Giving myself permission

My husband Robbin and I were having a chat yesterday about our dreams from the night before:

  • My dream: Robbin and I were together and he was crying, telling me how much he has missed me
  • Robbin’s dream: The three of us were together as a family and I was trailing behind, not really participating because I was tired and I was ready to go.

We just casually shared about the dreams, then I went into the bathroom to put something away or to finish cleaning it and I yelled over to the kitchen, “you know Robbin, I’ve always been tired, my whole life!!  I’ve always been tired!!”

Our dreams were showing us what we were leaving behind.  I have had a huge two weeks in terms of self awareness and growth.  I have finally come to see how tired I have been and how fearful I have been of being tired and how that cycle of tired and fear has been controlling me for as long as I can remember.  I think the cycle all revolved around keeping me small and safe, because for so long as a child, I didn’t feel like the world was a safe place and I believed that I was really alone.

With the guidance of the coach that our family sees, I have been able to see these cycles of protection, control, fear and fatigue and they’ve come to a place where they were so obvious that I couldn’t deny them any longer.  There they were:

  • I was planning my life around being tired
  • I was always in fear of being tired and getting sick or overwhelmed
  • I was always scared of not being safe enough, being too vulnerable and small
  • I was controlling the environment around me (including my family and friends) to make sure that I could stay safe and keep our four year old daughter safe.

I’d rather be honest with myself and really look at what has been going on so that I can be free of it.  I don’t want to live a limited life anymore, nor do I want to limit my husband and daughter any longer.  I’m really done with that, it’s been so sad, so scary, so limiting and so resentment causing.  I’ve been resenting people around me who are more free and more open to new opportunities, when I’ve always felt trapped in a little box with super thick walls that I created with the illusion of protecting me and keeping me safe.

All of this has come into my awareness in the past few weeks because in my last healing session, I had a memory come up for me about playing hide and seek when I was a kid.  It was a blessing really, because Zara had been playing hide and seek with her friends and I felt really nervous but didn’t really understand it until the memory presented at my session the next day.

In the memory, I was trapped in a big linen chest, and I remember feeling so scared, so trapped, so helpless, and I felt really alone.  It was a fantastic memory to get to, because it was keeping me so small, it kept me looking through the eyes of that young girl who was scared and terrified.  I was finally able to see how I had such trouble letting my daughter play alone with other kids, that I needed her to be within eye sight so I could make sure she was safe.

It was also somewhat devastating to realize the truth of what I was doing.  I thought I was being a “good parent” by watching her.  In my experience though, being a parent and parenting cannot be defined, it’s really about responding to each situation from the heart and getting to the core of any issues and removing those limiting blocks/memories/emotions so you and your child(ren) can be free.

Thanks to those realization and the growing awareness of what I was doing and why, I have come so far in the past week!

  • I gave Zara some space to play with her friends and she was so comfortable, happy and free!  I even heard her say, “Please stop doing that to me, I don’t like it,” or something along those lines!  I checked in with her once and twice and she was totally fine and was having a blast!  Imagine that!! 
  • I planned an activity/outing for each day of the week, and felt fine!  I was tired occasionally, but I was able to see that I was still safe, that I was never alone!  I was able to use the many tools I have learned to renew my energy and to reconnect to myself to feel good, instead of being locked in being tired and scared.

As a result of all of this, I feel like there is more of me here this week, more of me here to share in the joys of life, more of me to share with myself, my husband, my daughter and my friends.  I am giving myself permission to live my life!!

I continue to marvel at how limited I was and how much more free I get with each time that I look within with Jean’s help (the healer/coach/guide our family sees)!  It seems to me that giving myself the go-ahead to have a blast and be free and know that I am always safe is what I came to this planet to play with and explore.  I’m so happy to have such beautiful people around me to share myself with and to share in the joys of life.  May the walls keep crumbling and may my bright shiny soul fly as I continue to see just how big and strong my wings really are.  I think they may even have bright sparkly feathers:)


Let’s eat treats!!

The easier version of sheep cupcakes than the original martha stewart one we copied!

Let us eat treats, I say!!

It was Zara’s 3rd birthday last week and we made sheep cupcakes!  The year before, when Zara turned 2, we were on such a restricted diet (GAPS diet, for those familiar with it and food issues) and I had to make her a cake made with sunflower seeds and honey and eggs.  This year, we went all out since we are free of food issues (please see My Healings, My food healing if you want the details!)!  We followed the recipe in the cupcake cookbook I have from Martha Stewart, but since we don’t have an icing piper thing, we did it our own way, with a tooth pick, tee hee!  Since Loblaws didn’t have white marshmallows, we used the rainbow ones!

All of that aside, it was such a joy for me to say to Zara, “what kind of treat do you want to eat for your birthday?” and I handed her the cupcake book and she could choose whatever she wanted.  It was my pleasure to make it.  And it was our pleasure to eat them, enjoy them, savour them and relish in the fact that we live in a house where food is enjoyed, it is not consumed with guilt, with anger, with shoving down emotions as a purpose, we don’t eat with shame, we eat with love in our hearts.  Was it like that for me a year ago?  No.  Is it now, YESSSSSS!!  I had no idea how much guilt and crap there is in our world about eating desserts and I had no idea how much hate I had in my heart for myself and my body and how it affected my relationship with food.

Now, I say again, let’s eat treats!  Let’s look at how we feel, what we think when we eat desserts.  What comes up?  Is it okay for you to eat lots of cupcakes, or does the guilt creep in? Do you do the math about calories and calculate how much gym time you should spend after eating dessert?  Do you know that your body can take in what it needs and let the rest pass through, really and truly?  Do you really know it, feel it in your bones?  If not, it’s okay, it’s all possible.  I just wrote about that the other day in my blog post about Things I’ve Learned, check it out, there is so much we need to know about our bodies, about it’s innate ability to heal, to take it in, pass through the rest, so much.  I’m only know learning it and it’s such a gift.

So let’s eat the treats, from a clear place, from a place of enjoyment, of celebration, because we can, we can throw away the rules, the societal expectations of guilt and calorie counting, let’s just eat and be merry.  Have your piece of chocolate cake, and then go about your day.  And don’t go hiding the desserts or the chips so you can’t see them because you can’t control yourself.  Who said you can’t listen to your body, who said you are a depraved fiend who can’t stop eating?  Eat the cake, listen to your body, put it back on the shelf or in the fridge when you feel like you’ve had enough.

I’ll leave you with this amazingly hilarious video of a pig who just wants a cookie, but someone put them up on the fridge where he can’t reach them and he tries a zillion ways to get them. Let’s laugh at this and also see it’s truth, the truth of the “I don’t deserve this cookie, it’ll make me fat, etc, etc” that underlies most people’s dessert eating.

Eat treats and be merry.  I know that I finally can and do.

Trusting our kids and ourselves: life lessons since becoming a mama

You become a parent, your life is completely changed forever.  You learn to let go, you learn to trust, you learn to listen to your instincts, you learn to laugh and how to play again.  You learn that your child is completely separate from you, but is attached to you all the same, and that’s okay too.  You learn that your perceptions of a situation are vastly different than your child’s.  You learn that just because you are cold, it doesn’t mean that your child is.  You realize that just because you wouldn’t wear a skirt with a dress, with the dress on backwards, doesn’t mean that your child won’t!  You learn that wearing a tutu with a bathing suit in the middle of the winter is okay because it’s fun and it’s what she wanted to wear today.

You learn that just because you weren’t daring and adventurous as a child, that it doesn’t mean that your child isn’t!  You learn that all the things that you hated while you were growing up don’t apply now and that you don’t need to protect your child from those same things because they aren’t a part of your life anymore.  You learn that healing and letting go of all the pain and sadness inside is the best gift you can give yourself and your child, so you can both be free, so you can be your true selves, live your true lives and not be burdened and boxed in by the old emotions, repressed and unacknowledged.

You learn that Halloween is totally for tricking and treating and for eating all the treats.  You learn that the body can take what it needs and let the rest pass through.  You learn that enjoyment of the food is so much more important than fearing the ingredients in them.  You learn that you have the power, that you always did and that you don’t have to look any further than your own self when you are feeling lost, scattered, scared or overwhelmed.  You learn the same about your body, that it can be trusted, it wants to support you, show you what it can do, that it communicates with you all the time with pain, fatigue and disease as a way to say, hey, this isn’t right.  Let it all go it says, let it all go.  Emotions, fears and limiting beliefs don’t need to run the show any longer.

You learn that making silly faces is awesome and fun.  You learn that your body is beautiful no matter what, it just is, just like you just are.  You aren’t this or that, you just are.  That there isn’t right or wrong, or good or bad, things and you, just are.  You learn to accept things the way they are.  You learn to roll with the punches.  You learn that you are so much more than your feelings.  You learn that you are really great, you are very capable, even brilliant and that all those negative voices in your head aren’t you and that you can find freedom from them.

I’ve healed with Jean Brazeau who does lots of healing stuff like reiki, shamanism, NLP, The Journey, Universalis.  I didn’t know about any of this before and I found Jean because I was desperate.  Now I’m radiant, tee hee, most of the time and those doubting negative voices are leaving and here I am learning all of this with new found freedom and I’m not as hard on myself, I’m not as negative, all of that wasn’t me, it was just repressed emotions and even emotions that my parents felt when I was little, even stuff from past lives.  I’m starting to live my true life and thank goodness.  Thank goodness I am here, I am here for me, I am here to witness my daughter’s beautiful unfolding and I am here, living my life.  Thank goodness.  May the lessons continue and may the trust in myself and my daughter grow.  Peace and goodnight.