Hourglass of Humanity

Hourglass of Humanity

To the parts of me that are peeling away and who feel unsafe about where the shedding will take them, I love you.

To the parts of me who feel so broken and unravelling and who don’t know where to go or what to do or how to act, I love you.

To the waves of emotions that wash through me, both gently and with full force, I love you.

I am learning to be the observer of all that happens within me and through me and around me, but the ones who are merging, shedding, peeling away and molting are unsure about how to do this.

Is it me I am feeling or just the waves of emotions that all humans feel?

I do think we are connected through our feelings and through our truest and deepest natures. It’s like we’re an hour glass, collectively and individually, and we feel it when the sand moves from one side to the other, kind of like how humanity is moving from living unconsciously to living more consciously, but the hour glass keeps flipping throughout that evolution, so that we can have the ultimate experience of growth, both personally and collectively.

Today, the hour glass has flipped and I am feeling that despair, that pain, fatigue and exhaustion. By writing this though, I feel better.  The hour glass will tip again and I can watch the grains of sand pouring through me, no matter what they bring along with them to be witnessed, observed and loved.

Peace to you and to all.

Note from me: I wrote this nearly two months ago and it helped me to be more patient, loving and understanding with myself as I was flipping back and forth between feeling blissful and lost. I can sense that I will expand on this topic in the near future as I have more insights from going through this!  May it help you! Namaste!!!

 

Teach Me

I wrote this poem over a year ago now.  It was when I was at the cusp of learning that I wasn’t in charge of my life, that I could turn it over to something different, to God, to the Universe, to the Creator.  I wasn’t sure how to turn my life over, so I wrote this and I liked it.  It helped me to know that I could metaphorically move over, even though I didn’t quite know how, and allow a greater part of me to steer the ship.

Teach Me

Teach me dear Lord how to share my gifts with the world.

Teach me to walk in the light of divinity’s grace so that others walking near me and around me may find the path to the love that they are.

Teach me to spread breadcrumbs and pebbles of light that will shine with your grace so that others may see the shimmer and find it reflecting out of their hearts and their eyes.

Teach me because I don’t know how and I long to share my gifts.

Teach me.

My heart hears your song in the wind.

My hands long to hold the hands of those lost in the darkness;

to whisper to them to follow the path to the light and

to remind them of their own grace,

your grace.

Teach me to love my own heart so that the love overflows and ripples out to all hearts.

Teach me to be kind to myself so that I have more to give others.

Teach me to surrender and bow to the divinity that courses through me.

Teach me to dance in the full spectrum of light that I am.

Teach me to sing to the oceans with my voice and to drum my praise and gratitude.

Teach me to lead when I don’t know the way.

Teach me to relax and have faith in your everlasting presence and love.

Teach me to be a master so that I may dance, sing, love and embrace all that is.

Teach me to become fully integrated, so that I may welcome home all the lost, banished and shamed parts of myself.

Teach me.

May the waters of heaven wash through me and cleanse my body, spirit, mind and soul.

May the waters of heaven wash through the hearts of all.

May we all sing our songs

once again.

What our experiences can teach us if we are willing to see it

I think we’ve all heard, “it happened for a reason,” about an experience that we are going through or have gone through.  Sometimes that statement can be so obviously true, or super infuriating if the experience is what we may deem as horrible and painful, and it may lead us to wonder what we have done to “deserve it.”

The guide that I’ve been going to see for nearly two years now to clear out all the old energies, karma, emotions and memories, has been repeating several truths to me and I’m starting to get that our experiences can teach us and show us that which we haven’t wanted to see, if we can allow it and be willing to look deeper.

Last week, I got off the bed in our spare room, stepped onto the floor and a sharp, stabbing pain filled my foot!  I screamed out really loudly and I was scared about what could have caused it. I felt the panic rising in my chest and I was nervous.  I gently took my sock off and there was a small piece of wood sticking out of it.  I’ve had splinters before, but this seemed more like  a shard of wood or something and it frightened me even more.  My husband wasn’t home and I realized I was going to have to deal with it myself, which I rarely have done in my life.  My Dad was always my splinter remover and that job just fell to my husband since he was good at it.  I never questioned it, but just said to myself, “ya, I must go to a man to get my splinter removed.”  Ha, I’m laughing as I type this because that thought was so true.

I hopped over to the bathroom to get some tweezers and I was really starting to feel like a victim by the time I got there.  Despite all the tools I have learned for connecting to myself, breathing deeply, acknowledging the fear and feeling it, I was in panic mode and no tool thoughts were able to enter through the panic I was feeling.  I grabbed the tweezers and yanked it out.  It was still really throbbing and painful and I lay on the bed and tried to come deeper into my body and to send some love to where the pain was. It was only after the piece of wood was out that I was able to start using some tools, but the panic had taken over and it was slower going than if I had connected to myself right away.  That’s okay, it was all part of what I was meant to learn and see.

I limped a fair bit on and off for nearly a week, so I figured that there must be another piece of wood in my foot, which kind of kept me in a slight fear mode for that entire week.  Finally, the day came when I walked and the pain was so excruciating that I knew that there must be more wood in there and that my body had been working so hard to push it closer to the surface for me. I had probed around with the tweezers when I initially took it out but I hadn’t been able to see anything.  So, after feeling that pain at the end of the week, I knew that I would have to break through the skin (yikes!) and pull out the beast!

Robbin (my husband) and I were armed with tweezers, nail clippers and needles to try to get it out, and I was squirming and too scared to let Robbin try to take it out.  I tried myself and I felt a lot of “this is so hard, this is going to hurt, I can’t do this,” thoughts and energies moving through my body, so I stopped and breathed and connected to myself.  I thought then that I could let Robbin do it, but it was like I just couldn’t, so I decided to try it myself again.  It got a little easier and less scary, and then I stopped and realized that the reason why this happened to me was so that I could take back my power from splinters and from my body being hurt and hoping/asking that others take care of me.  I mentioned that to Robbin and I felt much lighter inside.  I was able to really dig out the thick skin (yikes, but this time it was much less of a yikes) and then I was able to grab it. I breathed, got the tweezers ready and I pulled it out.  It was sooooo long and thick, it was crazy!  It was an inch long and a millimetre thick at one end and likely a millimetre and a half at the other end.  I exclaimed out loud about it and then I didn’t want to look at it!  Robbin encouraged me to, to look at it, appreciate what my body had gone through, and what a personal victory I had just achieved in its removal.  I looked at it from that perspective and marvelled at it and I felt so free, so happy, so empowered!  It was the biggest splinter I’d ever seen and I was able to see the lesson it had for me and I was able to free myself from the grip of “help me, I don’t know what to do, I can’t do this by myself.”  Hooray!

I took out the garbage that night and it was really cold and refreshing and I got to the end of the driveway and I looked around and then I was overwhelmingly compelled to run up and down the driveway pumping my arms in the air and yelling, “I did it, yes I did it!”  Tee hee, I don’t think anyone saw me, but if they had, they would have joined me I’m sure!

I hope to keep getting the secret messages that my life’s experiences have to share with me!

A choice

I felt choice-less for so long.  It feels really long, even though it was about 31 years, well no, closer to 32, which is how old I am now.  It’s taken me a year and a half of work with an amazingly loving and beautiful and intuitive energy healer to get to the realization that I have a choice.  Every day, every minute, every second.  I can choose how I want my life to be.  I can choose.  Wow.  I had no idea.  I was living in such a helpless and choice-less place.  In fact, I think it’s pretty awesome that I’m starting to see that I have a choice, that I have a voice I can use, that I have legs that can move my body if I’m not pleased with where I am, and that I have a light inside that I can amplify so that I can bask in my light, in my love and always know that I am safe and loved and cared for.  Even if it had taken me my whole life, it would have been a worthy lesson, a lesson that would have been a huge accomplishment to have learned in one life time.  And now, here I am, every day, remembering that I can choose.

During my last healing session, which I kind of thinking of as a “cutting the cord” healing and a “finding my voice” healing, I remember saying to Jean, “you know, I look forward to the day when I don’t feel guilty or bad about things.”  Tee hee.  Jean looked at me, so intensely, so seriously and she said,” well you know Bradlee, you can wait for that day, or you can choose it now, you really don’t have to wait.”  Hahaha, I think you could have heard the light bulb turning on or the proverbial click, “aha, she got it!!”  It settled into every cell in my body, which was super exciting!  I have a choice!  Wohoo!!

So, a week or so later, I asked my daughter who is 3 if she could feel that I had been worrying about her when we were out at a friend’s house.  She said she could feel it.  I started to feel bad and then I said, “you know Zara, one of these days, I won’t worry about you any more, because you are so capable and so perfect in every way,” and then, I heard it again, the click, this realization, the choice that I had at that exact moment.  WOW!!  I said, “oh my goodness Zara, I have a choice!!  I don’t have to worry about you any more, right now, I can do this!  I don’t have to choose to do this any more!!”  I got really excited and I bolted right up.  I don’t remember if I sang, or danced, or if that was only an internal thing, but it was like a huge weight off of me and off of her.  I felt the difference, I was able to feel the weight of that worry, and I knew it was gone, that I had made a conscious decision to let her be herself, to trust her, to trust her inner knowing, which is so strong, so wise, so powerful.  As I’m healing, I’m learning to trust myself, to stop worrying about myself, so as I am letting go of the need to protect myself, it’s extending to Zara because I was so over-protective of her.  Now I see that I can also choose to let her go, let her be herself and to learn more to trust herself and to learn how capable she is without her mother always there, hovering.  My mom did the same for me, she was always there, protecting me one way or another because that inner need to protect your child is so strong, especially since it stems from all of your own past hurts.  For many reasons I’m now starting to understand (from this life and many past lives), I always felt so unloved, so unsafe, so scared.   If I can free myself and let myself be free, and let myself be me, then Zara will be herself, instead of a shadow of herself, like I always felt like I was.  I was barely there, that’s what it felt like.  May this letting go, may this choice, allow my daughter and I greater freedom, greater independence, greater trust and great love!!

When I was at Jean’s house for that last healing, Jean had turned off the soft music because she had felt like it was distracting me.  We went into this huge boil I had on my inner thigh to find out what was in there and it was my mom’s voice, yelling at me to leave her alone because she was busy and didn’t have time for me then.  I remember being little and even older and kind of hanging around her, looking for love, for play times, for connecting and she would ask me if I needed her to entertain me and she asked me to go do something else.  Whenever she said that, I felt awful inside, it always seemed so cruel, so hurtful, so loud, so scary, I didn’t want to be alone, I was so terrified of being alone, even if it was just by myself to play.  I think we all have that place inside, where we want to scream out, “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”, especially as a mother of young children, who is trying to do everything perfectly, be responsible, to love her kids, to give her kids what she didn’t have, but not having enough time for herself.  I think all moms can relate to that, I have certainly felt it, as well as it’s opposite, “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.”  It can be quite a confusing dynamic to life out in daily life, and as I’m seeing it, how I was stuck in that, I can now appreciate all the confusion I felt!!

During the healing, I had to go inside and find that 3 year old me who had learned that it was better not to speak, better to be seen rather than heard, she who came to think she wasn’t good enough, wasn’t love-able and who was worthless.  I cried alot and then I sent her to the light with her true family.  She didn’t want to leave at first, she was too scared, so Jean helped me to love her and to coach her that she was okay, that she had done her job, that she could go home to the light.  I always love that part, I remember feeling all those little selves my whole life, controlling me, trying to protect me, trying to keep me safe, when really the circumstances had changed and yet, they were limiting me, creating my reality.  So, to find them inside, to hear their messages, to allow myself to feel the pain I was never allowed to feel, to express the emotions that were shoved down (again, we all do these things), and then to send them to the love and light, wow, it is truly transformational and pure and beautiful.    There was another little me in there too, a 6 month old me who was alone in her crib, crying out, feeling unsafe and unloved and wanting protection while my parents were in the hallway fighting.  It’s amazing, I never remember my parents fighting, they were so not the fighting kind (if they had disagreements it was usually non-verbal, but I remember feeling it nonetheless), but there must have been that time very early in my life.  I had absorbed the anger and fear from their argument, the leave me alone, and the please don’t leave me that were cycling back and forth during that argument.  It’s what happens to all children and really to all of us, if we aren’t aware, if we aren’t grounded in our bodies, the energy of the argument comes right in and stays there, even if it isn’t our argument, and then an hour later we have a headache and we don’t know why.  I can think of all those times I felt heavy after being around certain situations and that heaviness now makes sense!!

After experiencing the feelings I had as a 6 month old, we released her to the light too.  Then Jean had me envision a cord between my mom and I, and then she had me cut it.  I saw a picture of us falling apart, and then she quickly said, “okay, now seal it with your love.”  I LOVED that part!  It was so loving, so beautiful, so true, so in respect of the relationship with my mom, it was almost like a way of saying, ‘all that happened, it’s okay, we’re going to live side by side in the love,  not in a crazy mother daughter knot any more, it’s okay, we’re good, I love you mom, thank you for all that you have done for me and thanks for your support as I grow and become my true self.” I really felt nice.  Then I did it with my daughter and I, a shorter version because Jean hadn’t suggested it, but it felt right, to allow for her and I have to that same love, that same space, that same side by side dancing, instead of knotted tangled attempts at life.  Then, the music turned on, just like that and much louder than before when Jean had turned it off.  We both looked at each other, the stereo was on the other side of the room, and we were both silent.  She looked at the clock and it was 12:12pm and she kind of gasped, and she said, “Bradlee, it’s 12:12pm, it’s a number of a huge opening for you (she explained that any double numbers are representatives of openings in a life).”  Then she paused and she said, “Archangel Michael is here, wow, let’s just sit here with our eyes closed and take all of this in.”  I felt radiant and beautiful and then I cried a bit because I felt worthy, I felt loved and protected.  I had experienced this huge opening for my mom, myself and my daughter, a beautiful loving opening and Archangel Michael came to support me and to give me his love and he turned the music on.  I basked in it and felt the possibilities.  I remember crying on and off and I know we talked a bit more afterwards.  Jean had told me, “Bradlee if you don’t believe that you are supported and being cared for after this…” and then I knew, without a doubt, that I was loved, that God was with me, that angels are with me, and that they truly are with all of us, because if they are with me, they are with all of us. I had given up on God, Jesus and angels and all of it, and they keep coming to me to show me they’ve always been there, that I can call on them if I need them and that they are here for me to support and love me.

An aside: Please check out this link if you are interested in a story about how my daughter and I called on Green Tara (a Buddha) and she came to help us!  We are truly supported: https://livingmytruelife.com/2012/06/25/a-visit-from-green-tara/

Wow.  Is there any other word I can write than wow?  Maybe thank you.  Maybe there are no words, but rather I can live my true life, and be grateful that I am here, that I am questioning the old, letting go of the old, and welcoming in my truth and living really and truly from that place.

Before I finish this post, I’d like to add that I’ve always been scared that I have a bad singing voice. It’s always seemed so weak and scared to me. I can think of many times when I have been told that I am not a good singer, or felt like I was no good at singing, etc., so it never really surprised me.  Now that I’m teaching family and kids yoga and singing a lot, I was thinking I would get some voice lessons, to be able to project my voice and find it’s power.  I came home after this healing last Monday and I sang a song for my daughter and there was so much power and volume in my voice, I didn’t recognize it.  I tried it again, there it was, my voice, loud and powerful!!  And it sounded nice!!! By releasing those energies that day, it freed up my voice to the next level, so I could speak up for myself, so that I could find the power within and sing it out.  What a true blessing and gift.  I’m honored, thrilled and very excited to see how I continue to shift and evolve and open as I commit to myself, totally and completely.

With love and much peace,

Bradlee

How I took attachment parenting too far

Before you are a parent, it’s easy to judge, to watch parents, and think that you could do such a better job.  We have all done it.  When you are a parent, you reel, you think, wow, how could this be so hard, how could I be so unprepared for this?  Why didn’t anyone tell me that this little being would open me up so much, that I would be so filled with love for him/her and with pain from my own childhood, all at the same time?  Even if they had told me, you wonder, would you have listened, would it have sunk in?

I was so ready to love a child, that much I knew, but that was the extent of it.  After Zara was born in early 2009, I felt so much love for her, I was soooo happy, I wanted to love her, honor her, squeeze her and kiss her and I wanted to have a chance to do it right.  I thought to myself, maybe I can do this better than my parents, better than other people, maybe I can really do this.  Ha, I used to be so judgmental, even in loving my own child, I had to compare it to others.  I am so happy to continue to pull out of that consciousness that encircles our planet, the judgement, the need to be better, the need to compare, it’s getting easier just to be me, thank goodness.

After Zara was born, there were times when she wouldn’t sleep.  I watched others with babies that slept, so I thought I must have been doing it wrong.  I tried and tried and tried, unaware that trying was what might have been making it harder; trying to be perfect, trying to help her so she never cried, so she would never feel alone like I so remembered feeling.  After a lot of trying and crying, I started reading more and more parenting books.  I read about Attachment Parenting, principles of which include:

-co-sleeping, baby-wearing, breast-feeding and extended breast-feeding, not controlling your child, but rather giving them permission to be themselves, not forcing your child, but guiding them, baby-led weaning, gentle discipline, unconditional parenting, mindful parenting, etc.

I read so many books and I joined an awesome local Attachment Parenting group where I met like-minded people!!  Whenever Zara would nap, she needed to be in my arms, so through reading those books, I was able to accept that she needed to be in my arms to nap (or else she would wake up), so I accepted that for 2-ish hours a day, I would be sitting on the bed, reading.  I took advantage of that time and I read.  I filled myself up with all of these ways to honor my daughter in ways that I never knew possible.  I armed myself with those principles and they became my bible….

I have met so many beautiful parents who are attachment parenting (AP), doing what they feel is best for their child.  It is truly exciting to see so many parents who just aren’t willing to let their kids cry themselves to sleep, or to be let alone in their rooms to cry until they can “calm down.”  There are many more of us who are aware of what we experienced as children and who are trying to do better for their children.  I think the irony is that in the trying, we end up doing the exact opposite of our parents, and then there we are, right at the other extreme, and really, is that any better?  Maybe if I share my story a bit it will help to explain what I went through and what I see other people doing.

I decided that I was going to use every single principle from those books I read: we would limit praise, we would get creative to help Zara transition, we would co-sleep, I would breastfeed until she was ready to wean, she would never be left to cry it out by herself (I had tried that a couple of times in my most desperate moments and I felt like I was a tiny baby again, crying by myself, feeling like I was dying inside, so thankfully it didn’t last more than 3-4 times), we would follow her lead, we would give her lots of leeway, I would carry her in a baby carrier or baby backpack, I would limit how much I would leave her because it was always hard on both of us when I left, etc.   Again, I used all of those principles as my bible, if something happened, I would scan my mental list of attachment parenting tools and I would use the gentle approaches to help us.  Is that wrong, is it a bad thing?  No not necessarily.  It really helped us, but it was extreme and I will elaborate.

It got to the point where it was like Zara was controlling us.  I was so desperate for her to feel loved and appreciated, that I gave myself up. I used all of those tools from the attachment parenting books and I used them to my detriment, even to Zara’s detriment.  I never gave myself permission to say no to her, I did everything I could all the time to say yes.  I thought it was horrible if she cried, so I did dances so she wouldn’t cry.  I tried to keep her happy at all costs.  I sacrificed my well-being, the well-being of our family and my relationship with my husband even, just to employ those principles.  It was like I had read those books through the eyes of a 2 year old hurt me, and I vowed to follow them no matter what, even when I was suffering inside from using those AP principles.  I remember so many incidents where I was using some tools, thinking I was “doing so well”, because I was doing what I had read, but somewhere inside I knew I had gone too far. I even judged other parents for not AP parenting, and I remember judging other AP parents for not being AP enough.

It wasn’t until I got really sick and couldn’t eat anything any more, that I started to see it.  The naturopath I saw told me, “you are reactive parenting,” and I remember being shocked, horrified. What, I thought, how could I be reactive parenting, I’m an AP parent!!  But she was right.  I was viewing my daughter’s life through the eyes of all those hurt inner children who I was still carrying inside and I was reacting to the past hurts I had experienced, from a place of “there is no f&*^king way I’m doing that to Zara.”  And there it was.  I was reactive parenting.  Wow. What a good call!!  Hahaha, it was hard to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to hear, and that comment started me on my path to my soul, to my awakening from the depths of unconsciousness, to the awareness and the place I am in now, more connected to myself, more aware, more balanced than I ever thought possible.

So now, I ask myself, am I still off balance, are there more ways I can come more to the middle, to be living and parenting from my heart and not from the hurts?  I have come so far, I am so proud of myself, so proud of my daughter for how far she has come as I have opened up my heart and let go of the hurt that kept me so deeply locked in protection mode and so proud of my husband for doing the same work, so we can each be free and be a more cohesive and happy and balanced family unit. I am so happy that I am working to get to this balanced place, so I’m not carrying around as much anger towards my parents, instead I can love them and honor them and really and truly know that I am just like them, doing the best I can, through different paths, not one path being better or any more worthy than another. It is truly a different life for me and for my family and I am feeling so blessed and loved.

I can always come closer to the middle, to a more balanced place and I am exceptionally committed to that, to living my true life, instead of one that is chosen for me by emotions, judgement and fear.  No longer.

I ask you, are you at one of the extremes with your parenting?  Can you be honest with yourself and take baby steps to come back to the middle?  I send you love and support as you love yourself and your family and take a look.

With love,

Bradlee

I know….

Before I start, I just want to say a few things!

The inspiration for this post comes from many places:

  1. My friend Julie Keon’s essay: http://www.whatiwouldtellyou.com/, it went viral quickly.  She is bold and beautiful and has much to share with the world.
  2. From the people whom I have met in this past year of opening and healing, all of whom have showed me what I have left behind, the pain, the sadness, the fear, the little kid-ness inside (that place of hiding behind your mom’s leg).  I’m not saying that I don’t have any of these emotions inside any more, but there are less, and their pull on me is far less, but as a result, I can see it so much more in people’s eyes, all that is not them, but that they believe to be them.  For them, I write this post, from my heart, from what I have behind, so that they may know that they are not alone, that all that they feel, all that is within is not them, that they can connect to their heart to feel their love, their glory and their beauty, if they so choose of course, because that it not everyone’s journey as I am quickly learning.

_______________

I know what you are feeling.  I know that look in your eyes. I know you want to run and hide from me right now.  I know you’d wish that you didn’t have to be in this room with all of these people.  I know what it feels like for you when you are alone. I know what it feels like, having to protect yourself all the time, having to protect those around you, but not really wanting that responsibility because it is so heavy, it is almost like carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders, and it truly is too, that heaviness, that weight.  Why should you be responsible, right, especially when all you want to do is run and hide and protect you, but wait, then there’s the guilt, the guilt of not being able to care for them, not being able to take care of them, love them and shelter them and give them all you didn’t have.  It doesn’t matter who “them” is, for you, you know who they are, you know what it is inside that is grabbing you, that is reminding you that it is there, that it is heavy, that it won’t let you go, that it’s slowly killing you, the real you inside, the glory and the light, if only you knew about it, right inside you, so you could cling to that divine beauty who you truly are, instead of all the fear and guilt that is only pulling you further and further away from you, from the real you.  I can see past it now, I can see you, I can see your possibilities and they are endless.  I know you know about them.  I know you have felt your glory on occasion.  And it’s brilliant, it’s amazing, it astounds you, but then it goes and it leaves you feeling even more confused and alone. I know.  I remember that.  I remember the disappointment, the feeling betrayed by my own life, by God, by everyone around me, why do they hate me, you ask?  Why do they leave me when I need them, why do I push them away?  I know all of those questions, all of those feelings, I know.  I wish I could hold you and tell you it’s all going to be okay, because it is possible, you are the Creator of your own life, you can do it, did you know?  I now know it, but I didn’t before.  I would like to share that with you.  Did you know that you have a choice, that you are divine inside, that God is within you, God is within all of us, and he is in everything, God wants to experience life through us, to get to know Him/Herself better, just as we are here, living this life, we can choose, do we want to live it all, the good and the bad, because from there, we can rise, we can move beyond, and we can live from our heart, and from that place, all of this, all of this we call life, will just happen, without any attachment to outcomes, you can just be, you can breathe, you can drink water and feel nourished, you can hear your own heart song, the pounding of your heart within, guiding you, you will hear it louder and stronger and you will live from that place, you can choose in what lifetime you want to do it, you can let it take many lifetimes to get there and that’s okay, it’s your choice.  But you’ve already lived from that place of fear and despair and guilt, do you like it?  Do you really think there is anything else you can learn from that place?  If there is, fine, go for it, and then be ready, be ready to jump into the huge pool of love that is warm and safe and is surrounded by millions of people with outstretched arms, waiting to hold you, because you’ll actually allow for it, you’ll allow them to get close and you’ll see that there is nothing really real about fear, that you can walk through it to discover the love, the beauty of the world and the beauty of you.  Can you imagine it?  Allowing others to help you?  Allowing yourself to experience pain and then rise above it because you don’t have to beat yourself up any more, you don’t have to live in a place of guilt, because you’re starting to see how it and judgement pull you away from your heart, from your possibilities.  So when you are ready, we’ll be around that pool of love and I know, you’ll say, really, is this real, and I’ll laugh with you and I’ll remember how it first felt for me when I jumped in and was okay, and that I’m still okay, in fact I’m better than I ever could have dreamed because I have opened my arms, and yes, I still feel the fear sometimes, I acknowledge it, and I breathe through it, sometimes I cry, sometimes I feel small, but I know that it doesn’t have to be that way any more, I can release that energy that wants to come up from within and soar as more of my divine self comes right back in to fill in the holes that were previously filled with fear and guilt and judgement.  You can choose.  I know, it seems crazy, but we can.  You can.  When you are ready, I am here for you, I love you and I always will because we are all one, we all are the same inside, and we all have that beautiful place of love inside and we can all support each other in getting in touch with it each day, we can help each other instead of judge and push away.  It is possible.  I know it because I am living it.  I know it because truth is unmistakable.  God and love are unmistakable.  I didn’t have to read a book to discover God and my divine love, I have experienced it in my heart as I let it all go, and I know God is there with me now, it is truth because we are God and God is within us.  When you are ready, you can do it.  I know…. I know.  You can choose love, you can choose you, you can choose.  Take a breath, put your hands on your heart, feel it beating, breathe and breathe, feel it slow down as you touch your chest, feel it slow down and take you there, to the love, to your essence.  Keep holding it. Think of love, whatever that means for you, care, gratitude, appreciation, whatever it is.  Think of how you felt when you felt like there was still something to hope for.  Feel that hope.  It is your heart, knowing what is possible.  Breathe and connect with it, and let it guide you.  Be ready to hear it’s guidance.  I know.  It sounds crazy, but did you see how calm you just got?  It’s possible.  I know.

With everlasting love and many blessings.

Namaste,

Bradlee

When you are ready, you will find love is always there, within you. I have no idea how this happened, but I made an unintentional heart shaped pancake. This morning I lay on the pillow with wet hair to let out some fear and cry and I got up and there was a wet heart-shaped spot. It is everywhere, when you ready, let it in, let it out, feel it and be it.

I Choose Love

I went to a conference day with Gregg Braden last weekend with my husband Robbin.  This was really significant in my life for many reasons:

  1. Gregg Braden is amazing (http://www.greggbraden.com/)!  He opened up my heart even further through his messages, his words of encouragement, his explanations of how the world is transforming and how we can connect to our hearts to support our planet and all of us with the love that we have inside,
  2. I actually left our daughter Zara for the whole day with someone other than Robbin.  This is huge for me, I have overcome some super deep and strong abandonment fears that were keeping me locked up tight, that were preventing me from leaving Zara for more than 2 hours without huge panic setting in.  I have worked with an energy healer (world miracle worker!) Jean Brazeau and I have released so much of the energy and fears inside that were keeping me prisoner.
  3. My mom came up for the weekend from Montreal (we live in Ottawa) and we had a fantastic time together.  I love my mom dearly and I was so pleased that she was able to come (for the first time since Zara was really little) to spend time with us.  It was also huge because I was able to be pretty open and loving with my mom, because I’ve moved through so much of the energy that was keeping me in a game of blame and lack of control with my mom.

I wanted to share what I took away from the Gregg Braden conference because it was so profound.  He shared a song with us from Shawn Gallaway called I Choose Love.  I have posted the link here for you to view:

It has become my new anthem, I sing it constantly in my head, to remind me that I have a choice.  I feel like that is what my life has come to, knowing that I have choices, that I am the Creator of my own life, my own experiences, my own thoughts, all of it.  I get to choose.  This song is exactly what I need to be reminded of that choice, when the emotions come up so strongly and they are threatening to pull me under, to the darkness, to where I no longer want to live… I have lived that way, I don’t want to go back there.  This song allowed me enough time today when I felt a huge surge of anger coming up (that really was not justified at all), to choose love, to feel the anger, but to choose love and to walk away, to deny that anger the power it wanted to have over me.  I know that I will have to look at that anger because it is there but I don’t want it to take me over so that I am it’s prisoner, saying things and throwing the things that it wants me to.  I am choosing love.  Shawn Gallaway wrote this song two days after the twin towers were blown apart by airplanes in 2001.  He felt so moved to share with the world even during that confusing time, that we all had the choice then, to respond to a huge crisis with love.  We all knew what would happen if there was retaliation, more heartache, more deaths, more tears, more anger, but if we could choose to live from the love we all have within, the world could change, there wouldn’t be that anger that drives us to hurt others (physically or emotionally) not when we live from the love.

This is a painting called I Choose Love, by Shawn Gallaway, the singer and author of the song I Choose Love.

When you truly connect to your heart, there is only love, there is no anger, no hurt, no aggression, no pain.  Gregg showed it to us at the conference using technology from HeartMath: http://www.heartmath.org/. The technology they have developed helps people to know when they are truly connected to their heart, to their love.  The heart has an electromagnetic field around it, within it and it has the same frequency as one of the electromagnetic fields of the earth’s atmosphere.  HeartMath is demonstrating, through their science and technology, that when we connect to our hearts, we can influence the electromagnetic field of the earth’s atmosphere.  This was first discovered after 9/11, the weather satellite data showed a huge spike in the electromagnetic field of the planet and the scientists didn’t understand why that was.  When they looked at the date and time of the spikes, they correlated directly with September 11, 2001 at 9:15am, which they postulated was about the time it took until the first plane hit and for the media to spread it around the world.  The whole world connected to their hearts during that time and as a planet, we changed the electromagnetic field of one of the layers of the atmosphere.  There is now an initiative started by HeartMath and Princeton, called the Global Coherence Initiative (GCI) (http://www.glcoherence.org/), which has the purpose of “uniting people in heart-focused care and intention, to facilitate the shift in global consciousness from instability and discord to balance, cooperation and enduring peace.”  It all comes back to how powerful we each are when we live from a place of love, not from fear.  It’s really about what you choose.  As a planet, if more and more of us can choose love, it will make it easier for other to choose love, for our leaders to make the same choices from love, to see what is truly possible for our planet, for all of us.  If we can each connect to our hearts, not only will our individual lives be easier, but those of our children, our families, our neighbors, our fellow city-members, province-members, country-members, and it expands out, just as our love does from our heart.  If you are at all skeptical, you will find all you need on the HeartMath and GCI websites, including tools and scientific devices to measure your coherence with your heart.  It was beautiful to be in the room with Gregg Braden as he played the song I Choose Love and to feel the love and the hope of possibility in that room.  It was powerful to see the HeartMath technology measure the heart coherence (the coherence is a level between 1-100 of how connected you are to the heart through hertz, which is the measurement of the electromagnetic field) of our room and the participants in it and for us to see it out of coherence and then to see it at 100% coherence after all 400 of us closed our eyes, touch our chests right where the heart is and think of care, gratitude and appreciation.  That was it, physical touch, and thinking of care, appreciation and gratitude.  It seems really simple and it is, and we can all do it.  We can all have that impact on our own lives and those of our fellow earthlings!!

Robbin, Zara and I are going to become members of the GCI and we will learn the tools to connect to the heart (in the event there are more we don’t know) and we will log on to their system and send out of love when others in the world are logged on too, to unite in care and love, to send love to parts of the world that are currently in crisis and that would benefit from some extra love and heart coherence.  It truly is beautiful.  You want to change your life and the world?  Here is an actual tool!!!  Use it.  I know we will. I know I will use it to teach my kids class, Playing From the Heart: Kids Connect, where I teach kids about love and how powerful they are and how they can find peace whenever they need to, within themselves.  I love it.  I love it because I was so sad and so desperate at so many points in my life and I now know that life doesn’t need to be like that.  I can choose love.  I can choose to connect to my heart and feel the love.  Beautiful.  Let’s support each other and grow in love, life doesn’t have to be this hard, our world doesn’t need to be full of war, our children can lead the way and we can hold them and love them and let them be the love instead of shutting it down.  Yes, I choose love.  What will you choose?

I’ll finish this post with a quote from Gregg Braden, okay it won’t be a quote but it will be slightly paraphrased!!

“Our world is transforming and in the new world age that we will soon begin, the question will not be ‘what can I get from the world?’, it will be ‘what can I do for the world that is emerging?”  I loved that.  It’s about sharing the love and not living from that place where everyone owes you because you are a victim, but switching the perspective to thinking of what you can contribute to the world, and from that place, abundance will be yours, through love and giving and gratitude.

Namaste and thanks for reading:)

Bradlee