My breasts have been mourning

Last week, I noticed that my breasts were swollen, painful and lumpy.  It was quite unusual for them to be like that, so I paid attention.  I did my best to relax and breathe deeply and send my inner attention (consciousness/awareness) to release any blockages within them.  It worked temporarily, but there they were, in that unusual state, sore and uncomfortable.

A few days later, I realized that my breasts were mourning.  My breasts, and likely the breasts of many women in the world, were mourning what is happening to other breasts in the world.  I am not familiar with breast cancer statistics, yet I do know that many women are faced with challenging decisions about their breasts and cancer.  I feel like my breasts are tuned in to the fear that is around the planet at this time as more women are determining whether they have the breast cancer gene, especially as more information is widely available about it and more people (including Angelina Jolie) are sharing their stories of choosing to have mastectomies to eliminate any possibility of cancer.  I feel like my breasts were uniting with women everywhere, tuning in to women, letting women know that we are all together, that we can unite instead of fight, that our breasts are a part of our bodies, a representation of what makes us female in these bodies and that it is like a mourning to have to remove them because of cancer.  We all feel that sadness together.

I feel like our breasts, as women everywhere, are trying to tell us something with the high incidence of breast cancer.  Are there parts of our female nature that we are having to deny?  Are there parts of our female nature that have been lost?  What are the reasons, beyond medical ones, that men and women are having to remove parts of their bodies that identify their bodies as male or female?

As time goes on, I trust that these answers will come forward, as we open to new possibilities for our health, for our bodies, for our breasts and for our well being.  I trust that women will start to understand just how united we are and that the answers are likely within us, waiting to be revealed.   The book Biology of Belief by Dr. Bruce Lipton is a beautiful place to start to understand a whole other side of genetics, called epigenetics, which discusses the factors within us, including the environment within our bodies and what creates the environment, that determine if a gene will be expressed (whether the code in the gene will be utilized by the body).

For now, my love is with the women of the world who are facing very challenging circumstances and who may feel choiceless about their health.  May women unite in love and in power and may we soon learn a deeper truth of what is really going on with our breasts.

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Energy and Harry Potter

Since I’ve started learning more about energy and actually understanding it, it seems as though there were always so many references to energy in my daily life that I completely missed.  I remember reading the Celestine Prophecy about 7 years ago and I was mesmerized by it, but I wasn’t yet at a point where I could live it and understand it.  I’m grateful to be at a point where energy makes sense to me now!  I will share some more below.

I’ve written in this blog about how the movie The Matrix has many parallels to my life and how the energy work I’ve been doing makes me feel like Neo from the movie!  I’ve always felt like a victim to all the circumstances in my life, I would see the hurt coming at me and I would take it all in and I would suffer.  I am laughing while writing this, it seems so dramatic, but it’s honestly true.  I now see those some bullets and hurts coming towards me, and it really is like The Matrix where Neo dodges the bullets, I see it coming, I bat it out of the way or I shift my body and it goes right past. I’ve cleared out so many emotions, memories and stuck energy that those “bullets” coming at me don’t seem to have the same magnetic charge.

I also sometimes feel like I was given the choice a year and a half ago to take a red or blue pill like in the movie The Matrix.  It was like life said to me, “you are suffering, you are unwell, your health and your life are at their lowest points (I was at the bottom of the pit so to speak), and you have a choice. You can continue in unconsciousness and take the red pill, or you can choose to awaken, you can choose a conscious life, and you can take the blue pill and learn the truth of all that is.”  I chose that blue pill and I haven’t looked back since.  I’ve been learning more about consciousness (awareness), about energy, about God, about life, about my heart, about love and it’s been super eye opening, beautiful and wonderful and challenging.  I’ll never go back to the way I was, I simply am no longer that person, I will never be that way again, I am opening my heart, I am letting the love in and I am letting it shine out and I will continue to learn the truth of all that is until I am fully living from as the light and am having an eternal blast!

So now to a little energy lesson.  We are all made up of energy, we all feel energy, whether we know it or not.  We’ve all felt heavy after interacting with someone who complains or who dumps all their life’s garbage on us.  We’ve all adopted other people’s mannerisms and just laughed it off (myself included).  We’ve all lived in a movie or in the book we’re reading and we’ve gotten a little off track in our own lives because we’re partially still in the movie or book.  I have cried reading Winnie the Pooh to our daughter because Christopher Robbin has grown up and he knows he won’t come back as often to his beloved toys.  I jumped right into that story and lived as Christopher Robin and I felt the remorse and the confusion that the author put into that story from his own life, likely from watching his son growing up.  It was intense. I ended up thinking it was my own story I was mourning, about how I grew up and watched everyone becoming more distant with each other, becoming more mean, more competitive, but really I was living as Christopher Robin, no doubt to me.

Here is another example.  I was recently talking on the phone with someone who was going through a hard time.  Within minutes of hanging up, I was lost, confused, anxious.  I didn’t quite realize what was going on, I was rude to my husband, I felt like running away, hiding and throwing things all at once.  I felt like I was off balance and wrong, but it didn’t quite clue into me what had happened.  I excused myself and went and breathed and connected to myself more deeply and I felt better, but it only lasted for a few minutes.  I was overtaken with desperate thoughts like, “leave me alone, I can’t do this any more, I’m so responsible for you, I can’t take it, I want to crawl into a hole and hide.”  I had just had an energy healing session and had released some similar emotions, so I thought it was just more releasing, so I breathed and tried to let it release.  The short version of this is that I struggled for about an hour, wanting to hide from my family, wanting to run away, before I lay down again and said to myself, “what is this, can someone help me out please?”  I got a picture in my mind of the person with whom I had chatted and I laughed.  “Ohhhhhh” I said to myself!  I commanded their energy to leave my body and I broke energy with them.

We are kind of like magnets with our energy, we attract what we carry in our own bodies, so because it was releasing from me (and there is likely more deeper down), I grabbed onto the other person’s energy (or it grabbed me) and it held fast.  I broke the connection between the magnets, that strong pull and I relaxed and felt like me again.  I learned all of this from the coach our family sees and the tools she has taught us are invaluable and amazing.  I was hijacked, gone, lost, and taken over by this energy and then, when I got the clarity about what had happened, I was able to break free and be me again.  We’ve all felt hijacked, and the truth is, it happens to us all the time, and then we get headaches, leaky noses, or we vomit or have diarrhea as our bodies try to clear it out.  That is what happens when our bodies are left to clear it out, but if we can be conscious of what is going on and assist the body to clear it out by breaking energy, drinking lots of water and being aware of how we are feeling inside, it helps!!

Breaking energy is described in William Linville’s (www.williamlinville.com) book, “Living in a body on a planet,” on page 25,

“Begin by sliding your hands across each other in front of your heart, then pushing your right hand out while bringing your left palm to rest against your heart level.  Focus on your heart chakra. You are breaking energy with the whole world as you’ve known it….This is bringing your consciousness right back through your body…Now bring your attention to a part of your body.  Whether your attention is on a hand, on the neck, even on a toe, it matters not.  Bringing attention to that body part allows you to feel your own presence and welcome it to come forward again.”

From: http://www.cornellenergyclub.com/

I am so happy to have breaking energy as a tool.  It has helped me so much!  It helped me come back to me today when I was completely gone, hijacked and taken prisoner (it felt like that, it seems extreme, but it was such a relief to be back to me!).  I thought of Harry Potter after I recovered and felt like myself again.  For those of you familiar with Harry Potter, I felt like Harry does when he is in front of the Dementors and they start trying to suck his soul out of his body.  He has to try to conjure up a Patronus to ward off the evil, but he’s being sucked away, bit by bit and it takes every bit of his strength and awareness to break free.  Once he is free, he is left tired and feeling drained, which is how I felt today.  I laughed to myself this afternoon after I had had a healthy helping of chocolate, because chocolate is the exact remedy from Harry Potter after he has fought off a Dementor attack. In the third book, Harry gets to/has to eat a lot of chocolate to get his strength back as he learns to ward off Dementors.   I have no idea if I ate a good amount of chocolate because innately I felt like my body needed it, or if the memory of that part of the book was hiding somewhere inside and was telling me to eat chocolate. Either way, I ate the chocolate, I felt better, I went outside and went to the park and felt the wind, I hugged a tree and just got my roots back into the ground.

That’s my story!  I hope you find it interesting!  I wonder if you’ll consider the new tool as a way to feel more comfortable in your body, because really that is what it is meant to do. I wonder if chocolate really is a delectable treat that does more for us than we’ll ever know, maybe J.K. Rowling knew as much!

With love,

Bradlee

DANCE!!

You know, I used to have to drink in nightclubs to dance, to really dance, to let my body move to the music, to feel good moving the way I wanted, to not feel shy.  This morning, however, I am in my house, cleaning, dancing all over, singing loudly and it feels really good.  I am soooo pleased that I am here, that I have done work on my inner me, to let go of the stuff that wasn’t me, so that I could be free, to dance, to know that I am not dirty, I am not a “sl^t”, that I am in this body to enjoy it, to move it, to see what it can do, for me to express myself through this body.  It feels good!  Do you know that place?  Do you feel comfortable moving your body in new ways?  Do you feel comfortable shaking your hips, your chest, your bum, every part and to really enjoy yourself!  If you do, then congratulations, I am sooo happy to join you!  If you don’t, it’s alright, it’s all in there.  I wonder if that’s why pole dancing has become popular, because people need others to give themselves permission to dance the way they really want?  It’s awesome that pole dancing exists, I have never tried it, but maybe I will now.  Maybe I will give myself permission to dance wildly with a pole!  Why not!  Really, that’s the question?  Why not?  So to all the dancers out there, it is all of you (even if you don’t know it yet!!), I say, play your favorite songs and take a moment or two today to DANCE!  With your kids if you have them, or with your family, or by yourself, it doesn’t matter!  Look at yourself in the mirror, see what a marvel you are, see how your eyes shine when you are free and having a blast!  This is to all of us, let’s have an awesome time and dance!!

This is me quite a few years ago at my beautiful friend Steph’s wedding! I needed to drink then and I honor that I needed that then and that I can now dance freely, even outside at concerts and at Groove Method (www.thegroovemethod.com) dance/exercise classes. It is so much more free!!

Ear piercing with a three year old

Our daughter Zara first told me she wanted her ears pierced the week before she turned 3.  I wanted to oblige, but part of me was worrying that it would hurt, that she would tug on them, be uncomfortable, or be super upset.  I remember when she asked me this past February and all of that flashed through my mind, and then I said that there wasn’t much time to get it done before her birthday in a few days.  I see now that I don’t think I was ready!!  Tee hee!   I am so grateful that I’m really starting to see when I put all of my life experiences on Zara, when they really don’t apply at all.

A few weeks ago, she said, “I want to get my ears pierced.”  I had somewhat forgotten about it and I said, “okay, do you want to go today?” and she jumped off the couch and was ready to go.  I had stopped in at the mall a few weeks before and had talked to them about the process, so I explained it to her, I said, “they’ll put a device next to your ears, you will hear a loud clicking sound next to your ears, and you might feel some pain, and then you’ll have earrings.”  I asked her if she would be okay with that and she said she was ready to go.  So I suggested that she tell her body that she wanted earrings and that it was going to be okay and that it might hurt but that it could just heal quickly. I figured that if she communicated her intent to her body, it might not be as much of a shock to the body.  So out loud she said, “okay body, I want earrings, so I’m going to get them, it might hurt but you can just heal.”  My heart was really happy, I was thinking that was really going to help…I remember my terror even at 15 or 16 at getting my ears pierced, I remember how it hurt for days, but then I didn’t know that I could work with my body, I didn’t realize that the terror I was feeling would prevent my body from doing what it sooo knows how to do, regenerate and heal.

So back to Zara’s story. I explained that there were two stores at the mall and that she could choose. I told her the names and she chose one based on the name.  I told her we could see both stores when we got to the mall so she could get a sense of the energy of the stores first since she feels energy so much.  She still chose Ardene so we went in.  The music was blaring and to me it felt kind of frenetic in there. I saw her get caught in it, just like I did, so I told her to take her power back from the store and know that this is where she wants to be.  I saw her adjust a bit and settle in.  I learned that trick from Jean Brazeau, our family’s healer/coach guide.  It worked like a charm.  I made sure we found out the person’s name who was going to be piercing Zara’s ears and we talked with her a bit to get more comfortable. She was awesome, she was explaining everything to Zara, and Zara got a chance to pick the earrings she wanted.  She was getting ready to do it when one of her colleagues came over so they could both do it at the same time so that Zara didn’t have to have one ear done and then the other.  The second girl seemed really nervous and pent up, so I tried to send love her way to help her settle so she wouldn’t necessarily send any of that energy over Zara’s way.  They got ready and they went for it.  I could see the look of shock come over Zara’s face, there really isn’t any way to prepare for that I don’t think!  She seemed okay with it, but one of the backs of the earrings didn’t go on properly and the girl was panicking about it.  I looked at Zara and I said, “it hurts, eh?” and she nodded, and I told her it was okay, her body was going to heal and that if she wanted to cry she could.  She didn’t quite yet, because the girl was still fumbling a bit to get the back of the earring on.  I reassured her and we looked at it together and it was on, but not a ton and I told her it was just fine that it would hold and that she could relax, it was okay!  It was funny, she seemed more upset than Zara, she was just trying to make it a good experience for her, it was really sweet.  So then Zara’s eyes filled up with tears, so I scooped her up and I said, “it’s okay, cry if you want, does it hurt more than you expected?” and she nodded and cried.  Everyone in the store was looking so I told her, “see, they all know what it feels like, they remember the shock and they’re sending you some love,” and I think it helped.  So we went out of the store while her dad Robbin paid and I congratulated her because she had done it, she made a decision and she went for it.  She calmed down some and then asked me to put her down and we ran to find a mirror so she could peek.  Once she saw them, she was totally fine, she was running around the mall screaming with delight about her new earrings.  I saw there and then that preparation is helpful and so is the attitude towards the body and it’s abilities.  Zara never once complained about her ears, we never put any alcohol on them and they’ve been fine ever since.  And she’s seemingly much more empowered about her ability to handle painful situations and recover from them, that it’s okay to cry and then move on.  She doesn’t play the victim role like I did when I was little (and did up to a year or so ago!!), so she didn’t need to really experience the pain to get attention or anything.  It’s brilliant, she’s brilliant.  She shows me what’s possible every day!

So I say, let’s empower our kids, let’s explain things to them, let’s give them some options, let’s teach them, let’s guide them and let’s let them flourish and grow and discover their power as they grow and go out in the world.

before ear piercing!
After ear piercing! And she is wearing my new bathing suit top, which was almost as exciting as the ear piercing!

I’ve come a long way with my body

I have come a long way with my body.

I used to hate my body.  I used to think it was horrible, smelly, hairy, ugly and fat and wrinkly and useless.  Those are a lot of horrible adjectives!  I used to hide my body, be shy about it, think it was something to be hidden and something that I didn’t deserve or want.  I remember being 16 and thinking that I could cut off the backs of my legs so the cellulite wouldn’t be there, and part of me knew that was really wrong, so thank goodness.  I am so thankful that I always retained some aspect of love in my heart, some aspect of my true divine nature, that always came right when I needed it, to hold me up and to support me, to show me how far I had stepped away from my true self, from my heart, from the beauty that I am, that we truly all are.

Now that I am on this healing and evolving and opening journey, I see my body totally differently.  In fact, the change started before that.  When I first met my husband Robbin, I immediately noticed how comfortable he was with his body.  Why does he have this I asked myself?  What is this?  How could he actually brush his teeth naked?  I wanted to try that!  I have vivid memories of my Dad screaming when I opened the bathroom door while he was in there.  It was then that I realized that maybe I could have many different models for life, for viewing my body, for taking care of a home, for living and actually feeling responsible for my life, instead of feeling helpless (that wasn’t mean to imply my parents taught me to be helpless!  It’s just that as I went out into the world, I found from watching others, from other ways of doing things, that I could reclaim the power I had so readily given up in my life and live my true life!).  So I slowly started to come out of my body view, that exceptionally narrow view of my body.

I remember after my food healing (please see the My Healing sections if you’re interested!), that I walked away with such a different feeling of the body, that it could take in what it needs and let the rest pass through.  Really!  I remember thinking that to myself. I don’t need to worry about what I eat, I don’t need to think I’m going to be fat or worry about what to eat, etc, etc, that I could get into a place in my heart that remembered that the body has it’s own wisdom, that I don’t need to do anything, just nourish it and it will take care of the rest.

I remember when my daughter Zara wanted to be tickled naked.  She loved the feeling on her body, on her skin.  She was not quite 2 and a half and she asked me if she could tickle me while I was naked too.  I decided to challenge my beliefs that my body was gross, so I went for it and I got naked.  I laughed, like those deep belly laughs because I was doing it, and I was enjoying it.

That of course led to some brilliant teaching opportunities about the body.  She was looking at my vulva (I didn’t realize that was what the whole region was actually called, until I met Robbin, thank you dear Robbin!!), and so I said, “mine has hair on it, yours will too when you get older, and you’ll get boobies when you’re older too.”  That led to a discussion about periods, breast-feeding and of course, to the parts of the vulva, all while naked!!  I leaned forward and showed her all the parts of her vulva, the labia, the clitoris, the urethra, the clitoral hood, the vagina.  She was repeating them and pointing to them.  I was so pleased, so proud!  Here I was, teaching my daughter about her body, the body that I thought was ugly and no good, when it truly is a miracle to be enjoyed and marvelled at!  Then she looked at me and asked me to teach her about my “vulva parts.”  I couldn’t believe it, but I went for it.  I showed her the deal.  Then I realized that there was this undercurrent of grossed out within me while I was teaching her.  So then I stopped, I said, “Zara I used to think my body was ugly and that the vulva was not a very nice part of it, but I don’t believe that any more. My body is beautiful and so is everyone’s, we all have the same parts, they just look different.  I’m going to explain my parts again, while connecting to the love I have for my body,” and then I did and I felt like I was glowing inside.

What’s up now fears about the body!!  Haha!  Conquered!  In your face!  They were fears that weren’t really mine in the first place…I remember being 13 and my track and field coach had to get up off a bleacher to get something and we were encouraging her (I can’t remember why).  And she said, “Oh well, I’m wearing shorts and there’s all this cellulite on my legs, I can’t go and get it, people will see it.”  Boom. Imprinted into my mind.  Cellulite = not worthy, ugly, don’t ever show your legs.  Thanks coach.  I still carry that one, but it’s more than just from her, it’s everywhere.  I still catch myself, looking at the cellulite and thinking there is something wrong with it.  Is it not possible that it’s the way my body prefers to store fat?  I don’t know!!!  I’ll take a look at that belief again and again until I can be at peace with my body, all the way at peace!!

You know, it doesn’t matter that I’m six feet tall, that I have a nicely proportioned body, brown skin and shiny hair, it really doesn’t matter what the body looks like on the outside, it’s the perception and the beliefs inside that shape everything.  Over the past few years, I have come to have more instances when I look in the mirror and say, “nice!” than instances when I look and say, “you look like crap, you are ugly,” and for that I’m grateful!  May the balance keep shifting!!

How could I ever have thought my body is ugly? What is on the inside changed my perception of the beauty of this body of mine! This was from a few years ago! My goal this summer is to do the same without the shorts!! Here's to celebrating my body and being an example out there to the little girls who will see me out there instead of hiding my body!

Things I’ve learned in the past year…I wish they taught this in school

I’ve been meaning to write this list for awhile now.  Sometimes it feels surreal, like how can this actually be my life, how can I actually have shifted this much, how could I have gone from feeling miserable and shut down inside, to feeling this marvelous freedom that is around most of the time, that is actually me?  Is this really what life is like I sometimes ask?  And then I just need to stop, breathe and look at how far I’ve come, what I’ve learned and how anyone can do this too, I am not someone special or extraordinary, I am just me (although there is nothing “just” about me, and I am extraordinary and so are all of us, we just don’t know it and we haven’t been allowed/permitted, by ourselves or society, to know it).

So I’ve been reflective in the past few days, thinking about what has happened, where I am and here are some of my thoughts.  I owe these learnings and these thoughts to my higher self, my higher self who was always there, who was always guiding me, loving me, supporting me, but who was obscured by the shadows of pain and sadness and judgement that were clouding everything.  I also owe these learnings to Jean Brazeau, the healer/coach/guide our family sees, for she has opened my eyes, she has connected me to my higher self, she has coached me to be me, the true me.  I will never have enough words for Jean, so instead, I share her message through this post and spread the love that she is to everyone I see by being my true self, who is also full of love.  Namaste and many blessings to Jean!!  I also owe these learnings to my husband Robbin and my daughter Zara.  They are the lights in my life, they are so beautiful, so amazing, so fun, so perfect.  Robbin is like a rock and he is so funny, such a gentleman, so silly, so grounded, so himself, so adventurous. He loves to cook, he loves me for me and he is my life and soul partner.  I love him beyond words.  And Zara, our beauty girl who just turned 3, she constantly teaches me about the world, shows me what is within me that is holding our family back and pushes me, with her beauty and her true-ness, to seek it out, to release it so we can all be free.  Her intensity, her hilarity, her openness, are all inspiring, are all pure and beautiful.  I am honored to be the third member in our little family.

And now, the learnings:

  • The body can take in what it needs and let the rest pass through.  Jean taught me this.  I was so sick, I couldn’t eat anything, I had a zillion food sensitivities and so did Zara, I had seen a naturopath, was on a crazy restricted diet, got somewhat back to health, only to have it come crashing down.  I had a session with Jean, I took a look at how controlled I’ve always felt, how powerless and how food was entangled in that dynamic.  I took back my power from food during that session with Jean and took back my power from my life, I had given it up years ago and was learning how to get it back.  Bada boom bada bing, I could eat whatever I wanted (please see My Healings, and Food Healing for more details).  Jean told me that we have all lost touch with our bodies so much, that our bodies can innately do so much, if we can let them.  She said I could eat whatever I wanted, my body was healthy, it was just all the shut down parts of me that were holding me back from eating, and once we looked at what was causing the shut down, I was free, I released it, and could eat whatever I wanted and Zara too.  I did that healing 8 months ago and I can still eat whatever I want.  Our bodies can do so much more than we know, we just need to know this, we need to spread the message. Like a cold for instance, it’s actually our bodies’ way of releasing density, energy that is heavy, that is holding us back.  Vomiting is the same, peeing/pooping, all of it, it’s how our body balances itself.  If we can let the body be the body and release the energy and emotions that are holding it back from functioning, then we can let it go and do the work it wants to.  Some awesome books about this are The Journey by Bradon Bays, she heals herself from a basketball size uterine tumor by releasing the emotions that caused the tumor in the first place.  The other one is Living in a Body on a Planet by William Linville, he teaches about the body and it’s innate abilities to heal itself, regenerate and operate at an optimum level.  This is stuff we should teach in schools:)
  • We all have the power, we just need to give ourselves permission to have it, to know it, to live it, to feel it.  I never felt like I had any power in my life, I always wanted to be the best to get love, I always did what my parents told me because I wanted them to love me, I did everything for everyone but me.  Then I started healing with Jean and now I’m seeing how I had given up so much in my life, so much of me, and now my life is going to be dedicated to living my true life, to make decisions for me from the heart, not because I want to make money, not because I think I’m fat, not because everyone else is doing something, not because it is the safe route, none of it.  I am taking back my power, I will eat what I want, I will do what makes me happy, I will love myself and I will spread love wherever I go, I will smile at others because it feels right to me, I will use my voice because that is what it is for, I will not wait for others to speak for me, I will not wait for others to be responsible for me, I will make decisions, knowing that I am loved and supported by God, by the universe, by my higher self, and that I am not as limited by old roles, behaviors, or beliefs or judgements anymore.  I will go for it, it is my life and I will live it dammit!  I just started up a kids dance/yoga/movement class for the parents in my parenting group.  I have no experience doing that, it just felt like the right thing to do and I’m really enjoying it.  I would not have given myself permission to try that, to give it a shot, I would have worried about making money instead (I’ve been on leave since my daughter was born in Feb.2009), or I would have listened to the constant, “I can’t do it, I can’t do this,” in my head.  Now, I’m playing with kids, teaching them with fun movements how to connect to their bodies, teaching them that they are pure love, that the emotions they feel are not them, that they can pull themselves back in, that they don’t need to hide parts of themselves away, that they are beautiful the way they are and then we get to have a crazy, silly time dancing.  So in that way, I can teach them, learn from them, and empower them the way I have been slowly empowering myself with Jean’s help.  A New Earth by Echardt Tolle was also helpful for me in this!
  • It is okay to use my voice.  I always knew I was shy, but I didn’t realize just how much.  I would very rarely speak up for myself.  Since starting this healing journey, I’ve been learning about the importance of saying what I need to say, I’ve blogged about it actually and I hope to do it more and more as I get more opportunities to speak where I would previously have stayed silent.(https://livingmytruelife.com/2012/01/04/finding-my-voice-and-teaching-my-daughter-to-find-hers/).  I’m wanting to make this a priority all the time.  Instead of being too shy about asking if they could warm up my cookie at Starbucks, I am going to ask for it.  If I like it that way and I say it with a smile, why would I not go for it.  If the doctor is touching my daughter in a way that makes her uncomfortable I am going to say something about it.  She has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I have to speak up, to show her that it is okay, that it is her body and that she can honor it, that no one, not even a doctor knows more than her about her own body.  If I don’t like what someone has said to me, I will find a way to say it without anger, but from a calm, neutral place, to let them know what it was I didn’t like.  If I see that someone is trying to intimidate me, I will smile inside, know that what they are saying and how they are acting, is not about me, and then I will say, “it seems as though you are really angry,” and then see how that goes!  I learned about that from both the Celestine Prophecy and How to Talk to Kids so Kids Will Listen and Listen So They Will Talk.  I will honor myself and hold myself from a place of trueness to my heart, from integrity, and if there are times when I do not speak, when my voice is lost, I will observe and see what I can do next time.  I will not keep myself in the corner, lost in silence and suffering, now that I see that life does not need to be that way, I am tired of the old way of life.  Let the love in I say, let me use my voice, let me give myself permission to be me, to speak, to love, to laugh and to lead by example for Zara and for the children of the world who are our future.  Let them see us all reclaiming our power, our voices, before they start to give themselves up to the world like I did, like we likely all did.  Thank you Jean for helping me find my voice in each session and to Robbin who coaches me, and who practices with me when I need to practice what I would say, and to Zara, who inspires me to change my views of myself and the world, she shows me what is possible.

I am going to end this post here.  It feels right.  I know there are more, but those are the biggest points for me, the ones I keep in my heart all the time.  I will forever be grateful to Jean, to Robbin, to Zara and to all the people whom I’ve met in the past year, who have helped me to open up, to push beyond the bull, to be me, to all those who have always accepted me and loved me despite the huge conflict I always had inside.  I am forever grateful and I am so happy to be flying now and spreading my wings and sprinkling pixie dust of hope and possibility and love wherever I go.

Namaste,

Bradlee

On the eve of my birthday

On the eve of my birthday….

I sit back and reflect on my 31st year and what a crazy journey it has been!

We moved into a very peaceful home.

We found food freedom (please see My Healings: My Food Healing).

I started healing and discovering my true self.

I have learned that it is okay to do things for me.

I have learned that the sun is always there, behind the clouds.

I have learned to celebrate life, breathe and be grateful, truly grateful, for my life and all the circumstances that brought me here, closer to my true self than ever.

I have learned that I can sing loudly, dance boldly and in a big way, that I can tickle my daughter and be spontaneously fun, that I can cook pretty well, that my body can take in what it needs and let the rest pass through, that I can let life come to me instead of forcing my way through it, and most importantly, I have gotten in touch with the love that I truly am, and I can now see it in all people, instead of walking around with judgement, with wanting to be different and to hide, now I see the love, and I feel the love.  What a blessing.

So tonight, I celebrate the freedom I have found on this healing journey. I celebrate that I can eat Doritos and read Harry Potter while my husband is out of town and our beauty daughter sleeps.  I celebrate that I can sit here in my underwear typing this and that’s cool (instead of having to hide my body).  I can celebrate that my life no longer has an undercurrent of sadness and negativity, that I am growing, and shining and finding my bright light, and living my true life.

I love my life!
I love Robbin!!!
Food freedom, our first carbs of any kind in more than half a year, my mom's amazing cinnamon buns!!