Me – A Poem

In the name of celebrating me and welcoming home all of me, I wrote this poem about myself.  May I remember each day to honour and cherish the one I am, and may this poem inspire you to do the same. 

We are all worthy and we all matter, we just have to remember that no one can make us believe that we are worthy and that we matter, we have to be ready to step into ourselves, one little step at a time, and then we’ll always know our worth. 

Me – A Poem

A golden, elegant light shines brightly.

It calls to others with its brilliance, peace and patience.

It says

There is nothing to fear dear one,

It is safe for you to come home now.

It opens its arms wide and from its heart

Shines a swirling rainbow of shimmering light

And all who see it melt into the tenderness

Of their own hearts and

Remember that they too are brilliant

Beautiful and golden.

 

The light shines from within me.

I see it in the ever increasing softness in my face

In the tender and sweet curves of my body

And in my gentle and caring smile.

My body grows stronger and gentler

From basking in the light of its own soul.

 

I am a woman

I am strength

I am power

I am gentleness

I am the whisper and the yell

I am the waterfall and the beautiful pool at the bottom where the water rests after its tremendous and crashing descent

I am an angel

 

I am the one who holds a lantern and calls to those lost in the pits of despair and hell.

Come follow me, I say.

Come follow me.

I am only going to lead you home to heaven, for it lies within your own heart

And it has been waiting for you all along to turn inward.

I can show you the way, because I know it from having suffered.

Follow me dear one, you are safe now.

 

I am emerging and learning.

I am grace in form.

Namaste.

 

 

 

The end of living a “falsely perfect” life

I have been striving to live a perfect life for a very long time.  While I am only 36 years old, I feel much older at times because of the weight that this need for perfection has been on my shoulders and heart.

Over the last few weeks I have felt angry.  I have felt angry at myself for pushing down my power and my strength, all in the name of living this falsely perfect life that had no need or want for power or strength. I defined “falsely perfect” as the need to always be nice, to be able to say that “yes, things are great,” whenever asked, to not ever get mad or be “mean, and to have things so perfectly organized and arranged so that I could feel good. What I have started to see is how exhausting this way of living has been for me, as well as limiting and frustrating!

I was lying in bed this morning and I felt myself lifting up inside, like I was being lifted to a higher level of awareness and freedom and potential.  A few hours later, I was seething mad, like I wanted to yell and scream and break things, so when I lay down to rest and breathe, I said, “I surrender this false and limiting way of living.  I surrender the belief that only certain ways of existing are perfect.  I surrender the inner critic and judge.”  I was also feeling what it felt like as I was saying those things, so I was using my feelings as guide about what to do.  It was amazing because it was like all the anger I have felt about forcing myself to live in this falsely perfect was guiding me to free myself.  It was like that part of me rose up and helped me to say, “ENOUGH,” and that gave me the knowledge and strength to free myself from this pretend prison and to welcome back all parts of me.

I saw myself smashing down those prison walls and I felt rising, falling and melting within me, almost like the parts of me that I was surrendering (and the prison walls) were being absorbed, pulled into my heart, bounced around, healed and released to be free.

Ahhhh, deep breath : )

Here I am, an hour after crashing down my prison walls and I felt the need to write about it.  I feel like I have all of this energy within me and it still wants to crash through life and push things out of the way, because it’s been buried down deep within me for so long.  I am so interested and keen to get to know these parts of myself, and get to know their passions and interests and desires!   I feel like I unknowingly buried my strength and power in an attempt to live a “good girl” kind of life, and now all I care about is living authentically and crashing down all the walls of falsehood that exist within me and around me.  I know I won’t physically crash things down, but I think that me and my newfound power and strength will become good friends and that I will have much renewed energy in the coming days, weeks and months as this change settles within me.  I am very excited to see what happens in my life as I meet each new day and each breath with a more integrated and united me.

May we all be blessed with the clarity to see where we have been unknowingly limiting ourselves and with the courage to break down those walls!

 

 

 

Hourglass of Humanity

Hourglass of Humanity

To the parts of me that are peeling away and who feel unsafe about where the shedding will take them, I love you.

To the parts of me who feel so broken and unravelling and who don’t know where to go or what to do or how to act, I love you.

To the waves of emotions that wash through me, both gently and with full force, I love you.

I am learning to be the observer of all that happens within me and through me and around me, but the ones who are merging, shedding, peeling away and molting are unsure about how to do this.

Is it me I am feeling or just the waves of emotions that all humans feel?

I do think we are connected through our feelings and through our truest and deepest natures. It’s like we’re an hour glass, collectively and individually, and we feel it when the sand moves from one side to the other, kind of like how humanity is moving from living unconsciously to living more consciously, but the hour glass keeps flipping throughout that evolution, so that we can have the ultimate experience of growth, both personally and collectively.

Today, the hour glass has flipped and I am feeling that despair, that pain, fatigue and exhaustion. By writing this though, I feel better.  The hour glass will tip again and I can watch the grains of sand pouring through me, no matter what they bring along with them to be witnessed, observed and loved.

Peace to you and to all.

Note from me: I wrote this nearly two months ago and it helped me to be more patient, loving and understanding with myself as I was flipping back and forth between feeling blissful and lost. I can sense that I will expand on this topic in the near future as I have more insights from going through this!  May it help you! Namaste!!!

 

A new beginning

It has been nearly two years since I wrote on this blog.  I was (and still am) undergoing huge changes in my life and I needed a break from putting my thoughts out for others to read.  It was an intensely beautiful time of sharing my thoughts with myself, and starting to feel and know myself from a place of more kindness, instead of always wanting to get to the next healing and next place inside that was broken.

Today is June 24, 2016 and it feels like a remarkable day, like a day for a new beginning, once that has already started, and possibly started way before I was born.  Today, I listened to my heart, that so sweetly and preciously encouraged me to contact my colleagues to see if I could start teaching yoga and breathing and relaxation sessions at work.  I have done similar activities in the past, but this step forward was different.  I felt it rise up from within me, with no regard for judgement from others or fear about what others might think of me.  It was like a deep power rose up from within me, a passionate power that was ready to shine and share its gifts with the world. It was an honour to feel that strength and passion and to fully connect with it and allow it to guide me.  I recently met a part of me that has been shut off from my awareness for what feels like hundreds of years.  It is a part of me that is passionate, vulnerable and willing to be open and fearless.  I wasn’t able to recognize it at all at first, but it spoke to me urgently, asking me to pay attention, to nurture it, to acknowledge it, to welcome it back home into my heart.  I figured that out this past Tuesday and there has been a growing opening within me, where that passion and freedom is taking root and is helping me spread my wings.  It is both awe inspiring and slightly scary, because it has no regard for limitations, fears, or anything that has held me back before.  It is also humbling, because I feel that the timing is so beautiful and that life is holding me so tenderly and preciously so that I can accept the amazing gifts of passion and courage that have been locked away within me, waiting for this very time in my life.

May you know it is safe for you to shine too, just as I am allowing that safety to envelop me during this highly transformational time.  Many blessings of peace, love, courage and faith to you.

Look Up

The other morning on the walk to work, I realized that it really helps me when I look up when I walk.  It helps me get out of the thoughts I’m stuck in, and helps me see the bigger perspective within and around me.  I remembered that this morning and the walk turned into a very profound experience!  I wrote some words that came to me while I was walking and finished it at my desk:)

Look Up              

When I am stuck in the mind while I am walking to work, I look up.

When I look up, the world shows me how much bigger I am than thoughts.

When I look up, the thoughts diminish, and the true beauty and power of the Earth astounds me, stops the thoughts in their tracks, and I breathe.

When I look up, the trees and their tops guide me and lead me with their strength, stability, silence and stillness.

When I look up, I remember who I really am.

When I look up, there is movement in the clouds and light pouring down, and I remember that I am more than I ever could understand or know.

When I look up, I remember that the Earth is my Mother, the Sun is my Father, the Wind is my Brother, and the Water is my Sister.

When I look up, I remember that no matter how disconnected people are from the truth of their being, the planet remembers, and she remembers for us and does what she can to remind us with her beauty, grace and resilience, in the way that children do.  I am reminded that no matter how much we seek to destroy ourselves, others and our planet, Mother Earth is with us, leading the way, showing us the truth, that we and she are indestructible, that on the inside, we are glowing with light, love and power, just as she is in her core, and that we can learn to tap into our core, our light too. 

When I feel myself slipping, I look up, breathe and remember and am grateful for our planet and the beautiful way she reminds me so gently, so peacefully, so gracefully, that I am majestic, just as she is.

Thank you Mother.
 _______________
The Journey of Tunuri and the Blue Deer by James Endredy helped me remind me of my Earth family.

Giving myself permission

My husband Robbin and I were having a chat yesterday about our dreams from the night before:

  • My dream: Robbin and I were together and he was crying, telling me how much he has missed me
  • Robbin’s dream: The three of us were together as a family and I was trailing behind, not really participating because I was tired and I was ready to go.

We just casually shared about the dreams, then I went into the bathroom to put something away or to finish cleaning it and I yelled over to the kitchen, “you know Robbin, I’ve always been tired, my whole life!!  I’ve always been tired!!”

Our dreams were showing us what we were leaving behind.  I have had a huge two weeks in terms of self awareness and growth.  I have finally come to see how tired I have been and how fearful I have been of being tired and how that cycle of tired and fear has been controlling me for as long as I can remember.  I think the cycle all revolved around keeping me small and safe, because for so long as a child, I didn’t feel like the world was a safe place and I believed that I was really alone.

With the guidance of the coach that our family sees, I have been able to see these cycles of protection, control, fear and fatigue and they’ve come to a place where they were so obvious that I couldn’t deny them any longer.  There they were:

  • I was planning my life around being tired
  • I was always in fear of being tired and getting sick or overwhelmed
  • I was always scared of not being safe enough, being too vulnerable and small
  • I was controlling the environment around me (including my family and friends) to make sure that I could stay safe and keep our four year old daughter safe.

I’d rather be honest with myself and really look at what has been going on so that I can be free of it.  I don’t want to live a limited life anymore, nor do I want to limit my husband and daughter any longer.  I’m really done with that, it’s been so sad, so scary, so limiting and so resentment causing.  I’ve been resenting people around me who are more free and more open to new opportunities, when I’ve always felt trapped in a little box with super thick walls that I created with the illusion of protecting me and keeping me safe.

All of this has come into my awareness in the past few weeks because in my last healing session, I had a memory come up for me about playing hide and seek when I was a kid.  It was a blessing really, because Zara had been playing hide and seek with her friends and I felt really nervous but didn’t really understand it until the memory presented at my session the next day.

In the memory, I was trapped in a big linen chest, and I remember feeling so scared, so trapped, so helpless, and I felt really alone.  It was a fantastic memory to get to, because it was keeping me so small, it kept me looking through the eyes of that young girl who was scared and terrified.  I was finally able to see how I had such trouble letting my daughter play alone with other kids, that I needed her to be within eye sight so I could make sure she was safe.

It was also somewhat devastating to realize the truth of what I was doing.  I thought I was being a “good parent” by watching her.  In my experience though, being a parent and parenting cannot be defined, it’s really about responding to each situation from the heart and getting to the core of any issues and removing those limiting blocks/memories/emotions so you and your child(ren) can be free.

Thanks to those realization and the growing awareness of what I was doing and why, I have come so far in the past week!

  • I gave Zara some space to play with her friends and she was so comfortable, happy and free!  I even heard her say, “Please stop doing that to me, I don’t like it,” or something along those lines!  I checked in with her once and twice and she was totally fine and was having a blast!  Imagine that!! 
  • I planned an activity/outing for each day of the week, and felt fine!  I was tired occasionally, but I was able to see that I was still safe, that I was never alone!  I was able to use the many tools I have learned to renew my energy and to reconnect to myself to feel good, instead of being locked in being tired and scared.

As a result of all of this, I feel like there is more of me here this week, more of me here to share in the joys of life, more of me to share with myself, my husband, my daughter and my friends.  I am giving myself permission to live my life!!

I continue to marvel at how limited I was and how much more free I get with each time that I look within with Jean’s help (the healer/coach/guide our family sees)!  It seems to me that giving myself the go-ahead to have a blast and be free and know that I am always safe is what I came to this planet to play with and explore.  I’m so happy to have such beautiful people around me to share myself with and to share in the joys of life.  May the walls keep crumbling and may my bright shiny soul fly as I continue to see just how big and strong my wings really are.  I think they may even have bright sparkly feathers:)

What our experiences can teach us if we are willing to see it

I think we’ve all heard, “it happened for a reason,” about an experience that we are going through or have gone through.  Sometimes that statement can be so obviously true, or super infuriating if the experience is what we may deem as horrible and painful, and it may lead us to wonder what we have done to “deserve it.”

The guide that I’ve been going to see for nearly two years now to clear out all the old energies, karma, emotions and memories, has been repeating several truths to me and I’m starting to get that our experiences can teach us and show us that which we haven’t wanted to see, if we can allow it and be willing to look deeper.

Last week, I got off the bed in our spare room, stepped onto the floor and a sharp, stabbing pain filled my foot!  I screamed out really loudly and I was scared about what could have caused it. I felt the panic rising in my chest and I was nervous.  I gently took my sock off and there was a small piece of wood sticking out of it.  I’ve had splinters before, but this seemed more like  a shard of wood or something and it frightened me even more.  My husband wasn’t home and I realized I was going to have to deal with it myself, which I rarely have done in my life.  My Dad was always my splinter remover and that job just fell to my husband since he was good at it.  I never questioned it, but just said to myself, “ya, I must go to a man to get my splinter removed.”  Ha, I’m laughing as I type this because that thought was so true.

I hopped over to the bathroom to get some tweezers and I was really starting to feel like a victim by the time I got there.  Despite all the tools I have learned for connecting to myself, breathing deeply, acknowledging the fear and feeling it, I was in panic mode and no tool thoughts were able to enter through the panic I was feeling.  I grabbed the tweezers and yanked it out.  It was still really throbbing and painful and I lay on the bed and tried to come deeper into my body and to send some love to where the pain was. It was only after the piece of wood was out that I was able to start using some tools, but the panic had taken over and it was slower going than if I had connected to myself right away.  That’s okay, it was all part of what I was meant to learn and see.

I limped a fair bit on and off for nearly a week, so I figured that there must be another piece of wood in my foot, which kind of kept me in a slight fear mode for that entire week.  Finally, the day came when I walked and the pain was so excruciating that I knew that there must be more wood in there and that my body had been working so hard to push it closer to the surface for me. I had probed around with the tweezers when I initially took it out but I hadn’t been able to see anything.  So, after feeling that pain at the end of the week, I knew that I would have to break through the skin (yikes!) and pull out the beast!

Robbin (my husband) and I were armed with tweezers, nail clippers and needles to try to get it out, and I was squirming and too scared to let Robbin try to take it out.  I tried myself and I felt a lot of “this is so hard, this is going to hurt, I can’t do this,” thoughts and energies moving through my body, so I stopped and breathed and connected to myself.  I thought then that I could let Robbin do it, but it was like I just couldn’t, so I decided to try it myself again.  It got a little easier and less scary, and then I stopped and realized that the reason why this happened to me was so that I could take back my power from splinters and from my body being hurt and hoping/asking that others take care of me.  I mentioned that to Robbin and I felt much lighter inside.  I was able to really dig out the thick skin (yikes, but this time it was much less of a yikes) and then I was able to grab it. I breathed, got the tweezers ready and I pulled it out.  It was sooooo long and thick, it was crazy!  It was an inch long and a millimetre thick at one end and likely a millimetre and a half at the other end.  I exclaimed out loud about it and then I didn’t want to look at it!  Robbin encouraged me to, to look at it, appreciate what my body had gone through, and what a personal victory I had just achieved in its removal.  I looked at it from that perspective and marvelled at it and I felt so free, so happy, so empowered!  It was the biggest splinter I’d ever seen and I was able to see the lesson it had for me and I was able to free myself from the grip of “help me, I don’t know what to do, I can’t do this by myself.”  Hooray!

I took out the garbage that night and it was really cold and refreshing and I got to the end of the driveway and I looked around and then I was overwhelmingly compelled to run up and down the driveway pumping my arms in the air and yelling, “I did it, yes I did it!”  Tee hee, I don’t think anyone saw me, but if they had, they would have joined me I’m sure!

I hope to keep getting the secret messages that my life’s experiences have to share with me!