Giving myself permission

My husband Robbin and I were having a chat yesterday about our dreams from the night before:

  • My dream: Robbin and I were together and he was crying, telling me how much he has missed me
  • Robbin’s dream: The three of us were together as a family and I was trailing behind, not really participating because I was tired and I was ready to go.

We just casually shared about the dreams, then I went into the bathroom to put something away or to finish cleaning it and I yelled over to the kitchen, “you know Robbin, I’ve always been tired, my whole life!!  I’ve always been tired!!”

Our dreams were showing us what we were leaving behind.  I have had a huge two weeks in terms of self awareness and growth.  I have finally come to see how tired I have been and how fearful I have been of being tired and how that cycle of tired and fear has been controlling me for as long as I can remember.  I think the cycle all revolved around keeping me small and safe, because for so long as a child, I didn’t feel like the world was a safe place and I believed that I was really alone.

With the guidance of the coach that our family sees, I have been able to see these cycles of protection, control, fear and fatigue and they’ve come to a place where they were so obvious that I couldn’t deny them any longer.  There they were:

  • I was planning my life around being tired
  • I was always in fear of being tired and getting sick or overwhelmed
  • I was always scared of not being safe enough, being too vulnerable and small
  • I was controlling the environment around me (including my family and friends) to make sure that I could stay safe and keep our four year old daughter safe.

I’d rather be honest with myself and really look at what has been going on so that I can be free of it.  I don’t want to live a limited life anymore, nor do I want to limit my husband and daughter any longer.  I’m really done with that, it’s been so sad, so scary, so limiting and so resentment causing.  I’ve been resenting people around me who are more free and more open to new opportunities, when I’ve always felt trapped in a little box with super thick walls that I created with the illusion of protecting me and keeping me safe.

All of this has come into my awareness in the past few weeks because in my last healing session, I had a memory come up for me about playing hide and seek when I was a kid.  It was a blessing really, because Zara had been playing hide and seek with her friends and I felt really nervous but didn’t really understand it until the memory presented at my session the next day.

In the memory, I was trapped in a big linen chest, and I remember feeling so scared, so trapped, so helpless, and I felt really alone.  It was a fantastic memory to get to, because it was keeping me so small, it kept me looking through the eyes of that young girl who was scared and terrified.  I was finally able to see how I had such trouble letting my daughter play alone with other kids, that I needed her to be within eye sight so I could make sure she was safe.

It was also somewhat devastating to realize the truth of what I was doing.  I thought I was being a “good parent” by watching her.  In my experience though, being a parent and parenting cannot be defined, it’s really about responding to each situation from the heart and getting to the core of any issues and removing those limiting blocks/memories/emotions so you and your child(ren) can be free.

Thanks to those realization and the growing awareness of what I was doing and why, I have come so far in the past week!

  • I gave Zara some space to play with her friends and she was so comfortable, happy and free!  I even heard her say, “Please stop doing that to me, I don’t like it,” or something along those lines!  I checked in with her once and twice and she was totally fine and was having a blast!  Imagine that!! 
  • I planned an activity/outing for each day of the week, and felt fine!  I was tired occasionally, but I was able to see that I was still safe, that I was never alone!  I was able to use the many tools I have learned to renew my energy and to reconnect to myself to feel good, instead of being locked in being tired and scared.

As a result of all of this, I feel like there is more of me here this week, more of me here to share in the joys of life, more of me to share with myself, my husband, my daughter and my friends.  I am giving myself permission to live my life!!

I continue to marvel at how limited I was and how much more free I get with each time that I look within with Jean’s help (the healer/coach/guide our family sees)!  It seems to me that giving myself the go-ahead to have a blast and be free and know that I am always safe is what I came to this planet to play with and explore.  I’m so happy to have such beautiful people around me to share myself with and to share in the joys of life.  May the walls keep crumbling and may my bright shiny soul fly as I continue to see just how big and strong my wings really are.  I think they may even have bright sparkly feathers:)

Knowing you are supported

I lived my life feeling alone.   Feeling invisible, but also feeling so stand out-ish (I was nearly 6 feet by 12 years old!), ready to be seen and made fun of, picked at, judged and criticized.  It was a tough balance, trying to hide, feeling obvious, feeling invisible, all at once.  Not the best combination I say!  I remember the times where I felt like I was alone, no one loved me, I didn’t love me, I didn’t know who I was, but I knew I was lost and alone.

I know we each have our own journey and I am starting to see how mine was perfectly arranged for me to leave so much of these feelings and emotions behind.  We all have a journey here on this planet.  We all came into this world, fully aware of what we wanted to accomplish, what we knew we needed to work on in this life, and how we chose our parents so that they would provide us with ample opportunities to be challenged and to go beyond what we were comfortable with, to break free, to awaken, to be more conscious, to learn to live in this world, without being a victim to it, or being a part of it and being dragged along with it every day.  If you are interested in a book that outlines this in a very easy to understand way, you can pick up the Celestine Prophecy and the second part of it, called The 10th Insight, Holding the Vision, both by James Redfield. I had been learning these things from the healer/coach/guide our family sees here in Ottawa, but when I read these points in The 10th Insight, it sunk in deeper and really resonated with me as total truth:)

We are all supported, even when we feel like we are falling apart.
Image from (http://www.123rf.com/photo_9327994_red-apple-being-cut-in-half-with-a-sharp-knife-being-held-up-by-one-single-toothpick.html)

I wonder if I needed to feel so alone in this life, only to marvel at all the times that I was held up and supported by forces that I didn’t understand, but that I knew on some level.  I know that many of us feel like things are crazy, like we are alone, like life is just too hard, if only we could know that someone cared, that someone had the time for us, etc., etc..  We are all the same, it’s only our stories that are different.

I’d like to share some stories with you about how I have learned that I was always supported in my life, even when things seemed really hard and super lonely.  I’d like to share some of those stories from my earlier unconscious life (31 and younger!) and from my newer more conscious life (31 to now, nearly 33!).

May these stories encourage you to find a quiet moment, to lie down or sit up, to put your hands on your heart and to ask your heart to show you all the times that you were supported, even when you felt desperately alone.  Take your time.  Once you get some messages, let them soak into your awareness, let them fill you with love, with the knowledge that you are never alone and never have to be again.

If your mind gets in the way, it’s okay, kindly ask it to come up to a higher level of consciousness and ask it to work with you instead of against you.  You know you believe in the possibilities, ask your mind to come along with you as you open yourself up to being more supported, to even believing that it is possible that you can ask for help whenever you need it and that your call with be answered, by the universe, by our creator, by God, by angels, by your guides, call them whatever you want, it matters not, it only matters that you believe, that you trust that you are worth it, that you deserve the support, that they were always with you.  Go ahead, and ask them for help.  If you’re not sure yet, read on.  I still can’t believe what I have been doing in my personal life.  I went from not believing in anything, to feeling the love and peace that can only come from the universe, from source, from angels, from God.  I am so grateful for those feelings, those moments of remembering that no matter what, I am supported.  And now, some stories:

  • I was in university working on my honors Biology final project.  I had been in the computer lab for hours, I was exhausted and wanted to go home, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to complete on online application to work as a summer student for the Canadian federal government, so I stayed and completed it.  After I graduated, I was back at home, feeling depressed that I hadn’t found a job despite my degree.  I remember feeling worthless and useless.  One night, I went out onto my parents’ driveway to get some fresh air and I vividly remember staring at the moon and stars and saying out loud, “I leave it up to you, I’m not sure what to do, can you take over,” or something to that effect.  A few days later, I got a call from Health Canada (the Canadian FDA) and they wanted me to move to Ottawa for a job.  Ha!!  I didn’t know it then, but I was so being taken care of.  Something/someone guided me to complete the application when it was the last thing I wanted to do and for some reason, I “let go” on that driveway and turned it over to the universe and it showed me what was possible because I let go of needing to make my life happen!
  • I started working full time at Health Canada at the Special Access Programme, which helps patients with life threatening conditions to get access to unapproved medications when all marketed treatments have been tried and failed.  It was an incredible job that taught me a lot and gave me a huge appreciation for my own physical health (I didn’t know then that there was more than just medicine and that my health could markedly improve with energy work, kind of ironic, eh?).  I remember working on some of the applications and I would hear a voice inside, guiding me, “you’d better call that doctor and ask him for more information.”  I remember thinking, “oh okay, I’d better do that,” and thinking that I had a strong conscience or something.  I think you can call it whatever you want, but what it comes down to is that I was being supported and guided to do the things that would serve those patients in their best interests.
  • When I was really sick and not doing well (please see the About page), our family’s naturopath told me to read the book The Journey by Brandon Bays, which is about going into the body, to the source of illness and finding out what memories and emotions are stored in the cells that could be causing the illness.  I knew it was for me and I was just going to try the process out with a friend, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to look on The Journey website to see if there were any local practitioners.  I checked it out one night and the list was really long but it seemed like there was only one name on it, like the others were blurred and the one name was really big.  I remember thinking, “hmm, that’s really weird,” so I clicked on the profile and the person seemed really great, but I wasn’t ready so I closed it.  The next night, the same thing happened, I had this strong feeling to look again and there was her name in big letters, even though they were the same size as the others.  I made an appointment and here I am a year and a half later, so much more my true self, so much more free and open and happy and I go to see her regularly!   If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ll see how much I’ve changed even in the past few months.
  • This summer, I was awoken in the middle of the night to some loud yelling and fighting.  I literally felt paralyzed and terrified lying in bed.  I was so unsure of what to do and all I could do was to call out for help in my mind and within moments, there was this tremendous peace and love that filled my body.  I remember lying there, so pleased, so overwhelmingly overjoyed and then before I knew it, I was asleep.  It was like a dream, but it was beyond real. I woke up the night morning, super excited at what had happened and so ready to be able to deal with what I had heard during the night, instead of being terrified!  I wasn’t alone!  All I did was ask for help and it came!
  • I had a big learning experience in one of the classes I teach and my mind was in overdrive, it was telling me what a bad job I had done, etc. etc. and I had enough.  I was lying in bed with my daughter to help her get to sleep, but I was so restless and anxious, I may as well not have been there.  I called out for help again because it had worked so well in the summer and within moments, my mind was quiet and I was at a peace.  I remember lying there, relieved and somewhat in disbelief and then Zara was asleep, just like that. I had been assisted and she felt the shift and she could go to sleep.

Those are the key ones that I wanted to share for now. If you have any stories you’d like to share, please do so.  We are all supported, even in our most unconscious or our most desperate moments.  Believe in yourself, believe in what is possible, even if you don’t understand it yet, it’s there for you, loving you, holding you up, ready to give you the gift of love and company.  Give it a try, you are worth it.

Sweet dreams,

Bradlee

Using the love to find calm

I am grateful for much in my life!  So much has happened in the past year and it’s difficult to comprehend sometimes just how different I am.  I am different, but I guess I’m just getting back to who I really am, instead of living from all the fear, guilt, helplessness and everything else that I grew to know as the true me.

It really is super exciting for me to learn about the real me, my true self and to learn about how to live from my heart, from my truth, so that I don’t get caught and lost like I had in the past.  One of my favorite things to do is to breathe into my heart and bring in all the light and love from the sun, from the universe, from my higher self and breathe it down into my body and feel it.  I love feeling my body start to tingle, to recognize that I am connecting to it, that I am in a sense coming home to live here, in my body, instead of being scattered all around.  I really love feeling the calm and the beauty inside when this happens, I am starting to use that feeling as a guide, that when I’m not feeling it, I’d better stop and breathe and come back to me.  I don’t remember every time, but it is getting easier and it makes such a difference!

I had a beautiful opportunity the other day to teach this to a little girl who was distracted, uncomfortable and in pain.  She had just participated in the kids class that I teach called Playing From the Heart: Kids Connect (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com) and we had shared a picnic together and then we were all playing at the park.  She was upset about her hands and her mom was trying to get her to rinse them off in the splash pad because they were full of sand.  She seemed quite agitated and she couldn’t quite hear her mom, she was too upset about it all.  The girl was close to me so I asked her if she had a “bobo” on her hand because that would be quite uncomfortable with sand in it.  She stopped and looked at me and was calm for a moment, then they went back to trying to rinse it off.  She ran away.  When she came back, she was standing right in front of me.  I asked her if she could pretend like she was holding a fruit in her hand like we did in the class (for more information about the fruit meditation we did, please check out my other website at the following link!: http://playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com/2012/07/22/using-the-fruit-meditation-at-home/).

from: http://www.thelivingvision.com/blog/?m=200808

She cupped her hands around the imaginary fruit.  I let her know that all the love she sent to the fruit, she could now send to her hands to bring the love and calm to her hands so she could feel more comfortable.  She seemed ready to do it, so I asked her if I could help her too and she agreed.  So she held her hands together and I put mine around hers without touching them.  I closed my eyes and sent all my love to my hands and then out to her hands. I could totally feel it going out and over to her hands, it was super awesome, super loving, super beautiful.  I opened my eyes and asked her if she could feel that and she had an interesting look on her face, so I kept doing it and then I knew it was time to stop, so I did.  Her mom was right there and I explained to her that we were doing the fruit meditation and sending the love to our hands to ease her daughter’s discomfort.  I looked at her daughter and asked her again if she felt better, if she had felt the love and she loudly breathed out and she had these huge shivers, and she did that a couple of times.  It was super cool, she looked so calm, so incredulous and so happy all at once.  It was such a gift for me to be able to offer that to her because in the past, I have been so closed off and so scared of uncomfortable situations.   She stood around me for a minute and then it was time for her to go and she left.  I was sitting there smiling so much, so excited to be in a place where I can pass on these tools that I have had to learn for myself to be comfortable again.

Thank you to that little girl for that beautiful opportunity!