I know….

Before I start, I just want to say a few things!

The inspiration for this post comes from many places:

  1. My friend Julie Keon’s essay: http://www.whatiwouldtellyou.com/, it went viral quickly.  She is bold and beautiful and has much to share with the world.
  2. From the people whom I have met in this past year of opening and healing, all of whom have showed me what I have left behind, the pain, the sadness, the fear, the little kid-ness inside (that place of hiding behind your mom’s leg).  I’m not saying that I don’t have any of these emotions inside any more, but there are less, and their pull on me is far less, but as a result, I can see it so much more in people’s eyes, all that is not them, but that they believe to be them.  For them, I write this post, from my heart, from what I have behind, so that they may know that they are not alone, that all that they feel, all that is within is not them, that they can connect to their heart to feel their love, their glory and their beauty, if they so choose of course, because that it not everyone’s journey as I am quickly learning.

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I know what you are feeling.  I know that look in your eyes. I know you want to run and hide from me right now.  I know you’d wish that you didn’t have to be in this room with all of these people.  I know what it feels like for you when you are alone. I know what it feels like, having to protect yourself all the time, having to protect those around you, but not really wanting that responsibility because it is so heavy, it is almost like carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it truly is too, that heaviness, that weight.  Why should you be responsible, right, especially when all you want to do is run and hide and protect you, but wait, then there’s the guilt, the guilt of not being able to care for them, not being able to take care of them, love them and shelter them and give them all you didn’t have.  It doesn’t matter who “them” is, for you, you know who they are, you know what it is inside that is grabbing you, that is reminding you that it is there, that it is heavy, that it won’t let you go, that it’s slowly killing you, the real you inside, the glory and the light, if only you knew about it, right inside you, so you could cling to that divine beauty who you truly are, instead of all the fear and guilt that is only pulling you further and further away from you, from the real you.  I can see past it now, I can see you, I can see your possibilities and they are endless.  I know you know about them.  I know you have felt your glory on occasion.  And it’s brilliant, it’s amazing, it astounds you, but then it goes and it leaves you feeling even more confused and alone. I know.  I remember that.  I remember the disappointment, the feeling betrayed by my own life, by God, by everyone around me, why do they hate me, you ask?  Why do they leave me when I need them, why do I push them away?  I know all of those questions, all of those feelings, I know.  I wish I could hold you and tell you it’s all going to be okay, because it is possible, you are the Creator of your own life, you can do it, did you know?  I now know it, but I didn’t before.  I would like to share that with you.  Did you know that you have a choice, that you are divine inside, that God is within you, God is within all of us, and he is in everything, God wants to experience life through us, to get to know Him/Herself better, just as we are here, living this life, we can choose, do we want to live it all, the good and the bad, because from there, we can rise, we can move beyond, and we can live from our heart, and from that place, all of this, all of this we call life, will just happen, without any attachment to outcomes, you can just be, you can breathe, you can drink water and feel nourished, you can hear your own heart song, the pounding of your heart within, guiding you, you will hear it louder and stronger and you will live from that place, you can choose in what lifetime you want to do it, you can let it take many lifetimes to get there and that’s okay, it’s your choice.  But you’ve already lived from that place of fear and despair and guilt, do you like it?  Do you really think there is anything else you can learn from that place?  If there is, fine, go for it, and then be ready, be ready to jump into the huge pool of love that is warm and safe and is surrounded by millions of people with outstretched arms, waiting to hold you, because you’ll actually allow for it, you’ll allow them to get close and you’ll see that there is nothing really real about fear, that you can walk through it to discover the love, the beauty of the world and the beauty of you.  Can you imagine it?  Allowing others to help you?  Allowing yourself to experience pain and then rise above it because you don’t have to beat yourself up any more, you don’t have to live in a place of guilt, because you’re starting to see how it and judgement pull you away from your heart, from your possibilities.  So when you are ready, we’ll be around that pool of love and I know, you’ll say, really, is this real, and I’ll laugh with you and I’ll remember how it first felt for me when I jumped in and was okay, and that I’m still okay, in fact I’m better than I ever could have dreamed because I have opened my arms, and yes, I still feel the fear sometimes, I acknowledge it, and I breathe through it, sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel small, but I know that it doesn’t have to be that way any more, I can release that energy that wants to come up from within and soar as more of my divine self comes right back in to fill in the holes that were previously filled with fear and guilt and judgement.  You can choose.  I know, it seems crazy, but we can.  You can.  When you are ready, I am here for you, I love you and I always will because we are all one, we all are the same inside, and we all have that beautiful place of love inside and we can all support each other in getting in touch with it each day, we can help each other instead of judge and push away.  It is possible.  I know it because I am living it.  I know it because truth is unmistakable.  God and love are unmistakable.  I didn’t have to read a book to discover God and my divine love, I have experienced it in my heart as I let it all go, and I know God is there with me now, it is truth because we are God and God is within us.  When you are ready, you can do it.  I know…. I know.  You can choose love, you can choose you, you can choose.  Take a breath, put your hands on your heart, feel it beating, breathe and breathe, feel it slow down as you touch your chest, feel it slow down and take you there, to the love, to your essence.  Keep holding it. Think of love, whatever that means for you, care, gratitude, appreciation, whatever it is.  Think of how you felt when you felt like there was still something to hope for.  Feel that hope.  It is your heart, knowing what is possible.  Breathe and connect with it, and let it guide you.  Be ready to hear it’s guidance.  I know.  It sounds crazy, but did you see how calm you just got?  It’s possible.  I know.

With everlasting love and many blessings.

Namaste,

Bradlee

When you are ready, you will find love is always there, within you. I have no idea how this happened, but I made an unintentional heart shaped pancake. This morning I lay on the pillow with wet hair to let out some fear and cry and I got up and there was a wet heart-shaped spot. It is everywhere, when you ready, let it in, let it out, feel it and be it.

Forgiving myself

I just realized last night that I need to forgive myself.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, I have done some things, felt some emotions, etc, etc, etc on this parenting journey that I am not proud of.  However, had they not all happened, I would not have been driven to learn about healing, about letting go of emotions, knowing they aren’t me and moving on as my true self, no longer a prisoner to past patterns, roles and behaviors and thought patterns.

The other day I wrote a post about not letting my thoughts take over.  Eventually I’ll learn how to put a link in here to link back to previous posts!!  Anyway….!  I had these painful memories come up about how I had handled situations in the past with our amazing daughter Zara whom I love infinitely.  I was pleased because those memories came up and I wasn’t plagued by the pain and sorrow and all the other emotions that were behind my reactions and decisions back then.  However, it hit me last night that the reason why those memories were coming up was because I needed to forgive myself.  I needed to acknowledge that they happened, that I did the best I could at the time, that my past had led me to feelings those feelings and that it is amazing that I am here finally, in a beautiful mostly neutral place full of love, for which I will forever be grateful.  So, I felt the memories come up again last night and I said, ohhhhhh, that’s why you are here.  I realized that I needed to get it out, the depth of my sorrow about how I behaved, the huge apology I had inside for my behavior.  I went upstairs, lay in the bed, and I connected with my daughter, how she must have felt at the time, how I felt at the time and I cried.  I let the emotions come. I sobbed and cried, I said I was sorry to myself and to Zara and then a few minutes later, I felt like I was done.  I may not have gotten to the super core of it but it felt great and then my body started tingling all over, it was healing from the pain I had felt and it was glowing and showing me that it provided me with those memories so I could get them out and make more room for the love that I am now.  Amazing, isn’t it?  If this was taught in schools, no one would have cancer or depression or any of it, we’d just be in tune with our bodies and our emotions and we would never be shut down.

I love Zara.  I love me.  I love us all.  I forgive me and I will probably have to keep doing this, finding the love for me, as I heal and open, heal and open.  And that’s okay with me.  I can’t expect anyone to forgive me if I haven’t forgiven myself.  In fact, I think that forgiveness just happens, I don’t think it’s something you can ask for, it just has to happen naturally, through healing, through letting go and seeing the situation for what it was, being stuck and learning now that it had to happen that way as we all try to find our true selves.

I’ve thought about apologizing to everyone I’ve ever met lately, for all the times in my earlier life when I pushed them away, judged them or shut them out, all of it.  And then I realized that I am me now, and that I am full of love and I think that the best thing I can do is love me and when I am around them or corresponding with them, I will be the love that I am and I will heal anything that happened between us in the past.  Plus, I didn’t really do anything wrong, I was just me, bubbly me who was sad inside, and now I’m bubbly me who is feeling the love in her heart and is knowing that the stuff inside isn’t really me and that it doesn’t have power over me anymore.

Tee hee, as an aside, it’s 5:30am and I’m slightly awake while typing this!  I was sleeping with Zara last night and then she said, let’s go sleep with Daddy, so all three of us were in the bed and I didn’t have any room and Robbin didn’t have any blankets.  Tee hee, I love my life.  Hence my deep thoughts early in the morning!

Much love to you all.

I am not responsible for the world or my friends or my loved ones!!

This is the lesson of the century for me right now.  I am trying to let go of fixing myself, fixing everyone around me.

I am NOT RESPONSIBLE!!  If I care about you, chances are I’ve been responsible for you, I’ve taken on your hardships,

your issues, your stuff and I’ve somehow made it my own.  I’m learning now how harmful that is to me, how much it

slows me down both physically and mentally, and how it really doesn’t help anyone.  I am learning to be, to be

around others and to show them how much I love them and leave it at that.  If I have an opportunity to help

them to see their true selves, beyond the issues, beyond the shit, then that’s beautiful and awesome, if not

then my love is there, without judgment, without criticism, without boundaries.

Thank you to my soul for reaching out to me, to teach me the importance of my letting go.

Thank you to my body for letting me know each time I am holding on to someone and their journey through

physical discomfort or pain.

Thank you to William Linville and his amazing book (http://www.williamlinville.com) that have helped me realize how deep

this is for me and for showing me the way to let it all go.

Thank you to Jean Brazeau, the healer/guide/show me my true self coach who has

helped me shine and rediscover the joys of me and my life.