Observations about consciousness

The other day I looked out the window and I saw a group of birds all flying together.  They were graceful, they were beautiful and they were free!   They were silent, they weren’t bumping into each other and they flew together seemingly without any effort.  I remember reading quite a few years ago that scientists have been trying to understand how fish swim in schools and how there are swarms of insects that swirl and dance together.  They were hoping to learn about how they do that so that humans could benefit.  I remember thinking that it would be cool to understand that.

from tangledinkudzu.com
from tangledinkudzu.com

As I looked out of my window the other day, I finally understood it.  I understood how they fly together, how they swim together, and how they dance and move together with grace and ease without talking.  I am sure there are others who already have this figured out, but it was an exciting moment for me!  What I realized and deeply understood is that we are all the same, we are all one, we are all consciousness (awareness), even rocks, trees, insects, birds, reptiles and other mammals.  We are all the same.  I’ve read it before from Eckhart Tolle in the Power of Now and from his Weekly Present Moment Reminders, such as this one:

“When you are present you can sense the spirit, the one consciousness in every creature and love it as yourself.”

The healer/teacher that I see regularly has also been teaching me that we are all particles of consciousness and that our particles dance all around us and through and with other people, because we truly are one. It seemed absurd at first, but as I continue to grow and my level of consciousness increases, more and more about consciousness and spirituality makes sense, and I’m sure I will continue to understand it at an even deeper level.  I was provided with a few opportunities lately to understand how consciousness works, which is what lead me to finally get it when I saw the birds flying.

Here are some examples:

  • I was in the shower and I suddenly thought, “Oh, I never did order that Arbonne product from my friend Dionne, maybe I should do that.  Hmm, maybe I should host an Arbonne party, ya, maybe I’ll contact her.”  The next day, I get a call from Dionne asking me if I could host an Arbonne party.  
  • I was also in the shower and I thought to myself, “Hmmm, maybe I should buy some Fly Like A Butterfly books from Shakta (who is the founder of Radiant Child Yoga, where I did the first part of my training).  Hmm, I wonder if that would be worth it for me?”  And then I left it at that.  A day later, I got an email from Radiant Child Yoga and they were offering wholesale discounts on their yoga materials to support yoga teachers.
  • I was walking in the woods with my daughter on a chilly day in February.  At one point along our walk, I got apprehensive and I had this huge feeling that we should turn around.  I stopped, asked my daughter if she needed to go home and she didn’t, so I breathed a bit, looked around and felt like I wanted to continue walking. I kept feeling like my husband’s grandmother was worried about us.  I finally decided to go back since we were close to the end of the nature trail and I told my daughter that I was feeling like grandma was worrying about us, and I think I broke energy with grandma.  I can’t quite remember the details.  We got back to grandma’s house and I asked my husband if grandma had been worried and he said that they were chatting about how they had seen coyotes in the woods a few days earlier and our grandparents were very worried about us being out.  I didn’t even have to be in the house or close by to feel those fears instantly!

These recent experiences combined to help me to see just how linked we are as people, just as the birds and fish are!  It gave me hope that humanity will eventually learn to use that connectedness so that we can dance together like the birds in the sky, instead of grinding up against each other spreading fear and negativity.

from Soaring Spirit Dance Studio
from Soaring Spirit Dance Studio

The traps of parenthood

I’m a relatively new mom all things considered.  My daughter is about to turn 4, but I feel like I’ve learned a life’s worth of lessons with her so far.  Her presence has shown me so many limiting ways of being that I was operating from.  Now that I’ve plunged myself into this journey of self-awareness and awakening to the truth of who I am, I’m seeing more and more how many of those limiting behaviors I still have and I’m seeing more how others are similarly trapped (or more or less so, depending on where they are).

Early on, when Zara was less than 1, I often found myself complaining about her lack of sleep, her lack of doing what I wanted, when I wanted.  It was all around me too, all of us young mothers, complaining to one another, and there were many books out there to support the complaints, such as “how to get your baby to sleep,” “how to whisper to your baby the way this person does,” and the list is endless.  I could have stood at the parenting section for hours and not really known where to start.  It kind of felt like I was being given a chance to start over.  Instead of carrying my life forward from my old ways of being and my old job, where we would work and then complain, work and then complain, I was given the most precious gift of all, a beautiful baby girl with a wise soul, deep eyes and an open heart, who showed me with her presence and her reactions to my behavior and my unconscious energetic rebukes, what I was really doing.  She was giving me a chance to try again, to see if there really was another way to operate, instead of from defense, blame, victimhood and what about me-hood, she was showing me what my actions were doing to her and she was looking at me with those wise eyes, almost as if to say, “I know you can do this, really I do.”

I’ve since come a long way.  In fact, sometimes I’m not even sure I’m the same person who was angry at our little precious one (9 months old is one time I remember) for not going to sleep, and then deciding that if she wasn’t going to go to sleep, then I would turn on the TV and just watch it.  I’ve been learning how to forgive myself lately and whenever those memories of my unconscious behaviors come up and I start to blame myself and feel guilty, I’m learning to be kind to myself and stop, close my eyes and put my hands on my heart and say, “I forgive myself,” out loud.  It feels really good.  I really didn’t know any better, I really was doing the best I could have, and sometimes when I forgive myself audibly like that, I get goose bumps and I know that it’s true, that I’ve really forgiven myself and I’ve chosen self-love over self-beating-up like I used to.

I'm so grateful for Zara and all I've learned from her and the opportunities I've had to go within since she joined us.
I’m so grateful for Zara and all I’ve learned from her and the opportunities I’ve had to go within since she joined us.

I offer some suggestions to those who are/were like me, who are/were trapped in unconscious patterns of relating to the world and to their children, so that they may see that there are options and alternatives instead of just following along.  I offer them from my heart, from my experience, because I think we all want to do the best for our children and we often hate it when we hear those harsh words come out of our mouths or feel ourselves pulling away from our beauties, or even exploding at them.  We’ve all done it and I feel like we can all unite together in this, instead of hiding in shame and learn from one another and most importantly, learn from our children.  We all remember being the child who was yelled at, who was shamed, who was hit or threatened with abuse, we all remember those feelings, let’s assist one another in stopping the unconscious patterns and let’s start honoring ourselves and our children.

Some things that have helped me:

  • Notice how you talk to yourself when you are around your children.  Is there a constant stream of “you little brat, I’m going to make you do this, how could you do this to me, we only have 5 minutes left, what do you mean you have to pee, you just threw your food on the floor, are you (insert swear word here) kidding me?”  From my experience and from reading Eckhart Tolle’s books, all we have to do is notice it to pull out of it.  Sometimes I’ve noticed it so strongly and I have to completely stop what I am doing and lie down and breathe, or I may do something absolutely silly (which was not like me early on) and run around the house 3 times (I learned that from the book “Adventures in Gentle Discipline”) or sing a song.  I do my best not to give up my power to the thoughts in my head, which are not me in the first place.
  • Notice yourself criticizing your children, either directly or behind their backs (especially when they are in hearing range, actually, it’s best to avoid it completely, they’ll sense it anyway).  Children hear and notice everything.  If you are supportive in front of them and then turn around and roll your eyes or slump over in exhaustion so your friends can see (I’ve seen this), they will feel it and notice it.  We are not masters of deception as parents, children are masters of detection, I especially remember this from my childhood.  Ask yourself why you feel like you need to complain about your child, what purpose does it serve?  Does it help people to like you, does it help you to feel like you fit in that way?  I wonder if all parents like to hear others complain about their children and what would happen if one of us parents started saying, “actually it really bothers me to hear you criticize your child, please don’t share those negative comments with me.  I will always support you in finding constructive ways to deal with your situation, but no criticism please.”  I think I may give it a try.  Actually, I’ve already done it and it’s worked!
  • Think about the things you were told as a child: you are fat, you are so useless, you are so stupid, you can’t do anything, you’ve dropped that again, what’s wrong with you, I hate it when you do that to me, etc.  It won’t take long to think about them, because they are stored inside us, in our subconscious minds, like a little program we learned as children, waiting to play over and over again.  Consider what program you want running in your child and speak from there.  For more information about children and their subconscious minds and the beliefs about the self that get stored there, you can check out Bruce Lipton’s, “the Biology of Belief.”  That book was such an intense wake up call for me.  Children even have different types of brain waves until they are 6, and that is so they can soak up as much about the world as possible, including beliefs about the self, and they get those mainly from their parents.  Consider what types of things you say to your child!
  • If your child is always resisting what you are saying, consider why.  From an early age (6 weeks) we followed “diaper free baby”, so that meant we would assist our daughter to pee in a potty, toilet or sink, instead of in her diapers.  It meant that we were in tune with her, noticing her body movements as signals for when she had to go, etc.  It was a really cool process and I’m glad we did it, we didn’t have to wash as many diapers and it meant we didn’t really have to potty train our daughter because she understood what her body needed to do and into where, from a very early age.  I remember putting her on the potty at certain points, maybe when she was 8 months and she would stand up and look at herself in the mirror (I had my hands under her arm pits and the potty was on the counter, so you can picture it!) and she would sing and bounce and marvel at herself.  I felt myself getting so frustrated that she wouldn’t do what I wanted.  I had such strong memories of my father being frustrated at me like that and I could feel the frustration in my entire body.  I tried to “get” her to go, but of course it didn’t work.  None of us like to be forced!!  I read “Everyday Blessings: The Inner Work of Mindful Parenting” and my life and parenting turned right around.  I was mindful and aware of when I was forcing and I was able to pull back and centre myself and sure enough, there was less force, less control and less battles because I had adjusted how I was approaching my parenting.
  • Instead of blame and anger, consider stopping, breathing, getting some fresh air and realizing and knowing that your child is not out to get you, but is there to highlight that which you haven’t wanted to see for a long time:)  Consider thanking your child and moving on from a fresh place.  I’ve had a lot of help in my “moving on” and “letting go” because in my experience of life, it has never been as easy as just saying it and it being done.  I’ve learned about mindful parenting, I’ve learned about gentle discipline, unconditional parenting, making time for myself (still working on that one), allowing myself to say no and meaning it and it being okay, and I’ve also learned about healing and letting go with an energy coach/healer/guide that I see quite regularly, and through techniques my husband has learned on his own path of reclaiming his life (reconnective healing and heartmath, http://www.healandevolve.ca).  I’ve also learned that yoga, nature walks with my family and friends and dancing are very therapeutic and enjoyable for me.

I think there are traps in parenthood and I think they are there for a wonderful reason, just as our children chose us for a wonderful reason, to help us see the truth of who we are and so that we may honor and love them and allow them to flourish and shine the way they intended when they came to this beautiful planet.

These are pictures of me that Zara took.  I was doing "I Am Happy, I Am Good" (please see www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com for info, it's a Radiant Child Yoga song), and she was cracking me up because she was coaching me along to do it with more emphasis and feeling.  It was a riot.  I've come a long, long way.  I'm really proud of me.
These are pictures of me that Zara took. I was doing “I Am Happy, I Am Good” (please see http://www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com for info, it’s a Radiant Child Yoga song), and she was cracking me up because she was coaching me along to do it with more emphasis and feeling. It was a riot. I’ve come a long, long way. I’m really proud of me.



You know, I used to have to drink in nightclubs to dance, to really dance, to let my body move to the music, to feel good moving the way I wanted, to not feel shy.  This morning, however, I am in my house, cleaning, dancing all over, singing loudly and it feels really good.  I am soooo pleased that I am here, that I have done work on my inner me, to let go of the stuff that wasn’t me, so that I could be free, to dance, to know that I am not dirty, I am not a “sl^t”, that I am in this body to enjoy it, to move it, to see what it can do, for me to express myself through this body.  It feels good!  Do you know that place?  Do you feel comfortable moving your body in new ways?  Do you feel comfortable shaking your hips, your chest, your bum, every part and to really enjoy yourself!  If you do, then congratulations, I am sooo happy to join you!  If you don’t, it’s alright, it’s all in there.  I wonder if that’s why pole dancing has become popular, because people need others to give themselves permission to dance the way they really want?  It’s awesome that pole dancing exists, I have never tried it, but maybe I will now.  Maybe I will give myself permission to dance wildly with a pole!  Why not!  Really, that’s the question?  Why not?  So to all the dancers out there, it is all of you (even if you don’t know it yet!!), I say, play your favorite songs and take a moment or two today to DANCE!  With your kids if you have them, or with your family, or by yourself, it doesn’t matter!  Look at yourself in the mirror, see what a marvel you are, see how your eyes shine when you are free and having a blast!  This is to all of us, let’s have an awesome time and dance!!

This is me quite a few years ago at my beautiful friend Steph’s wedding! I needed to drink then and I honor that I needed that then and that I can now dance freely, even outside at concerts and at Groove Method (www.thegroovemethod.com) dance/exercise classes. It is so much more free!!

A morning with the Dalai Lama confirms my life purpose

The Dalai Lama addresses a packed crowd at the Civic Centre on Saturday morning.

From: http://www.cbc.ca/news/canada/ottawa/story/2012/04/28/ottawa-dalai-lama-civic-centre-speech.html

The Dalai Lama was in Ottawa today, April 28th!  I was fortunate enough to go with a friend who had won tickets to the talk today.  I hadn’t planned on going since I had seen him a few years ago when he last came to Ottawa,  so it was an unexpected gift to go!

His Holiness the Dalai Lama walked onto the stage today and the energy in the room, even before he came out from behind the curtain, was huge.  It shifted from anticipation to elation super quickly.  When he appeared on stage, it was so powerful, it was this wave of love that just swept through the Civic Centre, where 7000 people had gathered to hear his insights and messages.  I had tears in my ears and so much admiration in my heart for him.  It’s interesting, because I only know a little bit about him, but I do know that he is the truth, he lives his life from his heart and he speaks the truth.  There isn’t any bull from him, he just speaks the truth and lives that way.  I think we all felt it today, the truth and the love that emanates from him, he is truly what we are all seeking and he represents what we can all do, regardless of who we were in a past life and who we are right now.  He is hope, truth and love, and because of this, he can see the world changing.

Today, he said that the 20th century was a century of violence, and that we were living in such a state of fear, fear of death, fear of the world being blown up.  Then he gave many examples of how the world is starting to shift, like how we are starting to care about our planet more, and he said that with these examples, we all have the power, humanity as a whole, to make this the century of peace.  It is truly what we all dream of, a world beyond power and control, a world of love and peace and camaraderie where we support one another instead of suspect one another of being out to get us.  He mentioned that to have a true friendship, there needs to be trust and respect.  He said we can’t have that relationship without trust.  He said the opposite is to not trust your friends, which then leads to being suspicious of everyone, and if you live from that place, it gets quite lonely, because you have to keep a distance to be safe.  He was coaching us all to try it, to try to trust, to shift our perspective of anger and irritation towards others, to try to look at that enemy differently, to take a second and not be taken over by the emotion, but to feel the anger taking over and then breathe and see if you can look at that person differently.  It was awesome to hear!!

I super appreciated his words today, he confirmed quite a few things for me today about the work I am doing for myself:

  • learning that we are not our emotions and that we have a choice, let them be who we are, or not give up our power to our emotions and try to see beyond them
  • I used to be too scared to trust anyone, I was always hiding from others, and I was so lonely.  I’ve been shifting away from how I used to view the world and have been letting people in, learning the world is safe, that I am safe no matter where I go and that there is so much more beauty in the world when we can be open and trusting, that life is so beautiful when we can love others and let them love us
  • compassion is the key, even towards people we wouldn’t normally be compassionate to.  opening up your heart and seeing that person and their situation instead of seeing them through our veils of emotions and baggage.  I kind of see the compassion that he talks about as a lack of judgement, we all live from such a judgemental place (myself included and I will keep working on it until I can live from a place of freedom!!), and to move beyond the judgement and when we do, there is only love, acceptance and compassion for our fellow human beings with whom we share the planet
  • motherly love is super important, lots of affection for the children and training and coaching as they age about mindfulness, ethics and compassion
  • our school systems are not adequate, they need to focus on the heart and the mind and all the emotions and thoughts and how they can take over, but that we can focus on mindfulness, compassion and living from the heart instead.  He said there is focus on the physical body in school but no focus on learning about the mind and the heart and how to use them as tools instead of the ego/mind working against us.

I felt like the Dalai Lama was talking to me when he shared his thoughts about the school system being inappropriate for our current times, especially as we have just committed to homeschooling our 3 year old daughter, and I have been teaching those same principles to a group of children through yoga, dance and singing!

As I have been doing this healing work, I have been more and more led to work with children, to teach them about how to be in this world without getting taken over by it, without losing themselves (like I did).  I’ve been creating these classes to teach this to kids and I have been loving it. I’m calling the classes Playing From The Heart: Kids Connect and it is so amazing for me to teach the kids about how they can come back to their hearts no matter what is going on in the world.  For example, yesterday in our class, one of the kids was upset and it was slightly distracting so I said to the kids, “okay, so let’s do our eensy weensy spider meditation and let’s just sit quietly, breathe into your heart and feel your body.  Let’s see if we can change the energy in here and bring in some quiet.”  So we did that.  We sat for about 30 seconds and I was just gently coaching them and sure enough, the peace and quiet in that room was almost as powerful as when the Dalai Lama walked in.  I told the kids, “look what you all just did, look how powerful this is, you all just did this, I didn’t do it, I just told you you could and you all made it happen.”  I could see it sinking into the kids, that no matter what, they could always come back to this place of love and security, right inside them. I told them they could do that at the grocery store if there is a crazy panic in there or at home or wherever and I’m thinking they’ll actually start to do it.  To me, that’s what we all need to learn how to do, this is what needs to be taught in school, how to connect to you, so you know yourself, so you can come back home when you are lost, home in your heart.  We need to teach this to kids, their parents and every one, so we can all stop reaching for material things, or for others to help us, when we have so much within that is unacknowledged, and it’s only unacknowledged because we haven’t been taught about it.  I was so excited to hear the Dalai Lama saying just what I know is true, let us teach the children, let us guide them and teach them about their hearts, about living in this world, about mindfulness, and let’s let them play and have a blast all while doing it.  Nice.  Nice confirmation that I am on the right path for me, for our children, for our planet, that I am learning all of this through the healing work I’m doing, to share it with our children and their parents, so that the century of peace may actually be possible.  It needs to start within, if we can all learn about how to cultivate mindfulness, compassion and inner peace, the world will change on its own, and we will live in our glory, like we all can together.

Namaste Your Holiness.  Namaste to the children, namaste to our future of light and peace and love and compassion. Namaste to my heart, that which has been beating quite loudly lately and has been guiding me towards this work with kids that the world needs.



Leaping out of the box

Well!!  Here I am!  I am opening, I am expanding and I am realizing that I am SOOOOOOOOOOO much more than I ever thought possible, than I ever gave myself credit for, than I ever could have dreamed possible.  You know, when you stop to think about it, we’ve all been limited in so many ways, by what our parents thought/believed was or wasn’t possible, by what our teachers thought/believed was possible, our grandparents, our babysitter, our friends, by everyone.

It’s a shame, but that’s really how my life has been until the last couple of years, when my eyes were opened by the possibilities, instead of only ever seeing the negative and keeping my eyes closed from fear.  My first real boss, Ian MacKay, taught me to think outside the box.  Think outside the box, I remember saying to myself?  I can do this?  I was in a box before?  I was limited, and now I can go beyond?  Really?  Thank goodness for Ian.  He showed me and taught me so much, so did all of my colleagues at my first real job!  And so did all of my friends too, and my parents too, but I was just living from such a scared, traumatized place of shock about the world, that I couldn’t see it.  And when I first met my husband, wow, I was like, you can live like this, really and truly, with this apparent freedom from the box that so many of us live in?  Mine was teeny tiny.  Now, I’m not even sure where the walls are of that box.  Did I break it down? Did it dissolve?  Was it never really there in the first place?  Was it something my mind created to keep me small and safe?  Probably.  Now that I’m healing and opening and discovering the truth and beauty of me, I’m starting to learn that there aren’t really any boxes, and there aren’t really any walls, if there are any, they are an illusion, a diversion from the truth.  Once we can see that, we can be more free, to be ourselves, our glorious selves.

In the past few weeks, I have done so many things I never would have thought possible.  As the walls of the box have disappeared, here is what I have done:

  • I created a dance/yoga/movement/singing class for kids called Kids Connect.  I am sharing it with the parenting group that I am a part of and I am having an absolute blast.  I had the idea a few months ago and thanks to the healing work I’ve done with Jean Brazeau (jeanbrazeau@sympatico.ca) and my husband Robbin Zrudlo (www.healandevolve.ca), it’s almost like this path has opened up for me as a huge purpose/part of my life.  With Jean’s help, I discovered that I was a dancer in two past lives, as well as a teacher.  She also guided me to become a Groove Method dance facilitator (www.thegroovemethod.com) and she has helped me reclaim the truth of who I am, to my core!  After I did a Personal Reconnection with Robbin, I woke up two mornings in a row only to be inundated with remarkably cool ideas for classes for kids.  I am excited to see where this takes me!!
  • I have done things that previously would have super intimidated me, like fixing the base of our lamp because it broke off.  I decided to use two planks of wood and some bungey cords and it now stands up again!  It doesn’t look pretty, but I did it and I would never have attempted it before!  I was so proud of myself!  I also climbed up a tall ladder to the attic space above our garage to get Zara’s tricycle out.  I always thought I was scared of heights, but I did it and got the tricycle down and then went up for the bike!
  • I looked at the stack of old cloth diapers we have from when our daughter Zara needed them and I said, man what am I going to do with those…Now I’ve started making pads for me for when I get my period.  They’re brilliant, comfortable, easy to wash and super recycled.  And, Robbin helped me to design them and Zara (who is 3), pushed the pedal on the sewing machine for two whole pads worth!  I was so pleased with the project!  I thought of it, made it happen, accepted help, and finished it!  Yes, I’m still going to make more pads, but for now, I’m just over the moon with the success!
  • I’ve learned that I can just be.  I don’t have to do, I don’t have to force, I can just be and that I am great and that it is enough.  I was such a worrier before, always trying to make things happen, make sure everyone is okay and I’m leaving that old role and those old behaviors behind. I’m learning that I can breathe and be me and amplify the love I have in my heart so everyone feels it, including me, and that that is the best thing I can possibly do.
  • I had told my neighbor that I can pick up her daughter from the bus if she’s ever not home in time!  I’ve always wanted to be involved with the neighbors, to have a good relationship with them, especially since we didn’t as I was growing up.  It just makes sense to me that we should all do this!!  So my neighbor called me today and asked if I could pick up her daughter and look after her for an hour until she gets home.  I heard and felt the old panic rise up in me, like I can’t do this, I don’t really know her daughter, but then I was like, “hold on!!  I can teach a dance class with kids I don’t know, I just made some pads, this is exactly what I want, this panic doesn’t apply.  AND, my neighbor actually called me to ask me if I could help, which is awesome!  She trusts me and it is honestly my pleasure,” and then I was cool with it and excited.

I CAN DO IT!!  I CAN DO IT ALL!!  WE ALL CAN!!  Let’s leap out of the box, let’s say screw it all and live free, let’s give new things a try, let’s embrace our true selves and go for it.  Now that you’re grown, did you ever stop to think who is the one who is limiting you?  Is it possible that it’s you?  You don’t live with your parents any more, it’s your life, you get to make your own decisions.  You are responsible for you.  What do you really like?  What does your heart yearn to do?  You can listen to your heart and try new things, push yourself a little, know that you are safe and loved, it’s okay.  Be the love that you are.  I’m going for it and I’ll tell you it feels awesome compared to not knowing that I even had a heart, now I can feel it beating in my chest, urging me on.  And the walls of the box are gone and I’m really starting to know, deep within me, that it was never really there to begin with.



Getting in touch with my soul through dancing!!

What a weekend!!

Well!  If you had asked me if I was going to:

  •  spontaneously go to a Groove Method (www.thegroovemethod.com) dance class Friday night,
  •  have the time of my life,
  •  move my body in the first real exercise I’ve done since before I was pregnant,
  •  feel like I was connecting with my true self through dance and,
  •  then very firmly decide to register for the Groove Method facilitator course that was taking place the next two days,

I would have said you were crazy!

Here are some reasons why I would have said you were crazy:

  • I have only left my daughter to be put to sleep by people other than me once (I have had some deeeeeeep abandonment fears to work through, soon enough I will get them posted in the My Healings section of my blog to give context to where I am now and how much I have let go of.  There is one there now, but many more to come!)
  • I have never left my daughter for more than 3 hours in a day and I was going to be gone from 8:30-5:30pm both days!
  • I am not a fitness instructor (but I’ve always loved to dance)
  • I hadn’t yet given my self permission, or even realized that I hadn’t, to be anything other than a mom to a young child or a wife.

So there you go.  Because of the last healing I had a week and a half ago (it’s currently the only one in the My Healings section of this blog!), I was able to see how little control I’ve always felt like I had over my life.  It’s been such a long time coming that lesson, holy moly!  If you had only ever known me, you might have said, wow, here is this girl who is happy, who seems like she’s got it made, but inside, I’ve always felt stuck, sad and alone.  Crazy, it just never really matched up, I kind of felt like a walking dichotomy, but since I’ve been doing this healing work, I’ve let go of emotions and welcomed in more of my true self, the happy person I truly am (we are all this happy inside, this magnificent inside, it can seem to hard to belief, trust me I know this, but it’s true).

All that being said, after this last healing, I kept seeing how I had sooo limited myself at home, how stuck I was making myself, even though I was the one unconsciously doing it, my daughter certainly never said, “mommy, you can’t have any activities or any thing outside of the home,” and neither did my awesome husband, but I had put that on myself and it was really starting to limit me.  It was creating an internal confusion, as well as a building resentment I really didn’t want to feel towards my family.  That healing helped me to see that I could give myself permission to make my own choices, that I had control, that I could take back my power from my earlier life experiences where I surrendered to the masses, to what was expected of me instead of what I wanted.  And now, I’m seeing how freeing that can be for me and in turn, for my family.  So I went for it.  I signed up for the class!  YES!!!!!  Thank goodness.  And because I had done the healing, I was able to leave for the evening on Friday and all of Saturday and Sunday without feeling the guilt and fears that Zara would feel abandoned (and of course she was more than fine!).  Had I not done the healing, I would have gone (possibly) but I would likely have been plagued by all the doubts, guilt and fears.  Not this weekend!  And it was a blast!  I have to share about this dancing!!

My dancing soul this weekend! I wish this was a picture of me! Tee hee, it's not, but it's sure a representation of how I felt this weekend. It's a photo from imagekind.com

The Groove Method!!  Wow!  It’s a type of dance where the instructor guides the participants through different songs and they coach a few moves per song, and then they coach the participants to dance the move their own way. So everyone in the class is united in the movement, but everyone is making the same movement unique by expressing themselves through the movements. In essence, it allows the participants to get in touch with their true selves and to express that through their dancing.  It couldn’t be more applicable to my current work in this healing and expressing myself!  I was soooo grateful for this opportunity, to dance, to socialize, to be among other women, to share some stories, hear some stories, share laughs, giggles, fears and tears.  It was so wonderful.  It was the first thing I’ve had just for me and I loved it.  It was a chance for me to be out and to learn something for me, to test myself out in the world as my true self, as Bradlee, instead of as Bradlee with her family out and about, or Bradlee out with Zara, and as Bradlee, without as many fears and limiting beliefs, etc.

I would say that one of the most beautiful gifts that has come out of all of this healing work for me is my new found ability to accept and love others and to see their true selves.  I always had this judgmental commentary running in the background but it has now gone and good riddance.  Now, I can meet new people, look them in the eyes, bring out the best of them by being my true self, and I accept them and love them and I can see who they really are beyond whatever it is that is making them feel stuck.  I saw some incredible beauty, resilience, strength, love and joy in the eyes of the other women who took the course and the instructors too.  I felt so privileged to be in that room, to get the chance to see them, to be me, to dance and to breathe and to keep myself grounded and not get caught up in everyone else’s lives like I used to.  I got stuck a few times, but I managed to get grounded (by touching my fingertips together and holding it until I felt tingling… that helps ground you in your body, Jean taught us that), and to move on.  I tried amplifying my light too (I’ll write about that in another post!) and it instantly made me feel calmer too.

I shared some of my observations (about who they really are and how I saw them) with the two amazingly open and beautiful souls who taught the course and with some of the participants, and it was interesting, because some of them were like, “oh really, you could see that, in me?”  So I figure that maybe as one heals, one can see more, intuit more, feel more….and I’m grateful for it.  If I can see people’s true selves (like Jean has always seen me and coached me (Jean is our family’s healer/coach/guide)) and now I can share it with people I meet, maybe that will help them along a bit.  I’d totally like to guide people to reclaim their true selves, to let go of emotions, so maybe this is part of my journey to get there, to be able to see them, to be able to share it with them, to see what it is that may be holding them back. Maybe I’ve had to let go of so much sadness, fear and control stuff, so I could see it in others and help them get rid of it.  Who knows.  I just know that I learned how to Groove dance and I loved it to my core, and I am going to develop some classes, practice the moves, then have people come over to my basement for Groove dancing sessions for my practicum and then find a place to offer my classes in Ottawa and help people connect with their souls through dance.

Thank you Melanie Guertin, the creator Groove Method!  She is so open, so beautiful, so full of light.  No wonder this dance method is taking the world by storm and opening people up to their magnificence!  And as always, thank you to Jean for telling me about Groove dancing.  During my first session with her, she helped me connect with more of me, and she helped me to see that I was a dancer in two past lives and that those two dancers were always with me, guiding me and supporting me.  She was like, do the Groove class, connect with the dancer in you.  Thank goodness I did.  Thank you to the women in the class.  You are all beautiful.  It was a pleasure dancing with you and getting to know you, thank you for sharing yourselves and your stories with me.  And of course, thank you to all of my girlfriends who taught me how to dance, or rather, who gave me permission to express myself to the music, which is exactly what Melanie is doing all around the world, giving people permission to feel the music, to be themselves, to connect with themselves.  Thank you.  And thank you to my soul today.  I was aching all over physically until I realized that I needed to connect with my body and see why that was happening.  It turned out I was scared of being a Groove facilitator, and once I connected with that, I realized that I needed to give myself permission to do it, just like Melanie had been teaching us the whole weekend.  Before I can teach people to give themselves permission to be their true selves, I had to do it for myself.  I cried and cried, let go of the lack of control I felt, affirmed that I would be okay, that my family will be okay if I make choices for me, and then I had less physical pain.  Fascinating, fascinating indeed.

If you’re in Ottawa and you’re reading this, let me know if you want to come over for some Groove dancing!