The beginning of living free from co-dependency

Co-dependent living is the main way I have lived.  What it means is that I have mostly lived based on other people’s experiences of life.  More specifically, if someone I was with was mad, it was hard for me not to be mad.  If someone was feeling dismal about the state of affairs in their life, it was hard for me not to join them.

I remember one instance more than 10 years ago when our group at work moved offices and one of my colleagues was very grumpy and frustrated about all the things that went wrong.  I hadn’t set out to be grumpy, but I remember somehow watching myself grow grumpier and grumpier and there was this awareness in me that was watching me do that, but I didn’t feel like I could choose my own experience.  In a way, I was co-dependent; I was unable to determine and decide how I wanted to approach the situation, I was caught in her reaction, literally feeling choice-less.

It wasn’t until early last week that I started seeing how I could make a choice about how I experienced each situation, instead of only relying on others to show me how I should respond/react/handle a specific circumstance.  Last week, I was with my daughter and I realised that I was getting panicky and overwhelmed and that was my default way of handling the situation.  From within, I somehow stopped, breathed and decided that I could have my own experience of the situation and that the feelings of overwhelm and panic were trying to guide me, to show me that I was outside of my own experience.  They were like signposts.  None of it had anything to do with my daughter, she was acting perfectly fine, but my response showed me that I was outside of myself and that I could come back to me and make my own choices about how to handle the situation.  It was really like an aha moment, where I could see the reality of what was going on and literally take a step back and reclaim my life from my default way of experiencing it.

Through that small realisation and change in relating to the world, things now seem easier.  I somehow found it easier to talk about my opinions and feelings, without being scared, most likely because my well-being was tied up in how others were going to react to a situation any longer.  It was like I gave myself some space and permission to be more me; to know that it was safe to be me and that I didn’t have to gauge my well-being based on how others are experiencing life all around me, but solely based on how well I could stay with myself and inside of my own experience, instead of abandoning myself for the sake of how other people were reacting.

It is funny, because I feel like life has given me a myriad of unique experiences in the past two weeks, almost as a way to nudge me back to myself, so that I could find the peace that could come from having my own experience of life.  Yesterday and today, I literally felt myself going into someone else’s experience (and because I am quite sensitive to energy and feelings, I also felt them coming into me), and I was able to make the decision to come back to me, and make a choice about what was best for me in my experience.  It was so effortless and instinctive!  I really am grateful for life for guiding me here and to all the beautiful people who are playing various roles in my life, helping me to turn around, breathe and to choose me. Through choosing me, I am learning to deeply love myself, so that more of me can emerge and shine through, which is such a gift that I can then share with others in return.

May we all be blessed with the clarity to choose love for ourselves!  May we all be blessed with the courage to have our own experiences and to love ourselves when that isn’t possible.

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A new beginning

It has been nearly two years since I wrote on this blog.  I was (and still am) undergoing huge changes in my life and I needed a break from putting my thoughts out for others to read.  It was an intensely beautiful time of sharing my thoughts with myself, and starting to feel and know myself from a place of more kindness, instead of always wanting to get to the next healing and next place inside that was broken.

Today is June 24, 2016 and it feels like a remarkable day, like a day for a new beginning, once that has already started, and possibly started way before I was born.  Today, I listened to my heart, that so sweetly and preciously encouraged me to contact my colleagues to see if I could start teaching yoga and breathing and relaxation sessions at work.  I have done similar activities in the past, but this step forward was different.  I felt it rise up from within me, with no regard for judgement from others or fear about what others might think of me.  It was like a deep power rose up from within me, a passionate power that was ready to shine and share its gifts with the world. It was an honour to feel that strength and passion and to fully connect with it and allow it to guide me.  I recently met a part of me that has been shut off from my awareness for what feels like hundreds of years.  It is a part of me that is passionate, vulnerable and willing to be open and fearless.  I wasn’t able to recognize it at all at first, but it spoke to me urgently, asking me to pay attention, to nurture it, to acknowledge it, to welcome it back home into my heart.  I figured that out this past Tuesday and there has been a growing opening within me, where that passion and freedom is taking root and is helping me spread my wings.  It is both awe inspiring and slightly scary, because it has no regard for limitations, fears, or anything that has held me back before.  It is also humbling, because I feel that the timing is so beautiful and that life is holding me so tenderly and preciously so that I can accept the amazing gifts of passion and courage that have been locked away within me, waiting for this very time in my life.

May you know it is safe for you to shine too, just as I am allowing that safety to envelop me during this highly transformational time.  Many blessings of peace, love, courage and faith to you.

Where I Belong!

The Preamble

I know I structure most of my posts in the same way, and this one is no exception…”here is what I used to do, here is what I have come to see about that, and here is how I have shifted.”  That is the model of my life lately and I hope that it continues that way!  I want to keep seeing that which has kept me from being my true self and I keep getting more and more surprised about how much more there is to me, the real me, than I ever imagined or dared to dream!

The Amble:)

For most of my life, okay, for all of my life except for the past 3 days, I always wanted to belong.  I always looked outside of myself for a place to belong, for someone to accept me, even a stranger.  I have some extreme examples of things I have done in my relatively short life to be accepted and I’m sure that most of us have done some similar, possibly more or less extreme, things!

In order to be accepted, belonged or loved, I have:

  • checked all around while driving to see what speed others have put their windshield wipers and put mine at the same (now I happily put them at whatever speed I happen to think would be beneficial, even if it is faster than others!)
  • considered removing the cellulite from the backs of my legs with a knife (that was a dark moment in high school, fortunately after the thought passed through my awareness, I immediately knew it was wrong)
  • covered up parts of my body that others told me were too big
  • tried to be the best at everything, even becoming way too competitive (and even sometimes mean when I was playing basketball later in high school and in college), and losing myself in the world of school and teachers, to be the best, to get noticed, to have a place, to feel like I belonged somewhere.
  • shaved my legs because everyone else did
  • gotten drunk because everyone else did
  • gossiped, judged and criticized others because everyone else did
  • and the list goes on

In the past few days, I had a conversation with a friend and we were talking about our lives and he was telling me he is working on accepting things that have happened in his life.  I smiled and agreed, because it is wonderful, but I told him that I wondered if you could accept things when there was still so much anger and sadness inside.  We chatted for quite a long time and then I came home.  It was only that night that what he said really hit me and I got it: what if I accepted MYSELF truly, fully and completely?

What if I did that?

Would I still need to belong somewhere outside of myself, would I still care about what others think and try to fix/adjust myself for them?

Would I still long for my parents to love me and see me the way I want them to?

It was a moment of huge realization for me.  I was lying in bed and I put my hands on my heart and I said out loud, “I accept myself,” and I got a huge wave of goosebumps, so I said it again, “I accept myself, I belong right here.”  It was so profound, it felt like the most profound and soul penetrating thing I had ever done.  It was like this huge weight lifted off of me and I accepted myself instead of always looking outside of me for a sense of belonging and acceptance.  I was even able to thank my parents from my heart for the gift they gave me in my life, the way they parented me eventually got me to the realization that I didn’t need them to accept me, but if I could accept myself, all would be well!  It was a brilliant, open and loving moment!

I was so pleased, so happy that I finally was able to get to that point.  I had accepted myself and I felt the shifts happening inside me over the next few days as that wonderfully loving message sunk in to every cell in my body.  I won’t have to look outside of me for someone to agree that I belong here or for them to accept me.  I could love myself first and all would come from there!  I wonder if I’ll start dancing in the streets?  Maybe or maybe not, but now I can sing loudly in my car, even at a red light, and I can teach my children’s classes and know that I am perfect just the way I am, and I can parent more from my heart and be more true to myself than ever before.  How about that, eh?  I’ve always heard that, the answer is in you, the power is in you, it is really awesome to have a chance to experience that from within with the self-love and acceptance I found the other night.

Knowing you are supported

I lived my life feeling alone.   Feeling invisible, but also feeling so stand out-ish (I was nearly 6 feet by 12 years old!), ready to be seen and made fun of, picked at, judged and criticized.  It was a tough balance, trying to hide, feeling obvious, feeling invisible, all at once.  Not the best combination I say!  I remember the times where I felt like I was alone, no one loved me, I didn’t love me, I didn’t know who I was, but I knew I was lost and alone.

I know we each have our own journey and I am starting to see how mine was perfectly arranged for me to leave so much of these feelings and emotions behind.  We all have a journey here on this planet.  We all came into this world, fully aware of what we wanted to accomplish, what we knew we needed to work on in this life, and how we chose our parents so that they would provide us with ample opportunities to be challenged and to go beyond what we were comfortable with, to break free, to awaken, to be more conscious, to learn to live in this world, without being a victim to it, or being a part of it and being dragged along with it every day.  If you are interested in a book that outlines this in a very easy to understand way, you can pick up the Celestine Prophecy and the second part of it, called The 10th Insight, Holding the Vision, both by James Redfield. I had been learning these things from the healer/coach/guide our family sees here in Ottawa, but when I read these points in The 10th Insight, it sunk in deeper and really resonated with me as total truth:)

We are all supported, even when we feel like we are falling apart.
Image from (http://www.123rf.com/photo_9327994_red-apple-being-cut-in-half-with-a-sharp-knife-being-held-up-by-one-single-toothpick.html)

I wonder if I needed to feel so alone in this life, only to marvel at all the times that I was held up and supported by forces that I didn’t understand, but that I knew on some level.  I know that many of us feel like things are crazy, like we are alone, like life is just too hard, if only we could know that someone cared, that someone had the time for us, etc., etc..  We are all the same, it’s only our stories that are different.

I’d like to share some stories with you about how I have learned that I was always supported in my life, even when things seemed really hard and super lonely.  I’d like to share some of those stories from my earlier unconscious life (31 and younger!) and from my newer more conscious life (31 to now, nearly 33!).

May these stories encourage you to find a quiet moment, to lie down or sit up, to put your hands on your heart and to ask your heart to show you all the times that you were supported, even when you felt desperately alone.  Take your time.  Once you get some messages, let them soak into your awareness, let them fill you with love, with the knowledge that you are never alone and never have to be again.

If your mind gets in the way, it’s okay, kindly ask it to come up to a higher level of consciousness and ask it to work with you instead of against you.  You know you believe in the possibilities, ask your mind to come along with you as you open yourself up to being more supported, to even believing that it is possible that you can ask for help whenever you need it and that your call with be answered, by the universe, by our creator, by God, by angels, by your guides, call them whatever you want, it matters not, it only matters that you believe, that you trust that you are worth it, that you deserve the support, that they were always with you.  Go ahead, and ask them for help.  If you’re not sure yet, read on.  I still can’t believe what I have been doing in my personal life.  I went from not believing in anything, to feeling the love and peace that can only come from the universe, from source, from angels, from God.  I am so grateful for those feelings, those moments of remembering that no matter what, I am supported.  And now, some stories:

  • I was in university working on my honors Biology final project.  I had been in the computer lab for hours, I was exhausted and wanted to go home, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to complete on online application to work as a summer student for the Canadian federal government, so I stayed and completed it.  After I graduated, I was back at home, feeling depressed that I hadn’t found a job despite my degree.  I remember feeling worthless and useless.  One night, I went out onto my parents’ driveway to get some fresh air and I vividly remember staring at the moon and stars and saying out loud, “I leave it up to you, I’m not sure what to do, can you take over,” or something to that effect.  A few days later, I got a call from Health Canada (the Canadian FDA) and they wanted me to move to Ottawa for a job.  Ha!!  I didn’t know it then, but I was so being taken care of.  Something/someone guided me to complete the application when it was the last thing I wanted to do and for some reason, I “let go” on that driveway and turned it over to the universe and it showed me what was possible because I let go of needing to make my life happen!
  • I started working full time at Health Canada at the Special Access Programme, which helps patients with life threatening conditions to get access to unapproved medications when all marketed treatments have been tried and failed.  It was an incredible job that taught me a lot and gave me a huge appreciation for my own physical health (I didn’t know then that there was more than just medicine and that my health could markedly improve with energy work, kind of ironic, eh?).  I remember working on some of the applications and I would hear a voice inside, guiding me, “you’d better call that doctor and ask him for more information.”  I remember thinking, “oh okay, I’d better do that,” and thinking that I had a strong conscience or something.  I think you can call it whatever you want, but what it comes down to is that I was being supported and guided to do the things that would serve those patients in their best interests.
  • When I was really sick and not doing well (please see the About page), our family’s naturopath told me to read the book The Journey by Brandon Bays, which is about going into the body, to the source of illness and finding out what memories and emotions are stored in the cells that could be causing the illness.  I knew it was for me and I was just going to try the process out with a friend, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to look on The Journey website to see if there were any local practitioners.  I checked it out one night and the list was really long but it seemed like there was only one name on it, like the others were blurred and the one name was really big.  I remember thinking, “hmm, that’s really weird,” so I clicked on the profile and the person seemed really great, but I wasn’t ready so I closed it.  The next night, the same thing happened, I had this strong feeling to look again and there was her name in big letters, even though they were the same size as the others.  I made an appointment and here I am a year and a half later, so much more my true self, so much more free and open and happy and I go to see her regularly!   If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ll see how much I’ve changed even in the past few months.
  • This summer, I was awoken in the middle of the night to some loud yelling and fighting.  I literally felt paralyzed and terrified lying in bed.  I was so unsure of what to do and all I could do was to call out for help in my mind and within moments, there was this tremendous peace and love that filled my body.  I remember lying there, so pleased, so overwhelmingly overjoyed and then before I knew it, I was asleep.  It was like a dream, but it was beyond real. I woke up the night morning, super excited at what had happened and so ready to be able to deal with what I had heard during the night, instead of being terrified!  I wasn’t alone!  All I did was ask for help and it came!
  • I had a big learning experience in one of the classes I teach and my mind was in overdrive, it was telling me what a bad job I had done, etc. etc. and I had enough.  I was lying in bed with my daughter to help her get to sleep, but I was so restless and anxious, I may as well not have been there.  I called out for help again because it had worked so well in the summer and within moments, my mind was quiet and I was at a peace.  I remember lying there, relieved and somewhat in disbelief and then Zara was asleep, just like that. I had been assisted and she felt the shift and she could go to sleep.

Those are the key ones that I wanted to share for now. If you have any stories you’d like to share, please do so.  We are all supported, even in our most unconscious or our most desperate moments.  Believe in yourself, believe in what is possible, even if you don’t understand it yet, it’s there for you, loving you, holding you up, ready to give you the gift of love and company.  Give it a try, you are worth it.

Sweet dreams,

Bradlee

Awakening and mindfulness

I started on a journey of awakening, well, I guess I’ve always been on this journey, in this whole life time and many other past life times.  That is our ultimate goal as humans, to wake up past the unconsciousness and to remember the truths that we all still have in our hearts, deeper down or closer to the surface, depending on where you are in your personal journey.

I feel like I’ve always had this inner awareness, this inner voice/presence that would  guide me, that would sometimes look at the world in shock, and that sometimes propelled me beyond what I thought was possible.  I’ve also though, been super weighed down by the collective unconsciousness, by the ego that has many of us in its grip.  My true journey of realizing that I was that inner presence, that inner voice, and not the ego, started last April 2011, when I had my first healing session with Jean Brazeau here in Ottawa, Ontario.  I was lead to Jean, whom I found because she is listed on The Journey website as a practitioner, when our family naturopath was trying to help me on the path to health, and she told me I had to clear out some emotional blocks to truly heal and that the Journey process would help me.  I have continued this deep work with Jean (which is more than the just the Journey I have come to learn!) of looking within, finding what is there that is preventing me from living my true life, and I have been constantly astonished at what I have found.  Many of my past blog posts have been about what I have found on my deep inner explorations.  This post will be about how I see the world now as I awaken, with mindfulness, with presence and with a new awareness that is awesome and sometimes shocking because of what I am finally able to see and sense.   Here are a few of my latest observations:

We have gone so far beyond what any of us ever wanted for ourselves on this beautiful planet.  How did we get to the place where sod farms, flower farms, tree farms and pumpkin farms were ever okay?  I had never ever questioned where sod comes from, and then one day I saw this huge truck driving by and it said sod farm right across it.  The realization hit me so hard!  We have chopped down trees just to grow green grass that we need to cut every week when it’s hot and that we spray chemicals on to keep it uniform and free from weeds.  Whoever decided what a weed was?  Is this really how we want the world to look or are we needing to keep what we can see around us perfect because of the fear of how imperfect and how unloveable we are inside that is driving us?

A sod farm in Texas. From http://www.king-ranch.com/sod_texas.html

Why are we using precious land just to grow pumpkins that will be carved and thrown out?  The same for tree farms for Christmas trees?  I love traditions!!  I super do, but at some point, we all have to breathe in together, one big collective breath and let it out and say, “okay, we are so many on this planet, maybe Christmas trees and carving pumpkins are a bit wasteful, maybe we can create more planet friendly traditions?”

When are tons of flowers at funerals and weddings going to cease being important and necessary?  Where are they growing all those flowers that are in every single grocery store in Canada?  Can we not just keep them in florist shops, to keep the numbers lower, to keep the quality high?  Yes, they may still be grown in the same way, but not in the same immeasurable quantity.  When did we decide that planting a seed and watching flowers grow in our garden was too slow, that we need to be able to go to a garden centre and to buy flowers that are already in bloom.  I know that Canadian winters are very long but there is the option of planting bulbs in the fall and getting to watch them poking out of the soil in the early spring, I really enjoy that!

An artist’s painting of a flower farm in California. From: http://celioarts.blogspot.ca/2009/12/flower-farm-in-gilroy.html

I’m not necessarily saying any of these things are inherently good or bad, but it’s more that they are observations from an awakened, aware and more mindful perspective than I ever had before.  I’m wondering if what is being offered to us and what we are buying, is what we truly want?  I’m starting to feel the force and the pull behind advertisements too and I’m having to be mindful in stores and even just when I’m checking my email to ensure that I am not being led by the advertisements instead of by what I actually need.  Are we just so used to buying and buying and buying (and being influenced by ads to buy more too) and having more and more, or are more and more of us ready and willing to look inside to find the source of that need, so we can slowly stop our unconscious habits?

When did Halloween and Christmas and Valentines Day get so commercial, so overloaded and so overdone?  I went to the party store today to buy balloons and I was so overwhelmed by the size of the store and the vast amounts of “party” merchandise they offered.  There was this huge blow up monster with blood marks on it’s blow up teeth at the front of the store and I was beyond shocked.  When did we all get so senseless (I mean when did we all get to a place where that isn’t horrible and scary) that we think that our kids need that for Halloween?  They even sell “severed” hands that you can put in your trunk so that the hand hangs out the back of the trunk.  Again, that just seems so senseless to me.  I pray that my 3 year old daughter doesn’t see one of those.  I know that I can explain it to her, but should I have to?

How can we explain these to kids and are they really necessary for Halloween fun? I’m not sure I want to know anything about a grim reaper….From http://www.explore-harford.com

We have taken the need to be the best, to have the best, to shock and awe, to impress so far that we now have to have a party store the size of Costco for our parties.  I just wanted balloons! There were aisles of goody bag things, some even pre-packaged, like we are so mindless that we can’t be creative and find some little things that would delight children to have, instead of tons of stuff that costs 35 cents so we can buy a lot?  When did a “Happy Thanksgiving” banner become important?  Wow.

In an age when we in Canada (I can really only write about what I see in my own city, but I feel comfortable generalizing it to my own country, but no further really:)) are starting to see the importance of composting, recycling, buying local, eating organic, meeting a farmer, using public transportation, why are the big businesses not catching on?  Why is every new store being build three times the size that it really needs to be?  I would imagine at some point that we all will shop at the smaller stores because we like customer service, we like knowing the name of the owner, like how it used to be.  I remember being a kid and going to my baseball coach’s party store to get balloons.  That was always very special for me.  I sound like I’m 75, but I’m only 32 and things have changed so much in my short life time.

I know more and more of us are wanting that connection and closeness with others wherever we go.  Our world needs more connection with actual people, instead of just through texting and facebook and twitter.  Again, it’s not that any of these things are bad, it’s more the way we are using them, the reasons we are so dependent on them.

We are all beautiful beings of light who are so connected to each other, to the divine, to the source and the more we teach that, the more of it is available through the internet, through groups, through workshops, the more of us will awaken to the beauty within and the world will change.  We’ll go back to helping our neighbors, to having more time as we pull out of the so called “rat race”, we’ll have more time for our children, family members and friends, and competition won’t be driving us any more.  I look forward to the upcoming new world age, as we step into it and awaken, open up more, and move towards love and peace and we leave the unconsciousness, the fear and the violence behind.

Peace to all.

Bradlee

Energy and Harry Potter

Since I’ve started learning more about energy and actually understanding it, it seems as though there were always so many references to energy in my daily life that I completely missed.  I remember reading the Celestine Prophecy about 7 years ago and I was mesmerized by it, but I wasn’t yet at a point where I could live it and understand it.  I’m grateful to be at a point where energy makes sense to me now!  I will share some more below.

I’ve written in this blog about how the movie The Matrix has many parallels to my life and how the energy work I’ve been doing makes me feel like Neo from the movie!  I’ve always felt like a victim to all the circumstances in my life, I would see the hurt coming at me and I would take it all in and I would suffer.  I am laughing while writing this, it seems so dramatic, but it’s honestly true.  I now see those some bullets and hurts coming towards me, and it really is like The Matrix where Neo dodges the bullets, I see it coming, I bat it out of the way or I shift my body and it goes right past. I’ve cleared out so many emotions, memories and stuck energy that those “bullets” coming at me don’t seem to have the same magnetic charge.

I also sometimes feel like I was given the choice a year and a half ago to take a red or blue pill like in the movie The Matrix.  It was like life said to me, “you are suffering, you are unwell, your health and your life are at their lowest points (I was at the bottom of the pit so to speak), and you have a choice. You can continue in unconsciousness and take the red pill, or you can choose to awaken, you can choose a conscious life, and you can take the blue pill and learn the truth of all that is.”  I chose that blue pill and I haven’t looked back since.  I’ve been learning more about consciousness (awareness), about energy, about God, about life, about my heart, about love and it’s been super eye opening, beautiful and wonderful and challenging.  I’ll never go back to the way I was, I simply am no longer that person, I will never be that way again, I am opening my heart, I am letting the love in and I am letting it shine out and I will continue to learn the truth of all that is until I am fully living from as the light and am having an eternal blast!

So now to a little energy lesson.  We are all made up of energy, we all feel energy, whether we know it or not.  We’ve all felt heavy after interacting with someone who complains or who dumps all their life’s garbage on us.  We’ve all adopted other people’s mannerisms and just laughed it off (myself included).  We’ve all lived in a movie or in the book we’re reading and we’ve gotten a little off track in our own lives because we’re partially still in the movie or book.  I have cried reading Winnie the Pooh to our daughter because Christopher Robbin has grown up and he knows he won’t come back as often to his beloved toys.  I jumped right into that story and lived as Christopher Robin and I felt the remorse and the confusion that the author put into that story from his own life, likely from watching his son growing up.  It was intense. I ended up thinking it was my own story I was mourning, about how I grew up and watched everyone becoming more distant with each other, becoming more mean, more competitive, but really I was living as Christopher Robin, no doubt to me.

Here is another example.  I was recently talking on the phone with someone who was going through a hard time.  Within minutes of hanging up, I was lost, confused, anxious.  I didn’t quite realize what was going on, I was rude to my husband, I felt like running away, hiding and throwing things all at once.  I felt like I was off balance and wrong, but it didn’t quite clue into me what had happened.  I excused myself and went and breathed and connected to myself more deeply and I felt better, but it only lasted for a few minutes.  I was overtaken with desperate thoughts like, “leave me alone, I can’t do this any more, I’m so responsible for you, I can’t take it, I want to crawl into a hole and hide.”  I had just had an energy healing session and had released some similar emotions, so I thought it was just more releasing, so I breathed and tried to let it release.  The short version of this is that I struggled for about an hour, wanting to hide from my family, wanting to run away, before I lay down again and said to myself, “what is this, can someone help me out please?”  I got a picture in my mind of the person with whom I had chatted and I laughed.  “Ohhhhhh” I said to myself!  I commanded their energy to leave my body and I broke energy with them.

We are kind of like magnets with our energy, we attract what we carry in our own bodies, so because it was releasing from me (and there is likely more deeper down), I grabbed onto the other person’s energy (or it grabbed me) and it held fast.  I broke the connection between the magnets, that strong pull and I relaxed and felt like me again.  I learned all of this from the coach our family sees and the tools she has taught us are invaluable and amazing.  I was hijacked, gone, lost, and taken over by this energy and then, when I got the clarity about what had happened, I was able to break free and be me again.  We’ve all felt hijacked, and the truth is, it happens to us all the time, and then we get headaches, leaky noses, or we vomit or have diarrhea as our bodies try to clear it out.  That is what happens when our bodies are left to clear it out, but if we can be conscious of what is going on and assist the body to clear it out by breaking energy, drinking lots of water and being aware of how we are feeling inside, it helps!!

Breaking energy is described in William Linville’s (www.williamlinville.com) book, “Living in a body on a planet,” on page 25,

“Begin by sliding your hands across each other in front of your heart, then pushing your right hand out while bringing your left palm to rest against your heart level.  Focus on your heart chakra. You are breaking energy with the whole world as you’ve known it….This is bringing your consciousness right back through your body…Now bring your attention to a part of your body.  Whether your attention is on a hand, on the neck, even on a toe, it matters not.  Bringing attention to that body part allows you to feel your own presence and welcome it to come forward again.”

From: http://www.cornellenergyclub.com/

I am so happy to have breaking energy as a tool.  It has helped me so much!  It helped me come back to me today when I was completely gone, hijacked and taken prisoner (it felt like that, it seems extreme, but it was such a relief to be back to me!).  I thought of Harry Potter after I recovered and felt like myself again.  For those of you familiar with Harry Potter, I felt like Harry does when he is in front of the Dementors and they start trying to suck his soul out of his body.  He has to try to conjure up a Patronus to ward off the evil, but he’s being sucked away, bit by bit and it takes every bit of his strength and awareness to break free.  Once he is free, he is left tired and feeling drained, which is how I felt today.  I laughed to myself this afternoon after I had had a healthy helping of chocolate, because chocolate is the exact remedy from Harry Potter after he has fought off a Dementor attack. In the third book, Harry gets to/has to eat a lot of chocolate to get his strength back as he learns to ward off Dementors.   I have no idea if I ate a good amount of chocolate because innately I felt like my body needed it, or if the memory of that part of the book was hiding somewhere inside and was telling me to eat chocolate. Either way, I ate the chocolate, I felt better, I went outside and went to the park and felt the wind, I hugged a tree and just got my roots back into the ground.

That’s my story!  I hope you find it interesting!  I wonder if you’ll consider the new tool as a way to feel more comfortable in your body, because really that is what it is meant to do. I wonder if chocolate really is a delectable treat that does more for us than we’ll ever know, maybe J.K. Rowling knew as much!

With love,

Bradlee

A choice

I felt choice-less for so long.  It feels really long, even though it was about 31 years, well no, closer to 32, which is how old I am now.  It’s taken me a year and a half of work with an amazingly loving and beautiful and intuitive energy healer to get to the realization that I have a choice.  Every day, every minute, every second.  I can choose how I want my life to be.  I can choose.  Wow.  I had no idea.  I was living in such a helpless and choice-less place.  In fact, I think it’s pretty awesome that I’m starting to see that I have a choice, that I have a voice I can use, that I have legs that can move my body if I’m not pleased with where I am, and that I have a light inside that I can amplify so that I can bask in my light, in my love and always know that I am safe and loved and cared for.  Even if it had taken me my whole life, it would have been a worthy lesson, a lesson that would have been a huge accomplishment to have learned in one life time.  And now, here I am, every day, remembering that I can choose.

During my last healing session, which I kind of thinking of as a “cutting the cord” healing and a “finding my voice” healing, I remember saying to Jean, “you know, I look forward to the day when I don’t feel guilty or bad about things.”  Tee hee.  Jean looked at me, so intensely, so seriously and she said,” well you know Bradlee, you can wait for that day, or you can choose it now, you really don’t have to wait.”  Hahaha, I think you could have heard the light bulb turning on or the proverbial click, “aha, she got it!!”  It settled into every cell in my body, which was super exciting!  I have a choice!  Wohoo!!

So, a week or so later, I asked my daughter who is 3 if she could feel that I had been worrying about her when we were out at a friend’s house.  She said she could feel it.  I started to feel bad and then I said, “you know Zara, one of these days, I won’t worry about you any more, because you are so capable and so perfect in every way,” and then, I heard it again, the click, this realization, the choice that I had at that exact moment.  WOW!!  I said, “oh my goodness Zara, I have a choice!!  I don’t have to worry about you any more, right now, I can do this!  I don’t have to choose to do this any more!!”  I got really excited and I bolted right up.  I don’t remember if I sang, or danced, or if that was only an internal thing, but it was like a huge weight off of me and off of her.  I felt the difference, I was able to feel the weight of that worry, and I knew it was gone, that I had made a conscious decision to let her be herself, to trust her, to trust her inner knowing, which is so strong, so wise, so powerful.  As I’m healing, I’m learning to trust myself, to stop worrying about myself, so as I am letting go of the need to protect myself, it’s extending to Zara because I was so over-protective of her.  Now I see that I can also choose to let her go, let her be herself and to learn more to trust herself and to learn how capable she is without her mother always there, hovering.  My mom did the same for me, she was always there, protecting me one way or another because that inner need to protect your child is so strong, especially since it stems from all of your own past hurts.  For many reasons I’m now starting to understand (from this life and many past lives), I always felt so unloved, so unsafe, so scared.   If I can free myself and let myself be free, and let myself be me, then Zara will be herself, instead of a shadow of herself, like I always felt like I was.  I was barely there, that’s what it felt like.  May this letting go, may this choice, allow my daughter and I greater freedom, greater independence, greater trust and great love!!

When I was at Jean’s house for that last healing, Jean had turned off the soft music because she had felt like it was distracting me.  We went into this huge boil I had on my inner thigh to find out what was in there and it was my mom’s voice, yelling at me to leave her alone because she was busy and didn’t have time for me then.  I remember being little and even older and kind of hanging around her, looking for love, for play times, for connecting and she would ask me if I needed her to entertain me and she asked me to go do something else.  Whenever she said that, I felt awful inside, it always seemed so cruel, so hurtful, so loud, so scary, I didn’t want to be alone, I was so terrified of being alone, even if it was just by myself to play.  I think we all have that place inside, where we want to scream out, “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”, especially as a mother of young children, who is trying to do everything perfectly, be responsible, to love her kids, to give her kids what she didn’t have, but not having enough time for herself.  I think all moms can relate to that, I have certainly felt it, as well as it’s opposite, “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.”  It can be quite a confusing dynamic to life out in daily life, and as I’m seeing it, how I was stuck in that, I can now appreciate all the confusion I felt!!

During the healing, I had to go inside and find that 3 year old me who had learned that it was better not to speak, better to be seen rather than heard, she who came to think she wasn’t good enough, wasn’t love-able and who was worthless.  I cried alot and then I sent her to the light with her true family.  She didn’t want to leave at first, she was too scared, so Jean helped me to love her and to coach her that she was okay, that she had done her job, that she could go home to the light.  I always love that part, I remember feeling all those little selves my whole life, controlling me, trying to protect me, trying to keep me safe, when really the circumstances had changed and yet, they were limiting me, creating my reality.  So, to find them inside, to hear their messages, to allow myself to feel the pain I was never allowed to feel, to express the emotions that were shoved down (again, we all do these things), and then to send them to the love and light, wow, it is truly transformational and pure and beautiful.    There was another little me in there too, a 6 month old me who was alone in her crib, crying out, feeling unsafe and unloved and wanting protection while my parents were in the hallway fighting.  It’s amazing, I never remember my parents fighting, they were so not the fighting kind (if they had disagreements it was usually non-verbal, but I remember feeling it nonetheless), but there must have been that time very early in my life.  I had absorbed the anger and fear from their argument, the leave me alone, and the please don’t leave me that were cycling back and forth during that argument.  It’s what happens to all children and really to all of us, if we aren’t aware, if we aren’t grounded in our bodies, the energy of the argument comes right in and stays there, even if it isn’t our argument, and then an hour later we have a headache and we don’t know why.  I can think of all those times I felt heavy after being around certain situations and that heaviness now makes sense!!

After experiencing the feelings I had as a 6 month old, we released her to the light too.  Then Jean had me envision a cord between my mom and I, and then she had me cut it.  I saw a picture of us falling apart, and then she quickly said, “okay, now seal it with your love.”  I LOVED that part!  It was so loving, so beautiful, so true, so in respect of the relationship with my mom, it was almost like a way of saying, ‘all that happened, it’s okay, we’re going to live side by side in the love,  not in a crazy mother daughter knot any more, it’s okay, we’re good, I love you mom, thank you for all that you have done for me and thanks for your support as I grow and become my true self.” I really felt nice.  Then I did it with my daughter and I, a shorter version because Jean hadn’t suggested it, but it felt right, to allow for her and I have to that same love, that same space, that same side by side dancing, instead of knotted tangled attempts at life.  Then, the music turned on, just like that and much louder than before when Jean had turned it off.  We both looked at each other, the stereo was on the other side of the room, and we were both silent.  She looked at the clock and it was 12:12pm and she kind of gasped, and she said, “Bradlee, it’s 12:12pm, it’s a number of a huge opening for you (she explained that any double numbers are representatives of openings in a life).”  Then she paused and she said, “Archangel Michael is here, wow, let’s just sit here with our eyes closed and take all of this in.”  I felt radiant and beautiful and then I cried a bit because I felt worthy, I felt loved and protected.  I had experienced this huge opening for my mom, myself and my daughter, a beautiful loving opening and Archangel Michael came to support me and to give me his love and he turned the music on.  I basked in it and felt the possibilities.  I remember crying on and off and I know we talked a bit more afterwards.  Jean had told me, “Bradlee if you don’t believe that you are supported and being cared for after this…” and then I knew, without a doubt, that I was loved, that God was with me, that angels are with me, and that they truly are with all of us, because if they are with me, they are with all of us. I had given up on God, Jesus and angels and all of it, and they keep coming to me to show me they’ve always been there, that I can call on them if I need them and that they are here for me to support and love me.

An aside: Please check out this link if you are interested in a story about how my daughter and I called on Green Tara (a Buddha) and she came to help us!  We are truly supported: https://livingmytruelife.com/2012/06/25/a-visit-from-green-tara/

Wow.  Is there any other word I can write than wow?  Maybe thank you.  Maybe there are no words, but rather I can live my true life, and be grateful that I am here, that I am questioning the old, letting go of the old, and welcoming in my truth and living really and truly from that place.

Before I finish this post, I’d like to add that I’ve always been scared that I have a bad singing voice. It’s always seemed so weak and scared to me. I can think of many times when I have been told that I am not a good singer, or felt like I was no good at singing, etc., so it never really surprised me.  Now that I’m teaching family and kids yoga and singing a lot, I was thinking I would get some voice lessons, to be able to project my voice and find it’s power.  I came home after this healing last Monday and I sang a song for my daughter and there was so much power and volume in my voice, I didn’t recognize it.  I tried it again, there it was, my voice, loud and powerful!!  And it sounded nice!!! By releasing those energies that day, it freed up my voice to the next level, so I could speak up for myself, so that I could find the power within and sing it out.  What a true blessing and gift.  I’m honored, thrilled and very excited to see how I continue to shift and evolve and open as I commit to myself, totally and completely.

With love and much peace,

Bradlee