What our experiences can teach us if we are willing to see it

I think we’ve all heard, “it happened for a reason,” about an experience that we are going through or have gone through.  Sometimes that statement can be so obviously true, or super infuriating if the experience is what we may deem as horrible and painful, and it may lead us to wonder what we have done to “deserve it.”

The guide that I’ve been going to see for nearly two years now to clear out all the old energies, karma, emotions and memories, has been repeating several truths to me and I’m starting to get that our experiences can teach us and show us that which we haven’t wanted to see, if we can allow it and be willing to look deeper.

Last week, I got off the bed in our spare room, stepped onto the floor and a sharp, stabbing pain filled my foot!  I screamed out really loudly and I was scared about what could have caused it. I felt the panic rising in my chest and I was nervous.  I gently took my sock off and there was a small piece of wood sticking out of it.  I’ve had splinters before, but this seemed more like  a shard of wood or something and it frightened me even more.  My husband wasn’t home and I realized I was going to have to deal with it myself, which I rarely have done in my life.  My Dad was always my splinter remover and that job just fell to my husband since he was good at it.  I never questioned it, but just said to myself, “ya, I must go to a man to get my splinter removed.”  Ha, I’m laughing as I type this because that thought was so true.

I hopped over to the bathroom to get some tweezers and I was really starting to feel like a victim by the time I got there.  Despite all the tools I have learned for connecting to myself, breathing deeply, acknowledging the fear and feeling it, I was in panic mode and no tool thoughts were able to enter through the panic I was feeling.  I grabbed the tweezers and yanked it out.  It was still really throbbing and painful and I lay on the bed and tried to come deeper into my body and to send some love to where the pain was. It was only after the piece of wood was out that I was able to start using some tools, but the panic had taken over and it was slower going than if I had connected to myself right away.  That’s okay, it was all part of what I was meant to learn and see.

I limped a fair bit on and off for nearly a week, so I figured that there must be another piece of wood in my foot, which kind of kept me in a slight fear mode for that entire week.  Finally, the day came when I walked and the pain was so excruciating that I knew that there must be more wood in there and that my body had been working so hard to push it closer to the surface for me. I had probed around with the tweezers when I initially took it out but I hadn’t been able to see anything.  So, after feeling that pain at the end of the week, I knew that I would have to break through the skin (yikes!) and pull out the beast!

Robbin (my husband) and I were armed with tweezers, nail clippers and needles to try to get it out, and I was squirming and too scared to let Robbin try to take it out.  I tried myself and I felt a lot of “this is so hard, this is going to hurt, I can’t do this,” thoughts and energies moving through my body, so I stopped and breathed and connected to myself.  I thought then that I could let Robbin do it, but it was like I just couldn’t, so I decided to try it myself again.  It got a little easier and less scary, and then I stopped and realized that the reason why this happened to me was so that I could take back my power from splinters and from my body being hurt and hoping/asking that others take care of me.  I mentioned that to Robbin and I felt much lighter inside.  I was able to really dig out the thick skin (yikes, but this time it was much less of a yikes) and then I was able to grab it. I breathed, got the tweezers ready and I pulled it out.  It was sooooo long and thick, it was crazy!  It was an inch long and a millimetre thick at one end and likely a millimetre and a half at the other end.  I exclaimed out loud about it and then I didn’t want to look at it!  Robbin encouraged me to, to look at it, appreciate what my body had gone through, and what a personal victory I had just achieved in its removal.  I looked at it from that perspective and marvelled at it and I felt so free, so happy, so empowered!  It was the biggest splinter I’d ever seen and I was able to see the lesson it had for me and I was able to free myself from the grip of “help me, I don’t know what to do, I can’t do this by myself.”  Hooray!

I took out the garbage that night and it was really cold and refreshing and I got to the end of the driveway and I looked around and then I was overwhelmingly compelled to run up and down the driveway pumping my arms in the air and yelling, “I did it, yes I did it!”  Tee hee, I don’t think anyone saw me, but if they had, they would have joined me I’m sure!

I hope to keep getting the secret messages that my life’s experiences have to share with me!


It’s A Joy To Get to Know You

Imagine if we all heard our parents singing this song to us when we were little,

“It’s a joy to get to know you, it’s a joy to get to know you and I really am liking to

share in your world.  When your love is deep and quiet, I can hear you so clearly,

you’re calling forever to share in your world.”

The first time I heard that song, I was so excited!  It’s how I feel about my daughter, it’s how all of us want to experience our childhood with our parents, but how many of us even felt appreciated, loved, welcomed or valued?

I encourage any one who loves their child(ren) deeply (or themselves too!) to consider listening to this song by Shaina Noll.  It is from her CD, Songs For The Inner Child.  Her songs are deeply comforting, deeply healing and beautiful.

Our three year old daughter said to me yesterday, “I think we should listen to this music more often!”  Of course!  Why wouldn’t we!!  I sang “It’s a Joy to Get to Know You” to her last night as she was going to sleep and she sang it with me.  I’m not sure life can be more precious than that.  I am so deeply grateful for this parenting experience, for learning how to be myself again, for opening up my heart and letting life in more deeply, for the full journey and experience it is meant to be.

Please see this link from Shaina’s website for a video of this song that was made by one of her fans:


It is a joy to get to know you, you are wonderful just as you are and you always were:)

The Truth About Santa Claus

I just heard today that there is a movement in the United States to change the words of the classic poem/story, The Night Before Christmas.  There is talk of removing the part:

“the stem of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.”

I can understand that we want the best “model” for our children, but I’m wondering if we should take a closer look at the other parts of our lives and what we “teach” about Santa Claus instead:

  • Lots of people smoke, including the parents of the children who all love and adore Santa Claus….
  • When I think of Santa, I never think of him smoking a pipe, I think of him eating cookies, smiling, laughing, putting presents under the tree, flying through the sky, and loving all the children of the world.
  • If we want to make modifications, let’s first start with the lyrics of Christmas songs, “you’d better not cry, you’d better not shout, you’d better not pout…he knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.”  Why are we using a beautiful holiday season and a jolly beautiful spirit like Santa Claus to program and bribe our children so they’ll be “good”?  What is wrong with crying and yelling sometimes?  We all appreciate a good cry and how great we feel afterwards, and sometimes you need to raise your voice, especially if you are standing up for yourself.  Do we really want to teach our children some more polar opposites like good or bad?  How about we teach them how to be, just be themselves, the perfect beings that they are.  Why not teach them that we will love them no matter how they act, that they are unconditionally and whole-heartedly loved, not just by us, but by Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, by all the beautiful mystical beings who exist as so real and so true in the imaginations of our children.  What happens to us that we can no longer believe….
  • Why not teach children and adults the truth of Santa Claus?   Santa Claus is pure love, pure and simple.  Santa is imaginary or real or both, it is up to you, but just because he is imaginary doesn’t mean that he is any less real.  How many of us remember imaginary friends or guardian angels with us, but then because people told us they can’t possibly be real, we ended up forgetting them.  Is it the same for Santa Claus?  Let’s continue with the magic of Santa, the love that he offers to all of us.  We don’t have to give him up or the love just because we are growing up!  We can keep that love in our hearts, Santa has it for each and every one of us, we just have to believe!  We can add to the beauty of Santa and his love and add some details to the story, like how the parents help him with presents, how he talks to us in our hearts, how we can call on the love of Santa any time we need it, not just in December, that he is the spirit of unconditional love and giving, which lives in all of us, and how we can be like Santa sometimes and drop off gifts and delight in the pleasure of giving, not just receiving.
  • Let’s open up our hearts, let’s not talk about Santa from a place of fear, but from a place of openness and trust and love.  He never has to leave us, so let’s keep his spirit alive within our hearts and continue to believe.  The children always will, it’s only because of the way the Santa story has been spun with all the deception and secrets that lends to such disappointment and feelings of deception.  Why let the magic die?  Let’s keep it alive, that is what life is for, reclaiming the love and magic in all aspects of our lives.

from www.scienceblogs.com


I so vividly remember my own Santa disappointment.  I remember how much I held onto the belief that he was real, but it slowly slipped away because there wasn’t any support for Santa living on past children being 12 years old (I really held on!!).  As I’ve been journeying to my heart over this past year and a half, I have come to remember the truth of Santa Claus and so I share it with you in this post.  We can change the way Christmas is taught, not with big changes, but subtle ones, subtle changes to encourage children to believe in what they know is true, just like how innately all children know and remember God, even just at the mention of God (our daughter walks around singing a song she made up, “everyone remembers God.”).  Santa is real, Santa is love, love never dies nor does Santa.  Whether he has a pipe, a big belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly, or a big pack slung over his back, he is real!  He is love, and when you connect to yourself as I have been learning to do (and like we all innately know how to do!!), you see it as an absolute truth, Santa is real, he is always in your heart, loving you and encouraging you.  His biggest gift to you isn’t the presents (although that is fun and he needs our support for that part), it’s the love!!  The LOVE!!

I was talking to a 4 year old girl a month or two ago and she was already getting ready for Santa and that she was excited for him to come.  I remember telling her that she doesn’t even need to wait for Christmas, that she can feel Santa and all his love right in her own heart, and that is where he will always be.  It was very sweet and spontaneous and her eyes lit up and when I was leaving she gave me a big hug and a kiss, right on the lips!!  I hadn’t seen her in nearly a year and it made me realize how very lucky I was and how I was on to something.  Santa is real and he is always with us.  The children know this!!

I was at a healing session one time and there was quiet healing music playing and then all of a sudden, very loud Christmas music started playing.  I remember looking up at Jean (the healer/coach that our family sees) and she said, “wow, how about that,” and some other words about how there were others there with us at the session and I knew it right then and there that it was confirmation for me that Santa was real, Santa and Christmas are real, as real as we want them to be, we just have to believe.  I came from such a place of sadness and disbelief of all love and magic, so for that to happen as I was starting to reclaim the love that I am, that we all are, it was magic, there was no doubt.  From that moment on, I didn’t worry what I told my little girl about Santa, because he was real.  I could tell her my experience with the music turning on, I could tell her that he is love and about giving and sharing love and that we can celebrate that love and giving with the spirit of Santa every Christmas.  So no matter how we tell the story (that he tells us what to buy, etc), it is okay, because he is real and he is love.  Have I mentioned that enough?   Tee hee.

I also read a great book about the magic of Santa and how to keep it alive without ever worrying about disappointing your children: http://www.thesantastory.com/ I recommend for those interested in a deception and worry free Santa experience for themselves and their families!



Kids: love and gratitude

This is a picture of me with Zara, almost one year ago. I absolutely love this picture because it is a reflection of how much I love her. When I look at it, I see the love, I feel it and I am at peace. I love her and I am grateful for her every day, really and truly.

I sometimes look back at my life and wonder how it is that I never felt like I was a blessing or that I was special or that I was a gift to my parents, to the world?  I’m starting to think that is how it “should” be as we live here on this planet, that we feel loved and appreciated by those closest to us, and if I can be really bold, by everyone.  Aren’t we all special, unique and beautiful?  Aren’t we all so much more than the wounds we carry, from this life and others past, so much more than our bodies, than our families, than our jobs, than our perfect lives?  What about the connection to the heart, to our true selves?  That is where our true beauty lies and I’m starting to see, as I evolve and open, that we are all truly grateful and full of love at our core, and once we can even get a small glimpse of our truth, then gratitude flows from there and so does the wonder, love and appreciation of life.

I remember when our daughter Zara was born in early 2009, I was holding her, I was so full of love, so in awe, as so many of us are when we first have a child.  I remember thinking she was such a blessing, such a gift and that I was so grateful she was born, that she chose us as her parents.  I have kept those feelings for her although I have lost touch with them in some of my darker moments, when I was fighting the darkness within me, the pity I had for myself, for never feeling like I was as loved as I was loving her.  Somehow though, I knew that those feelings weren’t where I wanted to be living, I didn’t want that darkness to take over our beautiful lives together.  Thankfully, I read some amazing parenting books that helped me overcome some of those feelings and I’ve since been working with an energy healer to get to the core of them and to release them so that I’m not having to fight those thoughts off, they have just disappeared.

So now, I truly feel like I am almost always in awe of her and grateful to her for being in our lives.  I love the sound of her feet running through our house, I love her giggles, I love watching how fearlessly she cries when she is upset (I always hide my face, I want to get to a point where I can express an emotion without feeling like I need to hide it or my face), I love snuggling with her, reading stories with her, playing with her, watching her pick up worms and dig holes for them, see her unloading the groceries, watch her make new friends and try new things with her homeschool group or at her swimming lessons.  I love being with her.  I feel like I have given myself permission to be her mom and to be me too, instead of just only being her mom, trying to “over-love” her and “over-protect” her so she would never feel as sad as I did inside.  Now that I know it is impossible that she will feel that way, that same sadness, I have (with some amazing coaching from our family’s energy healer Jean Brazeau, some brilliant support and coaching from my husband Robbin, and lots of love from my own heart to me) given myself permission to be me and that has allowed her to be more free from me and to learn more about who she is.  As such, I am truly grateful to her and I love her dearly.  Through her joining our family, Robbin and I have found personal freedom, greater love and gratitude and so much more fun and enjoyment of life!!

That leads me to wonder why I grew up not knowing that children (including myself) were awesome, that they are fun and giggly and so full of love?  I can’t possibly be the only one!!!  There must be others like me who thought that kids were just there and not much else?  And to those who are/were like me in their thoughts and beliefs about children I say where do those beliefs and thoughts come from?  We are all born as brilliant beings of light and love, it is impossible not to see this in a newborn child.  The only reason we lose that light is because it is not nurtured, for some it is stamped out until there are no traces of it.  We are all brilliant, the light still burns deep inside, it can be re-ignited.  I feel like I can say this because my own light has been re-ignited and I have watched others go through the same processes with Jean and they now see so much more of their own power, their own truth, just as Robbin and I are.

What can we do about the children and how we see them and how we treat them?  Let’s make sure they are loved, not because they should be, but because we want to, because it is nearly impossible not to love them.  As we love them and nurture them, we will nurture ourselves and it will empower us to move beyond the darkness that is not us, to a place of love and gratitude.  I read this fantastic book called The Five Love Languages of Children (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-the-languages/the-five-love-languages/)and it explains how all people have a love tank and that each person has different needs to fill up their tank:

  • acts of service (sewing a patch on a favorite pair of pants, offering to clean up when you see they are too tired to do it)
  • gifts (they recommend limiting this, but really putting effort into the gift because they love the thought and preparation and even the wrapping of the gift)
  • touch (hugs, kisses, rubbing, physical contact)
  • words of affirmation (compliments, I love you)
  • quality time (full attention for a period of time)

It gives tips on how to recognize your child’s love language so that you can respond accordingly for filling up their tank.  I read this and I immediately recognized my love languages (touch, quality time and words of affirmation) and I realized that I wasn’t touched as much as I would have liked (I remember my mom saying I didn’t like hugs, maybe I didn’t, but I needed them!!) and the words “I love you” weren’t used much in our house.  So there you go, this seems like a pretty easy solution to providing that love that children so desperately need and it can also translate directly to your relationship with your spouse (there is another book for adults too, although I think you can just read one and apply it across the board).  Maybe if we all spent a little more time realizing what our own love needs are and those of our immediate family (spouses and children), then we might just live in a world full of more love and gratitude that flows naturally.  Maybe if we can focus on our children and on our selves, and meeting those needs, we will laugh more, feel better, see the love in the world and just maybe, we’ll actually think to say, “thanks so much for being part of my life, I love you so much.”  I made up this song for our daughter, a long time ago now, even before I had opened up my heart to the full potential of love and it is like this,

“Thank you Zara, thank you Zara, thank you Zara, for being a part of our lives.”  I made up the tune, it actually sounds pretty sweet (tee hee, I think I made it up, but chances are it’s a modified tune from some kids song we were singing at the library!!!).  So I sang it to her before she was 2 and she said, “you’re welcome mommy.”  Enough said.  Love and gratitude.  A amazingly perfect and beautiful combination, even if you don’t have kids, there must be someone you want to thank for being a part of your life.  Step out from behind the wall and say it.  Know that the wall around you isn’t real, you can step beyond it and still be safe in this world.  Love and gratitude.   Could it really be that simple?

Coming back to the funny always works

One of the things I’ve been super amazed about since becoming a mom is the power of humor and a joke.  I remember reading that in this super amazing parenting book, Adventures in Gentle Discipline.  It explained that in any potentially or already tense situation, if you can be silly or funny, you’ll win every time.  That was new to me because I didn’t grow up with silly parents, silly was kind of foreign to me.  I first read that book over a year and half ago and I’ve slowly been more and more able to say funny things, to be silly and to crack up my daughter who has been on the verge of tears.  I don’t do it every time, I have this inner radar that usually guides me about when to use it, even though sometimes I ignore it if I’m super caught in the emotions and it’s urging me to the silly but I can’t quite get there!!  I just find it easier to be silly now that I’ve been doing some inner work to get to the true me, the real me who has been buried under all these emotions and memories!

So, tonight, thankfully, Zara and I pulled out the funny jokes and the tickling and it worked brilliantly!  We had a super busy day: we woke up earlier than usual, we got things ready to go to our new homeschooling group, we stayed with the group for almost 3 hours, we came home, had some cosy time and then some lunch, then Zara went off with her Dad to Home Depot and then for a bike ride and I did some errands, then we played a new board game on the grass when we were reunited, Zara had some supper and a bath and I was sure she was going to fall right asleep!  But she didn’t!   A year ago, I would have been really frustrated by her not going to sleep right away when I “thought” she was tired, but that rarely happens to me any more when Zara’s daily needs don’t fit into what I would have predicted or expected.  So we were in bed for nearly 40 minutes, reading and talking and I said, “alright, why don’t we go downstairs, it doesn’t seem like you’re ready for sleep yet.”  She said no she was ready for sleep, so we stayed.  Then we started talking about where she could hang her Winnie the Pooh poster in her room, and there was an energy coming up for me, the old energy of “get me out of here, she’s not going to sleep, I need to leave,” and I acknowledged it and then I let it pass because I didn’t want it to take over.  I was so pleased because it barely had any power over me and for that I was super grateful.  Meanwhile, Zara was talking about all the places she could hang her poster, and this time, it was her who got to the funny, she was like, “can I hang it on the lamp?, can I hang it on the ceiling, can I hang it on my closet?” so then I just started tickling her and squirming all around with her in my arms as she was making her outrageous suggestions and man did we have a good time.  This was HUGE for me, for me to be encouraging the not sleeping, for me to make it even more fun by tickling her and screaming with laughter with her, it was pure gold.  My heart was shining inside!  Who cares, she needs more attention instead of falling asleep when she normally does, who cares!  Is it really a big deal?  NO!  Especially when you get a chance to hear this:

“Mommy, can I hang my poster on my mam, mem, mam…..?”

“Zara, were just trying to say you want to hang your poster on your mammary glands? (I’ve taught her about them and she talks about them sometimes, so I honestly thought that is what she was trying to say)”

Insert hysterical laughter here from both of us.

“No Mommy!  I was trying to say my memory box, not mammary glands, (more hysterical laughter) oh, I just peed in my bed.”

Hahahaha, what a golden moment, what a riot.  We were honestly laughing so hard that she let out some pee in her bed.  Oh my goodness.  Man that was even funnier for both of us.  So she went to the bathroom and let the rest of it out, I wiped off the sheets because it was only a tiny bit and out of my mouth came the following, “well, do you want to go downstairs and make some ice cream parfaits while we’re waiting for the sheets to dry?”  Nice!  We were reading Fancy Nancy and that’s what they did before bed in the story, which breaks all conventional rules of course, but we did it anyway and it was glorious.  We put vanilla ice cream, broken up pieces of Girl Guide cookies, some strawberries slices and some rainbow sprinkles.  Nice!  Then we talked a bit, cleaned up a bit and then we went upstairs and cuddled and now she’s asleep.  The funny and the present moment and the cherishing of myself and my daughter, the putting the love first, all of it combined into magic.  Nice indeed.  Children are full of magic and silliness, we just have to let ourselves remember it in ourselves!  Thank goodness I’m realizing that it was always there in my heart, just a little buried.

Forgiving myself

I just realized last night that I need to forgive myself.








Yes, I have done some things, felt some emotions, etc, etc, etc on this parenting journey that I am not proud of.  However, had they not all happened, I would not have been driven to learn about healing, about letting go of emotions, knowing they aren’t me and moving on as my true self, no longer a prisoner to past patterns, roles and behaviors and thought patterns.

The other day I wrote a post about not letting my thoughts take over.  Eventually I’ll learn how to put a link in here to link back to previous posts!!  Anyway….!  I had these painful memories come up about how I had handled situations in the past with our amazing daughter Zara whom I love infinitely.  I was pleased because those memories came up and I wasn’t plagued by the pain and sorrow and all the other emotions that were behind my reactions and decisions back then.  However, it hit me last night that the reason why those memories were coming up was because I needed to forgive myself.  I needed to acknowledge that they happened, that I did the best I could at the time, that my past had led me to feelings those feelings and that it is amazing that I am here finally, in a beautiful mostly neutral place full of love, for which I will forever be grateful.  So, I felt the memories come up again last night and I said, ohhhhhh, that’s why you are here.  I realized that I needed to get it out, the depth of my sorrow about how I behaved, the huge apology I had inside for my behavior.  I went upstairs, lay in the bed, and I connected with my daughter, how she must have felt at the time, how I felt at the time and I cried.  I let the emotions come. I sobbed and cried, I said I was sorry to myself and to Zara and then a few minutes later, I felt like I was done.  I may not have gotten to the super core of it but it felt great and then my body started tingling all over, it was healing from the pain I had felt and it was glowing and showing me that it provided me with those memories so I could get them out and make more room for the love that I am now.  Amazing, isn’t it?  If this was taught in schools, no one would have cancer or depression or any of it, we’d just be in tune with our bodies and our emotions and we would never be shut down.

I love Zara.  I love me.  I love us all.  I forgive me and I will probably have to keep doing this, finding the love for me, as I heal and open, heal and open.  And that’s okay with me.  I can’t expect anyone to forgive me if I haven’t forgiven myself.  In fact, I think that forgiveness just happens, I don’t think it’s something you can ask for, it just has to happen naturally, through healing, through letting go and seeing the situation for what it was, being stuck and learning now that it had to happen that way as we all try to find our true selves.

I’ve thought about apologizing to everyone I’ve ever met lately, for all the times in my earlier life when I pushed them away, judged them or shut them out, all of it.  And then I realized that I am me now, and that I am full of love and I think that the best thing I can do is love me and when I am around them or corresponding with them, I will be the love that I am and I will heal anything that happened between us in the past.  Plus, I didn’t really do anything wrong, I was just me, bubbly me who was sad inside, and now I’m bubbly me who is feeling the love in her heart and is knowing that the stuff inside isn’t really me and that it doesn’t have power over me anymore.

Tee hee, as an aside, it’s 5:30am and I’m slightly awake while typing this!  I was sleeping with Zara last night and then she said, let’s go sleep with Daddy, so all three of us were in the bed and I didn’t have any room and Robbin didn’t have any blankets.  Tee hee, I love my life.  Hence my deep thoughts early in the morning!

Much love to you all.

I am not responsible for the world or my friends or my loved ones!!

This is the lesson of the century for me right now.  I am trying to let go of fixing myself, fixing everyone around me.

I am NOT RESPONSIBLE!!  If I care about you, chances are I’ve been responsible for you, I’ve taken on your hardships,

your issues, your stuff and I’ve somehow made it my own.  I’m learning now how harmful that is to me, how much it

slows me down both physically and mentally, and how it really doesn’t help anyone.  I am learning to be, to be

around others and to show them how much I love them and leave it at that.  If I have an opportunity to help

them to see their true selves, beyond the issues, beyond the shit, then that’s beautiful and awesome, if not

then my love is there, without judgment, without criticism, without boundaries.

Thank you to my soul for reaching out to me, to teach me the importance of my letting go.

Thank you to my body for letting me know each time I am holding on to someone and their journey through

physical discomfort or pain.

Thank you to William Linville and his amazing book (http://www.williamlinville.com) that have helped me realize how deep

this is for me and for showing me the way to let it all go.

Thank you to Jean Brazeau, the healer/guide/show me my true self coach who has

helped me shine and rediscover the joys of me and my life.