Looking up at the stars

Looking up at the stars

I turn my life over.

I see them shining and twinkling

and standing out in the dark sky

and they make me want to stand out

in a similar way in my own life;

to breathe deep, fill with courage

and to be myself, no matter what.

 

Looking up at the stars,

I know there is more to me,

to my life and to my choices.

 

Looking up at the stars and breathing in the cold air,

I feel like I should keep reaching up

so that I can bring heaven down

to share with everyone I meet.

 

Looking up at the stars,

I dig in deeper and commit more fully to my life,

to myself and to a truth that the stars

shine so purely.

 

Looking up at the stars, I remember

that I am already free and that I am

perfect just the way I am.

 

Looking up at the stars,

I hear my inner voice more clearly

and it tells me I am on the right track,

that I can relax and know that I am already great

and all will come in good time.

 

Looking up at the stars, I breathe

more easily and know that all is well.

 

Looking up at the stars, I know

that I am already home and there is peace

within me.

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Evolving From Within

I am looking at myself less in the mirror lately.

It is almost as if I am scared to see the deeper me

who is emerging from within me,

like the human part of me is feeling ashamed that she is still hanging around, and

wallowing in her old ways of panic, fear and despair.

 

I love you dear one.

There is nothing to fear or to be ashamed of.

You are a super miracle and I am so honoured to be

journeying through life with you.

Because of you, I have my finger on the pulse

Of human suffering.

Because of you, I am learning that living on the surface

is like constantly riding the waves of life.

Because of you, I can feel the light of God emerging

from within me, teaching me to be the ocean

instead of riding the waves.

Because of you, I know it can be scary to be authentic,

real and unlimited and vulnerable.

Because of you, I know it can be hard to say I love you

without fear of rejection.

Because of you, I am me.

Because of you, I love you.

 

It is time to shine dear one, and there is nothing wrong

with wanting to hide and get comforted.

Come home to me and nestle in close, you don’t need

to look outside for comfort any longer.

I am here.  Patiently waiting.  Loving you and offering my

comfort, from the inside, out to you.

No more solutions can be found out there.

It’s only you and me and it is a miracle to know this.

You are a miracle and so am I.

So let us merge as one and emerge together as One;

One who can shine the light through the darkness

for the ones who are still looking outside of themselves

for that union of divine perfection.

It is within, and only within, and I am here,

crying tears for you, for us, for the One who will emerge

as we merge.

 

May our union be magical for all hearts.

Blessings – A Turning Point

How could I not have known how worthy I am of receiving?

How could I not have seen my true light and value?

How could I have spent the last 36 years without constantly honouring and bowing before the divinity that moves through me, that I am?

 

May I remember to bless myself, to love myself, to nurture myself and to honour myself.

May I eat food consciously and with gratitude.

May I stretch my beautiful body and feel the strength and grace in my muscles.

May I thank my mind for all the beautiful thinking it does for me.

May I appreciate my joints for bending and staying healthy and lubricated.

May I honour the tremendous amount of work that my organs, skin and bodily systems complete, without ever taking a break.

May I look at myself in the mirror and know that my body temple is magnificent and that it houses my bright and shiny soul who wants to come out to play and to love and to dance with all of creation.

May I remember to thank my heart, for beating and for leading me into this new territory of being open and vulnerable.

May I celebrate the fierce passion arising within me, the one that makes me feel like I have the power to ignite that same fire within the bellies and hearts of all.

May I honour myself so much that I never once question whether I should be authentic or not.

May my heart be light and may I nourish myself with love, healthy food, prayer, chanting, nature, dance and wonderful company as never before.

May every choice I make and every breath I take be rooted in love and gratitude and reverence for the being that I am.

May I always remember that I am worth it and that it is never a sacrifice to stop and take better care of all of my precious self.

Namaste and Wohoo, all at once : )

 

Note from me: I listened to the Guided Meditation for Conscious Eating from Ramdesh Kaur’s meditation CD called the Body Temple. It opened me up to all the ways that I could and wanted to honour myself more deeply.  It was a deeply transformational experience that led me to hearing the words above in my head.

The end of living a “falsely perfect” life

I have been striving to live a perfect life for a very long time.  While I am only 36 years old, I feel much older at times because of the weight that this need for perfection has been on my shoulders and heart.

Over the last few weeks I have felt angry.  I have felt angry at myself for pushing down my power and my strength, all in the name of living this falsely perfect life that had no need or want for power or strength. I defined “falsely perfect” as the need to always be nice, to be able to say that “yes, things are great,” whenever asked, to not ever get mad or be “mean, and to have things so perfectly organized and arranged so that I could feel good. What I have started to see is how exhausting this way of living has been for me, as well as limiting and frustrating!

I was lying in bed this morning and I felt myself lifting up inside, like I was being lifted to a higher level of awareness and freedom and potential.  A few hours later, I was seething mad, like I wanted to yell and scream and break things, so when I lay down to rest and breathe, I said, “I surrender this false and limiting way of living.  I surrender the belief that only certain ways of existing are perfect.  I surrender the inner critic and judge.”  I was also feeling what it felt like as I was saying those things, so I was using my feelings as guide about what to do.  It was amazing because it was like all the anger I have felt about forcing myself to live in this falsely perfect was guiding me to free myself.  It was like that part of me rose up and helped me to say, “ENOUGH,” and that gave me the knowledge and strength to free myself from this pretend prison and to welcome back all parts of me.

I saw myself smashing down those prison walls and I felt rising, falling and melting within me, almost like the parts of me that I was surrendering (and the prison walls) were being absorbed, pulled into my heart, bounced around, healed and released to be free.

Ahhhh, deep breath : )

Here I am, an hour after crashing down my prison walls and I felt the need to write about it.  I feel like I have all of this energy within me and it still wants to crash through life and push things out of the way, because it’s been buried down deep within me for so long.  I am so interested and keen to get to know these parts of myself, and get to know their passions and interests and desires!   I feel like I unknowingly buried my strength and power in an attempt to live a “good girl” kind of life, and now all I care about is living authentically and crashing down all the walls of falsehood that exist within me and around me.  I know I won’t physically crash things down, but I think that me and my newfound power and strength will become good friends and that I will have much renewed energy in the coming days, weeks and months as this change settles within me.  I am very excited to see what happens in my life as I meet each new day and each breath with a more integrated and united me.

May we all be blessed with the clarity to see where we have been unknowingly limiting ourselves and with the courage to break down those walls!

 

 

 

Learning to Life Powerfully

For the last six months, a deeper me has been emerging and I have been witnessing a form of my own death.  I feel like I have been swinging back and forth between this hugely powerful me and this little and small version of myself that is now ready to dissolve and make room for the bigger me.

A lot of my writing lately has been about this swing and this emergence and dissolving and it has been deeply healing for me.  I have been putting so much effort into loving the dissolving parts of me and that has been wonderful and amazing, but lately I have been feeling like I needed to take a different course of action, although I wasn’t sure what it was.

This evening, while I was driving to the grocery store, I felt all of the old emotions coming up, like they were dissolving and healing, and then I felt a greater and deeper part of me say, okay, enough, it’s time to focus on the one who is emerging, and not the one who is dissolving.  And that voice within me told me to start writing blog posts about learning to live from this new power that is emerging within me, instead of what is leaving and dissolving.  It’s almost as if the old that is dissolving is already on it’s way out and it knows it is honoured and loved, or else it wouldn’t be leaving!   Neat, eh?

I sometimes feel shy about allowing the emerging one within me to be fully present in my everyday life and now that I’ve made this choice to focus on it, I’m both nervous and excited because I have a feeling that it will take me under its wing and teach me to shine, lead and roar, more than ever before.

I want to give myself permission to:

  • be a motivator, both for myself and for others
  • speak the truth that my being wants to speak, without always trying to fit in or please others.
  • rally people and bring them together in peace and unity and excitement because it is fun to be alive!
  • dance and sing wherever I go and not be scared of the judgement of others.
  • be the full me that I came here to be, without being shy or wondering if it’s okay to be my full and true self.
  • host workshops for learning how to come home to your heart that would include journalling, chanting and dancing.
  • write more and more and more.
  • know that I am worth it, that I matter and that I am very, very capable.
  • love my self so much and to let that radiate out to others.

I know that I am an empathic person who feels very much and that I don’t always need to focus on every little thing that I feel, but that I can focus on this new power emerging within me and let it do the work of living a life!  It’s funny, because this writing feels so freeing, yet so new; it’s really reinforcing that it’s time for me to focus on the power because I’m not as comfortable with that yet, because I have spent so much time comforting my scared little self.

May we all blossom and emerge in our own time and in our own unique way and may we all complement each other’s openings.  May we all be blessed with the courage to be our amazingly powerful selves!

Hourglass of Humanity

Hourglass of Humanity

To the parts of me that are peeling away and who feel unsafe about where the shedding will take them, I love you.

To the parts of me who feel so broken and unravelling and who don’t know where to go or what to do or how to act, I love you.

To the waves of emotions that wash through me, both gently and with full force, I love you.

I am learning to be the observer of all that happens within me and through me and around me, but the ones who are merging, shedding, peeling away and molting are unsure about how to do this.

Is it me I am feeling or just the waves of emotions that all humans feel?

I do think we are connected through our feelings and through our truest and deepest natures. It’s like we’re an hour glass, collectively and individually, and we feel it when the sand moves from one side to the other, kind of like how humanity is moving from living unconsciously to living more consciously, but the hour glass keeps flipping throughout that evolution, so that we can have the ultimate experience of growth, both personally and collectively.

Today, the hour glass has flipped and I am feeling that despair, that pain, fatigue and exhaustion. By writing this though, I feel better.  The hour glass will tip again and I can watch the grains of sand pouring through me, no matter what they bring along with them to be witnessed, observed and loved.

Peace to you and to all.

Note from me: I wrote this nearly two months ago and it helped me to be more patient, loving and understanding with myself as I was flipping back and forth between feeling blissful and lost. I can sense that I will expand on this topic in the near future as I have more insights from going through this!  May it help you! Namaste!!!

 

Where I Belong!

The Preamble

I know I structure most of my posts in the same way, and this one is no exception…”here is what I used to do, here is what I have come to see about that, and here is how I have shifted.”  That is the model of my life lately and I hope that it continues that way!  I want to keep seeing that which has kept me from being my true self and I keep getting more and more surprised about how much more there is to me, the real me, than I ever imagined or dared to dream!

The Amble:)

For most of my life, okay, for all of my life except for the past 3 days, I always wanted to belong.  I always looked outside of myself for a place to belong, for someone to accept me, even a stranger.  I have some extreme examples of things I have done in my relatively short life to be accepted and I’m sure that most of us have done some similar, possibly more or less extreme, things!

In order to be accepted, belonged or loved, I have:

  • checked all around while driving to see what speed others have put their windshield wipers and put mine at the same (now I happily put them at whatever speed I happen to think would be beneficial, even if it is faster than others!)
  • considered removing the cellulite from the backs of my legs with a knife (that was a dark moment in high school, fortunately after the thought passed through my awareness, I immediately knew it was wrong)
  • covered up parts of my body that others told me were too big
  • tried to be the best at everything, even becoming way too competitive (and even sometimes mean when I was playing basketball later in high school and in college), and losing myself in the world of school and teachers, to be the best, to get noticed, to have a place, to feel like I belonged somewhere.
  • shaved my legs because everyone else did
  • gotten drunk because everyone else did
  • gossiped, judged and criticized others because everyone else did
  • and the list goes on

In the past few days, I had a conversation with a friend and we were talking about our lives and he was telling me he is working on accepting things that have happened in his life.  I smiled and agreed, because it is wonderful, but I told him that I wondered if you could accept things when there was still so much anger and sadness inside.  We chatted for quite a long time and then I came home.  It was only that night that what he said really hit me and I got it: what if I accepted MYSELF truly, fully and completely?

What if I did that?

Would I still need to belong somewhere outside of myself, would I still care about what others think and try to fix/adjust myself for them?

Would I still long for my parents to love me and see me the way I want them to?

It was a moment of huge realization for me.  I was lying in bed and I put my hands on my heart and I said out loud, “I accept myself,” and I got a huge wave of goosebumps, so I said it again, “I accept myself, I belong right here.”  It was so profound, it felt like the most profound and soul penetrating thing I had ever done.  It was like this huge weight lifted off of me and I accepted myself instead of always looking outside of me for a sense of belonging and acceptance.  I was even able to thank my parents from my heart for the gift they gave me in my life, the way they parented me eventually got me to the realization that I didn’t need them to accept me, but if I could accept myself, all would be well!  It was a brilliant, open and loving moment!

I was so pleased, so happy that I finally was able to get to that point.  I had accepted myself and I felt the shifts happening inside me over the next few days as that wonderfully loving message sunk in to every cell in my body.  I won’t have to look outside of me for someone to agree that I belong here or for them to accept me.  I could love myself first and all would come from there!  I wonder if I’ll start dancing in the streets?  Maybe or maybe not, but now I can sing loudly in my car, even at a red light, and I can teach my children’s classes and know that I am perfect just the way I am, and I can parent more from my heart and be more true to myself than ever before.  How about that, eh?  I’ve always heard that, the answer is in you, the power is in you, it is really awesome to have a chance to experience that from within with the self-love and acceptance I found the other night.