Giving myself permission

My husband Robbin and I were having a chat yesterday about our dreams from the night before:

  • My dream: Robbin and I were together and he was crying, telling me how much he has missed me
  • Robbin’s dream: The three of us were together as a family and I was trailing behind, not really participating because I was tired and I was ready to go.

We just casually shared about the dreams, then I went into the bathroom to put something away or to finish cleaning it and I yelled over to the kitchen, “you know Robbin, I’ve always been tired, my whole life!!  I’ve always been tired!!”

Our dreams were showing us what we were leaving behind.  I have had a huge two weeks in terms of self awareness and growth.  I have finally come to see how tired I have been and how fearful I have been of being tired and how that cycle of tired and fear has been controlling me for as long as I can remember.  I think the cycle all revolved around keeping me small and safe, because for so long as a child, I didn’t feel like the world was a safe place and I believed that I was really alone.

With the guidance of the coach that our family sees, I have been able to see these cycles of protection, control, fear and fatigue and they’ve come to a place where they were so obvious that I couldn’t deny them any longer.  There they were:

  • I was planning my life around being tired
  • I was always in fear of being tired and getting sick or overwhelmed
  • I was always scared of not being safe enough, being too vulnerable and small
  • I was controlling the environment around me (including my family and friends) to make sure that I could stay safe and keep our four year old daughter safe.

I’d rather be honest with myself and really look at what has been going on so that I can be free of it.  I don’t want to live a limited life anymore, nor do I want to limit my husband and daughter any longer.  I’m really done with that, it’s been so sad, so scary, so limiting and so resentment causing.  I’ve been resenting people around me who are more free and more open to new opportunities, when I’ve always felt trapped in a little box with super thick walls that I created with the illusion of protecting me and keeping me safe.

All of this has come into my awareness in the past few weeks because in my last healing session, I had a memory come up for me about playing hide and seek when I was a kid.  It was a blessing really, because Zara had been playing hide and seek with her friends and I felt really nervous but didn’t really understand it until the memory presented at my session the next day.

In the memory, I was trapped in a big linen chest, and I remember feeling so scared, so trapped, so helpless, and I felt really alone.  It was a fantastic memory to get to, because it was keeping me so small, it kept me looking through the eyes of that young girl who was scared and terrified.  I was finally able to see how I had such trouble letting my daughter play alone with other kids, that I needed her to be within eye sight so I could make sure she was safe.

It was also somewhat devastating to realize the truth of what I was doing.  I thought I was being a “good parent” by watching her.  In my experience though, being a parent and parenting cannot be defined, it’s really about responding to each situation from the heart and getting to the core of any issues and removing those limiting blocks/memories/emotions so you and your child(ren) can be free.

Thanks to those realization and the growing awareness of what I was doing and why, I have come so far in the past week!

  • I gave Zara some space to play with her friends and she was so comfortable, happy and free!  I even heard her say, “Please stop doing that to me, I don’t like it,” or something along those lines!  I checked in with her once and twice and she was totally fine and was having a blast!  Imagine that!! 
  • I planned an activity/outing for each day of the week, and felt fine!  I was tired occasionally, but I was able to see that I was still safe, that I was never alone!  I was able to use the many tools I have learned to renew my energy and to reconnect to myself to feel good, instead of being locked in being tired and scared.

As a result of all of this, I feel like there is more of me here this week, more of me here to share in the joys of life, more of me to share with myself, my husband, my daughter and my friends.  I am giving myself permission to live my life!!

I continue to marvel at how limited I was and how much more free I get with each time that I look within with Jean’s help (the healer/coach/guide our family sees)!  It seems to me that giving myself the go-ahead to have a blast and be free and know that I am always safe is what I came to this planet to play with and explore.  I’m so happy to have such beautiful people around me to share myself with and to share in the joys of life.  May the walls keep crumbling and may my bright shiny soul fly as I continue to see just how big and strong my wings really are.  I think they may even have bright sparkly feathers:)

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A visit from Green Tara

My daughter and I went to a Buddhist meditation centre in Ottawa two weekends ago for a kids class called Dharma for Kids (http://www.meditateinottawa.org/).  Our family is on this path of opening and healing and living our true lives and I thought it might be interesting and possibly useful for us (thanks to my friend Tonya for mentioning it to me).

The class was comfortable and not overpacked with material, it was nice.  We learned that there are many different buddhas and that they each have a different purpose.  We were taught about Green Tara, and how she is the buddha who is ready to come to protect and comfort those who call for her assistance.  Our teacher, Ananda Kelly, was explaining that as long as you believe in her, she will come to you.  (This image is from: http://www.fpmt-osel.org/gallery/tara.htm).  You can see in the picture that Green Tara’s right foot is uncrossed, it is because she is always ready to come and assist.  You can also distinguish Green Tara because there is always an element about her that is green.

I was super intrigued.  Ananda taught us a chant we can use to call for Green Tara and she taught us how to chant it. The words are, “Oṃ Tāre Tuttāre Ture Soha.”  It is so beautiful and so powerful.  Zara and I really enjoyed chanting it during the class and we have done it since that time.  I have found versions on the internet from searches but none are the same as the way I now have it in my heart from Ananda’s teachings.  If this is of interest to you, you can certainly search around and you will know when you have found the version that is right for you.  I feel like I’ve just learned something new and I’m super at the beginning of understanding it.  I feel called to learn more about her and possibly others, so I will share as I discover:)

The other day, Zara and I were at the beach and she was quite upset after leaving the water, her skin was irritated from the sand and she really just needed some comfort because she was off in some way.  I asked her if we could chant to Green Tara, if that would be comforting, since I know she really enjoys the chant and so do I.  So we tried it and she calmed instantly and it felt really good for me as well, very peaceful, very smooth.  I helped Zara to get all the sand off and then we went to put her dress on and she said, “Mommy stop, look at that.”  I stopped and looked down and there was a green beetle on Zara’s towel.  I said, “Wow, is that Green Tara, wow Zara that is awesome!”  She picked it up and Zara agreed that it was Green Tara and she held her and looked at her for a minute.  I felt blessed, supported and so awestruck all at once.  I realized that I was never really alone, if things were hard, I have other resources other than connecting to my heart to feel the love and to feel strong again, there is outside support that is ready for me.  I now feel that the combination of the two is even stronger for me, and it’s really exciting.  It’s pretty exciting that now I can chant, which calms me and then have the support of a being who I really don’t understand yet, but who is willing to come because I put it out there from my heart and I believed in the possibility of her.

Ear piercing with a three year old

Our daughter Zara first told me she wanted her ears pierced the week before she turned 3.  I wanted to oblige, but part of me was worrying that it would hurt, that she would tug on them, be uncomfortable, or be super upset.  I remember when she asked me this past February and all of that flashed through my mind, and then I said that there wasn’t much time to get it done before her birthday in a few days.  I see now that I don’t think I was ready!!  Tee hee!   I am so grateful that I’m really starting to see when I put all of my life experiences on Zara, when they really don’t apply at all.

A few weeks ago, she said, “I want to get my ears pierced.”  I had somewhat forgotten about it and I said, “okay, do you want to go today?” and she jumped off the couch and was ready to go.  I had stopped in at the mall a few weeks before and had talked to them about the process, so I explained it to her, I said, “they’ll put a device next to your ears, you will hear a loud clicking sound next to your ears, and you might feel some pain, and then you’ll have earrings.”  I asked her if she would be okay with that and she said she was ready to go.  So I suggested that she tell her body that she wanted earrings and that it was going to be okay and that it might hurt but that it could just heal quickly. I figured that if she communicated her intent to her body, it might not be as much of a shock to the body.  So out loud she said, “okay body, I want earrings, so I’m going to get them, it might hurt but you can just heal.”  My heart was really happy, I was thinking that was really going to help…I remember my terror even at 15 or 16 at getting my ears pierced, I remember how it hurt for days, but then I didn’t know that I could work with my body, I didn’t realize that the terror I was feeling would prevent my body from doing what it sooo knows how to do, regenerate and heal.

So back to Zara’s story. I explained that there were two stores at the mall and that she could choose. I told her the names and she chose one based on the name.  I told her we could see both stores when we got to the mall so she could get a sense of the energy of the stores first since she feels energy so much.  She still chose Ardene so we went in.  The music was blaring and to me it felt kind of frenetic in there. I saw her get caught in it, just like I did, so I told her to take her power back from the store and know that this is where she wants to be.  I saw her adjust a bit and settle in.  I learned that trick from Jean Brazeau, our family’s healer/coach guide.  It worked like a charm.  I made sure we found out the person’s name who was going to be piercing Zara’s ears and we talked with her a bit to get more comfortable. She was awesome, she was explaining everything to Zara, and Zara got a chance to pick the earrings she wanted.  She was getting ready to do it when one of her colleagues came over so they could both do it at the same time so that Zara didn’t have to have one ear done and then the other.  The second girl seemed really nervous and pent up, so I tried to send love her way to help her settle so she wouldn’t necessarily send any of that energy over Zara’s way.  They got ready and they went for it.  I could see the look of shock come over Zara’s face, there really isn’t any way to prepare for that I don’t think!  She seemed okay with it, but one of the backs of the earrings didn’t go on properly and the girl was panicking about it.  I looked at Zara and I said, “it hurts, eh?” and she nodded, and I told her it was okay, her body was going to heal and that if she wanted to cry she could.  She didn’t quite yet, because the girl was still fumbling a bit to get the back of the earring on.  I reassured her and we looked at it together and it was on, but not a ton and I told her it was just fine that it would hold and that she could relax, it was okay!  It was funny, she seemed more upset than Zara, she was just trying to make it a good experience for her, it was really sweet.  So then Zara’s eyes filled up with tears, so I scooped her up and I said, “it’s okay, cry if you want, does it hurt more than you expected?” and she nodded and cried.  Everyone in the store was looking so I told her, “see, they all know what it feels like, they remember the shock and they’re sending you some love,” and I think it helped.  So we went out of the store while her dad Robbin paid and I congratulated her because she had done it, she made a decision and she went for it.  She calmed down some and then asked me to put her down and we ran to find a mirror so she could peek.  Once she saw them, she was totally fine, she was running around the mall screaming with delight about her new earrings.  I saw there and then that preparation is helpful and so is the attitude towards the body and it’s abilities.  Zara never once complained about her ears, we never put any alcohol on them and they’ve been fine ever since.  And she’s seemingly much more empowered about her ability to handle painful situations and recover from them, that it’s okay to cry and then move on.  She doesn’t play the victim role like I did when I was little (and did up to a year or so ago!!), so she didn’t need to really experience the pain to get attention or anything.  It’s brilliant, she’s brilliant.  She shows me what’s possible every day!

So I say, let’s empower our kids, let’s explain things to them, let’s give them some options, let’s teach them, let’s guide them and let’s let them flourish and grow and discover their power as they grow and go out in the world.

before ear piercing!
After ear piercing! And she is wearing my new bathing suit top, which was almost as exciting as the ear piercing!

Trusting our kids and ourselves: life lessons since becoming a mama

You become a parent, your life is completely changed forever.  You learn to let go, you learn to trust, you learn to listen to your instincts, you learn to laugh and how to play again.  You learn that your child is completely separate from you, but is attached to you all the same, and that’s okay too.  You learn that your perceptions of a situation are vastly different than your child’s.  You learn that just because you are cold, it doesn’t mean that your child is.  You realize that just because you wouldn’t wear a skirt with a dress, with the dress on backwards, doesn’t mean that your child won’t!  You learn that wearing a tutu with a bathing suit in the middle of the winter is okay because it’s fun and it’s what she wanted to wear today.

You learn that just because you weren’t daring and adventurous as a child, that it doesn’t mean that your child isn’t!  You learn that all the things that you hated while you were growing up don’t apply now and that you don’t need to protect your child from those same things because they aren’t a part of your life anymore.  You learn that healing and letting go of all the pain and sadness inside is the best gift you can give yourself and your child, so you can both be free, so you can be your true selves, live your true lives and not be burdened and boxed in by the old emotions, repressed and unacknowledged.

You learn that Halloween is totally for tricking and treating and for eating all the treats.  You learn that the body can take what it needs and let the rest pass through.  You learn that enjoyment of the food is so much more important than fearing the ingredients in them.  You learn that you have the power, that you always did and that you don’t have to look any further than your own self when you are feeling lost, scattered, scared or overwhelmed.  You learn the same about your body, that it can be trusted, it wants to support you, show you what it can do, that it communicates with you all the time with pain, fatigue and disease as a way to say, hey, this isn’t right.  Let it all go it says, let it all go.  Emotions, fears and limiting beliefs don’t need to run the show any longer.

You learn that making silly faces is awesome and fun.  You learn that your body is beautiful no matter what, it just is, just like you just are.  You aren’t this or that, you just are.  That there isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad, things and you, just are.  You learn to accept things the way they are.  You learn to roll with the punches.  You learn that you are so much more than your feelings.  You learn that you are really great, you are very capable, even brilliant and that all those negative voices in your head aren’t you and that you can find freedom from them.

I’ve healed with Jean Brazeau who does lots of healing stuff like reiki, shamanism, NLP, The Journey, Universalis.  I didn’t know about any of this before and I found Jean because I was desperate.  Now I’m radiant, tee hee, most of the time and those doubting negative voices are leaving and here I am learning all of this with new found freedom and I’m not as hard on myself, I’m not as negative, all of that wasn’t me, it was just repressed emotions and even emotions that my parents felt when I was little, even stuff from past lives.  I’m starting to live my true life and thank goodness.  Thank goodness I am here, I am here for me, I am here to witness my daughter’s beautiful unfolding and I am here, living my life.  Thank goodness.  May the lessons continue and may the trust in myself and my daughter grow.  Peace and goodnight.