To the parts of me that are peeling away and who feel unsafe about where the shedding will take them, I love you.
To the parts of me who feel so broken and unravelling and who don’t know where to go or what to do or how to act, I love you.
To the waves of emotions that wash through me, both gently and with full force, I love you.
I am learning to be the observer of all that happens within me and through me and around me, but the ones who are merging, shedding, peeling away and molting are unsure about how to do this.
Is it me I am feeling or just the waves of emotions that all humans feel?
I do think we are connected through our feelings and through our truest and deepest natures. It’s like we’re an hour glass, collectively and individually, and we feel it when the sand moves from one side to the other, kind of like how humanity is moving from living unconsciously to living more consciously, but the hour glass keeps flipping throughout that evolution, so that we can have the ultimate experience of growth, both personally and collectively.
Today, the hour glass has flipped and I am feeling that despair, that pain, fatigue and exhaustion. By writing this though, I feel better. The hour glass will tip again and I can watch the grains of sand pouring through me, no matter what they bring along with them to be witnessed, observed and loved.
Peace to you and to all.
Note from me: I wrote this nearly two months ago and it helped me to be more patient, loving and understanding with myself as I was flipping back and forth between feeling blissful and lost. I can sense that I will expand on this topic in the near future as I have more insights from going through this! May it help you! Namaste!!!
I wrote this poem a few days ago, when I was feeling so much pulling me away from myself and I didn’t know what to do. I was trying to work at my desk, but it was hard and I felt like I was barely staying above the surface of what I was feeling. For some reason, I decided to write, and through doing so, a deeper experience of the “pull” came to me and I was freed a few hours later as it sank in. May these words bring awareness of the pull that is the ego, that is the unconsciousness on the planet, so that you may see how free you already are. Many blessings to you!
There is a part of me that never needs to be fed by anything
as it is complete, whole and self-nourishing.
However, the part of me that feeds off of drama, junk food,
competition, hate, anger, rage, despair,
overwhelm, panic and sadness
It is showing me it is present.
It is wanting me to feed it
without any regard to conscious action.
I see you.
I feel you.
I know your hunger.
I cannot feed you in the way that you want, crave or need.
I am waking up and you are hungry.
I know you will never be satisfied, that you will always crave, reach, pull, grab and hang on.
I don’t know what to do for you, except to be your witness,
the witness to what drives humanity to be inhuman,
the witness to the cause of the suffering of all beings,
the cause of the competition, greed and destruction
that is now ready to be revealed;
ready to be loved
through compassion, separation and merging with the wholeness within.
May your dissolving be gentle, peaceful and loving.
May I have the courage to be your witness
no matter how fiercely you crave, hunger or hold on.
I love you and I am here,
separating from you
loving you as your journey comes to this point of completion.
May all beings be blessed with the courage
clarity and awareness to separate from the hunger
and merge with the one who never hungers.
May the homecoming of the one who hungers be glorious.
I started on a journey of awakening, well, I guess I’ve always been on this journey, in this whole life time and many other past life times. That is our ultimate goal as humans, to wake up past the unconsciousness and to remember the truths that we all still have in our hearts, deeper down or closer to the surface, depending on where you are in your personal journey.
I feel like I’ve always had this inner awareness, this inner voice/presence that would guide me, that would sometimes look at the world in shock, and that sometimes propelled me beyond what I thought was possible. I’ve also though, been super weighed down by the collective unconsciousness, by the ego that has many of us in its grip. My true journey of realizing that I was that inner presence, that inner voice, and not the ego, started last April 2011, when I had my first healing session with Jean Brazeau here in Ottawa, Ontario. I was lead to Jean, whom I found because she is listed on The Journey website as a practitioner, when our family naturopath was trying to help me on the path to health, and she told me I had to clear out some emotional blocks to truly heal and that the Journey process would help me. I have continued this deep work with Jean (which is more than the just the Journey I have come to learn!) of looking within, finding what is there that is preventing me from living my true life, and I have been constantly astonished at what I have found. Many of my past blog posts have been about what I have found on my deep inner explorations. This post will be about how I see the world now as I awaken, with mindfulness, with presence and with a new awareness that is awesome and sometimes shocking because of what I am finally able to see and sense. Here are a few of my latest observations:
We have gone so far beyond what any of us ever wanted for ourselves on this beautiful planet. How did we get to the place where sod farms, flower farms, tree farms and pumpkin farms were ever okay? I had never ever questioned where sod comes from, and then one day I saw this huge truck driving by and it said sod farm right across it. The realization hit me so hard! We have chopped down trees just to grow green grass that we need to cut every week when it’s hot and that we spray chemicals on to keep it uniform and free from weeds. Whoever decided what a weed was? Is this really how we want the world to look or are we needing to keep what we can see around us perfect because of the fear of how imperfect and how unloveable we are inside that is driving us?
Why are we using precious land just to grow pumpkins that will be carved and thrown out? The same for tree farms for Christmas trees? I love traditions!! I super do, but at some point, we all have to breathe in together, one big collective breath and let it out and say, “okay, we are so many on this planet, maybe Christmas trees and carving pumpkins are a bit wasteful, maybe we can create more planet friendly traditions?”
When are tons of flowers at funerals and weddings going to cease being important and necessary? Where are they growing all those flowers that are in every single grocery store in Canada? Can we not just keep them in florist shops, to keep the numbers lower, to keep the quality high? Yes, they may still be grown in the same way, but not in the same immeasurable quantity. When did we decide that planting a seed and watching flowers grow in our garden was too slow, that we need to be able to go to a garden centre and to buy flowers that are already in bloom. I know that Canadian winters are very long but there is the option of planting bulbs in the fall and getting to watch them poking out of the soil in the early spring, I really enjoy that!
I’m not necessarily saying any of these things are inherently good or bad, but it’s more that they are observations from an awakened, aware and more mindful perspective than I ever had before. I’m wondering if what is being offered to us and what we are buying, is what we truly want? I’m starting to feel the force and the pull behind advertisements too and I’m having to be mindful in stores and even just when I’m checking my email to ensure that I am not being led by the advertisements instead of by what I actually need. Are we just so used to buying and buying and buying (and being influenced by ads to buy more too) and having more and more, or are more and more of us ready and willing to look inside to find the source of that need, so we can slowly stop our unconscious habits?
When did Halloween and Christmas and Valentines Day get so commercial, so overloaded and so overdone? I went to the party store today to buy balloons and I was so overwhelmed by the size of the store and the vast amounts of “party” merchandise they offered. There was this huge blow up monster with blood marks on it’s blow up teeth at the front of the store and I was beyond shocked. When did we all get so senseless (I mean when did we all get to a place where that isn’t horrible and scary) that we think that our kids need that for Halloween? They even sell “severed” hands that you can put in your trunk so that the hand hangs out the back of the trunk. Again, that just seems so senseless to me. I pray that my 3 year old daughter doesn’t see one of those. I know that I can explain it to her, but should I have to?
We have taken the need to be the best, to have the best, to shock and awe, to impress so far that we now have to have a party store the size of Costco for our parties. I just wanted balloons! There were aisles of goody bag things, some even pre-packaged, like we are so mindless that we can’t be creative and find some little things that would delight children to have, instead of tons of stuff that costs 35 cents so we can buy a lot? When did a “Happy Thanksgiving” banner become important? Wow.
In an age when we in Canada (I can really only write about what I see in my own city, but I feel comfortable generalizing it to my own country, but no further really:)) are starting to see the importance of composting, recycling, buying local, eating organic, meeting a farmer, using public transportation, why are the big businesses not catching on? Why is every new store being build three times the size that it really needs to be? I would imagine at some point that we all will shop at the smaller stores because we like customer service, we like knowing the name of the owner, like how it used to be. I remember being a kid and going to my baseball coach’s party store to get balloons. That was always very special for me. I sound like I’m 75, but I’m only 32 and things have changed so much in my short life time.
I know more and more of us are wanting that connection and closeness with others wherever we go. Our world needs more connection with actual people, instead of just through texting and facebook and twitter. Again, it’s not that any of these things are bad, it’s more the way we are using them, the reasons we are so dependent on them.
We are all beautiful beings of light who are so connected to each other, to the divine, to the source and the more we teach that, the more of it is available through the internet, through groups, through workshops, the more of us will awaken to the beauty within and the world will change. We’ll go back to helping our neighbors, to having more time as we pull out of the so called “rat race”, we’ll have more time for our children, family members and friends, and competition won’t be driving us any more. I look forward to the upcoming new world age, as we step into it and awaken, open up more, and move towards love and peace and we leave the unconsciousness, the fear and the violence behind.
Today, right now, I am happy. I am learning that happiness only comes from inside, that the more I blame the outside world for how I am feeling, the more miserable I will be. I am learning that the more I can look inside and know that I am perfect, that I am love, that I am beautiful, that I am gentle and kind, then life will be easier and smoother. I have been so blessed to have so many positive influences in my life lately that have helped show me the way to shine my light and to live from my love and my heart!
My last appointment with the healer and guide our family sees was really pivotal for me. It helped me to see how closed off I still was, how I was still in protection mode and when you are in that mode, you are living in fear and the world becomes scary and then (at least for me), the blame and anger and resentment come and take over. When you can live from your heart, from your love, from your light, you are open, you are receptive, you feel what goes on around you and it passes through, washes right over you. I was slightly reeling, okay not slightly but very reeling after that session. I started to see how and where I was closed off and how that was causing me to be so outwardly blaming, when really what I was doing was feeling vulnerable and small and thinking I needed to protect myself (and my young daughter) from being hurt and feeling rejected. I am learning that I create my experiences of life and that I can spend time giving up my power to thoughts, but that they will always be there, pulling me away from my heart or that I can consciously choose my heart over those thoughts.
I recently found a new self-awareness program called 2baware (www.2baware.net). I came across it when a fellow WordPress user liked one of my posts, so I went to his blog and was astounded! It is super exciting to meet someone else (I am meeting more and more!) who is committed to living a life of fun, of love and of moving away from fear. I had the privilege of trying out the workshop he created as one of the followers of his blog (www.idolanuel.com) and I am super duper enjoying it. It is a 20 day program of self-awareness, that is carried out in this awesome fantasy land and you get to be the main character in it. It has given me so much guidance for looking within, for seeing where I outwardly place blame for my experiences, what I am truly scared of and finding the root of that fear, learning what stories I tell myself and how those limit me in my life and helping me to look at a situation both objectively (I dropped my cup of coffee) and subjectively (I dropped my cup of coffee again, I’m such an idiot, no wonder I can never do anything, and what that really means is that I’m scared no one loves me and I’m worthless). I have so benefited from the objective/subjective exercise! Yesterday I totally panicked because a man was talking to my daughter at the grocery store when I couldn’t be around her. I was feeling like she was threatened and that I couldn’t do anything because I was trying to pay and pack the groceries and I was totally panicking, it was amazing. I was inside, watching myself, saying to myself, “wow you are really freaking out,” but I didn’t feel like I could stop it. I talked to her about it afterwards and I asked her if she was comfortable and she said yes. I told her that she can walk away from anyone if she is uncomfortable and she agreed. I asked her why she had looked uncomfortable and then it dawned on me and I said, “were you uncomfortable because you could feel how much I was trying to protect you,” and she said yes. I was floored. Here was another situation where I was stuck in protection mode. I was grateful to have seen it, then I did the 2baware exercise and I looked at it objectively and I laughed, “A man talked to my daughter at the grocery store.” And then I wrote what I was really feeling and I could see how it was a program, a story, and how it started running the moment that incident happened. I was so grateful to be able to see it, uncomfortable to see what has been running my show for ages, but excited at the same time. There is sometimes that moment of discomfort as I look deep inside and get honest with myself, sometimes I want to run and hide more, but thankfully my desire to be the true me, to live my true life, prevails and I go in deep and take a look. I’d rather do that than be running these useless subconcious programs.
I’m gave the super abridged version of 2baware, but what it comes down to is that it is a brilliant program that has already benefited me tremendously and I’m just on day 8. I am super grateful to have found this workshop when I so really needed it. It was quite divine timing actually and I know it is a true gift. I look forward to more transformations and shifts as I continue for the 20 days. Thank you Ido. If you are looking for a guided and cool way to become more aware, I highly recommend it.
I’ve also started doing Kundalini yoga. I went to the Radiant Child Yoga (www.childrensyoga.com) teacher training in July for my kids class Playing From The Heart: Kids Connect (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com) and I learned Radiant Child Yoga with the founder and creator, Shakta Kaur Khalsa. She is a beautiful and radiant woman, who taught us with all of her experience and creativity and she taught us Kundalini yoga for ourselves at the same time.
Kundalini yoga is a physical, mental and spiritual discipline for developing strength, awareness, character, and consciousness. Practitioners call Kundalini yoga the yoga of awareness because it focuses primarily on practices that expand sensory awareness and intuition in order to raise individual consciousness and merge it with the Infinite consciousness of God.
I have felt a huge difference in my body and in my awareness both during and after doing this yoga. I’ve been using Shakta’s book: http://www.amazon.ca/Whole-Way-Library-Kundalini-Yoga/dp/0789467704/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1344803015&sr=8-2 and I’m really enjoying it. It is very well laid out and explained, even for a beginner person like me. I’ve done yoga in the past, but not this kind and not regularly. I actually feel a difference in my body, I feel the energy moving through, I feel the tingling, I feel more grounded and more aware and I feel stronger and more limber. I am super excited to have found this and to have committed (and with family discussions!) to find time during the week for me to wake up and start the day by connecting to myself and to the greater of life outside me and within me.
I know this yoga works, but I had confirmation the other day when I did the yoga kriya (yoga set) for “The Essence of Self” and a few minutes later, my 3 year old daughter Zara said, “oh there, now there is more light in our house (she meant light like our inner light and radiance),” and I asked her why and she said, “it’s your light mommy, it’s shining out now and it’s all around the house.” Do you need any more confirmation than that?
Thank you to the universe, for bringing me what I need and the people I’ve needed to continue on this beautiful path of self-awareness, of finding my inner truth and living my true life, instead of that one of fear and hiding that I was trapped in for 31 years. Thank you to everyone who has supported me and loved me, even when I was so scared and so trapped and hiding and locked in fear. With much love and many blessings!!
Well, it seems as though this is really my deal lately. Trying to find the balance between being there for someone and not taking on their life story as my own. Letting their journey be their journey….My great friend is going through a lot and much of what I have learned lately could be helpful to her, or so I deemed. So I tried to cautiously share what I’ve learned, leaving it up to her, without putting pressure on her to see “my way”, without making her feel like she’s doing it “wrong”, because she’s not, and for me, trying to just be there for her and love her.
I was pleased with how it was going and then I felt myself getting caught up in it, feeling like, “oh I need to share this,” with the operative word being need. Do I really need to share it? Does she really need to hear it? Need? No. May she find it interesting, yes.That’s where I want to be!! So, I tried to take a deep breath, pull myself back to the neutral place full of love for her in my heart. I did it, but not before getting really involved. You might ask how I knew I was really involved, how did I know that I was taking on too much responsibility, how did I know that part of me was with her in Toronto even though I live in Ottawa? Well, I have learned that my body is a super useful guide for me. I noticed that my digestive patterns had changed, like I was getting bloated, and I wasn’t as hungry. I also noticed that I kept thinking of her and her life, when I really just wanted to be living my own! I even felt back pain, like the weight of the world on my shoulders. I think we all know that pain, right below the neck, at the traps…ya, I’ve learned that some of us (me too!) do feel responsible for everything and everyone and by feeling that, by living that, we actually are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders and then our bodies slow down and we feel heavy and tired.
So I started feeling all of that in my body and I was seeing my mind race all over the place. I laughed and went, well there you go, I was trying not to have this happen and it has. The moment I realized it and emailed her to apologize, to let her know that I had gone too far, that I love her and that I support her no matter what. My body slowly relaxed and by the end of the day, I was feeling much better physically. Another lesson for me. I’m glad to keep learning it! I’ll also be glad when I can stay in that neutral place all the time, when I just radiate love and support without needing to change anything or anyone. I am learning lots of cool stuff, about healing, the power and love we all have within us, the wisdom of our bodies, how we are not our emotions and I will find the balance with how to share it and live it and not let it become my cause, but rather just a part of me.
Here’s to all my beautiful friends and family members. I love you all, you are all perfect as you are, I support you in your journeys and I am here for you. May my heart and mind find the balance of love and caring and not taking on responsibility.