I think we’ve all heard, “it happened for a reason,” about an experience that we are going through or have gone through. Sometimes that statement can be so obviously true, or super infuriating if the experience is what we may deem as horrible and painful, and it may lead us to wonder what we have done to “deserve it.”
The guide that I’ve been going to see for nearly two years now to clear out all the old energies, karma, emotions and memories, has been repeating several truths to me and I’m starting to get that our experiences can teach us and show us that which we haven’t wanted to see, if we can allow it and be willing to look deeper.
Last week, I got off the bed in our spare room, stepped onto the floor and a sharp, stabbing pain filled my foot! I screamed out really loudly and I was scared about what could have caused it. I felt the panic rising in my chest and I was nervous. I gently took my sock off and there was a small piece of wood sticking out of it. I’ve had splinters before, but this seemed more like a shard of wood or something and it frightened me even more. My husband wasn’t home and I realized I was going to have to deal with it myself, which I rarely have done in my life. My Dad was always my splinter remover and that job just fell to my husband since he was good at it. I never questioned it, but just said to myself, “ya, I must go to a man to get my splinter removed.” Ha, I’m laughing as I type this because that thought was so true.
I hopped over to the bathroom to get some tweezers and I was really starting to feel like a victim by the time I got there. Despite all the tools I have learned for connecting to myself, breathing deeply, acknowledging the fear and feeling it, I was in panic mode and no tool thoughts were able to enter through the panic I was feeling. I grabbed the tweezers and yanked it out. It was still really throbbing and painful and I lay on the bed and tried to come deeper into my body and to send some love to where the pain was. It was only after the piece of wood was out that I was able to start using some tools, but the panic had taken over and it was slower going than if I had connected to myself right away. That’s okay, it was all part of what I was meant to learn and see.
I limped a fair bit on and off for nearly a week, so I figured that there must be another piece of wood in my foot, which kind of kept me in a slight fear mode for that entire week. Finally, the day came when I walked and the pain was so excruciating that I knew that there must be more wood in there and that my body had been working so hard to push it closer to the surface for me. I had probed around with the tweezers when I initially took it out but I hadn’t been able to see anything. So, after feeling that pain at the end of the week, I knew that I would have to break through the skin (yikes!) and pull out the beast!
Robbin (my husband) and I were armed with tweezers, nail clippers and needles to try to get it out, and I was squirming and too scared to let Robbin try to take it out. I tried myself and I felt a lot of “this is so hard, this is going to hurt, I can’t do this,” thoughts and energies moving through my body, so I stopped and breathed and connected to myself. I thought then that I could let Robbin do it, but it was like I just couldn’t, so I decided to try it myself again. It got a little easier and less scary, and then I stopped and realized that the reason why this happened to me was so that I could take back my power from splinters and from my body being hurt and hoping/asking that others take care of me. I mentioned that to Robbin and I felt much lighter inside. I was able to really dig out the thick skin (yikes, but this time it was much less of a yikes) and then I was able to grab it. I breathed, got the tweezers ready and I pulled it out. It was sooooo long and thick, it was crazy! It was an inch long and a millimetre thick at one end and likely a millimetre and a half at the other end. I exclaimed out loud about it and then I didn’t want to look at it! Robbin encouraged me to, to look at it, appreciate what my body had gone through, and what a personal victory I had just achieved in its removal. I looked at it from that perspective and marvelled at it and I felt so free, so happy, so empowered! It was the biggest splinter I’d ever seen and I was able to see the lesson it had for me and I was able to free myself from the grip of “help me, I don’t know what to do, I can’t do this by myself.” Hooray!
I took out the garbage that night and it was really cold and refreshing and I got to the end of the driveway and I looked around and then I was overwhelmingly compelled to run up and down the driveway pumping my arms in the air and yelling, “I did it, yes I did it!” Tee hee, I don’t think anyone saw me, but if they had, they would have joined me I’m sure!
I hope to keep getting the secret messages that my life’s experiences have to share with me!
I am fresh from a wonderful healing session where I got down deep into the rejection fears I have had in this life, which have often left me in a serious protection/hiding mode. I admitted that it is so hard even now to call someone to find out if they want to get together and it was so funny to hear those words coming out of my mouth, words that do not even make any sense any longer with where I have been going, to the light, to the love. I have found that the more I go inside, to the deeper places that have haunted me so terribly, the more I realize that those fears, emotions and memories were never who I was in the first place. I’m finding it less scary and intimidating to face what I have previously repressed and shut down, because I know now that they are not real, that they are just there to show me how I covered my true self up, and that I’m still there under them, waiting to come out to shine again.
The healer and guide that I see was encouraging me to put myself in an imaginary coliseum of sorts, where everyone who has ever rejected me can come rushing out at me, ready to hurt me again (the idea behind this is that you totally surrender to the emotion and let it have you so you can be free from it, I’ve done this in other sessions with remarkable success!!). She was asking me to call out their names as they were coming towards me and it was amazing because she was calling out some names too of people I hadn’t even really considered as rejecting me, but from this fresh perspective, I could see how terrified I had been of what they may have said to me. It was a wonderful experience, feeling them all come, and knowing deep down now that no matter what happens to me, what any one says to me to try to hurt me, it will truly not affect me. I felt them rushing at me, but it was like they were melting by the time they got close to me, I was just a bright light that nothing could extinguish. I said that out loud and she helped me to see that all the work we had done together in that session leading up to that had already dissolved the power that I had given other people, the power to hurt me, so I was free and she had wanted me to feel that with that exercise. It was truly awe inspiring to be free of that, after so many memories of being terrified of being pushed away, of not being good enough, like there was something so wrong with me that people wouldn’t want me around.
Jean, the guide, was encouraging me to let in the light, to fill in all the places that the rejection had taken up in my body and in my heart, and to shine as me even brighter. As she was saying that, she stroked my hair at the top of my forehead, so gently, so tenderly, to love me and encourage me. It was the most tender and beautiful touch I had ever experienced at that moment and it made me so incredibly glad for the journey I have gone on in my life, so that I could step in to myself and be my true self and love my daughter the way I want to, without all the internal suffering going on that was limiting how I could be her parent. It made me remember all the times I have touched my own daughter like that, and all the yearnings I felt as a child to be held super close and stroked gently. I know I must have been held that way, but the memories must have been buried under the rejection fears I had. So, I said to Jean, “I’m so happy that Zara (my daughter) will remember and know what it feels like to be touched this way,” and I was crying as I was saying it and Jean said, “Zara will know who her mother really is.” I stopped, smiled and knew it as a truth, that Zara will know me not as being the emotions that used to run my life, but she will know me as me, as the love that I am (that we all are at our core, but we all get buried up and covered up by life, unless we are supported in staying as the love and learning how to be in the world without becoming the world). That is what I appreciate and value the most about Jean’s teachings, it’s not that we are all different, it’s not that we are the emotions and life situations and roles and beliefs and thoughts that we think we are, it’s really that we are all the same, we are all love, and we all have the abilities to shine and to genuinely love ourselves, know ourselves and honor ourselves, and from there, life becomes more fun, easier and so much more free, caring and loving.
Here is what I’ve learned about who I am and what my daughter has seen me move through in the past 20 months of healing sessions:
I am the light. Any thought, emotion, memory I have that is not loving or kind, is not who I am
I can help my body heal and regenerate physically as I let go of the stuff hidden inside (I have gone through some remarkable physical changes, that is for another post:)
There is an incredible and beautiful essence in my body and it lights up my body, it is my soul, my light, my love and that is my truth, it is me and I can feel it coursing through my body and I can use that feeling to connect with myself any time I feel lost in thoughts, in emotions or lost and scattered out in the world.
I can connect to myself and feel my light and amplify it around my body and throughout a room and cause a shift in the energy around me because I’m expanding the love I have inside around me so that I walk in light (and others experience it too) and not have to take on the panic, anger and despair that might be hanging around at the grocery store or otherwise.
I am learning that I love working with families to help them connect to themselves through creative movement, yoga, songs, games, crafts, stories and more, and that my heart sings when I am in a room full of children who learn that they can shift the energy in a room just by putting their hands on their hearts and feeling it beating and learning how to connect to themselves! (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com is where I describe more about the classes, and the training I’ve had and the tools I use, etc!)
I am not alone and I never was (none of us are). I can ask the universe and angels for help and I will receive it (and she does the same, honestly, to be at this place where I can feel scared and ask an angel to help me and actually feel the difference, the peace in my body, it is such a blessing after feeling for 32 years that I was completely alone in this world and so lost).
I’m sure the list can go on, but it would be more like, here are things I used to think about myself and now I don’t and I think that is a whole other post. If there was a self defeating thought or belief out there, I definitely had it, held onto it and made it who I was. I was a victim to everything, it was a role I am very familiar with and may even have won an Oscar for:)
I am so grateful for the opportunity to turn my life around and to live from my heart instead of despair. May we all get the chance to know ourselves as we really as and watch the magic unfold as we get to experience life, not through the eyes of the hurt, but from the love, and from the possibilities, and may we all remember that we are all the same, beautiful souls on different journeys, giving each other the different experiences we couldn’t experience unless we were here on Earth, ready for the ride.
I went to a conference day with Gregg Braden last weekend with my husband Robbin. This was really significant in my life for many reasons:
Gregg Braden is amazing (http://www.greggbraden.com/)! He opened up my heart even further through his messages, his words of encouragement, his explanations of how the world is transforming and how we can connect to our hearts to support our planet and all of us with the love that we have inside,
I actually left our daughter Zara for the whole day with someone other than Robbin. This is huge for me, I have overcome some super deep and strong abandonment fears that were keeping me locked up tight, that were preventing me from leaving Zara for more than 2 hours without huge panic setting in. I have worked with an energy healer (world miracle worker!) Jean Brazeau and I have released so much of the energy and fears inside that were keeping me prisoner.
My mom came up for the weekend from Montreal (we live in Ottawa) and we had a fantastic time together. I love my mom dearly and I was so pleased that she was able to come (for the first time since Zara was really little) to spend time with us. It was also huge because I was able to be pretty open and loving with my mom, because I’ve moved through so much of the energy that was keeping me in a game of blame and lack of control with my mom.
I wanted to share what I took away from the Gregg Braden conference because it was so profound. He shared a song with us from Shawn Gallaway called I Choose Love. I have posted the link here for you to view:
It has become my new anthem, I sing it constantly in my head, to remind me that I have a choice. I feel like that is what my life has come to, knowing that I have choices, that I am the Creator of my own life, my own experiences, my own thoughts, all of it. I get to choose. This song is exactly what I need to be reminded of that choice, when the emotions come up so strongly and they are threatening to pull me under, to the darkness, to where I no longer want to live… I have lived that way, I don’t want to go back there. This song allowed me enough time today when I felt a huge surge of anger coming up (that really was not justified at all), to choose love, to feel the anger, but to choose love and to walk away, to deny that anger the power it wanted to have over me. I know that I will have to look at that anger because it is there but I don’t want it to take me over so that I am it’s prisoner, saying things and throwing the things that it wants me to. I am choosing love. Shawn Gallaway wrote this song two days after the twin towers were blown apart by airplanes in 2001. He felt so moved to share with the world even during that confusing time, that we all had the choice then, to respond to a huge crisis with love. We all knew what would happen if there was retaliation, more heartache, more deaths, more tears, more anger, but if we could choose to live from the love we all have within, the world could change, there wouldn’t be that anger that drives us to hurt others (physically or emotionally) not when we live from the love.
When you truly connect to your heart, there is only love, there is no anger, no hurt, no aggression, no pain. Gregg showed it to us at the conference using technology from HeartMath: http://www.heartmath.org/. The technology they have developed helps people to know when they are truly connected to their heart, to their love. The heart has an electromagnetic field around it, within it and it has the same frequency as one of the electromagnetic fields of the earth’s atmosphere. HeartMath is demonstrating, through their science and technology, that when we connect to our hearts, we can influence the electromagnetic field of the earth’s atmosphere. This was first discovered after 9/11, the weather satellite data showed a huge spike in the electromagnetic field of the planet and the scientists didn’t understand why that was. When they looked at the date and time of the spikes, they correlated directly with September 11, 2001 at 9:15am, which they postulated was about the time it took until the first plane hit and for the media to spread it around the world. The whole world connected to their hearts during that time and as a planet, we changed the electromagnetic field of one of the layers of the atmosphere. There is now an initiative started by HeartMath and Princeton, called the Global Coherence Initiative (GCI) (http://www.glcoherence.org/), which has the purpose of “uniting people in heart-focused care and intention, to facilitate the shift in global consciousness from instability and discord to balance, cooperation and enduring peace.” It all comes back to how powerful we each are when we live from a place of love, not from fear. It’s really about what you choose. As a planet, if more and more of us can choose love, it will make it easier for other to choose love, for our leaders to make the same choices from love, to see what is truly possible for our planet, for all of us. If we can each connect to our hearts, not only will our individual lives be easier, but those of our children, our families, our neighbors, our fellow city-members, province-members, country-members, and it expands out, just as our love does from our heart. If you are at all skeptical, you will find all you need on the HeartMath and GCI websites, including tools and scientific devices to measure your coherence with your heart. It was beautiful to be in the room with Gregg Braden as he played the song I Choose Love and to feel the love and the hope of possibility in that room. It was powerful to see the HeartMath technology measure the heart coherence (the coherence is a level between 1-100 of how connected you are to the heart through hertz, which is the measurement of the electromagnetic field) of our room and the participants in it and for us to see it out of coherence and then to see it at 100% coherence after all 400 of us closed our eyes, touch our chests right where the heart is and think of care, gratitude and appreciation. That was it, physical touch, and thinking of care, appreciation and gratitude. It seems really simple and it is, and we can all do it. We can all have that impact on our own lives and those of our fellow earthlings!!
Robbin, Zara and I are going to become members of the GCI and we will learn the tools to connect to the heart (in the event there are more we don’t know) and we will log on to their system and send out of love when others in the world are logged on too, to unite in care and love, to send love to parts of the world that are currently in crisis and that would benefit from some extra love and heart coherence. It truly is beautiful. You want to change your life and the world? Here is an actual tool!!! Use it. I know we will. I know I will use it to teach my kids class, Playing From the Heart: Kids Connect, where I teach kids about love and how powerful they are and how they can find peace whenever they need to, within themselves. I love it. I love it because I was so sad and so desperate at so many points in my life and I now know that life doesn’t need to be like that. I can choose love. I can choose to connect to my heart and feel the love. Beautiful. Let’s support each other and grow in love, life doesn’t have to be this hard, our world doesn’t need to be full of war, our children can lead the way and we can hold them and love them and let them be the love instead of shutting it down. Yes, I choose love. What will you choose?
I’ll finish this post with a quote from Gregg Braden, okay it won’t be a quote but it will be slightly paraphrased!!
“Our world is transforming and in the new world age that we will soon begin, the question will not be ‘what can I get from the world?’, it will be ‘what can I do for the world that is emerging?” I loved that. It’s about sharing the love and not living from that place where everyone owes you because you are a victim, but switching the perspective to thinking of what you can contribute to the world, and from that place, abundance will be yours, through love and giving and gratitude.
I was reflecting on my journey a few days ago… By December 2010 I was devastated. I was a mother and wife trying to do the best I could, but all the sadness that was inside me was holding me back, was screaming at me, and was making me physically really sick. It was such a powerful force, but I had to finally face it and be free. I read a quote today, that pretty much summed it up for me:
“There is no coming to consciousness without pain. People will do anything, no matter how absurd, in order to avoid facing their own Soul. One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.” Carl Jung
That quote is what happened to me. I was doing the best I could in my life, but it was from a place of unconsciousness, and the darkness and the lack of consciousness was running the show, and I had no idea. I was trying to be me, loving and caring, and be all that I felt like I never had while growing up, but it was all reactive. It was all from a place of “I need to do things differently so Zara doesn’t feel the same pain I have felt while growing up.” That’s a dangerous place to live from, trying to pretend like the darkness isn’t real, like I can just avoid it, keep it down. A reactive way of living kept me safe on the surface, so I was hiding from what truly happened in my past so that it didn’t happen again, instead of acknowledging it, releasing it and moving on to live from a balanced place.
I had to get physically ill. I had to watch my daughter (who was only 1 and a half when the sickness started) come along with me, dragged under by the power of the darkness that I had suppressed, but that was coming up to be acknowledged and released, so that:
I could re-awaken,
I could live consciously, within my own power and light,
our family could be free,
each one of us could be emotionally free from each other and we as a family could “walk” side by side, instead of being all tangled up and dragging each other behind.
The biggest step for me was going to see a naturopath (www.dragonflynaturopathy.com) when I was at my worst physically (and our daughter too) and she said, “I’ll help you get physically healthy, but you need to get emotionally healthy, because it is the root of all of this.” Wow, I was astounded. I had told her about some of my life experiences and she helped me to see that any time I had a traumatic experience my body reacted with a disease or illness shortly afterward. For example, I had known deep down that I didn’t get my period for a whole year because I was playing competitive basketball in college when I really didn’t want to. Or when I was 15, I became lactose intolerant a few months after breaking my tail bone; I was in a lot of pain, I didn’t feel like my parents acknowledged the terrible pain I was in but instead sent me to a physiotherapist who massaged my tail bone from the inside, I was feeling horrible and molested, and for some reason, I never told my parents how horrible it was for me to go there or what they were doing to me.
With the amazing guidance of our naturopath, I realized what must be inside of me and how it needed to get out so I could be free. She encouraged me to read the book The Journey by Brandon Bays (http://www.thejourney.com/) and it changed my life. I read it and I learned about how you can heal your body by getting to the emotional core of what is in the body, that is causing the illness/disease/symptom and then release it by allowing yourself to feel the emotions that were suppressed way back then. It was fascinating and my heart sang. Every cell in my body knew it was truth. I found a Journey practitioner here in Ottawa (Jean Brazeau) and now I am different, now I am me, I am finally Bradlee, and I feel so much lighter, so much more capable and free. Wow. If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ve likely started to get a sense of the wonder I feel, realizing that all that sh*t was never me. This is me! And I really like me! I didn’t like living in the sadness, but I do like this and I welcome the next emotion and memory that wants to come up now because I’m like, “yes, let’s get it out so there is more room for me in here!!”
Back to the subject of this blog post though, how my heart won over my mind… I vividly remember my food healing with Jean Brazeau (please see My Healings, My food healing), where she helped me get to the core of the darkness that had me and my family in its grip. This post is not about how that healing allowed me to reclaim my body and my power over food, but that there was much more to the work to follow than I ever could have anticipated, to get to the freedom that truly each one of us is capable of, the freedom that exists as we connect to our hearts and calm our mind to be our friend instead of our controller.
After that session, I remember crying deeply at home while our daughter was napping, as a release, as a letting go of how responsible and guilty I felt that Zara had to be dragged along with me through the despair of all the food sensitivities, of my weight loss, of the helplessness, of the lack of sleep, of the pain of trying to be me, but being strangled from the inside. I let it all out and it felt so much better. Then I was left knowing that I could for the first time in my life, eat whatever I wanted. That I could eat dairy again, that it would be okay. It was a new concept to me, and I embraced it. I knew it in my bones, that I was healed, that Zara was healed, that we had lived through a miracle. So I set out with Zara to eat healthily but to enjoy food! What I didn’t expect was the sabotage from my mind, from the ego, that wasn’t going to let go without a huge fight. I had learned about the ego in psychology class in university, but I was to actually experience it and to move beyond it in real life, instead of from a text book! It was my real education and thank goodness there were resources and references!!
Since Zara could crawl, she would take A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle off the book shelf and give it to me. I had bought it a few years ago, but I hadn’t been ready to read it. A few days after my food healing in June 2011, she walked over, picked it up and gave it to me. She was not quite 2 and a half. I finally said, “oh, she’s been wanting me to read it all along,” so I started my real education about the ego.
I just want to add an aside before I continue. I’m learning that our daughter is very gifted and that there are many children like her. I have met many crystal children now like Zara and they constantly astound and amaze me. These children were born to change the world, to show us the truth, to shine, to highlight the way of love and to not be controlled (unlike so many of us, including me, I was so controlled by everything). Zara is a crystal child and she has always had a strong knowledge and sense of energy; she always chooses the deepest, most profound books from our book shelf; she has told me before, “Mommy, you are stuck in your head, you need to be right here (and she’s pointed to my chest),” and she has, on many occasions, read my mind and read the energy that is in my body that is coming up to be released. I can give you tons of examples, but it will be up to you whether you choose to believe it or not. Maybe you’ll just need to meet a child like this to fully understand…and there are more of Zara’s examples in the rest of this post too:)
Back to A New Earth. I started to read it and it opened up my eyes to how powerful the ego is. How it does not like change, how it can create illnesses to give itself a new identity, and how it is so used to having full power over us. The ego is the source of all unconsciousness and it will not give up easily as we open to conscious living. For example, I knew I could eat whatever I wanted after that food healing, but 4 days afterwards, Zara looked at me and she said, “Mommy, the food is bouncing around in your belly, you need to let it pass through.” I remember being in shock, first of all, how did she know that and second of all, why was it stuck, I thought I was letting it pass through, that I had healed myself. So I asked her why it was bouncing and what I could do about it (Jean has coached us to ask Zara questions, despite her young age, because she is quite wise, like all kids, and she will often be able to guide us). Zara recommended that I take deep breaths and bend over each time and touch my toes. So I tried it, and I did it a few times and she said, “okay Mommy, it’s fine now.” It was a very confusing time for me. I was letting go of so much, and was learning how to be a “normal” person and to eat whatever I wanted, while throughout my whole life I had had this litany of voices in my head (my parents, society, my own, etc) saying, “you’re fat, don’t eat that, don’t eat carbs, you’ll get fat, don’t eat that, you need to exercise, you can’t be hungry, drink water instead, if you eat that, you’ll get bloated, oh, you can’t possibly eat those two foods together,” and on and on. I didn’t realize what a huge battle I was undergoing with the ego at the time!! I had to overcome all the programming and beliefs about food as well, not just the memories and emotions that had caused all the food sensitivities that I had released with Jean at my healing session.
So over the next few days, Zara kept coaching me about the food bouncing and then I got super insecure, wondering if it was a sham, and if I couldn’t do it. I was just plain stuck and worried. I had already planned to visit my parents, so I went. When I got there, we made some cookies, so I ate them and I got bloated and really emotional and I was a mess. I was there for 2 days and all of a sudden I was crying, I couldn’t eat anything and I was so upset. I felt lost and confused. My mom was telling me that because I’m blood type O, I have to avoid all these certain foods and that just because all the food issues had been “in my head”, it didn’t mean I could eat whatever I wanted, that my body had limitations. I remember thinking that she was trying to reassure me, but I was so angry because I knew that I should be able to eat whatever I wanted after that food healing, that my body could take in what it needed and let the rest pass through. We left after a few days and I was miserable. We were driving back to Ottawa, which is a 2 hour drive, and then half way home, the haze and the misery lifted. It was gone and I was me again. I started screaming with joy! I realized that I had gone back into the unconsciousness that had created most of the food issues in the first place. My body had felt it and responded to it accordingly (and was shutting down and not digesting the food) but that once I was far enough away from my parents, my body remembered the truth and I felt lighter. It was super powerful for me, super profound. While I was there, I gave up my power to my parents, to the beliefs and fears they still had about food (that they likely absorbed during their own childhoods and throughout their lives), even though I knew I was in neutral ground again within my heart. It was almost like it needed to happen, to show me how powerful beliefs, fears and energies are and just how vulnerable I was to them.
But I still had to overcome more about the ego too. At the time, I didn’t realize that the battle was continuing….that I had only accomplished step one in the battle between my heart and my mind.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve always needed to eat often and quickly, or else I would get grumpy or physically weak. That continued even after my food healing. I was somewhat aware of it, but I just thought it was the way I was. I could see that it was very limiting for me and for our family. Then I started to see it as another form of control or stemming from a lack of control that I always felt in my life. I had been wanting to go to Toronto with my husband on his business trip, but I remember thinking, how can I possibly travel while on this crazy restrictive diet, it would be impossible, so I decided not to go. A few days later, I had my food healing, so I was feeling brave, and I went for it.
As we were planning for the trip, I was starting to see how much control food had in my life, how I used it to make me feel better, how my body and mind were always sending me signals that it was time for me to eat again, etc…. Zara and I were going to take the train and meet up with Robbin in Toronto the next day, so it was super exciting for both of us. I packed lots of healthy food in our backpack for the train ride. We got on the train and I was immediately hungry, despite having just eaten breakfast. So I ate some more food, and then I started to feel sick, my throat was sore, I felt weak and I was feeling very tired. I ordered some tea and tried to rest, all while having fun with Zara on her first train ride. I ate some more and then some more, all in an attempt to make me feel better. I started feeling more tired but I was saying to myself, “I won’t get sick, I won’t get sick,” but I remember not really believing it. We arrived in Toronto and had a marvellous afternoon with our friends and then I was trying to get Zara ready for sleep in the evening. I was so tired myself and she looked at me and said, “Mommy, the bacteria are bouncing all around your body.” I knew she was right, I felt like I was fighting something, so I cried and cried. I was so scared of being sick, so I cried out all the fear. The last time I had been really sick was the last time we had gone on a family trip when Zara was 6 months old and I had gotten strep throat, and an ear and eye infection, so I was terrified of that happening again. So I cried and I felt better. She went to sleep and I helped clean up and I went to bed early, around 8:30pm. I woke up at 2am and I remember having this huge realization, “OH! I am giving up my power to the fear of getting sick and to these bacteria that are just waiting to create an illness.” So I screamed out in my head, “bacteria you are not welcome here, you will not cause an illness, I have the power and you can’t make me sick.” I felt silly but really great, and then I fell right back asleep and I woke up refreshed and rested, with no signs of any illness. It was my second step in reclaiming my body as my own, instead of being controlled by fears and my mind.
We were on our trip for 5 days and I could still feel the panic rising occasionally (the ego trying to hold on) and I could still see the control my mind had over me with regards to food. I would wake up in the middle of the night, freaking out about the whole food thing, so I would do some deep breathing and some yoga poses my cousin Patrycja has on her blog (http://www.inspiredmomentsblog.blogspot.ca/) and that really helped me come back to a place of love, instead of one of fear and lack of control. But the ego was still winning, I was hungry all the time, and I had to pack lots of food with me whenever we left the hotel to feel safe and I always had to have a plan for when we would eat next. I was always like that, but unconscious about it. However, I was now aware of this tendency, but I wasn’t sure of what to do about it. We arrived home from our trip and it was very successful but I knew I had more to work on with this ego battle.
In the month of July, I was still overcoming so much, although I was truly unaware of the magnitude of it at the time. For a few weeks, Zara would say to me, “Mommy, don’t eat all the food,” or “Mommy, don’t eat all my food.” I was so confused and so upset by her comments. I didn’t understand where they were coming from or why she was saying them. I never ate food from her plate without asking her and those statements made me feel powerless, confused and upset (I’m learning now how not to give up my power to what other people say, but rather to listen and not blame them for the feelings that I’m experiencing as a result of what they said). I was feeling a little desperate and I had just learned about the Ho’oponopono prayer so I looked it up and decided to try it with Zara, just in case it would help (http://www.thereisaway.org/Ho’oponopono_cleaning_meditation.htm). It’s a prayer where you say to the person you want to direct the prayer to: Dear Zara, I love you, I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and you repeat it over and over again. I read about it and it felt right. I just wanted the food stuff to be over!! I was holding her one morning when she had just woken up and was breastfeeding and she was falling back asleep so I decided to try it. I was saying it over and over again in my heart and I started crying and she was nodding and nodding, even though her eyes were closed. She could hear me and feel my apology for whatever was going on within me that was making her feel like I was going to eat all the food in the house. It was only after talking with Jean a few days later that I understood what was fully going on: my mind was always telling me to eat, ALWAYS. I remember walking down the street with Zara and she told me not to eat all the food (she was not even 2 and a half at the time) and it was her way of saying, “Mommy, your mind is always thinking about food, stop it.” After that chat with Jean and hearing Zara say that so many times, it brought that inner dialogue about food into my awareness, which was huge. Check mate for me, take that ego. Now I just needed to learn some tools to overcome it further.
I read more of A New Earth, and I learned that the ego can cause changes in the body, to soothe itself, to feed itself and to create more needs to be fulfilled. I remember waking up and being seized with a desperate desire to eat. I learned (thanks to the book, my awareness and my husband) to recognize the difference between being physically hungry and being controlled by the ego. I would have to sit through the desperate hunger, acknowledge it and let it pass. It was ridiculously challenging, but it got easier each time. It was probably like quitting smoking or something. I just knew that I wasn’t going to feed it any more, I was going to reclaim my life and take back my power from the ego. There were times when I ate in the desperation and I laughed at it, and tried again.
There was one day, when I practically ate the contents of the kitchen. I was just eating and eating, feeling this huge need inside me to eat. Then, when I brought some awareness to the intensity of the desire, I realized it was impossible that the hunger could be real, that intense. It had to be the ego. I remembered how there were parts in The Power of Now, also by Eckhart Tolle, that were quite helpful for me too. I stopped what I was doing, I took out the book, I sat on the kitchen floor and I read. I chose that day to read the part about women and the collective consciousness we all have and how it can take over during menstruation and manifest in different ways for all women (for me it was usually withdrawing and eating). The collective female consciousness is very acute during menstruation and it brings up all the pain and torture we have undergone as a sex,but Tolle coaches that we can see it for what it is, acknowledge it and not let it take over any more and as such, menstruation could be transformed into a period of grace and communion with the body. I will always remember the day I read that and how I knew it was the truth I needed to overcome the huge pull of the ego/mind once and for all. I remember sitting on the kitchen floor and being filled with this awareness, this power, that I could do it, that I could live from my heart and not be tricked by the mind any longer (or at least not to the same extent!!). It was a beautiful moment. I was reading it out loud to Zara and I was screaming with happiness!!!
Since that time, I don’t fight with my body as much. I can wait two hours to eat breakfast. I am not desperate to eat. I don’t worry about when our next meal time will be. I still leave the house with snacks, but only if we’re going to be gone for more than an hour. I am so pleased, I am so proud of myself, I again have the power in my life, my heart won over my mind and it is bliss in comparison to how I used to live. It has nearly been a year since my food healing and I can still eat whatever I want and so can Zara. I have now learned that when I am feeling bloated or like I have indigestion, that it has nothing to do with what I ate, but rather the situation I am in and the energy that I have taken in or the thoughts that have taken over. With practice, I have learned to tune into my belly, release the density within there (since it’s a vulnerable place for me) and come back to my heart, to a balanced place. I don’t get it every time, but it has gotten remarkably better for me!
So I leave you with some thoughts…Be aware of what gets you. Be aware of what gets you down, what makes you feel controlled, what makes you feel helpless. See it. Feel it. Know it isn’t you. It can be conquered. It takes awareness and a willingness. There are resources, like books (Eckhart Tolle, Bruce Lipton, Geneen Roth,Richard Carlson, James Redfield, Don Miguel Ruiz, Paulo Coehlo, William Linville and so many more I don’t know!), healers, blogs, yoga, whatever you choose, you can overcome and pull out of the ego/mind game and live from your heart! Your heart can win over your mind, love can conquer all and conscious living is truly a blessing and a gift. Namaste.
You know, before I started doing energy healing with Jean Brazeau (jeanbrazeau at sympatico.ca), the healer/coach/guide whom our family sees regularly, I always felt like a victim in life. I always felt like I was at the mercy of the circumstances and situations I was in, and I felt like other people’s words could really hurt me. I thought I was negative, judgemental, shy and lost.
Now I know that all of that was just stuck energy in my body and that we are all full of light and love. All the negative thoughts and voices, those aren’t us, we are only love. I know this because I have experienced it. I can hear those negative thoughts and say, “ahh, here they are,” and let them move on. Jean has been coaching me that the negative was never me in the first place, that the love is in my heart, it is me, and it is here to stay if I am willing to let it all go and live as my true self.
I have let go of so much and I am actually lighter inside. I can actually see those painful circumstances coming and I can dodge them, they don’t have power over me any more. I am so much more free, so much more full of love. I can’t ever believe that I thought I was shy, negative and lost (well okay, sometimes I still feel lost but it doesn’t have the same powerful pull over me like it used to). This video is exactly what Jean and her healing have done for me. She has helped me reclaim my life, my love and my true self. I can dodge the bullets (the words, the circumstances, the beliefs, the judgements) now, just like Neo in this clip (it is still violent, so please keep away from the eyes of children)!! I am so grateful to Jean. May I be an example to the world of what is possible through healing, through reclaiming ourselves, through living our true lives as the love that we truly are.