I see you

Sitting in a dark corner

wishing, hoping, hating.

I see you in the dark.

From where I sit, there

is light all around you,

but you can only see the darkness.

My dear one,

stand up and

step out of the darkness.

With one gentle I love you to your heart,

to your shattered innocence,

it gets easier to stand up.

No more seclusion,

no more punishment and doubt.

Rise up, dear one, rise up

and honour the magnificence that you are.

 

Note from me: my heart gave me these words a few hours after a conversation I had with someone.  I was driving and I felt a lot of pressure in my chest and I realized that I needed to write some words down.  After I wrote them, I felt a lot better and I knew that these words were my heart’s way of sending healing to all those who felt the same as that person I talked to, which is exactly how I used to feel.

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Teach Me

I wrote this poem over a year ago now.  It was when I was at the cusp of learning that I wasn’t in charge of my life, that I could turn it over to something different, to God, to the Universe, to the Creator.  I wasn’t sure how to turn my life over, so I wrote this and I liked it.  It helped me to know that I could metaphorically move over, even though I didn’t quite know how, and allow a greater part of me to steer the ship.

Teach Me

Teach me dear Lord how to share my gifts with the world.

Teach me to walk in the light of divinity’s grace so that others walking near me and around me may find the path to the love that they are.

Teach me to spread breadcrumbs and pebbles of light that will shine with your grace so that others may see the shimmer and find it reflecting out of their hearts and their eyes.

Teach me because I don’t know how and I long to share my gifts.

Teach me.

My heart hears your song in the wind.

My hands long to hold the hands of those lost in the darkness;

to whisper to them to follow the path to the light and

to remind them of their own grace,

your grace.

Teach me to love my own heart so that the love overflows and ripples out to all hearts.

Teach me to be kind to myself so that I have more to give others.

Teach me to surrender and bow to the divinity that courses through me.

Teach me to dance in the full spectrum of light that I am.

Teach me to sing to the oceans with my voice and to drum my praise and gratitude.

Teach me to lead when I don’t know the way.

Teach me to relax and have faith in your everlasting presence and love.

Teach me to be a master so that I may dance, sing, love and embrace all that is.

Teach me to become fully integrated, so that I may welcome home all the lost, banished and shamed parts of myself.

Teach me.

May the waters of heaven wash through me and cleanse my body, spirit, mind and soul.

May the waters of heaven wash through the hearts of all.

May we all sing our songs

once again.

Remembering

The light of the Creator shines in all;

The man serving your pizza

The woman cleaning the toilets at your work

The bus driver who lowers down the bus to help a little old lady climb on more easily.

 

There is that same spark in all of us and

It connects each and every one of us with its warmth

It’s light and it’s limitless possibilities.

 

May the man serving you pizza re-ignite the light within you.

May the smile of the woman cleaning your work toilet spark a remembering within you.

May the bus driver’s small acts of kindness remind you that you deserve the most kindness you can ever give anyone.

Giving myself permission

My husband Robbin and I were having a chat yesterday about our dreams from the night before:

  • My dream: Robbin and I were together and he was crying, telling me how much he has missed me
  • Robbin’s dream: The three of us were together as a family and I was trailing behind, not really participating because I was tired and I was ready to go.

We just casually shared about the dreams, then I went into the bathroom to put something away or to finish cleaning it and I yelled over to the kitchen, “you know Robbin, I’ve always been tired, my whole life!!  I’ve always been tired!!”

Our dreams were showing us what we were leaving behind.  I have had a huge two weeks in terms of self awareness and growth.  I have finally come to see how tired I have been and how fearful I have been of being tired and how that cycle of tired and fear has been controlling me for as long as I can remember.  I think the cycle all revolved around keeping me small and safe, because for so long as a child, I didn’t feel like the world was a safe place and I believed that I was really alone.

With the guidance of the coach that our family sees, I have been able to see these cycles of protection, control, fear and fatigue and they’ve come to a place where they were so obvious that I couldn’t deny them any longer.  There they were:

  • I was planning my life around being tired
  • I was always in fear of being tired and getting sick or overwhelmed
  • I was always scared of not being safe enough, being too vulnerable and small
  • I was controlling the environment around me (including my family and friends) to make sure that I could stay safe and keep our four year old daughter safe.

I’d rather be honest with myself and really look at what has been going on so that I can be free of it.  I don’t want to live a limited life anymore, nor do I want to limit my husband and daughter any longer.  I’m really done with that, it’s been so sad, so scary, so limiting and so resentment causing.  I’ve been resenting people around me who are more free and more open to new opportunities, when I’ve always felt trapped in a little box with super thick walls that I created with the illusion of protecting me and keeping me safe.

All of this has come into my awareness in the past few weeks because in my last healing session, I had a memory come up for me about playing hide and seek when I was a kid.  It was a blessing really, because Zara had been playing hide and seek with her friends and I felt really nervous but didn’t really understand it until the memory presented at my session the next day.

In the memory, I was trapped in a big linen chest, and I remember feeling so scared, so trapped, so helpless, and I felt really alone.  It was a fantastic memory to get to, because it was keeping me so small, it kept me looking through the eyes of that young girl who was scared and terrified.  I was finally able to see how I had such trouble letting my daughter play alone with other kids, that I needed her to be within eye sight so I could make sure she was safe.

It was also somewhat devastating to realize the truth of what I was doing.  I thought I was being a “good parent” by watching her.  In my experience though, being a parent and parenting cannot be defined, it’s really about responding to each situation from the heart and getting to the core of any issues and removing those limiting blocks/memories/emotions so you and your child(ren) can be free.

Thanks to those realization and the growing awareness of what I was doing and why, I have come so far in the past week!

  • I gave Zara some space to play with her friends and she was so comfortable, happy and free!  I even heard her say, “Please stop doing that to me, I don’t like it,” or something along those lines!  I checked in with her once and twice and she was totally fine and was having a blast!  Imagine that!! 
  • I planned an activity/outing for each day of the week, and felt fine!  I was tired occasionally, but I was able to see that I was still safe, that I was never alone!  I was able to use the many tools I have learned to renew my energy and to reconnect to myself to feel good, instead of being locked in being tired and scared.

As a result of all of this, I feel like there is more of me here this week, more of me here to share in the joys of life, more of me to share with myself, my husband, my daughter and my friends.  I am giving myself permission to live my life!!

I continue to marvel at how limited I was and how much more free I get with each time that I look within with Jean’s help (the healer/coach/guide our family sees)!  It seems to me that giving myself the go-ahead to have a blast and be free and know that I am always safe is what I came to this planet to play with and explore.  I’m so happy to have such beautiful people around me to share myself with and to share in the joys of life.  May the walls keep crumbling and may my bright shiny soul fly as I continue to see just how big and strong my wings really are.  I think they may even have bright sparkly feathers:)

Moving beyond roles and labels

I have been so astounded lately at who I really am!  I’ve also been astounded at who I thought I was before and how I tried sooooo hard to put myself into all these different moulds that I thought society, family, friends, teachers and anyone really, wanted me to be.

I had a profound realization this week that I don’t have to be anything or anyone but me.  I don’t need to have a mould that is pre-formed, what if I was just me, and that I was fluid, graceful, formless, without boundaries?  What would happen if I didn’t need to identify with everything society has dictated that we should care about or be?  What if I were to just stop pretending and allow the grace of my light to shine bright and guide me as my true self, without needing to constrict and contort myself any longer?

What if I discovered that I could be a vegan, vegetarian, carnivore, omnivore, whatever-vore all at the same time?  What if I were just to tune into my body on any given day and ask my body what it needs and eat accordingly?  These past two weeks, I have been eating so many vegetables and that was when it hit me, that I could follow the rhythms of my body and be a vegan for a week and then a vegetarian for two, and then eat meat for a week and allow the body to guide me.  What if I didn’t have to limit myself to a category of eating styles?  I was so excited about that realization!!  For years and years, I felt tormented about food choices!  Could I allow myself to be a chocolate bar lover without shame?  Would it be okay if I didn’t only eat organic food?  What if I ate something processed once and awhile?  Would that make me a bad person?  Now I’m seeing that I am free to make my own choices without having to limit myself to a category.  I’ve used food as the example, but it stretches far beyond food.

What if I could clean the house because I enjoy it, not just because I am the woman of the house?  It’s the same for cooking!  What if I could approach all aspects of my life with the same detachment from needing to categorize my behaviors and the roles I play?

Who I am really underneath all the pretense?  Who are we all?

As the shift happens on our planet, the shift to peace, higher levels of consciousness, and opening to our true power, I think we’ll all start dropping the pretenses and we’ll realize that really, we are all the same, we are all wanting to be free, to have the space to create, to experiment, to follow our hearts, to not conform to programs and hard rules, but to be free to fly, to soar, to be.  I am ready to be me, not the me I always thought I had to be me, but the true me, beyond it all!

From the website link (with a very cool poem along the lines of this post: http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/2008/07/you-were-born-t.html)
From the website link (with a very cool poem along the lines of this post: http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/2008/07/you-were-born-t.html)

The traps of parenthood

I’m a relatively new mom all things considered.  My daughter is about to turn 4, but I feel like I’ve learned a life’s worth of lessons with her so far.  Her presence has shown me so many limiting ways of being that I was operating from.  Now that I’ve plunged myself into this journey of self-awareness and awakening to the truth of who I am, I’m seeing more and more how many of those limiting behaviors I still have and I’m seeing more how others are similarly trapped (or more or less so, depending on where they are).

Early on, when Zara was less than 1, I often found myself complaining about her lack of sleep, her lack of doing what I wanted, when I wanted.  It was all around me too, all of us young mothers, complaining to one another, and there were many books out there to support the complaints, such as “how to get your baby to sleep,” “how to whisper to your baby the way this person does,” and the list is endless.  I could have stood at the parenting section for hours and not really known where to start.  It kind of felt like I was being given a chance to start over.  Instead of carrying my life forward from my old ways of being and my old job, where we would work and then complain, work and then complain, I was given the most precious gift of all, a beautiful baby girl with a wise soul, deep eyes and an open heart, who showed me with her presence and her reactions to my behavior and my unconscious energetic rebukes, what I was really doing.  She was giving me a chance to try again, to see if there really was another way to operate, instead of from defense, blame, victimhood and what about me-hood, she was showing me what my actions were doing to her and she was looking at me with those wise eyes, almost as if to say, “I know you can do this, really I do.”

I’ve since come a long way.  In fact, sometimes I’m not even sure I’m the same person who was angry at our little precious one (9 months old is one time I remember) for not going to sleep, and then deciding that if she wasn’t going to go to sleep, then I would turn on the TV and just watch it.  I’ve been learning how to forgive myself lately and whenever those memories of my unconscious behaviors come up and I start to blame myself and feel guilty, I’m learning to be kind to myself and stop, close my eyes and put my hands on my heart and say, “I forgive myself,” out loud.  It feels really good.  I really didn’t know any better, I really was doing the best I could have, and sometimes when I forgive myself audibly like that, I get goose bumps and I know that it’s true, that I’ve really forgiven myself and I’ve chosen self-love over self-beating-up like I used to.

I'm so grateful for Zara and all I've learned from her and the opportunities I've had to go within since she joined us.
I’m so grateful for Zara and all I’ve learned from her and the opportunities I’ve had to go within since she joined us.

I offer some suggestions to those who are/were like me, who are/were trapped in unconscious patterns of relating to the world and to their children, so that they may see that there are options and alternatives instead of just following along.  I offer them from my heart, from my experience, because I think we all want to do the best for our children and we often hate it when we hear those harsh words come out of our mouths or feel ourselves pulling away from our beauties, or even exploding at them.  We’ve all done it and I feel like we can all unite together in this, instead of hiding in shame and learn from one another and most importantly, learn from our children.  We all remember being the child who was yelled at, who was shamed, who was hit or threatened with abuse, we all remember those feelings, let’s assist one another in stopping the unconscious patterns and let’s start honoring ourselves and our children.

Some things that have helped me:

  • Notice how you talk to yourself when you are around your children.  Is there a constant stream of “you little brat, I’m going to make you do this, how could you do this to me, we only have 5 minutes left, what do you mean you have to pee, you just threw your food on the floor, are you (insert swear word here) kidding me?”  From my experience and from reading Eckhart Tolle’s books, all we have to do is notice it to pull out of it.  Sometimes I’ve noticed it so strongly and I have to completely stop what I am doing and lie down and breathe, or I may do something absolutely silly (which was not like me early on) and run around the house 3 times (I learned that from the book “Adventures in Gentle Discipline”) or sing a song.  I do my best not to give up my power to the thoughts in my head, which are not me in the first place.
  • Notice yourself criticizing your children, either directly or behind their backs (especially when they are in hearing range, actually, it’s best to avoid it completely, they’ll sense it anyway).  Children hear and notice everything.  If you are supportive in front of them and then turn around and roll your eyes or slump over in exhaustion so your friends can see (I’ve seen this), they will feel it and notice it.  We are not masters of deception as parents, children are masters of detection, I especially remember this from my childhood.  Ask yourself why you feel like you need to complain about your child, what purpose does it serve?  Does it help people to like you, does it help you to feel like you fit in that way?  I wonder if all parents like to hear others complain about their children and what would happen if one of us parents started saying, “actually it really bothers me to hear you criticize your child, please don’t share those negative comments with me.  I will always support you in finding constructive ways to deal with your situation, but no criticism please.”  I think I may give it a try.  Actually, I’ve already done it and it’s worked!
  • Think about the things you were told as a child: you are fat, you are so useless, you are so stupid, you can’t do anything, you’ve dropped that again, what’s wrong with you, I hate it when you do that to me, etc.  It won’t take long to think about them, because they are stored inside us, in our subconscious minds, like a little program we learned as children, waiting to play over and over again.  Consider what program you want running in your child and speak from there.  For more information about children and their subconscious minds and the beliefs about the self that get stored there, you can check out Bruce Lipton’s, “the Biology of Belief.”  That book was such an intense wake up call for me.  Children even have different types of brain waves until they are 6, and that is so they can soak up as much about the world as possible, including beliefs about the self, and they get those mainly from their parents.  Consider what types of things you say to your child!
  • If your child is always resisting what you are saying, consider why.  From an early age (6 weeks) we followed “diaper free baby”, so that meant we would assist our daughter to pee in a potty, toilet or sink, instead of in her diapers.  It meant that we were in tune with her, noticing her body movements as signals for when she had to go, etc.  It was a really cool process and I’m glad we did it, we didn’t have to wash as many diapers and it meant we didn’t really have to potty train our daughter because she understood what her body needed to do and into where, from a very early age.  I remember putting her on the potty at certain points, maybe when she was 8 months and she would stand up and look at herself in the mirror (I had my hands under her arm pits and the potty was on the counter, so you can picture it!) and she would sing and bounce and marvel at herself.  I felt myself getting so frustrated that she wouldn’t do what I wanted.  I had such strong memories of my father being frustrated at me like that and I could feel the frustration in my entire body.  I tried to “get” her to go, but of course it didn’t work.  None of us like to be forced!!  I read “Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting” and my life and parenting turned right around.  I was mindful and aware of when I was forcing and I was able to pull back and centre myself and sure enough, there was less force, less control and less battles because I had adjusted how I was approaching my parenting.
  • Instead of blame and anger, consider stopping, breathing, getting some fresh air and realizing and knowing that your child is not out to get you, but is there to highlight that which you haven’t wanted to see for a long time:)  Consider thanking your child and moving on from a fresh place.  I’ve had a lot of help in my “moving on” and “letting go” because in my experience of life, it has never been as easy as just saying it and it being done.  I’ve learned about mindful parenting, I’ve learned about gentle discipline, unconditional parenting, making time for myself (still working on that one), allowing myself to say no and meaning it and it being okay, and I’ve also learned about healing and letting go with an energy coach/healer/guide that I see quite regularly, and through techniques my husband has learned on his own path of reclaiming his life (reconnective healing and heartmath, http://www.healandevolve.ca).  I’ve also learned that yoga, nature walks with my family and friends and dancing are very therapeutic and enjoyable for me.

I think there are traps in parenthood and I think they are there for a wonderful reason, just as our children chose us for a wonderful reason, to help us see the truth of who we are and so that we may honor and love them and allow them to flourish and shine the way they intended when they came to this beautiful planet.

These are pictures of me that Zara took.  I was doing "I Am Happy, I Am Good" (please see www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com for info, it's a Radiant Child Yoga song), and she was cracking me up because she was coaching me along to do it with more emphasis and feeling.  It was a riot.  I've come a long, long way.  I'm really proud of me.
These are pictures of me that Zara took. I was doing “I Am Happy, I Am Good” (please see http://www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com for info, it’s a Radiant Child Yoga song), and she was cracking me up because she was coaching me along to do it with more emphasis and feeling. It was a riot. I’ve come a long, long way. I’m really proud of me.

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How To Talk To Kids

I’m 32.  I remember being a kid and wanting to be treated with respect and I wanted to be a part of the adult conversations.  I didn’t feel like I was a kid who couldn’t be part of the adult world!

I am reminded of this when I go out in the world with our three year old daughter and I hear some of the bizarre ways that people speak to her. I wonder if most of us forget what it is like to be a kid?  Do we forget that we didn’t like mean tricks, or when people tried to fool us or demean us or treat us like we didn’t know anything, or tell us that we were just selfish by nature instead of beautiful beings of light here to enlighten the world?   Did we forget that we don’t need to treat children as separate little beings who don’t know anything!!  That is exactly what we didn’t appreciate as little ones!

Here are some examples of what people have said to our daughter:

-“Oh that’s a nice hat, can I have it?  Can you give it to me so I can take it home?”

-“That’s a great teddy, I’m going to take it home with me, okay?”

-“You’d better be good while you are in here, you’d better be good,” (she was relaxing beautifully in a kid’s chair in a spa, and she had just told me she was feeling as light as a star!)

Here is how our daughter has responded, in the same order:

-“No.”

-“No.”

“I don’t like it when you talk to me like that.”

I was and am SOOOO PROUD of her.  Not to make this about me though.  She is teaching the world about how to talk to kids each time she does that, she is saying, “hey, respect please, don’t fool me and get me to give you my things, and don’t manipulate me and tell me how to act in a spa when I am a paying customer and am quietly enjoying myself!  How about you have a conversation with me because I am capable of that, despite my young age.”   In fact, an older gentleman so appreciated speaking to her one day when we were in line at the cash, that he bought her a chocolate bar, and she had just turned 3 a week before that!  I wrote about it in an older post, “Taking Candy From a Stranger.”

She is so inspiring!  She is helping me to see that I don’t need to fear speaking up for myself, that I don’t need to fear what may happen if she speaks up for herself and that I don’t need to worry about what people think of her or me.  Enough is enough, as she often says.  Let’s honor the children!  We were once children!   Let’s remember the truth of ourselves as people!

Thank you to Zara, our three our old beauty, our teacher and inspiration.