Giving myself permission

My husband Robbin and I were having a chat yesterday about our dreams from the night before:

  • My dream: Robbin and I were together and he was crying, telling me how much he has missed me
  • Robbin’s dream: The three of us were together as a family and I was trailing behind, not really participating because I was tired and I was ready to go.

We just casually shared about the dreams, then I went into the bathroom to put something away or to finish cleaning it and I yelled over to the kitchen, “you know Robbin, I’ve always been tired, my whole life!!  I’ve always been tired!!”

Our dreams were showing us what we were leaving behind.  I have had a huge two weeks in terms of self awareness and growth.  I have finally come to see how tired I have been and how fearful I have been of being tired and how that cycle of tired and fear has been controlling me for as long as I can remember.  I think the cycle all revolved around keeping me small and safe, because for so long as a child, I didn’t feel like the world was a safe place and I believed that I was really alone.

With the guidance of the coach that our family sees, I have been able to see these cycles of protection, control, fear and fatigue and they’ve come to a place where they were so obvious that I couldn’t deny them any longer.  There they were:

  • I was planning my life around being tired
  • I was always in fear of being tired and getting sick or overwhelmed
  • I was always scared of not being safe enough, being too vulnerable and small
  • I was controlling the environment around me (including my family and friends) to make sure that I could stay safe and keep our four year old daughter safe.

I’d rather be honest with myself and really look at what has been going on so that I can be free of it.  I don’t want to live a limited life anymore, nor do I want to limit my husband and daughter any longer.  I’m really done with that, it’s been so sad, so scary, so limiting and so resentment causing.  I’ve been resenting people around me who are more free and more open to new opportunities, when I’ve always felt trapped in a little box with super thick walls that I created with the illusion of protecting me and keeping me safe.

All of this has come into my awareness in the past few weeks because in my last healing session, I had a memory come up for me about playing hide and seek when I was a kid.  It was a blessing really, because Zara had been playing hide and seek with her friends and I felt really nervous but didn’t really understand it until the memory presented at my session the next day.

In the memory, I was trapped in a big linen chest, and I remember feeling so scared, so trapped, so helpless, and I felt really alone.  It was a fantastic memory to get to, because it was keeping me so small, it kept me looking through the eyes of that young girl who was scared and terrified.  I was finally able to see how I had such trouble letting my daughter play alone with other kids, that I needed her to be within eye sight so I could make sure she was safe.

It was also somewhat devastating to realize the truth of what I was doing.  I thought I was being a “good parent” by watching her.  In my experience though, being a parent and parenting cannot be defined, it’s really about responding to each situation from the heart and getting to the core of any issues and removing those limiting blocks/memories/emotions so you and your child(ren) can be free.

Thanks to those realization and the growing awareness of what I was doing and why, I have come so far in the past week!

  • I gave Zara some space to play with her friends and she was so comfortable, happy and free!  I even heard her say, “Please stop doing that to me, I don’t like it,” or something along those lines!  I checked in with her once and twice and she was totally fine and was having a blast!  Imagine that!! 
  • I planned an activity/outing for each day of the week, and felt fine!  I was tired occasionally, but I was able to see that I was still safe, that I was never alone!  I was able to use the many tools I have learned to renew my energy and to reconnect to myself to feel good, instead of being locked in being tired and scared.

As a result of all of this, I feel like there is more of me here this week, more of me here to share in the joys of life, more of me to share with myself, my husband, my daughter and my friends.  I am giving myself permission to live my life!!

I continue to marvel at how limited I was and how much more free I get with each time that I look within with Jean’s help (the healer/coach/guide our family sees)!  It seems to me that giving myself the go-ahead to have a blast and be free and know that I am always safe is what I came to this planet to play with and explore.  I’m so happy to have such beautiful people around me to share myself with and to share in the joys of life.  May the walls keep crumbling and may my bright shiny soul fly as I continue to see just how big and strong my wings really are.  I think they may even have bright sparkly feathers:)

Moving beyond roles and labels

I have been so astounded lately at who I really am!  I’ve also been astounded at who I thought I was before and how I tried sooooo hard to put myself into all these different moulds that I thought society, family, friends, teachers and anyone really, wanted me to be.

I had a profound realization this week that I don’t have to be anything or anyone but me.  I don’t need to have a mould that is pre-formed, what if I was just me, and that I was fluid, graceful, formless, without boundaries?  What would happen if I didn’t need to identify with everything society has dictated that we should care about or be?  What if I were to just stop pretending and allow the grace of my light to shine bright and guide me as my true self, without needing to constrict and contort myself any longer?

What if I discovered that I could be a vegan, vegetarian, carnivore, omnivore, whatever-vore all at the same time?  What if I were just to tune into my body on any given day and ask my body what it needs and eat accordingly?  These past two weeks, I have been eating so many vegetables and that was when it hit me, that I could follow the rhythms of my body and be a vegan for a week and then a vegetarian for two, and then eat meat for a week and allow the body to guide me.  What if I didn’t have to limit myself to a category of eating styles?  I was so excited about that realization!!  For years and years, I felt tormented about food choices!  Could I allow myself to be a chocolate bar lover without shame?  Would it be okay if I didn’t only eat organic food?  What if I ate something processed once and awhile?  Would that make me a bad person?  Now I’m seeing that I am free to make my own choices without having to limit myself to a category.  I’ve used food as the example, but it stretches far beyond food.

What if I could clean the house because I enjoy it, not just because I am the woman of the house?  It’s the same for cooking!  What if I could approach all aspects of my life with the same detachment from needing to categorize my behaviors and the roles I play?

Who I am really underneath all the pretense?  Who are we all?

As the shift happens on our planet, the shift to peace, higher levels of consciousness, and opening to our true power, I think we’ll all start dropping the pretenses and we’ll realize that really, we are all the same, we are all wanting to be free, to have the space to create, to experiment, to follow our hearts, to not conform to programs and hard rules, but to be free to fly, to soar, to be.  I am ready to be me, not the me I always thought I had to be me, but the true me, beyond it all!

From the website link (with a very cool poem along the lines of this post: http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/2008/07/you-were-born-t.html)
From the website link (with a very cool poem along the lines of this post: http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/2008/07/you-were-born-t.html)

Energy and Harry Potter

Since I’ve started learning more about energy and actually understanding it, it seems as though there were always so many references to energy in my daily life that I completely missed.  I remember reading the Celestine Prophecy about 7 years ago and I was mesmerized by it, but I wasn’t yet at a point where I could live it and understand it.  I’m grateful to be at a point where energy makes sense to me now!  I will share some more below.

I’ve written in this blog about how the movie The Matrix has many parallels to my life and how the energy work I’ve been doing makes me feel like Neo from the movie!  I’ve always felt like a victim to all the circumstances in my life, I would see the hurt coming at me and I would take it all in and I would suffer.  I am laughing while writing this, it seems so dramatic, but it’s honestly true.  I now see those some bullets and hurts coming towards me, and it really is like The Matrix where Neo dodges the bullets, I see it coming, I bat it out of the way or I shift my body and it goes right past. I’ve cleared out so many emotions, memories and stuck energy that those “bullets” coming at me don’t seem to have the same magnetic charge.

I also sometimes feel like I was given the choice a year and a half ago to take a red or blue pill like in the movie The Matrix.  It was like life said to me, “you are suffering, you are unwell, your health and your life are at their lowest points (I was at the bottom of the pit so to speak), and you have a choice. You can continue in unconsciousness and take the red pill, or you can choose to awaken, you can choose a conscious life, and you can take the blue pill and learn the truth of all that is.”  I chose that blue pill and I haven’t looked back since.  I’ve been learning more about consciousness (awareness), about energy, about God, about life, about my heart, about love and it’s been super eye opening, beautiful and wonderful and challenging.  I’ll never go back to the way I was, I simply am no longer that person, I will never be that way again, I am opening my heart, I am letting the love in and I am letting it shine out and I will continue to learn the truth of all that is until I am fully living from as the light and am having an eternal blast!

So now to a little energy lesson.  We are all made up of energy, we all feel energy, whether we know it or not.  We’ve all felt heavy after interacting with someone who complains or who dumps all their life’s garbage on us.  We’ve all adopted other people’s mannerisms and just laughed it off (myself included).  We’ve all lived in a movie or in the book we’re reading and we’ve gotten a little off track in our own lives because we’re partially still in the movie or book.  I have cried reading Winnie the Pooh to our daughter because Christopher Robbin has grown up and he knows he won’t come back as often to his beloved toys.  I jumped right into that story and lived as Christopher Robin and I felt the remorse and the confusion that the author put into that story from his own life, likely from watching his son growing up.  It was intense. I ended up thinking it was my own story I was mourning, about how I grew up and watched everyone becoming more distant with each other, becoming more mean, more competitive, but really I was living as Christopher Robin, no doubt to me.

Here is another example.  I was recently talking on the phone with someone who was going through a hard time.  Within minutes of hanging up, I was lost, confused, anxious.  I didn’t quite realize what was going on, I was rude to my husband, I felt like running away, hiding and throwing things all at once.  I felt like I was off balance and wrong, but it didn’t quite clue into me what had happened.  I excused myself and went and breathed and connected to myself more deeply and I felt better, but it only lasted for a few minutes.  I was overtaken with desperate thoughts like, “leave me alone, I can’t do this any more, I’m so responsible for you, I can’t take it, I want to crawl into a hole and hide.”  I had just had an energy healing session and had released some similar emotions, so I thought it was just more releasing, so I breathed and tried to let it release.  The short version of this is that I struggled for about an hour, wanting to hide from my family, wanting to run away, before I lay down again and said to myself, “what is this, can someone help me out please?”  I got a picture in my mind of the person with whom I had chatted and I laughed.  “Ohhhhhh” I said to myself!  I commanded their energy to leave my body and I broke energy with them.

We are kind of like magnets with our energy, we attract what we carry in our own bodies, so because it was releasing from me (and there is likely more deeper down), I grabbed onto the other person’s energy (or it grabbed me) and it held fast.  I broke the connection between the magnets, that strong pull and I relaxed and felt like me again.  I learned all of this from the coach our family sees and the tools she has taught us are invaluable and amazing.  I was hijacked, gone, lost, and taken over by this energy and then, when I got the clarity about what had happened, I was able to break free and be me again.  We’ve all felt hijacked, and the truth is, it happens to us all the time, and then we get headaches, leaky noses, or we vomit or have diarrhea as our bodies try to clear it out.  That is what happens when our bodies are left to clear it out, but if we can be conscious of what is going on and assist the body to clear it out by breaking energy, drinking lots of water and being aware of how we are feeling inside, it helps!!

Breaking energy is described in William Linville’s (www.williamlinville.com) book, “Living in a body on a planet,” on page 25,

“Begin by sliding your hands across each other in front of your heart, then pushing your right hand out while bringing your left palm to rest against your heart level.  Focus on your heart chakra. You are breaking energy with the whole world as you’ve known it….This is bringing your consciousness right back through your body…Now bring your attention to a part of your body.  Whether your attention is on a hand, on the neck, even on a toe, it matters not.  Bringing attention to that body part allows you to feel your own presence and welcome it to come forward again.”

From: http://www.cornellenergyclub.com/

I am so happy to have breaking energy as a tool.  It has helped me so much!  It helped me come back to me today when I was completely gone, hijacked and taken prisoner (it felt like that, it seems extreme, but it was such a relief to be back to me!).  I thought of Harry Potter after I recovered and felt like myself again.  For those of you familiar with Harry Potter, I felt like Harry does when he is in front of the Dementors and they start trying to suck his soul out of his body.  He has to try to conjure up a Patronus to ward off the evil, but he’s being sucked away, bit by bit and it takes every bit of his strength and awareness to break free.  Once he is free, he is left tired and feeling drained, which is how I felt today.  I laughed to myself this afternoon after I had had a healthy helping of chocolate, because chocolate is the exact remedy from Harry Potter after he has fought off a Dementor attack. In the third book, Harry gets to/has to eat a lot of chocolate to get his strength back as he learns to ward off Dementors.   I have no idea if I ate a good amount of chocolate because innately I felt like my body needed it, or if the memory of that part of the book was hiding somewhere inside and was telling me to eat chocolate. Either way, I ate the chocolate, I felt better, I went outside and went to the park and felt the wind, I hugged a tree and just got my roots back into the ground.

That’s my story!  I hope you find it interesting!  I wonder if you’ll consider the new tool as a way to feel more comfortable in your body, because really that is what it is meant to do. I wonder if chocolate really is a delectable treat that does more for us than we’ll ever know, maybe J.K. Rowling knew as much!

With love,

Bradlee

I am not my thoughts….how they would have done me in yesterday, but I remembered this truth

You know, thoughts are crazy.  They can take you places, take you to what you believe to be the worst within you, they can show you all the memories, emotions and pain you thought you repressed a long time ago, they can show you your weaknesses and vulnerabilities….if you let them.

I have found so many helpful books, techniques etc for coping with thoughts over the past few years, ways to disassociate myself from them, to recognize that they are not me, to find the present moment instead, and they’ve all been helpful.  I have so much gratitude to Richard Carlson, Don Miguel Ruiz, John Kabat-Zinn, Eckhart Tolle, as well as many others.  If it weren’t for them, I would still think I was miserable and I would still be believing all the thoughts that used to plague me.

Since I’ve started on this healing path, the path to my true self, to living my true life and going beyond all the bullshit that is around us, within us, I have realized that these books, while useful and beautiful, are just tools.  If we can get to the depths of the repressed stuff within us, get it out, then we can find real freedom.  Then we don’t really need to stay in the present moment, or say, okay here are the thoughts, I will just watch them and let them disappear, because when we start welcoming in our true selves, then this just tends to happen naturally.

I read the book, The Journey, by Brandon Bays several months ago, and she developed a process for finding out what we’ve stored in our bodies, getting to the core of it and releasing it.  My heart and soul sang while reading it, they were like, holy shit, get it all out, do you remember this, and this and this, it was almost as if they were willing me, showing me what I had gone through, what I wasn’t allowed to feel, what I had repressed as a result, and they were singing to me, Bradlee, do this, get it out, this isn’t you.

The Journey describes a process you can do yourself with friends to get to the core of what it is you repressed (that is likely causing physical manifestations, I had super digestive troubles and food sensitivities and unexplicable frustration and anger and deep deep abandonment issues).  I was going to do the process with a friend but then found a Journey practitioner (Jean Brazeau, jeanbrazeau@sympatico.ca) on their website and thank goodness I did.  She does Journey work but also does so much more, and she has taught me, shown me how to welcome in the real Bradlee as we’ve worked together to release all the stuff that wasn’t me and each time I’ve gone, I’ve gotten lighter inside and sometimes I can actually feel my body glowing inside, tingling, thanking me for all the work, showing me it’s here to support me, that it is a beautiful tool, not just something that helps me move around and that carries all the pain for me.  Anytime I feel pain now I realize that it’s the next thing that’s coming up for me to see, acknowledge and release.  And I’m learning how to do it on my own now too. Slowly but surely I will start sharing this on the blog!  But I’d like to start with what happened to me yesterday!

So I was with my beautiful family and I kept getting plagued by these awful memories.  One was when our daughter was like 8 months old and she had such a horrible time sleeping, I was exhausted, I was trying to support her, be there for her like I felt I was never supported, and then I was spent.  I was open and vulnerable to what I didn’t believe in.  So I tried it, I let her cry by herself.  I thought I was going to die.  That’s what I was reliving yesterday, even though it was 2 years ago, even though I’ve come so far since then, I’m so much more free, so much more able to live and parent from a place of neutrality instead of “there’s no fucking way I’m going to repeat that for Zara (our daughter).”  And then right after that I remembered one night where I was again so frustrated that she wouldn’t sleep, that I grabbed her hard and swung her and I out of the bed, and my husband came after me and was like, “Bradlee, that was really angry and aggressive, you could have hurt her (she was still young and slightly floppy),” and then I had felt like dying, like I wasn’t worthy, like he hated me and she did too and that I might as well not exist.  All of that came up yesterday and some more too.  There’s no point in mentioning them all. I said, oh ya, here they are, I breathed and I felt the love in my chest, I saw how stuck I had been, how trapped I was back then, I recognized that I did the best I could possibly have done with where I was in my life and I moved on.  Pure and simple.  I didn’t wallow in regret, guilt or self pity, which I would have done less  than a year ago, but slowly I’m letting go of the inner judge, the need to feel guilty like we all have, and the shame and regret.  I’m not having to work at it, it’s just happening slowly as I let more of me in with each time I get out the repressed stuff.

I know this is possible for us all.  I am Bradlee, just me, no one fancy (well, I think we’re all fancy and important, but that we just don’t know it yet!!), and it was my time to see the truth, to welcome myself back in from that dark hole I had to hide myself in all these years.  I pray that we can all do this, that we all find the strength to live our true lives, for ourselves, for our children.  May we all find the freedom to love ourselves and everyone around us.  We are all brothers and sisters and we are all beautiful, we just have to give ourselves permission to see it and know it.

May the words that I share open you up to your magnificence and may I capture my experiences in just the right way (with the least rambling as possible!! tee hee) so that it is simple for me and us all to see that life is so much more than doubts, pessimism, lack of time, cloudy days and “he/she is so much better than me.”

Peace and namaste.

Bradlee

Not judging myself

Finally!!!  Today would have been a day where I would have worried, I would have told myself how badly I screwed it up, that I never learn, I should have done this or I should have done that, and I didn’t!!!!  YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am soooo grateful to Jean (the healer/guide our family will forever be grateful to ) for helping me get here, for helping me release the huge inner judge that was inside, to help me to see how harmful judging is, and how it can creep up on you.  Judging creates such a density around us and within us.  We’ve all felt it, we’ve all felt shitty when we’ve unfairly judged someone, when we’ve judged ourselves, in fact, how can you ever “fairly” judge someone or yourself?  You can’t.  It’s just not worth it.  We’re all beings of love, and we’re all going against our true selves, creating walls, creating barriers to our true selves every single time we judge someone/something or ourselves.  Ohhhhh my goodness, I am so relieved to be on this side.  I’m so hoping to stay here and the moment I get stuck in the judging consciousness again, I’m going to take a deep breath and say, no thank you, I want to live as the love I am, no thanks mind, come on up to where you need to be, here with me with the love.

So today, I thought it would be fun to go grocery shopping, buy some popcorn and watch the fun movie we got from the library yesterday.  It was close to lunch time, but we had eaten lots before going, so I thought, okay, let’s have a little bread with cheese and go watch the movie.  Initially we were only going to watch half of it because 80 minutes can be long for an almost 3 year old but it was fun so we just kept watching.  Then she started to cry and I was able to get her to tell me that it was because we were sitting for too long.  I didn’t break down inside and blame myself like I used to!!  Wow!   Then, we got a little fresh air, read a story or two, then we made the lunch maybe I should have made earlier.  Who knows.  So we ate and giggled at the kitchen counter.  Then she learned how to chop vegetables with a sharp knife. She was really doing well then she poked her finger and it bled a bit.  Somehow again I didn’t blame myself but was able to say, that’s part of learning, are you okay?  She was, so we put a bandaid on and kept going.  Then I realized she was getting tired, so we read some stories, and then I saw it was really time to go lie down and have a nap (which she doesn’t have very often anymore).  So part of me was like, oh shit, it’s 2:30pm, we’re going to be up so late, and then I was able to say, ya so, I love her, I love me and this is how it is, how it needs to be.  She was getting upset because she was tired and there was a tiny bit of pee in her underwear so instead of forcing her to take it off, I asked her if she would want to try on my pair of underwear instead.  So now, she’s peacefully napping late in the afternoon wearing my huge underwear and I’ve since woken up after napping with her and I didn’t fall apart.  I didn’t yell, I didn’t judge, I just let it all flow, even though this wasn’t as smooth as days can be.  I was so excited and I felt how huge this was for me, to  let it happen, to feel it happening and to live it from my heart, not holding a gavel over myself, reading to fucking pound it whenever I make a misstep.  But what is a misstep, really?  It’s just learning, figuring out what the situation needs, and adjusting.  Oh my goodness, what a huge difference for me inside.  I am actually starting to let go of right or wrong, good or bad.

Wow.  I will keep healing with Jean, I will keep reading about alternatives ways to view life and I will keep getting to know myself more, my true self, the person who I really am beyond all the thoughts, emotions, feelings, beliefs and fears.  Yay for my true life, let it be as messy as it needs to be, it’s my life and today I am at peace.

Namaste to me. Namaste to you.  And Namaste Jean. You are an angel.