wants to be.  I saw her adjust a bit and settle in.  I learned that trick from Jean Brazeau, our family’s healer/coach guide.  It worked like a charm.  I made sure we found out the person’s name who was going to be piercing Zara’s ears and we talked with her a bit to get more comfortable. She was awesome, she was explaining everything to Zara, and Zara got a chance to pick the earrings she wanted.  She was getting ready to do it when one of her colleagues came over so they could both do it at the same time so that Zara didn’t have to have one ear done and then the other.  The second girl seemed really nervous and pent up, so I tried to send love her way to help her settle so she wouldn’t necessarily send any of that energy over Zara’s way.  They got ready and they went for it.  I could see the look of shock come over Zara’s face, there really isn’t any way to prepare for that I don’t think!  She seemed okay with it, but one of the backs of the earrings didn’t go on properly and the girl was panicking about it.  I looked at Zara and I said, “it hurts, eh?” and she nodded, and I told her it was okay, her body was going to heal and that if she wanted to cry she could.  She didn’t quite yet, because the girl was still fumbling a bit to get the back of the earring on.  I reassured her and we looked at it together and it was on, but not a ton and I told her it was just fine that it would hold and that she could relax, it was okay!  It was funny, she seemed more upset than Zara, she was just trying to make it a good experience for her, it was really sweet.  So then Zara’s eyes filled up with tears, so I scooped her up and I said, “it’s okay, cry if you want, does it hurt more than you expected?” and she nodded and cried.  Everyone in the store was looking so I told her, “see, they all know what it feels like, they remember the shock and they’re sending you some love,” and I think it helped.  So we went out of the store while her dad Robbin paid and I congratulated her because she had done it, she made a decision and she went for it.  She calmed down some and then asked me to put her down and we ran to find a mirror so she could peek.  Once she saw them, she was totally fine, she was running around the mall screaming with delight about her new earrings.  I saw there and then that preparation is helpful and so is the attitude towards the body and it’s abilities.  Zara never once complained about her ears, we never put any alcohol on them and they’ve been fine ever since.  And she’s seemingly much more empowered about her ability to handle painful situations and recover from them, that it’s okay to cry and then move on.  She doesn’t play the victim role like I did when I was little (and did up to a year or so ago!!), so she didn’t need to really experience the pain to get attention or anything.  It’s brilliant, she’s brilliant.  She shows me what’s possible every day!

So I say, let’s empower our kids, let’s explain things to them, let’s give them some options, let’s teach them, let’s guide them and let’s let them flourish and grow and discover their power as they grow and go out in the world.

before ear piercing!
After ear piercing! And she is wearing my new bathing suit top, which was almost as exciting as the ear piercing!

Where do you live from?

Have you ever stopped to wonder where you live from?

Do you live from a place of:

  • leave me the f&*k alone
  • f&*k you
  • you can’t control me
  • who do you think you are
  • please love me, please see me
  • why even bother
  • I’m not worthy
  • I’m useless
  • I can’t do this any more?

I used to and I know I still kind of do, not consciously, but there is definitely an energy within me that is about all of these things.

Do you ever wonder why the same sh&t keeps happening over and over?  Do you wonder why you are attracting it?  There is so much about energy that I am just learning.  Because I’ve had all of these energies in my body, from upsetting childhood experiences, for example, those energies have been unconsciously influencing my life.  I am learning that all of those thoughts, emotions and energies are not me, I am so much more, I am full of love in my heart, in my core.  We all are.

What we all are in our hearts, in our core (from wallpaperdisk.com

I’ve had the brilliant opportunities to see how limiting those energies have been for me, for my daughter (because she feels them and responds to them), for my relationship with my husband, in my past jobs, etc. because of the healing work I’ve done with Jean Brazeau.  I’ve learned how and where those energies came from (from my parents, from the world, from my family, from my hurt 3 year old self, from past lives) and I’ve worked with Jean to get to the core of them, to release them, so that I can be me, Bradlee, pure and simple.  The freedom I now have in my heart because of these releases is indescribable, it is pure bliss, it is brilliant, it is like the wind is always blowing and I’m a huge tall ship and I never have to worry about adjusting my sails, it’s like the glass is always full, it’s like I could dance in bare feet on hot sand and still look graceful, it’s like I’m a pastry chef even though I don’t have all the tools, it’s like my body is finally just my body, it is beautiful and it just is the way it is, it’s like I’m finally me, all of me, not all of that list expressing itself through me, trying to fool me into thinking it was the real me.

So the next time:

  • you want to hide from the world, from your family, from yourself
  • someone asks you if you need help and you say no, it’s okay and try to manage by yourself and you struggle
  • you wonder why life is so hard
  • you push someone away or you avoid their eyes
  • feel so alone even though there are people around
  • say hurtful things because you are really hurting inside

take a breath and know that none of it is you. You are gold, you are beautiful.  Breathe and let it pass through and know that if you want, you can get to the core and release those feelings, because that’s all they are, it’s not you.  There are so many ways to get to the core, to find the peace, to get the release, to get to know you again, all of you, all the parts of you that you were taught weren’t good enough for the world, and you will actually know that you are perfect the way you are, that you never did anything wrong.  I am choosing me, not the sh*t, not the energy, not the withdrawing from the world, I choose me, for me, for my family, for the world, so we can all see we are beautiful and that freedom from all we thought was us, is possible.  I am working with Jean, you may choose another format, whatever works for you.  My husband Robbin works with Jean and has now become a Reconnective healer, which is a different way of accessing the truth.  Find what works for you, get to know you.  You are ridiculously worth it.  And then you can live from the love.  I’m there and I’m going all the way to the pure love, may you go there too.

 

Forgiving myself

I just realized last night that I need to forgive myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I have done some things, felt some emotions, etc, etc, etc on this parenting journey that I am not proud of.  However, had they not all happened, I would not have been driven to learn about healing, about letting go of emotions, knowing they aren’t me and moving on as my true self, no longer a prisoner to past patterns, roles and behaviors and thought patterns.

The other day I wrote a post about not letting my thoughts take over.  Eventually I’ll learn how to put a link in here to link back to previous posts!!  Anyway….!  I had these painful memories come up about how I had handled situations in the past with our amazing daughter Zara whom I love infinitely.  I was pleased because those memories came up and I wasn’t plagued by the pain and sorrow and all the other emotions that were behind my reactions and decisions back then.  However, it hit me last night that the reason why those memories were coming up was because I needed to forgive myself.  I needed to acknowledge that they happened, that I did the best I could at the time, that my past had led me to feelings those feelings and that it is amazing that I am here finally, in a beautiful mostly neutral place full of love, for which I will forever be grateful.  So, I felt the memories come up again last night and I said, ohhhhhh, that’s why you are here.  I realized that I needed to get it out, the depth of my sorrow about how I behaved, the huge apology I had inside for my behavior.  I went upstairs, lay in the bed, and I connected with my daughter, how she must have felt at the time, how I felt at the time and I cried.  I let the emotions come. I sobbed and cried, I said I was sorry to myself and to Zara and then a few minutes later, I felt like I was done.  I may not have gotten to the super core of it but it felt great and then my body started tingling all over, it was healing from the pain I had felt and it was glowing and showing me that it provided me with those memories so I could get them out and make more room for the love that I am now.  Amazing, isn’t it?  If this was taught in schools, no one would have cancer or depression or any of it, we’d just be in tune with our bodies and our emotions and we would never be shut down.

I love Zara.  I love me.  I love us all.  I forgive me and I will probably have to keep doing this, finding the love for me, as I heal and open, heal and open.  And that’s okay with me.  I can’t expect anyone to forgive me if I haven’t forgiven myself.  In fact, I think that forgiveness just happens, I don’t think it’s something you can ask for, it just has to happen naturally, through healing, through letting go and seeing the situation for what it was, being stuck and learning now that it had to happen that way as we all try to find our true selves.

I’ve thought about apologizing to everyone I’ve ever met lately, for all the times in my earlier life when I pushed them away, judged them or shut them out, all of it.  And then I realized that I am me now, and that I am full of love and I think that the best thing I can do is love me and when I am around them or corresponding with them, I will be the love that I am and I will heal anything that happened between us in the past.  Plus, I didn’t really do anything wrong, I was just me, bubbly me who was sad inside, and now I’m bubbly me who is feeling the love in her heart and is knowing that the stuff inside isn’t really me and that it doesn’t have power over me anymore.

Tee hee, as an aside, it’s 5:30am and I’m slightly awake while typing this!  I was sleeping with Zara last night and then she said, let’s go sleep with Daddy, so all three of us were in the bed and I didn’t have any room and Robbin didn’t have any blankets.  Tee hee, I love my life.  Hence my deep thoughts early in the morning!

Much love to you all.