The end of living a “falsely perfect” life

I have been striving to live a perfect life for a very long time.  While I am only 36 years old, I feel much older at times because of the weight that this need for perfection has been on my shoulders and heart.

Over the last few weeks I have felt angry.  I have felt angry at myself for pushing down my power and my strength, all in the name of living this falsely perfect life that had no need or want for power or strength. I defined “falsely perfect” as the need to always be nice, to be able to say that “yes, things are great,” whenever asked, to not ever get mad or be “mean, and to have things so perfectly organized and arranged so that I could feel good. What I have started to see is how exhausting this way of living has been for me, as well as limiting and frustrating!

I was lying in bed this morning and I felt myself lifting up inside, like I was being lifted to a higher level of awareness and freedom and potential.  A few hours later, I was seething mad, like I wanted to yell and scream and break things, so when I lay down to rest and breathe, I said, “I surrender this false and limiting way of living.  I surrender the belief that only certain ways of existing are perfect.  I surrender the inner critic and judge.”  I was also feeling what it felt like as I was saying those things, so I was using my feelings as guide about what to do.  It was amazing because it was like all the anger I have felt about forcing myself to live in this falsely perfect was guiding me to free myself.  It was like that part of me rose up and helped me to say, “ENOUGH,” and that gave me the knowledge and strength to free myself from this pretend prison and to welcome back all parts of me.

I saw myself smashing down those prison walls and I felt rising, falling and melting within me, almost like the parts of me that I was surrendering (and the prison walls) were being absorbed, pulled into my heart, bounced around, healed and released to be free.

Ahhhh, deep breath : )

Here I am, an hour after crashing down my prison walls and I felt the need to write about it.  I feel like I have all of this energy within me and it still wants to crash through life and push things out of the way, because it’s been buried down deep within me for so long.  I am so interested and keen to get to know these parts of myself, and get to know their passions and interests and desires!   I feel like I unknowingly buried my strength and power in an attempt to live a “good girl” kind of life, and now all I care about is living authentically and crashing down all the walls of falsehood that exist within me and around me.  I know I won’t physically crash things down, but I think that me and my newfound power and strength will become good friends and that I will have much renewed energy in the coming days, weeks and months as this change settles within me.  I am very excited to see what happens in my life as I meet each new day and each breath with a more integrated and united me.

May we all be blessed with the clarity to see where we have been unknowingly limiting ourselves and with the courage to break down those walls!

 

 

 

The beginning of living free from co-dependency

Co-dependent living is the main way I have lived.  What it means is that I have mostly lived based on other people’s experiences of life.  More specifically, if someone I was with was mad, it was hard for me not to be mad.  If someone was feeling dismal about the state of affairs in their life, it was hard for me not to join them.

I remember one instance more than 10 years ago when our group at work moved offices and one of my colleagues was very grumpy and frustrated about all the things that went wrong.  I hadn’t set out to be grumpy, but I remember somehow watching myself grow grumpier and grumpier and there was this awareness in me that was watching me do that, but I didn’t feel like I could choose my own experience.  In a way, I was co-dependent; I was unable to determine and decide how I wanted to approach the situation, I was caught in her reaction, literally feeling choice-less.

It wasn’t until early last week that I started seeing how I could make a choice about how I experienced each situation, instead of only relying on others to show me how I should respond/react/handle a specific circumstance.  Last week, I was with my daughter and I realised that I was getting panicky and overwhelmed and that was my default way of handling the situation.  From within, I somehow stopped, breathed and decided that I could have my own experience of the situation and that the feelings of overwhelm and panic were trying to guide me, to show me that I was outside of my own experience.  They were like signposts.  None of it had anything to do with my daughter, she was acting perfectly fine, but my response showed me that I was outside of myself and that I could come back to me and make my own choices about how to handle the situation.  It was really like an aha moment, where I could see the reality of what was going on and literally take a step back and reclaim my life from my default way of experiencing it.

Through that small realisation and change in relating to the world, things now seem easier.  I somehow found it easier to talk about my opinions and feelings, without being scared, most likely because my well-being was tied up in how others were going to react to a situation any longer.  It was like I gave myself some space and permission to be more me; to know that it was safe to be me and that I didn’t have to gauge my well-being based on how others are experiencing life all around me, but solely based on how well I could stay with myself and inside of my own experience, instead of abandoning myself for the sake of how other people were reacting.

It is funny, because I feel like life has given me a myriad of unique experiences in the past two weeks, almost as a way to nudge me back to myself, so that I could find the peace that could come from having my own experience of life.  Yesterday and today, I literally felt myself going into someone else’s experience (and because I am quite sensitive to energy and feelings, I also felt them coming into me), and I was able to make the decision to come back to me, and make a choice about what was best for me in my experience.  It was so effortless and instinctive!  I really am grateful for life for guiding me here and to all the beautiful people who are playing various roles in my life, helping me to turn around, breathe and to choose me. Through choosing me, I am learning to deeply love myself, so that more of me can emerge and shine through, which is such a gift that I can then share with others in return.

May we all be blessed with the clarity to choose love for ourselves!  May we all be blessed with the courage to have our own experiences and to love ourselves when that isn’t possible.

What if your pain is golden?

What if your pain is calling out to you?

What if your pain is you, trying to get your own attention?

What if your pain represents all parts of you that were deemed unacceptable, unworthy, or wrong?

What if your pain is really just you, trying to come home to you?

 

May we all open our hearts wide to our pain,

to the lost, banished and shamed parts of ourselves,

to the aspects of self who are so desperate to come home that they hurt and we hurt.

 

May we all open our eyes and senses to what our bodies are telling us,

to the messages hidden within the pain

to the longing to stop seeking outside for a resolution and to turn around and find the answers

within ourselves.

 

Like riddles and puzzles our pain calls to us;

it gives us clues to solve the simple mysteries

of coming home to ourselves and uniting

within ourselves.

 

May we all be blessed with the courage to say,

“Pain I love you.

I welcome you.

I honour your mysteries

and I ask you to share with me

so that I may love you as me

and welcome you home into my heart.”

 

As we take these bold steps toward loving everything that

happens in our experience, may all hearts be touched by our

courage,

our bravery

and our deep desire to be in harmony within ourselves and

with life, no matter what circumstances occur.

 

May we rise up as the divine beings we truly are

and embrace our pain as the secret messenger of our

innocence, purity, power and everlasting love.

 

– Written in honour of Matt Kahn’s pure teachings of love

Jumping

It felt really good to write this 10 days ago!!

“Oh my goodness.

I am sooooo tired.
I am tired from thousands of years of trying too hard, of worrying what other people think, of wanting to do the best for others that I always can.
I get it now, I really do, and I am ready to go with the flow of life and to stop trying so damn hard.
Take me in life, whether I float or not is not even an issue, just take me, I am yours and I am willing to go where you want me to go, with ease, grace and humility and no complaints about twists and turns or unexpected outcomes or feelings or experiences.
Take me in, I am ready.
I love myself too much not to be ready.
I’m jumping.”

Moving beyond roles and labels

I have been so astounded lately at who I really am!  I’ve also been astounded at who I thought I was before and how I tried sooooo hard to put myself into all these different moulds that I thought society, family, friends, teachers and anyone really, wanted me to be.

I had a profound realization this week that I don’t have to be anything or anyone but me.  I don’t need to have a mould that is pre-formed, what if I was just me, and that I was fluid, graceful, formless, without boundaries?  What would happen if I didn’t need to identify with everything society has dictated that we should care about or be?  What if I were to just stop pretending and allow the grace of my light to shine bright and guide me as my true self, without needing to constrict and contort myself any longer?

What if I discovered that I could be a vegan, vegetarian, carnivore, omnivore, whatever-vore all at the same time?  What if I were just to tune into my body on any given day and ask my body what it needs and eat accordingly?  These past two weeks, I have been eating so many vegetables and that was when it hit me, that I could follow the rhythms of my body and be a vegan for a week and then a vegetarian for two, and then eat meat for a week and allow the body to guide me.  What if I didn’t have to limit myself to a category of eating styles?  I was so excited about that realization!!  For years and years, I felt tormented about food choices!  Could I allow myself to be a chocolate bar lover without shame?  Would it be okay if I didn’t only eat organic food?  What if I ate something processed once and awhile?  Would that make me a bad person?  Now I’m seeing that I am free to make my own choices without having to limit myself to a category.  I’ve used food as the example, but it stretches far beyond food.

What if I could clean the house because I enjoy it, not just because I am the woman of the house?  It’s the same for cooking!  What if I could approach all aspects of my life with the same detachment from needing to categorize my behaviors and the roles I play?

Who I am really underneath all the pretense?  Who are we all?

As the shift happens on our planet, the shift to peace, higher levels of consciousness, and opening to our true power, I think we’ll all start dropping the pretenses and we’ll realize that really, we are all the same, we are all wanting to be free, to have the space to create, to experiment, to follow our hearts, to not conform to programs and hard rules, but to be free to fly, to soar, to be.  I am ready to be me, not the me I always thought I had to be me, but the true me, beyond it all!

From the website link (with a very cool poem along the lines of this post: http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/2008/07/you-were-born-t.html)
From the website link (with a very cool poem along the lines of this post: http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/2008/07/you-were-born-t.html)

What our experiences can teach us if we are willing to see it

I think we’ve all heard, “it happened for a reason,” about an experience that we are going through or have gone through.  Sometimes that statement can be so obviously true, or super infuriating if the experience is what we may deem as horrible and painful, and it may lead us to wonder what we have done to “deserve it.”

The guide that I’ve been going to see for nearly two years now to clear out all the old energies, karma, emotions and memories, has been repeating several truths to me and I’m starting to get that our experiences can teach us and show us that which we haven’t wanted to see, if we can allow it and be willing to look deeper.

Last week, I got off the bed in our spare room, stepped onto the floor and a sharp, stabbing pain filled my foot!  I screamed out really loudly and I was scared about what could have caused it. I felt the panic rising in my chest and I was nervous.  I gently took my sock off and there was a small piece of wood sticking out of it.  I’ve had splinters before, but this seemed more like  a shard of wood or something and it frightened me even more.  My husband wasn’t home and I realized I was going to have to deal with it myself, which I rarely have done in my life.  My Dad was always my splinter remover and that job just fell to my husband since he was good at it.  I never questioned it, but just said to myself, “ya, I must go to a man to get my splinter removed.”  Ha, I’m laughing as I type this because that thought was so true.

I hopped over to the bathroom to get some tweezers and I was really starting to feel like a victim by the time I got there.  Despite all the tools I have learned for connecting to myself, breathing deeply, acknowledging the fear and feeling it, I was in panic mode and no tool thoughts were able to enter through the panic I was feeling.  I grabbed the tweezers and yanked it out.  It was still really throbbing and painful and I lay on the bed and tried to come deeper into my body and to send some love to where the pain was. It was only after the piece of wood was out that I was able to start using some tools, but the panic had taken over and it was slower going than if I had connected to myself right away.  That’s okay, it was all part of what I was meant to learn and see.

I limped a fair bit on and off for nearly a week, so I figured that there must be another piece of wood in my foot, which kind of kept me in a slight fear mode for that entire week.  Finally, the day came when I walked and the pain was so excruciating that I knew that there must be more wood in there and that my body had been working so hard to push it closer to the surface for me. I had probed around with the tweezers when I initially took it out but I hadn’t been able to see anything.  So, after feeling that pain at the end of the week, I knew that I would have to break through the skin (yikes!) and pull out the beast!

Robbin (my husband) and I were armed with tweezers, nail clippers and needles to try to get it out, and I was squirming and too scared to let Robbin try to take it out.  I tried myself and I felt a lot of “this is so hard, this is going to hurt, I can’t do this,” thoughts and energies moving through my body, so I stopped and breathed and connected to myself.  I thought then that I could let Robbin do it, but it was like I just couldn’t, so I decided to try it myself again.  It got a little easier and less scary, and then I stopped and realized that the reason why this happened to me was so that I could take back my power from splinters and from my body being hurt and hoping/asking that others take care of me.  I mentioned that to Robbin and I felt much lighter inside.  I was able to really dig out the thick skin (yikes, but this time it was much less of a yikes) and then I was able to grab it. I breathed, got the tweezers ready and I pulled it out.  It was sooooo long and thick, it was crazy!  It was an inch long and a millimetre thick at one end and likely a millimetre and a half at the other end.  I exclaimed out loud about it and then I didn’t want to look at it!  Robbin encouraged me to, to look at it, appreciate what my body had gone through, and what a personal victory I had just achieved in its removal.  I looked at it from that perspective and marvelled at it and I felt so free, so happy, so empowered!  It was the biggest splinter I’d ever seen and I was able to see the lesson it had for me and I was able to free myself from the grip of “help me, I don’t know what to do, I can’t do this by myself.”  Hooray!

I took out the garbage that night and it was really cold and refreshing and I got to the end of the driveway and I looked around and then I was overwhelmingly compelled to run up and down the driveway pumping my arms in the air and yelling, “I did it, yes I did it!”  Tee hee, I don’t think anyone saw me, but if they had, they would have joined me I’m sure!

I hope to keep getting the secret messages that my life’s experiences have to share with me!

Getting in touch with my soul through dancing!!

What a weekend!!

Well!  If you had asked me if I was going to:

  •  spontaneously go to a Groove Method (www.thegroovemethod.com) dance class Friday night,
  •  have the time of my life,
  •  move my body in the first real exercise I’ve done since before I was pregnant,
  •  feel like I was connecting with my true self through dance and,
  •  then very firmly decide to register for the Groove Method facilitator course that was taking place the next two days,

I would have said you were crazy!

Here are some reasons why I would have said you were crazy:

  • I have only left my daughter to be put to sleep by people other than me once (I have had some deeeeeeep abandonment fears to work through, soon enough I will get them posted in the My Healings section of my blog to give context to where I am now and how much I have let go of.  There is one there now, but many more to come!)
  • I have never left my daughter for more than 3 hours in a day and I was going to be gone from 8:30-5:30pm both days!
  • I am not a fitness instructor (but I’ve always loved to dance)
  • I hadn’t yet given my self permission, or even realized that I hadn’t, to be anything other than a mom to a young child or a wife.

So there you go.  Because of the last healing I had a week and a half ago (it’s currently the only one in the My Healings section of this blog!), I was able to see how little control I’ve always felt like I had over my life.  It’s been such a long time coming that lesson, holy moly!  If you had only ever known me, you might have said, wow, here is this girl who is happy, who seems like she’s got it made, but inside, I’ve always felt stuck, sad and alone.  Crazy, it just never really matched up, I kind of felt like a walking dichotomy, but since I’ve been doing this healing work, I’ve let go of emotions and welcomed in more of my true self, the happy person I truly am (we are all this happy inside, this magnificent inside, it can seem to hard to belief, trust me I know this, but it’s true).

All that being said, after this last healing, I kept seeing how I had sooo limited myself at home, how stuck I was making myself, even though I was the one unconsciously doing it, my daughter certainly never said, “mommy, you can’t have any activities or any thing outside of the home,” and neither did my awesome husband, but I had put that on myself and it was really starting to limit me.  It was creating an internal confusion, as well as a building resentment I really didn’t want to feel towards my family.  That healing helped me to see that I could give myself permission to make my own choices, that I had control, that I could take back my power from my earlier life experiences where I surrendered to the masses, to what was expected of me instead of what I wanted.  And now, I’m seeing how freeing that can be for me and in turn, for my family.  So I went for it.  I signed up for the class!  YES!!!!!  Thank goodness.  And because I had done the healing, I was able to leave for the evening on Friday and all of Saturday and Sunday without feeling the guilt and fears that Zara would feel abandoned (and of course she was more than fine!).  Had I not done the healing, I would have gone (possibly) but I would likely have been plagued by all the doubts, guilt and fears.  Not this weekend!  And it was a blast!  I have to share about this dancing!!

My dancing soul this weekend! I wish this was a picture of me! Tee hee, it's not, but it's sure a representation of how I felt this weekend. It's a photo from imagekind.com

The Groove Method!!  Wow!  It’s a type of dance where the instructor guides the participants through different songs and they coach a few moves per song, and then they coach the participants to dance the move their own way. So everyone in the class is united in the movement, but everyone is making the same movement unique by expressing themselves through the movements. In essence, it allows the participants to get in touch with their true selves and to express that through their dancing.  It couldn’t be more applicable to my current work in this healing and expressing myself!  I was soooo grateful for this opportunity, to dance, to socialize, to be among other women, to share some stories, hear some stories, share laughs, giggles, fears and tears.  It was so wonderful.  It was the first thing I’ve had just for me and I loved it.  It was a chance for me to be out and to learn something for me, to test myself out in the world as my true self, as Bradlee, instead of as Bradlee with her family out and about, or Bradlee out with Zara, and as Bradlee, without as many fears and limiting beliefs, etc.

I would say that one of the most beautiful gifts that has come out of all of this healing work for me is my new found ability to accept and love others and to see their true selves.  I always had this judgmental commentary running in the background but it has now gone and good riddance.  Now, I can meet new people, look them in the eyes, bring out the best of them by being my true self, and I accept them and love them and I can see who they really are beyond whatever it is that is making them feel stuck.  I saw some incredible beauty, resilience, strength, love and joy in the eyes of the other women who took the course and the instructors too.  I felt so privileged to be in that room, to get the chance to see them, to be me, to dance and to breathe and to keep myself grounded and not get caught up in everyone else’s lives like I used to.  I got stuck a few times, but I managed to get grounded (by touching my fingertips together and holding it until I felt tingling… that helps ground you in your body, Jean taught us that), and to move on.  I tried amplifying my light too (I’ll write about that in another post!) and it instantly made me feel calmer too.

I shared some of my observations (about who they really are and how I saw them) with the two amazingly open and beautiful souls who taught the course and with some of the participants, and it was interesting, because some of them were like, “oh really, you could see that, in me?”  So I figure that maybe as one heals, one can see more, intuit more, feel more….and I’m grateful for it.  If I can see people’s true selves (like Jean has always seen me and coached me (Jean is our family’s healer/coach/guide)) and now I can share it with people I meet, maybe that will help them along a bit.  I’d totally like to guide people to reclaim their true selves, to let go of emotions, so maybe this is part of my journey to get there, to be able to see them, to be able to share it with them, to see what it is that may be holding them back. Maybe I’ve had to let go of so much sadness, fear and control stuff, so I could see it in others and help them get rid of it.  Who knows.  I just know that I learned how to Groove dance and I loved it to my core, and I am going to develop some classes, practice the moves, then have people come over to my basement for Groove dancing sessions for my practicum and then find a place to offer my classes in Ottawa and help people connect with their souls through dance.

Thank you Melanie Guertin, the creator Groove Method!  She is so open, so beautiful, so full of light.  No wonder this dance method is taking the world by storm and opening people up to their magnificence!  And as always, thank you to Jean for telling me about Groove dancing.  During my first session with her, she helped me connect with more of me, and she helped me to see that I was a dancer in two past lives and that those two dancers were always with me, guiding me and supporting me.  She was like, do the Groove class, connect with the dancer in you.  Thank goodness I did.  Thank you to the women in the class.  You are all beautiful.  It was a pleasure dancing with you and getting to know you, thank you for sharing yourselves and your stories with me.  And of course, thank you to all of my girlfriends who taught me how to dance, or rather, who gave me permission to express myself to the music, which is exactly what Melanie is doing all around the world, giving people permission to feel the music, to be themselves, to connect with themselves.  Thank you.  And thank you to my soul today.  I was aching all over physically until I realized that I needed to connect with my body and see why that was happening.  It turned out I was scared of being a Groove facilitator, and once I connected with that, I realized that I needed to give myself permission to do it, just like Melanie had been teaching us the whole weekend.  Before I can teach people to give themselves permission to be their true selves, I had to do it for myself.  I cried and cried, let go of the lack of control I felt, affirmed that I would be okay, that my family will be okay if I make choices for me, and then I had less physical pain.  Fascinating, fascinating indeed.

If you’re in Ottawa and you’re reading this, let me know if you want to come over for some Groove dancing!