Today, right now, I am happy. I am learning that happiness only comes from inside, that the more I blame the outside world for how I am feeling, the more miserable I will be. I am learning that the more I can look inside and know that I am perfect, that I am love, that I am beautiful, that I am gentle and kind, then life will be easier and smoother. I have been so blessed to have so many positive influences in my life lately that have helped show me the way to shine my light and to live from my love and my heart!
My last appointment with the healer and guide our family sees was really pivotal for me. It helped me to see how closed off I still was, how I was still in protection mode and when you are in that mode, you are living in fear and the world becomes scary and then (at least for me), the blame and anger and resentment come and take over. When you can live from your heart, from your love, from your light, you are open, you are receptive, you feel what goes on around you and it passes through, washes right over you. I was slightly reeling, okay not slightly but very reeling after that session. I started to see how and where I was closed off and how that was causing me to be so outwardly blaming, when really what I was doing was feeling vulnerable and small and thinking I needed to protect myself (and my young daughter) from being hurt and feeling rejected. I am learning that I create my experiences of life and that I can spend time giving up my power to thoughts, but that they will always be there, pulling me away from my heart or that I can consciously choose my heart over those thoughts.
I recently found a new self-awareness program called 2baware (www.2baware.net). I came across it when a fellow WordPress user liked one of my posts, so I went to his blog and was astounded! It is super exciting to meet someone else (I am meeting more and more!) who is committed to living a life of fun, of love and of moving away from fear. I had the privilege of trying out the workshop he created as one of the followers of his blog (www.idolanuel.com) and I am super duper enjoying it. It is a 20 day program of self-awareness, that is carried out in this awesome fantasy land and you get to be the main character in it. It has given me so much guidance for looking within, for seeing where I outwardly place blame for my experiences, what I am truly scared of and finding the root of that fear, learning what stories I tell myself and how those limit me in my life and helping me to look at a situation both objectively (I dropped my cup of coffee) and subjectively (I dropped my cup of coffee again, I’m such an idiot, no wonder I can never do anything, and what that really means is that I’m scared no one loves me and I’m worthless). I have so benefited from the objective/subjective exercise! Yesterday I totally panicked because a man was talking to my daughter at the grocery store when I couldn’t be around her. I was feeling like she was threatened and that I couldn’t do anything because I was trying to pay and pack the groceries and I was totally panicking, it was amazing. I was inside, watching myself, saying to myself, “wow you are really freaking out,” but I didn’t feel like I could stop it. I talked to her about it afterwards and I asked her if she was comfortable and she said yes. I told her that she can walk away from anyone if she is uncomfortable and she agreed. I asked her why she had looked uncomfortable and then it dawned on me and I said, “were you uncomfortable because you could feel how much I was trying to protect you,” and she said yes. I was floored. Here was another situation where I was stuck in protection mode. I was grateful to have seen it, then I did the 2baware exercise and I looked at it objectively and I laughed, “A man talked to my daughter at the grocery store.” And then I wrote what I was really feeling and I could see how it was a program, a story, and how it started running the moment that incident happened. I was so grateful to be able to see it, uncomfortable to see what has been running my show for ages, but excited at the same time. There is sometimes that moment of discomfort as I look deep inside and get honest with myself, sometimes I want to run and hide more, but thankfully my desire to be the true me, to live my true life, prevails and I go in deep and take a look. I’d rather do that than be running these useless subconcious programs.
I’m gave the super abridged version of 2baware, but what it comes down to is that it is a brilliant program that has already benefited me tremendously and I’m just on day 8. I am super grateful to have found this workshop when I so really needed it. It was quite divine timing actually and I know it is a true gift. I look forward to more transformations and shifts as I continue for the 20 days. Thank you Ido. If you are looking for a guided and cool way to become more aware, I highly recommend it.
I’ve also started doing Kundalini yoga. I went to the Radiant Child Yoga (www.childrensyoga.com) teacher training in July for my kids class Playing From The Heart: Kids Connect (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com) and I learned Radiant Child Yoga with the founder and creator, Shakta Kaur Khalsa. She is a beautiful and radiant woman, who taught us with all of her experience and creativity and she taught us Kundalini yoga for ourselves at the same time.
The definition of Kundalini yoga from Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kundalini_yoga):
Kundalini yoga is a physical, mental and spiritual discipline for developing strength, awareness, character, and consciousness. Practitioners call Kundalini yoga the yoga of awareness because it focuses primarily on practices that expand sensory awareness and intuition in order to raise individual consciousness and merge it with the Infinite consciousness of God.
I have felt a huge difference in my body and in my awareness both during and after doing this yoga. I’ve been using Shakta’s book: http://www.amazon.ca/Whole-Way-Library-Kundalini-Yoga/dp/0789467704/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1344803015&sr=8-2 and I’m really enjoying it. It is very well laid out and explained, even for a beginner person like me. I’ve done yoga in the past, but not this kind and not regularly. I actually feel a difference in my body, I feel the energy moving through, I feel the tingling, I feel more grounded and more aware and I feel stronger and more limber. I am super excited to have found this and to have committed (and with family discussions!) to find time during the week for me to wake up and start the day by connecting to myself and to the greater of life outside me and within me.
I know this yoga works, but I had confirmation the other day when I did the yoga kriya (yoga set) for “The Essence of Self” and a few minutes later, my 3 year old daughter Zara said, “oh there, now there is more light in our house (she meant light like our inner light and radiance),” and I asked her why and she said, “it’s your light mommy, it’s shining out now and it’s all around the house.” Do you need any more confirmation than that?
Thank you to the universe, for bringing me what I need and the people I’ve needed to continue on this beautiful path of self-awareness, of finding my inner truth and living my true life, instead of that one of fear and hiding that I was trapped in for 31 years. Thank you to everyone who has supported me and loved me, even when I was so scared and so trapped and hiding and locked in fear. With much love and many blessings!!