A choice

I felt choice-less for so long.  It feels really long, even though it was about 31 years, well no, closer to 32, which is how old I am now.  It’s taken me a year and a half of work with an amazingly loving and beautiful and intuitive energy healer to get to the realization that I have a choice.  Every day, every minute, every second.  I can choose how I want my life to be.  I can choose.  Wow.  I had no idea.  I was living in such a helpless and choice-less place.  In fact, I think it’s pretty awesome that I’m starting to see that I have a choice, that I have a voice I can use, that I have legs that can move my body if I’m not pleased with where I am, and that I have a light inside that I can amplify so that I can bask in my light, in my love and always know that I am safe and loved and cared for.  Even if it had taken me my whole life, it would have been a worthy lesson, a lesson that would have been a huge accomplishment to have learned in one life time.  And now, here I am, every day, remembering that I can choose.

During my last healing session, which I kind of thinking of as a “cutting the cord” healing and a “finding my voice” healing, I remember saying to Jean, “you know, I look forward to the day when I don’t feel guilty or bad about things.”  Tee hee.  Jean looked at me, so intensely, so seriously and she said,” well you know Bradlee, you can wait for that day, or you can choose it now, you really don’t have to wait.”  Hahaha, I think you could have heard the light bulb turning on or the proverbial click, “aha, she got it!!”  It settled into every cell in my body, which was super exciting!  I have a choice!  Wohoo!!

So, a week or so later, I asked my daughter who is 3 if she could feel that I had been worrying about her when we were out at a friend’s house.  She said she could feel it.  I started to feel bad and then I said, “you know Zara, one of these days, I won’t worry about you any more, because you are so capable and so perfect in every way,” and then, I heard it again, the click, this realization, the choice that I had at that exact moment.  WOW!!  I said, “oh my goodness Zara, I have a choice!!  I don’t have to worry about you any more, right now, I can do this!  I don’t have to choose to do this any more!!”  I got really excited and I bolted right up.  I don’t remember if I sang, or danced, or if that was only an internal thing, but it was like a huge weight off of me and off of her.  I felt the difference, I was able to feel the weight of that worry, and I knew it was gone, that I had made a conscious decision to let her be herself, to trust her, to trust her inner knowing, which is so strong, so wise, so powerful.  As I’m healing, I’m learning to trust myself, to stop worrying about myself, so as I am letting go of the need to protect myself, it’s extending to Zara because I was so over-protective of her.  Now I see that I can also choose to let her go, let her be herself and to learn more to trust herself and to learn how capable she is without her mother always there, hovering.  My mom did the same for me, she was always there, protecting me one way or another because that inner need to protect your child is so strong, especially since it stems from all of your own past hurts.  For many reasons I’m now starting to understand (from this life and many past lives), I always felt so unloved, so unsafe, so scared.   If I can free myself and let myself be free, and let myself be me, then Zara will be herself, instead of a shadow of herself, like I always felt like I was.  I was barely there, that’s what it felt like.  May this letting go, may this choice, allow my daughter and I greater freedom, greater independence, greater trust and great love!!

When I was at Jean’s house for that last healing, Jean had turned off the soft music because she had felt like it was distracting me.  We went into this huge boil I had on my inner thigh to find out what was in there and it was my mom’s voice, yelling at me to leave her alone because she was busy and didn’t have time for me then.  I remember being little and even older and kind of hanging around her, looking for love, for play times, for connecting and she would ask me if I needed her to entertain me and she asked me to go do something else.  Whenever she said that, I felt awful inside, it always seemed so cruel, so hurtful, so loud, so scary, I didn’t want to be alone, I was so terrified of being alone, even if it was just by myself to play.  I think we all have that place inside, where we want to scream out, “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”, especially as a mother of young children, who is trying to do everything perfectly, be responsible, to love her kids, to give her kids what she didn’t have, but not having enough time for herself.  I think all moms can relate to that, I have certainly felt it, as well as it’s opposite, “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.”  It can be quite a confusing dynamic to life out in daily life, and as I’m seeing it, how I was stuck in that, I can now appreciate all the confusion I felt!!

During the healing, I had to go inside and find that 3 year old me who had learned that it was better not to speak, better to be seen rather than heard, she who came to think she wasn’t good enough, wasn’t love-able and who was worthless.  I cried alot and then I sent her to the light with her true family.  She didn’t want to leave at first, she was too scared, so Jean helped me to love her and to coach her that she was okay, that she had done her job, that she could go home to the light.  I always love that part, I remember feeling all those little selves my whole life, controlling me, trying to protect me, trying to keep me safe, when really the circumstances had changed and yet, they were limiting me, creating my reality.  So, to find them inside, to hear their messages, to allow myself to feel the pain I was never allowed to feel, to express the emotions that were shoved down (again, we all do these things), and then to send them to the love and light, wow, it is truly transformational and pure and beautiful.    There was another little me in there too, a 6 month old me who was alone in her crib, crying out, feeling unsafe and unloved and wanting protection while my parents were in the hallway fighting.  It’s amazing, I never remember my parents fighting, they were so not the fighting kind (if they had disagreements it was usually non-verbal, but I remember feeling it nonetheless), but there must have been that time very early in my life.  I had absorbed the anger and fear from their argument, the leave me alone, and the please don’t leave me that were cycling back and forth during that argument.  It’s what happens to all children and really to all of us, if we aren’t aware, if we aren’t grounded in our bodies, the energy of the argument comes right in and stays there, even if it isn’t our argument, and then an hour later we have a headache and we don’t know why.  I can think of all those times I felt heavy after being around certain situations and that heaviness now makes sense!!

After experiencing the feelings I had as a 6 month old, we released her to the light too.  Then Jean had me envision a cord between my mom and I, and then she had me cut it.  I saw a picture of us falling apart, and then she quickly said, “okay, now seal it with your love.”  I LOVED that part!  It was so loving, so beautiful, so true, so in respect of the relationship with my mom, it was almost like a way of saying, ‘all that happened, it’s okay, we’re going to live side by side in the love,  not in a crazy mother daughter knot any more, it’s okay, we’re good, I love you mom, thank you for all that you have done for me and thanks for your support as I grow and become my true self.” I really felt nice.  Then I did it with my daughter and I, a shorter version because Jean hadn’t suggested it, but it felt right, to allow for her and I have to that same love, that same space, that same side by side dancing, instead of knotted tangled attempts at life.  Then, the music turned on, just like that and much louder than before when Jean had turned it off.  We both looked at each other, the stereo was on the other side of the room, and we were both silent.  She looked at the clock and it was 12:12pm and she kind of gasped, and she said, “Bradlee, it’s 12:12pm, it’s a number of a huge opening for you (she explained that any double numbers are representatives of openings in a life).”  Then she paused and she said, “Archangel Michael is here, wow, let’s just sit here with our eyes closed and take all of this in.”  I felt radiant and beautiful and then I cried a bit because I felt worthy, I felt loved and protected.  I had experienced this huge opening for my mom, myself and my daughter, a beautiful loving opening and Archangel Michael came to support me and to give me his love and he turned the music on.  I basked in it and felt the possibilities.  I remember crying on and off and I know we talked a bit more afterwards.  Jean had told me, “Bradlee if you don’t believe that you are supported and being cared for after this…” and then I knew, without a doubt, that I was loved, that God was with me, that angels are with me, and that they truly are with all of us, because if they are with me, they are with all of us. I had given up on God, Jesus and angels and all of it, and they keep coming to me to show me they’ve always been there, that I can call on them if I need them and that they are here for me to support and love me.

An aside: Please check out this link if you are interested in a story about how my daughter and I called on Green Tara (a Buddha) and she came to help us!  We are truly supported: https://livingmytruelife.com/2012/06/25/a-visit-from-green-tara/

Wow.  Is there any other word I can write than wow?  Maybe thank you.  Maybe there are no words, but rather I can live my true life, and be grateful that I am here, that I am questioning the old, letting go of the old, and welcoming in my truth and living really and truly from that place.

Before I finish this post, I’d like to add that I’ve always been scared that I have a bad singing voice. It’s always seemed so weak and scared to me. I can think of many times when I have been told that I am not a good singer, or felt like I was no good at singing, etc., so it never really surprised me.  Now that I’m teaching family and kids yoga and singing a lot, I was thinking I would get some voice lessons, to be able to project my voice and find it’s power.  I came home after this healing last Monday and I sang a song for my daughter and there was so much power and volume in my voice, I didn’t recognize it.  I tried it again, there it was, my voice, loud and powerful!!  And it sounded nice!!! By releasing those energies that day, it freed up my voice to the next level, so I could speak up for myself, so that I could find the power within and sing it out.  What a true blessing and gift.  I’m honored, thrilled and very excited to see how I continue to shift and evolve and open as I commit to myself, totally and completely.

With love and much peace,



I know….

Before I start, I just want to say a few things!

The inspiration for this post comes from many places:

  1. My friend Julie Keon’s essay: http://www.whatiwouldtellyou.com/, it went viral quickly.  She is bold and beautiful and has much to share with the world.
  2. From the people whom I have met in this past year of opening and healing, all of whom have showed me what I have left behind, the pain, the sadness, the fear, the little kid-ness inside (that place of hiding behind your mom’s leg).  I’m not saying that I don’t have any of these emotions inside any more, but there are less, and their pull on me is far less, but as a result, I can see it so much more in people’s eyes, all that is not them, but that they believe to be them.  For them, I write this post, from my heart, from what I have behind, so that they may know that they are not alone, that all that they feel, all that is within is not them, that they can connect to their heart to feel their love, their glory and their beauty, if they so choose of course, because that it not everyone’s journey as I am quickly learning.


I know what you are feeling.  I know that look in your eyes. I know you want to run and hide from me right now.  I know you’d wish that you didn’t have to be in this room with all of these people.  I know what it feels like for you when you are alone. I know what it feels like, having to protect yourself all the time, having to protect those around you, but not really wanting that responsibility because it is so heavy, it is almost like carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it truly is too, that heaviness, that weight.  Why should you be responsible, right, especially when all you want to do is run and hide and protect you, but wait, then there’s the guilt, the guilt of not being able to care for them, not being able to take care of them, love them and shelter them and give them all you didn’t have.  It doesn’t matter who “them” is, for you, you know who they are, you know what it is inside that is grabbing you, that is reminding you that it is there, that it is heavy, that it won’t let you go, that it’s slowly killing you, the real you inside, the glory and the light, if only you knew about it, right inside you, so you could cling to that divine beauty who you truly are, instead of all the fear and guilt that is only pulling you further and further away from you, from the real you.  I can see past it now, I can see you, I can see your possibilities and they are endless.  I know you know about them.  I know you have felt your glory on occasion.  And it’s brilliant, it’s amazing, it astounds you, but then it goes and it leaves you feeling even more confused and alone. I know.  I remember that.  I remember the disappointment, the feeling betrayed by my own life, by God, by everyone around me, why do they hate me, you ask?  Why do they leave me when I need them, why do I push them away?  I know all of those questions, all of those feelings, I know.  I wish I could hold you and tell you it’s all going to be okay, because it is possible, you are the Creator of your own life, you can do it, did you know?  I now know it, but I didn’t before.  I would like to share that with you.  Did you know that you have a choice, that you are divine inside, that God is within you, God is within all of us, and he is in everything, God wants to experience life through us, to get to know Him/Herself better, just as we are here, living this life, we can choose, do we want to live it all, the good and the bad, because from there, we can rise, we can move beyond, and we can live from our heart, and from that place, all of this, all of this we call life, will just happen, without any attachment to outcomes, you can just be, you can breathe, you can drink water and feel nourished, you can hear your own heart song, the pounding of your heart within, guiding you, you will hear it louder and stronger and you will live from that place, you can choose in what lifetime you want to do it, you can let it take many lifetimes to get there and that’s okay, it’s your choice.  But you’ve already lived from that place of fear and despair and guilt, do you like it?  Do you really think there is anything else you can learn from that place?  If there is, fine, go for it, and then be ready, be ready to jump into the huge pool of love that is warm and safe and is surrounded by millions of people with outstretched arms, waiting to hold you, because you’ll actually allow for it, you’ll allow them to get close and you’ll see that there is nothing really real about fear, that you can walk through it to discover the love, the beauty of the world and the beauty of you.  Can you imagine it?  Allowing others to help you?  Allowing yourself to experience pain and then rise above it because you don’t have to beat yourself up any more, you don’t have to live in a place of guilt, because you’re starting to see how it and judgement pull you away from your heart, from your possibilities.  So when you are ready, we’ll be around that pool of love and I know, you’ll say, really, is this real, and I’ll laugh with you and I’ll remember how it first felt for me when I jumped in and was okay, and that I’m still okay, in fact I’m better than I ever could have dreamed because I have opened my arms, and yes, I still feel the fear sometimes, I acknowledge it, and I breathe through it, sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel small, but I know that it doesn’t have to be that way any more, I can release that energy that wants to come up from within and soar as more of my divine self comes right back in to fill in the holes that were previously filled with fear and guilt and judgement.  You can choose.  I know, it seems crazy, but we can.  You can.  When you are ready, I am here for you, I love you and I always will because we are all one, we all are the same inside, and we all have that beautiful place of love inside and we can all support each other in getting in touch with it each day, we can help each other instead of judge and push away.  It is possible.  I know it because I am living it.  I know it because truth is unmistakable.  God and love are unmistakable.  I didn’t have to read a book to discover God and my divine love, I have experienced it in my heart as I let it all go, and I know God is there with me now, it is truth because we are God and God is within us.  When you are ready, you can do it.  I know…. I know.  You can choose love, you can choose you, you can choose.  Take a breath, put your hands on your heart, feel it beating, breathe and breathe, feel it slow down as you touch your chest, feel it slow down and take you there, to the love, to your essence.  Keep holding it. Think of love, whatever that means for you, care, gratitude, appreciation, whatever it is.  Think of how you felt when you felt like there was still something to hope for.  Feel that hope.  It is your heart, knowing what is possible.  Breathe and connect with it, and let it guide you.  Be ready to hear it’s guidance.  I know.  It sounds crazy, but did you see how calm you just got?  It’s possible.  I know.

With everlasting love and many blessings.



When you are ready, you will find love is always there, within you. I have no idea how this happened, but I made an unintentional heart shaped pancake. This morning I lay on the pillow with wet hair to let out some fear and cry and I got up and there was a wet heart-shaped spot. It is everywhere, when you ready, let it in, let it out, feel it and be it.

I Choose Love

I went to a conference day with Gregg Braden last weekend with my husband Robbin.  This was really significant in my life for many reasons:

  1. Gregg Braden is amazing (http://www.greggbraden.com/)!  He opened up my heart even further through his messages, his words of encouragement, his explanations of how the world is transforming and how we can connect to our hearts to support our planet and all of us with the love that we have inside,
  2. I actually left our daughter Zara for the whole day with someone other than Robbin.  This is huge for me, I have overcome some super deep and strong abandonment fears that were keeping me locked up tight, that were preventing me from leaving Zara for more than 2 hours without huge panic setting in.  I have worked with an energy healer (world miracle worker!) Jean Brazeau and I have released so much of the energy and fears inside that were keeping me prisoner.
  3. My mom came up for the weekend from Montreal (we live in Ottawa) and we had a fantastic time together.  I love my mom dearly and I was so pleased that she was able to come (for the first time since Zara was really little) to spend time with us.  It was also huge because I was able to be pretty open and loving with my mom, because I’ve moved through so much of the energy that was keeping me in a game of blame and lack of control with my mom.

I wanted to share what I took away from the Gregg Braden conference because it was so profound.  He shared a song with us from Shawn Gallaway called I Choose Love.  I have posted the link here for you to view:

It has become my new anthem, I sing it constantly in my head, to remind me that I have a choice.  I feel like that is what my life has come to, knowing that I have choices, that I am the Creator of my own life, my own experiences, my own thoughts, all of it.  I get to choose.  This song is exactly what I need to be reminded of that choice, when the emotions come up so strongly and they are threatening to pull me under, to the darkness, to where I no longer want to live… I have lived that way, I don’t want to go back there.  This song allowed me enough time today when I felt a huge surge of anger coming up (that really was not justified at all), to choose love, to feel the anger, but to choose love and to walk away, to deny that anger the power it wanted to have over me.  I know that I will have to look at that anger because it is there but I don’t want it to take me over so that I am it’s prisoner, saying things and throwing the things that it wants me to.  I am choosing love.  Shawn Gallaway wrote this song two days after the twin towers were blown apart by airplanes in 2001.  He felt so moved to share with the world even during that confusing time, that we all had the choice then, to respond to a huge crisis with love.  We all knew what would happen if there was retaliation, more heartache, more deaths, more tears, more anger, but if we could choose to live from the love we all have within, the world could change, there wouldn’t be that anger that drives us to hurt others (physically or emotionally) not when we live from the love.

This is a painting called I Choose Love, by Shawn Gallaway, the singer and author of the song I Choose Love.

When you truly connect to your heart, there is only love, there is no anger, no hurt, no aggression, no pain.  Gregg showed it to us at the conference using technology from HeartMath: http://www.heartmath.org/. The technology they have developed helps people to know when they are truly connected to their heart, to their love.  The heart has an electromagnetic field around it, within it and it has the same frequency as one of the electromagnetic fields of the earth’s atmosphere.  HeartMath is demonstrating, through their science and technology, that when we connect to our hearts, we can influence the electromagnetic field of the earth’s atmosphere.  This was first discovered after 9/11, the weather satellite data showed a huge spike in the electromagnetic field of the planet and the scientists didn’t understand why that was.  When they looked at the date and time of the spikes, they correlated directly with September 11, 2001 at 9:15am, which they postulated was about the time it took until the first plane hit and for the media to spread it around the world.  The whole world connected to their hearts during that time and as a planet, we changed the electromagnetic field of one of the layers of the atmosphere.  There is now an initiative started by HeartMath and Princeton, called the Global Coherence Initiative (GCI) (http://www.glcoherence.org/), which has the purpose of “uniting people in heart-focused care and intention, to facilitate the shift in global consciousness from instability and discord to balance, cooperation and enduring peace.”  It all comes back to how powerful we each are when we live from a place of love, not from fear.  It’s really about what you choose.  As a planet, if more and more of us can choose love, it will make it easier for other to choose love, for our leaders to make the same choices from love, to see what is truly possible for our planet, for all of us.  If we can each connect to our hearts, not only will our individual lives be easier, but those of our children, our families, our neighbors, our fellow city-members, province-members, country-members, and it expands out, just as our love does from our heart.  If you are at all skeptical, you will find all you need on the HeartMath and GCI websites, including tools and scientific devices to measure your coherence with your heart.  It was beautiful to be in the room with Gregg Braden as he played the song I Choose Love and to feel the love and the hope of possibility in that room.  It was powerful to see the HeartMath technology measure the heart coherence (the coherence is a level between 1-100 of how connected you are to the heart through hertz, which is the measurement of the electromagnetic field) of our room and the participants in it and for us to see it out of coherence and then to see it at 100% coherence after all 400 of us closed our eyes, touch our chests right where the heart is and think of care, gratitude and appreciation.  That was it, physical touch, and thinking of care, appreciation and gratitude.  It seems really simple and it is, and we can all do it.  We can all have that impact on our own lives and those of our fellow earthlings!!

Robbin, Zara and I are going to become members of the GCI and we will learn the tools to connect to the heart (in the event there are more we don’t know) and we will log on to their system and send out of love when others in the world are logged on too, to unite in care and love, to send love to parts of the world that are currently in crisis and that would benefit from some extra love and heart coherence.  It truly is beautiful.  You want to change your life and the world?  Here is an actual tool!!!  Use it.  I know we will. I know I will use it to teach my kids class, Playing From the Heart: Kids Connect, where I teach kids about love and how powerful they are and how they can find peace whenever they need to, within themselves.  I love it.  I love it because I was so sad and so desperate at so many points in my life and I now know that life doesn’t need to be like that.  I can choose love.  I can choose to connect to my heart and feel the love.  Beautiful.  Let’s support each other and grow in love, life doesn’t have to be this hard, our world doesn’t need to be full of war, our children can lead the way and we can hold them and love them and let them be the love instead of shutting it down.  Yes, I choose love.  What will you choose?

I’ll finish this post with a quote from Gregg Braden, okay it won’t be a quote but it will be slightly paraphrased!!

“Our world is transforming and in the new world age that we will soon begin, the question will not be ‘what can I get from the world?’, it will be ‘what can I do for the world that is emerging?”  I loved that.  It’s about sharing the love and not living from that place where everyone owes you because you are a victim, but switching the perspective to thinking of what you can contribute to the world, and from that place, abundance will be yours, through love and giving and gratitude.

Namaste and thanks for reading:)



Leaping out of the box

Well!!  Here I am!  I am opening, I am expanding and I am realizing that I am SOOOOOOOOOOO much more than I ever thought possible, than I ever gave myself credit for, than I ever could have dreamed possible.  You know, when you stop to think about it, we’ve all been limited in so many ways, by what our parents thought/believed was or wasn’t possible, by what our teachers thought/believed was possible, our grandparents, our babysitter, our friends, by everyone.

It’s a shame, but that’s really how my life has been until the last couple of years, when my eyes were opened by the possibilities, instead of only ever seeing the negative and keeping my eyes closed from fear.  My first real boss, Ian MacKay, taught me to think outside the box.  Think outside the box, I remember saying to myself?  I can do this?  I was in a box before?  I was limited, and now I can go beyond?  Really?  Thank goodness for Ian.  He showed me and taught me so much, so did all of my colleagues at my first real job!  And so did all of my friends too, and my parents too, but I was just living from such a scared, traumatized place of shock about the world, that I couldn’t see it.  And when I first met my husband, wow, I was like, you can live like this, really and truly, with this apparent freedom from the box that so many of us live in?  Mine was teeny tiny.  Now, I’m not even sure where the walls are of that box.  Did I break it down? Did it dissolve?  Was it never really there in the first place?  Was it something my mind created to keep me small and safe?  Probably.  Now that I’m healing and opening and discovering the truth and beauty of me, I’m starting to learn that there aren’t really any boxes, and there aren’t really any walls, if there are any, they are an illusion, a diversion from the truth.  Once we can see that, we can be more free, to be ourselves, our glorious selves.

In the past few weeks, I have done so many things I never would have thought possible.  As the walls of the box have disappeared, here is what I have done:

  • I created a dance/yoga/movement/singing class for kids called Kids Connect.  I am sharing it with the parenting group that I am a part of and I am having an absolute blast.  I had the idea a few months ago and thanks to the healing work I’ve done with Jean Brazeau (jeanbrazeau@sympatico.ca) and my husband Robbin Zrudlo (www.healandevolve.ca), it’s almost like this path has opened up for me as a huge purpose/part of my life.  With Jean’s help, I discovered that I was a dancer in two past lives, as well as a teacher.  She also guided me to become a Groove Method dance facilitator (www.thegroovemethod.com) and she has helped me reclaim the truth of who I am, to my core!  After I did a Personal Reconnection with Robbin, I woke up two mornings in a row only to be inundated with remarkably cool ideas for classes for kids.  I am excited to see where this takes me!!
  • I have done things that previously would have super intimidated me, like fixing the base of our lamp because it broke off.  I decided to use two planks of wood and some bungey cords and it now stands up again!  It doesn’t look pretty, but I did it and I would never have attempted it before!  I was so proud of myself!  I also climbed up a tall ladder to the attic space above our garage to get Zara’s tricycle out.  I always thought I was scared of heights, but I did it and got the tricycle down and then went up for the bike!
  • I looked at the stack of old cloth diapers we have from when our daughter Zara needed them and I said, man what am I going to do with those…Now I’ve started making pads for me for when I get my period.  They’re brilliant, comfortable, easy to wash and super recycled.  And, Robbin helped me to design them and Zara (who is 3), pushed the pedal on the sewing machine for two whole pads worth!  I was so pleased with the project!  I thought of it, made it happen, accepted help, and finished it!  Yes, I’m still going to make more pads, but for now, I’m just over the moon with the success!
  • I’ve learned that I can just be.  I don’t have to do, I don’t have to force, I can just be and that I am great and that it is enough.  I was such a worrier before, always trying to make things happen, make sure everyone is okay and I’m leaving that old role and those old behaviors behind. I’m learning that I can breathe and be me and amplify the love I have in my heart so everyone feels it, including me, and that that is the best thing I can possibly do.
  • I had told my neighbor that I can pick up her daughter from the bus if she’s ever not home in time!  I’ve always wanted to be involved with the neighbors, to have a good relationship with them, especially since we didn’t as I was growing up.  It just makes sense to me that we should all do this!!  So my neighbor called me today and asked if I could pick up her daughter and look after her for an hour until she gets home.  I heard and felt the old panic rise up in me, like I can’t do this, I don’t really know her daughter, but then I was like, “hold on!!  I can teach a dance class with kids I don’t know, I just made some pads, this is exactly what I want, this panic doesn’t apply.  AND, my neighbor actually called me to ask me if I could help, which is awesome!  She trusts me and it is honestly my pleasure,” and then I was cool with it and excited.

I CAN DO IT!!  I CAN DO IT ALL!!  WE ALL CAN!!  Let’s leap out of the box, let’s say screw it all and live free, let’s give new things a try, let’s embrace our true selves and go for it.  Now that you’re grown, did you ever stop to think who is the one who is limiting you?  Is it possible that it’s you?  You don’t live with your parents any more, it’s your life, you get to make your own decisions.  You are responsible for you.  What do you really like?  What does your heart yearn to do?  You can listen to your heart and try new things, push yourself a little, know that you are safe and loved, it’s okay.  Be the love that you are.  I’m going for it and I’ll tell you it feels awesome compared to not knowing that I even had a heart, now I can feel it beating in my chest, urging me on.  And the walls of the box are gone and I’m really starting to know, deep within me, that it was never really there to begin with.



Things I’ve learned in the past year…I wish they taught this in school

I’ve been meaning to write this list for awhile now.  Sometimes it feels surreal, like how can this actually be my life, how can I actually have shifted this much, how could I have gone from feeling miserable and shut down inside, to feeling this marvelous freedom that is around most of the time, that is actually me?  Is this really what life is like I sometimes ask?  And then I just need to stop, breathe and look at how far I’ve come, what I’ve learned and how anyone can do this too, I am not someone special or extraordinary, I am just me (although there is nothing “just” about me, and I am extraordinary and so are all of us, we just don’t know it and we haven’t been allowed/permitted, by ourselves or society, to know it).

So I’ve been reflective in the past few days, thinking about what has happened, where I am and here are some of my thoughts.  I owe these learnings and these thoughts to my higher self, my higher self who was always there, who was always guiding me, loving me, supporting me, but who was obscured by the shadows of pain and sadness and judgement that were clouding everything.  I also owe these learnings to Jean Brazeau, the healer/coach/guide our family sees, for she has opened my eyes, she has connected me to my higher self, she has coached me to be me, the true me.  I will never have enough words for Jean, so instead, I share her message through this post and spread the love that she is to everyone I see by being my true self, who is also full of love.  Namaste and many blessings to Jean!!  I also owe these learnings to my husband Robbin and my daughter Zara.  They are the lights in my life, they are so beautiful, so amazing, so fun, so perfect.  Robbin is like a rock and he is so funny, such a gentleman, so silly, so grounded, so himself, so adventurous. He loves to cook, he loves me for me and he is my life and soul partner.  I love him beyond words.  And Zara, our beauty girl who just turned 3, she constantly teaches me about the world, shows me what is within me that is holding our family back and pushes me, with her beauty and her true-ness, to seek it out, to release it so we can all be free.  Her intensity, her hilarity, her openness, are all inspiring, are all pure and beautiful.  I am honored to be the third member in our little family.

And now, the learnings:

  • The body can take in what it needs and let the rest pass through.  Jean taught me this.  I was so sick, I couldn’t eat anything, I had a zillion food sensitivities and so did Zara, I had seen a naturopath, was on a crazy restricted diet, got somewhat back to health, only to have it come crashing down.  I had a session with Jean, I took a look at how controlled I’ve always felt, how powerless and how food was entangled in that dynamic.  I took back my power from food during that session with Jean and took back my power from my life, I had given it up years ago and was learning how to get it back.  Bada boom bada bing, I could eat whatever I wanted (please see My Healings, and Food Healing for more details).  Jean told me that we have all lost touch with our bodies so much, that our bodies can innately do so much, if we can let them.  She said I could eat whatever I wanted, my body was healthy, it was just all the shut down parts of me that were holding me back from eating, and once we looked at what was causing the shut down, I was free, I released it, and could eat whatever I wanted and Zara too.  I did that healing 8 months ago and I can still eat whatever I want.  Our bodies can do so much more than we know, we just need to know this, we need to spread the message. Like a cold for instance, it’s actually our bodies’ way of releasing density, energy that is heavy, that is holding us back.  Vomiting is the same, peeing/pooping, all of it, it’s how our body balances itself.  If we can let the body be the body and release the energy and emotions that are holding it back from functioning, then we can let it go and do the work it wants to.  Some awesome books about this are The Journey by Bradon Bays, she heals herself from a basketball size uterine tumor by releasing the emotions that caused the tumor in the first place.  The other one is Living in a Body on a Planet by William Linville, he teaches about the body and it’s innate abilities to heal itself, regenerate and operate at an optimum level.  This is stuff we should teach in schools:)
  • We all have the power, we just need to give ourselves permission to have it, to know it, to live it, to feel it.  I never felt like I had any power in my life, I always wanted to be the best to get love, I always did what my parents told me because I wanted them to love me, I did everything for everyone but me.  Then I started healing with Jean and now I’m seeing how I had given up so much in my life, so much of me, and now my life is going to be dedicated to living my true life, to make decisions for me from the heart, not because I want to make money, not because I think I’m fat, not because everyone else is doing something, not because it is the safe route, none of it.  I am taking back my power, I will eat what I want, I will do what makes me happy, I will love myself and I will spread love wherever I go, I will smile at others because it feels right to me, I will use my voice because that is what it is for, I will not wait for others to speak for me, I will not wait for others to be responsible for me, I will make decisions, knowing that I am loved and supported by God, by the universe, by my higher self, and that I am not as limited by old roles, behaviors, or beliefs or judgements anymore.  I will go for it, it is my life and I will live it dammit!  I just started up a kids dance/yoga/movement class for the parents in my parenting group.  I have no experience doing that, it just felt like the right thing to do and I’m really enjoying it.  I would not have given myself permission to try that, to give it a shot, I would have worried about making money instead (I’ve been on leave since my daughter was born in Feb.2009), or I would have listened to the constant, “I can’t do it, I can’t do this,” in my head.  Now, I’m playing with kids, teaching them with fun movements how to connect to their bodies, teaching them that they are pure love, that the emotions they feel are not them, that they can pull themselves back in, that they don’t need to hide parts of themselves away, that they are beautiful the way they are and then we get to have a crazy, silly time dancing.  So in that way, I can teach them, learn from them, and empower them the way I have been slowly empowering myself with Jean’s help.  A New Earth by Echardt Tolle was also helpful for me in this!
  • It is okay to use my voice.  I always knew I was shy, but I didn’t realize just how much.  I would very rarely speak up for myself.  Since starting this healing journey, I’ve been learning about the importance of saying what I need to say, I’ve blogged about it actually and I hope to do it more and more as I get more opportunities to speak where I would previously have stayed silent.(https://livingmytruelife.com/2012/01/04/finding-my-voice-and-teaching-my-daughter-to-find-hers/).  I’m wanting to make this a priority all the time.  Instead of being too shy about asking if they could warm up my cookie at Starbucks, I am going to ask for it.  If I like it that way and I say it with a smile, why would I not go for it.  If the doctor is touching my daughter in a way that makes her uncomfortable I am going to say something about it.  She has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I have to speak up, to show her that it is okay, that it is her body and that she can honor it, that no one, not even a doctor knows more than her about her own body.  If I don’t like what someone has said to me, I will find a way to say it without anger, but from a calm, neutral place, to let them know what it was I didn’t like.  If I see that someone is trying to intimidate me, I will smile inside, know that what they are saying and how they are acting, is not about me, and then I will say, “it seems as though you are really angry,” and then see how that goes!  I learned about that from both the Celestine Prophecy and How to Talk to Kids so Kids Will Listen and Listen So They Will Talk.  I will honor myself and hold myself from a place of trueness to my heart, from integrity, and if there are times when I do not speak, when my voice is lost, I will observe and see what I can do next time.  I will not keep myself in the corner, lost in silence and suffering, now that I see that life does not need to be that way, I am tired of the old way of life.  Let the love in I say, let me use my voice, let me give myself permission to be me, to speak, to love, to laugh and to lead by example for Zara and for the children of the world who are our future.  Let them see us all reclaiming our power, our voices, before they start to give themselves up to the world like I did, like we likely all did.  Thank you Jean for helping me find my voice in each session and to Robbin who coaches me, and who practices with me when I need to practice what I would say, and to Zara, who inspires me to change my views of myself and the world, she shows me what is possible.

I am going to end this post here.  It feels right.  I know there are more, but those are the biggest points for me, the ones I keep in my heart all the time.  I will forever be grateful to Jean, to Robbin, to Zara and to all the people whom I’ve met in the past year, who have helped me to open up, to push beyond the bull, to be me, to all those who have always accepted me and loved me despite the huge conflict I always had inside.  I am forever grateful and I am so happy to be flying now and spreading my wings and sprinkling pixie dust of hope and possibility and love wherever I go.