Energy and Harry Potter

Since I’ve started learning more about energy and actually understanding it, it seems as though there were always so many references to energy in my daily life that I completely missed.  I remember reading the Celestine Prophecy about 7 years ago and I was mesmerized by it, but I wasn’t yet at a point where I could live it and understand it.  I’m grateful to be at a point where energy makes sense to me now!  I will share some more below.

I’ve written in this blog about how the movie The Matrix has many parallels to my life and how the energy work I’ve been doing makes me feel like Neo from the movie!  I’ve always felt like a victim to all the circumstances in my life, I would see the hurt coming at me and I would take it all in and I would suffer.  I am laughing while writing this, it seems so dramatic, but it’s honestly true.  I now see those some bullets and hurts coming towards me, and it really is like The Matrix where Neo dodges the bullets, I see it coming, I bat it out of the way or I shift my body and it goes right past. I’ve cleared out so many emotions, memories and stuck energy that those “bullets” coming at me don’t seem to have the same magnetic charge.

I also sometimes feel like I was given the choice a year and a half ago to take a red or blue pill like in the movie The Matrix.  It was like life said to me, “you are suffering, you are unwell, your health and your life are at their lowest points (I was at the bottom of the pit so to speak), and you have a choice. You can continue in unconsciousness and take the red pill, or you can choose to awaken, you can choose a conscious life, and you can take the blue pill and learn the truth of all that is.”  I chose that blue pill and I haven’t looked back since.  I’ve been learning more about consciousness (awareness), about energy, about God, about life, about my heart, about love and it’s been super eye opening, beautiful and wonderful and challenging.  I’ll never go back to the way I was, I simply am no longer that person, I will never be that way again, I am opening my heart, I am letting the love in and I am letting it shine out and I will continue to learn the truth of all that is until I am fully living from as the light and am having an eternal blast!

So now to a little energy lesson.  We are all made up of energy, we all feel energy, whether we know it or not.  We’ve all felt heavy after interacting with someone who complains or who dumps all their life’s garbage on us.  We’ve all adopted other people’s mannerisms and just laughed it off (myself included).  We’ve all lived in a movie or in the book we’re reading and we’ve gotten a little off track in our own lives because we’re partially still in the movie or book.  I have cried reading Winnie the Pooh to our daughter because Christopher Robbin has grown up and he knows he won’t come back as often to his beloved toys.  I jumped right into that story and lived as Christopher Robin and I felt the remorse and the confusion that the author put into that story from his own life, likely from watching his son growing up.  It was intense. I ended up thinking it was my own story I was mourning, about how I grew up and watched everyone becoming more distant with each other, becoming more mean, more competitive, but really I was living as Christopher Robin, no doubt to me.

Here is another example.  I was recently talking on the phone with someone who was going through a hard time.  Within minutes of hanging up, I was lost, confused, anxious.  I didn’t quite realize what was going on, I was rude to my husband, I felt like running away, hiding and throwing things all at once.  I felt like I was off balance and wrong, but it didn’t quite clue into me what had happened.  I excused myself and went and breathed and connected to myself more deeply and I felt better, but it only lasted for a few minutes.  I was overtaken with desperate thoughts like, “leave me alone, I can’t do this any more, I’m so responsible for you, I can’t take it, I want to crawl into a hole and hide.”  I had just had an energy healing session and had released some similar emotions, so I thought it was just more releasing, so I breathed and tried to let it release.  The short version of this is that I struggled for about an hour, wanting to hide from my family, wanting to run away, before I lay down again and said to myself, “what is this, can someone help me out please?”  I got a picture in my mind of the person with whom I had chatted and I laughed.  “Ohhhhhh” I said to myself!  I commanded their energy to leave my body and I broke energy with them.

We are kind of like magnets with our energy, we attract what we carry in our own bodies, so because it was releasing from me (and there is likely more deeper down), I grabbed onto the other person’s energy (or it grabbed me) and it held fast.  I broke the connection between the magnets, that strong pull and I relaxed and felt like me again.  I learned all of this from the coach our family sees and the tools she has taught us are invaluable and amazing.  I was hijacked, gone, lost, and taken over by this energy and then, when I got the clarity about what had happened, I was able to break free and be me again.  We’ve all felt hijacked, and the truth is, it happens to us all the time, and then we get headaches, leaky noses, or we vomit or have diarrhea as our bodies try to clear it out.  That is what happens when our bodies are left to clear it out, but if we can be conscious of what is going on and assist the body to clear it out by breaking energy, drinking lots of water and being aware of how we are feeling inside, it helps!!

Breaking energy is described in William Linville’s (www.williamlinville.com) book, “Living in a body on a planet,” on page 25,

“Begin by sliding your hands across each other in front of your heart, then pushing your right hand out while bringing your left palm to rest against your heart level.  Focus on your heart chakra. You are breaking energy with the whole world as you’ve known it….This is bringing your consciousness right back through your body…Now bring your attention to a part of your body.  Whether your attention is on a hand, on the neck, even on a toe, it matters not.  Bringing attention to that body part allows you to feel your own presence and welcome it to come forward again.”

From: http://www.cornellenergyclub.com/

I am so happy to have breaking energy as a tool.  It has helped me so much!  It helped me come back to me today when I was completely gone, hijacked and taken prisoner (it felt like that, it seems extreme, but it was such a relief to be back to me!).  I thought of Harry Potter after I recovered and felt like myself again.  For those of you familiar with Harry Potter, I felt like Harry does when he is in front of the Dementors and they start trying to suck his soul out of his body.  He has to try to conjure up a Patronus to ward off the evil, but he’s being sucked away, bit by bit and it takes every bit of his strength and awareness to break free.  Once he is free, he is left tired and feeling drained, which is how I felt today.  I laughed to myself this afternoon after I had had a healthy helping of chocolate, because chocolate is the exact remedy from Harry Potter after he has fought off a Dementor attack. In the third book, Harry gets to/has to eat a lot of chocolate to get his strength back as he learns to ward off Dementors.   I have no idea if I ate a good amount of chocolate because innately I felt like my body needed it, or if the memory of that part of the book was hiding somewhere inside and was telling me to eat chocolate. Either way, I ate the chocolate, I felt better, I went outside and went to the park and felt the wind, I hugged a tree and just got my roots back into the ground.

That’s my story!  I hope you find it interesting!  I wonder if you’ll consider the new tool as a way to feel more comfortable in your body, because really that is what it is meant to do. I wonder if chocolate really is a delectable treat that does more for us than we’ll ever know, maybe J.K. Rowling knew as much!

With love,

Bradlee

Forgiving myself

I just realized last night that I need to forgive myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I have done some things, felt some emotions, etc, etc, etc on this parenting journey that I am not proud of.  However, had they not all happened, I would not have been driven to learn about healing, about letting go of emotions, knowing they aren’t me and moving on as my true self, no longer a prisoner to past patterns, roles and behaviors and thought patterns.

The other day I wrote a post about not letting my thoughts take over.  Eventually I’ll learn how to put a link in here to link back to previous posts!!  Anyway….!  I had these painful memories come up about how I had handled situations in the past with our amazing daughter Zara whom I love infinitely.  I was pleased because those memories came up and I wasn’t plagued by the pain and sorrow and all the other emotions that were behind my reactions and decisions back then.  However, it hit me last night that the reason why those memories were coming up was because I needed to forgive myself.  I needed to acknowledge that they happened, that I did the best I could at the time, that my past had led me to feelings those feelings and that it is amazing that I am here finally, in a beautiful mostly neutral place full of love, for which I will forever be grateful.  So, I felt the memories come up again last night and I said, ohhhhhh, that’s why you are here.  I realized that I needed to get it out, the depth of my sorrow about how I behaved, the huge apology I had inside for my behavior.  I went upstairs, lay in the bed, and I connected with my daughter, how she must have felt at the time, how I felt at the time and I cried.  I let the emotions come. I sobbed and cried, I said I was sorry to myself and to Zara and then a few minutes later, I felt like I was done.  I may not have gotten to the super core of it but it felt great and then my body started tingling all over, it was healing from the pain I had felt and it was glowing and showing me that it provided me with those memories so I could get them out and make more room for the love that I am now.  Amazing, isn’t it?  If this was taught in schools, no one would have cancer or depression or any of it, we’d just be in tune with our bodies and our emotions and we would never be shut down.

I love Zara.  I love me.  I love us all.  I forgive me and I will probably have to keep doing this, finding the love for me, as I heal and open, heal and open.  And that’s okay with me.  I can’t expect anyone to forgive me if I haven’t forgiven myself.  In fact, I think that forgiveness just happens, I don’t think it’s something you can ask for, it just has to happen naturally, through healing, through letting go and seeing the situation for what it was, being stuck and learning now that it had to happen that way as we all try to find our true selves.

I’ve thought about apologizing to everyone I’ve ever met lately, for all the times in my earlier life when I pushed them away, judged them or shut them out, all of it.  And then I realized that I am me now, and that I am full of love and I think that the best thing I can do is love me and when I am around them or corresponding with them, I will be the love that I am and I will heal anything that happened between us in the past.  Plus, I didn’t really do anything wrong, I was just me, bubbly me who was sad inside, and now I’m bubbly me who is feeling the love in her heart and is knowing that the stuff inside isn’t really me and that it doesn’t have power over me anymore.

Tee hee, as an aside, it’s 5:30am and I’m slightly awake while typing this!  I was sleeping with Zara last night and then she said, let’s go sleep with Daddy, so all three of us were in the bed and I didn’t have any room and Robbin didn’t have any blankets.  Tee hee, I love my life.  Hence my deep thoughts early in the morning!

Much love to you all.

I am not my thoughts….how they would have done me in yesterday, but I remembered this truth

You know, thoughts are crazy.  They can take you places, take you to what you believe to be the worst within you, they can show you all the memories, emotions and pain you thought you repressed a long time ago, they can show you your weaknesses and vulnerabilities….if you let them.

I have found so many helpful books, techniques etc for coping with thoughts over the past few years, ways to disassociate myself from them, to recognize that they are not me, to find the present moment instead, and they’ve all been helpful.  I have so much gratitude to Richard Carlson, Don Miguel Ruiz, John Kabat-Zinn, Eckhart Tolle, as well as many others.  If it weren’t for them, I would still think I was miserable and I would still be believing all the thoughts that used to plague me.

Since I’ve started on this healing path, the path to my true self, to living my true life and going beyond all the bullshit that is around us, within us, I have realized that these books, while useful and beautiful, are just tools.  If we can get to the depths of the repressed stuff within us, get it out, then we can find real freedom.  Then we don’t really need to stay in the present moment, or say, okay here are the thoughts, I will just watch them and let them disappear, because when we start welcoming in our true selves, then this just tends to happen naturally.

I read the book, The Journey, by Brandon Bays several months ago, and she developed a process for finding out what we’ve stored in our bodies, getting to the core of it and releasing it.  My heart and soul sang while reading it, they were like, holy shit, get it all out, do you remember this, and this and this, it was almost as if they were willing me, showing me what I had gone through, what I wasn’t allowed to feel, what I had repressed as a result, and they were singing to me, Bradlee, do this, get it out, this isn’t you.

The Journey describes a process you can do yourself with friends to get to the core of what it is you repressed (that is likely causing physical manifestations, I had super digestive troubles and food sensitivities and unexplicable frustration and anger and deep deep abandonment issues).  I was going to do the process with a friend but then found a Journey practitioner (Jean Brazeau, jeanbrazeau@sympatico.ca) on their website and thank goodness I did.  She does Journey work but also does so much more, and she has taught me, shown me how to welcome in the real Bradlee as we’ve worked together to release all the stuff that wasn’t me and each time I’ve gone, I’ve gotten lighter inside and sometimes I can actually feel my body glowing inside, tingling, thanking me for all the work, showing me it’s here to support me, that it is a beautiful tool, not just something that helps me move around and that carries all the pain for me.  Anytime I feel pain now I realize that it’s the next thing that’s coming up for me to see, acknowledge and release.  And I’m learning how to do it on my own now too. Slowly but surely I will start sharing this on the blog!  But I’d like to start with what happened to me yesterday!

So I was with my beautiful family and I kept getting plagued by these awful memories.  One was when our daughter was like 8 months old and she had such a horrible time sleeping, I was exhausted, I was trying to support her, be there for her like I felt I was never supported, and then I was spent.  I was open and vulnerable to what I didn’t believe in.  So I tried it, I let her cry by herself.  I thought I was going to die.  That’s what I was reliving yesterday, even though it was 2 years ago, even though I’ve come so far since then, I’m so much more free, so much more able to live and parent from a place of neutrality instead of “there’s no fucking way I’m going to repeat that for Zara (our daughter).”  And then right after that I remembered one night where I was again so frustrated that she wouldn’t sleep, that I grabbed her hard and swung her and I out of the bed, and my husband came after me and was like, “Bradlee, that was really angry and aggressive, you could have hurt her (she was still young and slightly floppy),” and then I had felt like dying, like I wasn’t worthy, like he hated me and she did too and that I might as well not exist.  All of that came up yesterday and some more too.  There’s no point in mentioning them all. I said, oh ya, here they are, I breathed and I felt the love in my chest, I saw how stuck I had been, how trapped I was back then, I recognized that I did the best I could possibly have done with where I was in my life and I moved on.  Pure and simple.  I didn’t wallow in regret, guilt or self pity, which I would have done less  than a year ago, but slowly I’m letting go of the inner judge, the need to feel guilty like we all have, and the shame and regret.  I’m not having to work at it, it’s just happening slowly as I let more of me in with each time I get out the repressed stuff.

I know this is possible for us all.  I am Bradlee, just me, no one fancy (well, I think we’re all fancy and important, but that we just don’t know it yet!!), and it was my time to see the truth, to welcome myself back in from that dark hole I had to hide myself in all these years.  I pray that we can all do this, that we all find the strength to live our true lives, for ourselves, for our children.  May we all find the freedom to love ourselves and everyone around us.  We are all brothers and sisters and we are all beautiful, we just have to give ourselves permission to see it and know it.

May the words that I share open you up to your magnificence and may I capture my experiences in just the right way (with the least rambling as possible!! tee hee) so that it is simple for me and us all to see that life is so much more than doubts, pessimism, lack of time, cloudy days and “he/she is so much better than me.”

Peace and namaste.

Bradlee