My daughter will know who I really am

I am fresh from a wonderful healing session where I got down deep into the rejection fears I have had in this life, which have often left me in a serious protection/hiding mode.  I admitted that it is so hard even now to call someone to find out if they want to get together and it was so funny to hear those words coming out of my mouth, words that do not even make any sense any longer with where I have been going, to the light, to the love.  I have found that the more I go inside, to the deeper places that have haunted me so terribly, the more I realize that those fears, emotions and memories were never who I was in the first place.  I’m finding it less scary and intimidating to face what I have previously repressed and shut down, because I know now that they are not real, that they are just there to show me how I covered my true self up, and that I’m still there under them, waiting to come out to shine again.

The healer and guide that I see was encouraging me to put myself in an imaginary coliseum of sorts, where everyone who has ever rejected me can come rushing out at me, ready to hurt me again (the idea behind this is that you totally surrender to the emotion and let it have you so you can be free from it, I’ve done this in other sessions with remarkable success!!).  She was asking me to call out their names as they were coming towards me and it was amazing because she was calling out some names too of people I hadn’t even really considered as rejecting me, but from this fresh perspective, I could see how terrified I had been of what they may have said to me.  It was a wonderful experience, feeling them all come, and knowing deep down now that no matter what happens to me, what any one says to me to try to hurt me, it will truly not affect me.  I felt them rushing at me, but it was like they were melting by the time they got close to me, I was just a bright light that nothing could extinguish.  I said that out loud and she helped me to see that all the work we had done together in that session leading up to that had already dissolved the power that I had given other people, the power to hurt me, so I was free and she had wanted me to feel that with that exercise.  It was truly awe inspiring to be free of that, after so many memories of being terrified of being pushed away, of not being good enough, like there was something so wrong with me that people wouldn’t want me around.

Jean, the guide, was encouraging me to let in the light, to fill in all the places that the rejection had taken up in my body and in my heart, and to shine as me even brighter.  As she was saying that, she stroked my hair at the top of my forehead, so gently, so tenderly, to love me and encourage me.  It was the most tender and beautiful touch I had ever experienced at that moment and it made me so incredibly glad for the journey I have gone on in my life, so that I could step in to myself and be my true self and love my daughter the way I want to, without all the internal suffering going on that was limiting how I could be her parent.  It made me remember all the times I have touched my own daughter like that, and all the yearnings I felt as a child to be held super close and stroked gently.  I know I must have been held that way, but the memories must have been buried under the rejection fears I had.  So, I said to Jean, “I’m so happy that Zara (my daughter) will remember and know what it feels like to be touched this way,” and I was crying as I was saying it and Jean said, “Zara will know who her mother really is.”   I stopped, smiled and knew it as a truth, that Zara will know me not as being the emotions that used to run my life, but she will know me as me, as the love that I am (that we all are at our core, but we all get buried up and covered up by life, unless we are supported in staying as the love and learning how to be in the world without becoming the world).  That is what I appreciate and value the most about Jean’s teachings, it’s not that we are all different, it’s not that we are the emotions and life situations and roles and beliefs and thoughts that we think we are, it’s really that we are all the same, we are all love, and we all have the abilities to shine and to genuinely love ourselves, know ourselves and honor ourselves, and from there, life becomes more fun, easier and so much more free, caring and loving.

Here is what I’ve learned about who I am and what my daughter has seen me move through in the past 20 months of healing sessions:

  • I am the light.  Any thought, emotion, memory I have that is not loving or kind, is not who I am
  • I can help my body heal and regenerate physically as I let go of the stuff hidden inside (I have gone through some remarkable physical changes, that is for another post:)
  • There is an incredible and beautiful essence in my body and it lights up my body, it is my soul, my light, my love and that is my truth, it is me and I can feel it coursing through my body and I can use that feeling to connect with myself any time I feel lost in thoughts, in emotions or lost and scattered out in the world.
  • I can connect to myself and feel my light and amplify it around my body and throughout a room and cause a shift in the energy around me because I’m expanding the love I have inside around me so that I walk in light (and others experience it too) and not have to take on the panic, anger and despair that might be hanging around at the grocery store or otherwise.
  • I am learning that I love working with families to help them connect to themselves through creative movement, yoga, songs, games, crafts, stories and more, and that my heart sings when I am in a room full of children who learn that they can shift the energy in a room just by putting their hands on their hearts and feeling it beating and learning how to connect to themselves!  (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com is where I describe more about the classes, and the training I’ve had and the tools I use, etc!)
  • I am not alone and I never was (none of us are).  I can ask the universe and angels for help and I will receive it (and she does the same, honestly, to be at this place where I can feel scared and ask an angel to help me and actually feel the difference, the peace in my body, it is such a blessing after feeling for 32 years that I was completely alone in this world and so lost).

I’m sure the list can go on, but it would be more like, here are things I used to think about myself and now I don’t and I think that is a whole other post.  If there was a self defeating thought or belief out there, I definitely had it, held onto it and made it who I was.  I was a victim to everything, it was a role I am very familiar with and may even have won an Oscar for:)

I am so grateful for the opportunity to turn my life around and to live from my heart instead of despair.  May we all get the chance to know ourselves as we really as and watch the magic unfold as we get to experience life, not through the eyes of the hurt, but from the love, and from the possibilities, and may we all remember that we are all the same, beautiful souls on different journeys, giving each other the different experiences we couldn’t experience unless we were here on Earth, ready for the ride.

To see our daughter grow and be free as my husband and I continue the work of going inside and clearing out all that is not us, has been the best gift of all.
To see our daughter grow and be free as my husband and I continue the work of going inside and clearing out all that is not us, has been the best gift of all.

No more hiding

I have lived in this crazy pattern of living, then hiding, living, then hiding for as long as I can remember.  It has been such a heavy pattern to live from, the guilt from hiding, the wonder if anyone is going to care enough to notice that I’m “hiding”, the feeling of the absence of me and what that must feel like for the people around me.  All in all, heaviness and density, just dragging down yuck!

Now the exciting part!!!  Wohoo!!  As I’ve started reclaiming my life and getting to the core of these life long patterns, and as a result, I have the clarity to see how the pattern started and to choose differently.  It also have given me the freedom to choose differently because the weight of the initial reason for the pattern has been released and cleansed.  So the other day, I was told by our family’s healer/coach/guide some things about how I can support my daughter in her young life and how I can support myself as well.  It was beautiful advice, given from the heart, neutrally and with every intent of support and love, I felt it in my whole being.  I was excited because it made so much sense and I knew I could do it.  By the time I got home and chatted with the repairmen who were working on our house, my mind totally took over and told me with all these poisonous thoughts:

-you are responsible for your whole family and look how you are ruining them,

-you can’t do this, you need time away, you need to run, get out of here, go away, far

-hide and hide, deeper and deeper, you don’t even want to be here.

I was aware of myself drowning in those thoughts, I knew they didn’t make any sense, but for some reason I felt powerless. I knew that I had likely absorbed some energy from the repairmen (this happens to all of us!), so I cried it out, I broke energy with them and yet I was hidden inside and frustrated and angry.  It was amazing to me, it is pretty rare that I get “taken down” so hard any more.  But it had to happen so I could stop the pattern myself I think.  I had some quiet time to myself in the evening and I knew deep down that I could take care of myself, that I could connect to myself and shine my light through that darkness, but it was hard!!  I’m learning that I have all the tools within and the support within and around me, that all I need to do is ask and it will come.  I had a feeling though that there was something external that night that was going to help, so I trusted that.  I found this video and it was exactly what I needed to help me take back my power from poisonous, suffocating thoughts:

How can I eliminate judgment and an explanation of anger: http://www.williamlinville.com/videojudgmentanger.html

I learned (again!!!) that the mind is always going to try to keep itself in power, in control, just as it has for most of our lives. I’ve been learning to thank my mind, to live from my heart and to use my mind as a tool instead of letting it manipulate me and control me (it used to tell me to eat to stay safe, etc, etc).  It was a simple video that gave me back me power and I have a sense that it was a significant step for me in reclaiming myself.  Learning to say to the mind, “Oh ya, you think so, eh?  You think that I am ruining my family?  Prove it and then we’ll see,” and of course, there is rarely any proof, especially not with those thoughts I was experiencing the other night, it is the exact opposite in fact:)

Breaking free of the control of the mind.  From a beautiful website about natural childbirth!!: http://mynaturalchildbirth.org/page/4/

So I invite you to try the same!  I don’t think that it is only as simple as this but it is a part of the puzzle of unravelling the layers we’ve buried ourselves under and starting to shine again.

Knowing you are supported

I lived my life feeling alone.   Feeling invisible, but also feeling so stand out-ish (I was nearly 6 feet by 12 years old!), ready to be seen and made fun of, picked at, judged and criticized.  It was a tough balance, trying to hide, feeling obvious, feeling invisible, all at once.  Not the best combination I say!  I remember the times where I felt like I was alone, no one loved me, I didn’t love me, I didn’t know who I was, but I knew I was lost and alone.

I know we each have our own journey and I am starting to see how mine was perfectly arranged for me to leave so much of these feelings and emotions behind.  We all have a journey here on this planet.  We all came into this world, fully aware of what we wanted to accomplish, what we knew we needed to work on in this life, and how we chose our parents so that they would provide us with ample opportunities to be challenged and to go beyond what we were comfortable with, to break free, to awaken, to be more conscious, to learn to live in this world, without being a victim to it, or being a part of it and being dragged along with it every day.  If you are interested in a book that outlines this in a very easy to understand way, you can pick up the Celestine Prophecy and the second part of it, called The 10th Insight, Holding the Vision, both by James Redfield. I had been learning these things from the healer/coach/guide our family sees here in Ottawa, but when I read these points in The 10th Insight, it sunk in deeper and really resonated with me as total truth:)

We are all supported, even when we feel like we are falling apart.
Image from (http://www.123rf.com/photo_9327994_red-apple-being-cut-in-half-with-a-sharp-knife-being-held-up-by-one-single-toothpick.html)

I wonder if I needed to feel so alone in this life, only to marvel at all the times that I was held up and supported by forces that I didn’t understand, but that I knew on some level.  I know that many of us feel like things are crazy, like we are alone, like life is just too hard, if only we could know that someone cared, that someone had the time for us, etc., etc..  We are all the same, it’s only our stories that are different.

I’d like to share some stories with you about how I have learned that I was always supported in my life, even when things seemed really hard and super lonely.  I’d like to share some of those stories from my earlier unconscious life (31 and younger!) and from my newer more conscious life (31 to now, nearly 33!).

May these stories encourage you to find a quiet moment, to lie down or sit up, to put your hands on your heart and to ask your heart to show you all the times that you were supported, even when you felt desperately alone.  Take your time.  Once you get some messages, let them soak into your awareness, let them fill you with love, with the knowledge that you are never alone and never have to be again.

If your mind gets in the way, it’s okay, kindly ask it to come up to a higher level of consciousness and ask it to work with you instead of against you.  You know you believe in the possibilities, ask your mind to come along with you as you open yourself up to being more supported, to even believing that it is possible that you can ask for help whenever you need it and that your call with be answered, by the universe, by our creator, by God, by angels, by your guides, call them whatever you want, it matters not, it only matters that you believe, that you trust that you are worth it, that you deserve the support, that they were always with you.  Go ahead, and ask them for help.  If you’re not sure yet, read on.  I still can’t believe what I have been doing in my personal life.  I went from not believing in anything, to feeling the love and peace that can only come from the universe, from source, from angels, from God.  I am so grateful for those feelings, those moments of remembering that no matter what, I am supported.  And now, some stories:

  • I was in university working on my honors Biology final project.  I had been in the computer lab for hours, I was exhausted and wanted to go home, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to complete on online application to work as a summer student for the Canadian federal government, so I stayed and completed it.  After I graduated, I was back at home, feeling depressed that I hadn’t found a job despite my degree.  I remember feeling worthless and useless.  One night, I went out onto my parents’ driveway to get some fresh air and I vividly remember staring at the moon and stars and saying out loud, “I leave it up to you, I’m not sure what to do, can you take over,” or something to that effect.  A few days later, I got a call from Health Canada (the Canadian FDA) and they wanted me to move to Ottawa for a job.  Ha!!  I didn’t know it then, but I was so being taken care of.  Something/someone guided me to complete the application when it was the last thing I wanted to do and for some reason, I “let go” on that driveway and turned it over to the universe and it showed me what was possible because I let go of needing to make my life happen!
  • I started working full time at Health Canada at the Special Access Programme, which helps patients with life threatening conditions to get access to unapproved medications when all marketed treatments have been tried and failed.  It was an incredible job that taught me a lot and gave me a huge appreciation for my own physical health (I didn’t know then that there was more than just medicine and that my health could markedly improve with energy work, kind of ironic, eh?).  I remember working on some of the applications and I would hear a voice inside, guiding me, “you’d better call that doctor and ask him for more information.”  I remember thinking, “oh okay, I’d better do that,” and thinking that I had a strong conscience or something.  I think you can call it whatever you want, but what it comes down to is that I was being supported and guided to do the things that would serve those patients in their best interests.
  • When I was really sick and not doing well (please see the About page), our family’s naturopath told me to read the book The Journey by Brandon Bays, which is about going into the body, to the source of illness and finding out what memories and emotions are stored in the cells that could be causing the illness.  I knew it was for me and I was just going to try the process out with a friend, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to look on The Journey website to see if there were any local practitioners.  I checked it out one night and the list was really long but it seemed like there was only one name on it, like the others were blurred and the one name was really big.  I remember thinking, “hmm, that’s really weird,” so I clicked on the profile and the person seemed really great, but I wasn’t ready so I closed it.  The next night, the same thing happened, I had this strong feeling to look again and there was her name in big letters, even though they were the same size as the others.  I made an appointment and here I am a year and a half later, so much more my true self, so much more free and open and happy and I go to see her regularly!   If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ll see how much I’ve changed even in the past few months.
  • This summer, I was awoken in the middle of the night to some loud yelling and fighting.  I literally felt paralyzed and terrified lying in bed.  I was so unsure of what to do and all I could do was to call out for help in my mind and within moments, there was this tremendous peace and love that filled my body.  I remember lying there, so pleased, so overwhelmingly overjoyed and then before I knew it, I was asleep.  It was like a dream, but it was beyond real. I woke up the night morning, super excited at what had happened and so ready to be able to deal with what I had heard during the night, instead of being terrified!  I wasn’t alone!  All I did was ask for help and it came!
  • I had a big learning experience in one of the classes I teach and my mind was in overdrive, it was telling me what a bad job I had done, etc. etc. and I had enough.  I was lying in bed with my daughter to help her get to sleep, but I was so restless and anxious, I may as well not have been there.  I called out for help again because it had worked so well in the summer and within moments, my mind was quiet and I was at a peace.  I remember lying there, relieved and somewhat in disbelief and then Zara was asleep, just like that. I had been assisted and she felt the shift and she could go to sleep.

Those are the key ones that I wanted to share for now. If you have any stories you’d like to share, please do so.  We are all supported, even in our most unconscious or our most desperate moments.  Believe in yourself, believe in what is possible, even if you don’t understand it yet, it’s there for you, loving you, holding you up, ready to give you the gift of love and company.  Give it a try, you are worth it.

Sweet dreams,

Bradlee

A choice

I felt choice-less for so long.  It feels really long, even though it was about 31 years, well no, closer to 32, which is how old I am now.  It’s taken me a year and a half of work with an amazingly loving and beautiful and intuitive energy healer to get to the realization that I have a choice.  Every day, every minute, every second.  I can choose how I want my life to be.  I can choose.  Wow.  I had no idea.  I was living in such a helpless and choice-less place.  In fact, I think it’s pretty awesome that I’m starting to see that I have a choice, that I have a voice I can use, that I have legs that can move my body if I’m not pleased with where I am, and that I have a light inside that I can amplify so that I can bask in my light, in my love and always know that I am safe and loved and cared for.  Even if it had taken me my whole life, it would have been a worthy lesson, a lesson that would have been a huge accomplishment to have learned in one life time.  And now, here I am, every day, remembering that I can choose.

During my last healing session, which I kind of thinking of as a “cutting the cord” healing and a “finding my voice” healing, I remember saying to Jean, “you know, I look forward to the day when I don’t feel guilty or bad about things.”  Tee hee.  Jean looked at me, so intensely, so seriously and she said,” well you know Bradlee, you can wait for that day, or you can choose it now, you really don’t have to wait.”  Hahaha, I think you could have heard the light bulb turning on or the proverbial click, “aha, she got it!!”  It settled into every cell in my body, which was super exciting!  I have a choice!  Wohoo!!

So, a week or so later, I asked my daughter who is 3 if she could feel that I had been worrying about her when we were out at a friend’s house.  She said she could feel it.  I started to feel bad and then I said, “you know Zara, one of these days, I won’t worry about you any more, because you are so capable and so perfect in every way,” and then, I heard it again, the click, this realization, the choice that I had at that exact moment.  WOW!!  I said, “oh my goodness Zara, I have a choice!!  I don’t have to worry about you any more, right now, I can do this!  I don’t have to choose to do this any more!!”  I got really excited and I bolted right up.  I don’t remember if I sang, or danced, or if that was only an internal thing, but it was like a huge weight off of me and off of her.  I felt the difference, I was able to feel the weight of that worry, and I knew it was gone, that I had made a conscious decision to let her be herself, to trust her, to trust her inner knowing, which is so strong, so wise, so powerful.  As I’m healing, I’m learning to trust myself, to stop worrying about myself, so as I am letting go of the need to protect myself, it’s extending to Zara because I was so over-protective of her.  Now I see that I can also choose to let her go, let her be herself and to learn more to trust herself and to learn how capable she is without her mother always there, hovering.  My mom did the same for me, she was always there, protecting me one way or another because that inner need to protect your child is so strong, especially since it stems from all of your own past hurts.  For many reasons I’m now starting to understand (from this life and many past lives), I always felt so unloved, so unsafe, so scared.   If I can free myself and let myself be free, and let myself be me, then Zara will be herself, instead of a shadow of herself, like I always felt like I was.  I was barely there, that’s what it felt like.  May this letting go, may this choice, allow my daughter and I greater freedom, greater independence, greater trust and great love!!

When I was at Jean’s house for that last healing, Jean had turned off the soft music because she had felt like it was distracting me.  We went into this huge boil I had on my inner thigh to find out what was in there and it was my mom’s voice, yelling at me to leave her alone because she was busy and didn’t have time for me then.  I remember being little and even older and kind of hanging around her, looking for love, for play times, for connecting and she would ask me if I needed her to entertain me and she asked me to go do something else.  Whenever she said that, I felt awful inside, it always seemed so cruel, so hurtful, so loud, so scary, I didn’t want to be alone, I was so terrified of being alone, even if it was just by myself to play.  I think we all have that place inside, where we want to scream out, “LEAVE ME ALONE!!!”, especially as a mother of young children, who is trying to do everything perfectly, be responsible, to love her kids, to give her kids what she didn’t have, but not having enough time for herself.  I think all moms can relate to that, I have certainly felt it, as well as it’s opposite, “PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME.”  It can be quite a confusing dynamic to life out in daily life, and as I’m seeing it, how I was stuck in that, I can now appreciate all the confusion I felt!!

During the healing, I had to go inside and find that 3 year old me who had learned that it was better not to speak, better to be seen rather than heard, she who came to think she wasn’t good enough, wasn’t love-able and who was worthless.  I cried alot and then I sent her to the light with her true family.  She didn’t want to leave at first, she was too scared, so Jean helped me to love her and to coach her that she was okay, that she had done her job, that she could go home to the light.  I always love that part, I remember feeling all those little selves my whole life, controlling me, trying to protect me, trying to keep me safe, when really the circumstances had changed and yet, they were limiting me, creating my reality.  So, to find them inside, to hear their messages, to allow myself to feel the pain I was never allowed to feel, to express the emotions that were shoved down (again, we all do these things), and then to send them to the love and light, wow, it is truly transformational and pure and beautiful.    There was another little me in there too, a 6 month old me who was alone in her crib, crying out, feeling unsafe and unloved and wanting protection while my parents were in the hallway fighting.  It’s amazing, I never remember my parents fighting, they were so not the fighting kind (if they had disagreements it was usually non-verbal, but I remember feeling it nonetheless), but there must have been that time very early in my life.  I had absorbed the anger and fear from their argument, the leave me alone, and the please don’t leave me that were cycling back and forth during that argument.  It’s what happens to all children and really to all of us, if we aren’t aware, if we aren’t grounded in our bodies, the energy of the argument comes right in and stays there, even if it isn’t our argument, and then an hour later we have a headache and we don’t know why.  I can think of all those times I felt heavy after being around certain situations and that heaviness now makes sense!!

After experiencing the feelings I had as a 6 month old, we released her to the light too.  Then Jean had me envision a cord between my mom and I, and then she had me cut it.  I saw a picture of us falling apart, and then she quickly said, “okay, now seal it with your love.”  I LOVED that part!  It was so loving, so beautiful, so true, so in respect of the relationship with my mom, it was almost like a way of saying, ‘all that happened, it’s okay, we’re going to live side by side in the love,  not in a crazy mother daughter knot any more, it’s okay, we’re good, I love you mom, thank you for all that you have done for me and thanks for your support as I grow and become my true self.” I really felt nice.  Then I did it with my daughter and I, a shorter version because Jean hadn’t suggested it, but it felt right, to allow for her and I have to that same love, that same space, that same side by side dancing, instead of knotted tangled attempts at life.  Then, the music turned on, just like that and much louder than before when Jean had turned it off.  We both looked at each other, the stereo was on the other side of the room, and we were both silent.  She looked at the clock and it was 12:12pm and she kind of gasped, and she said, “Bradlee, it’s 12:12pm, it’s a number of a huge opening for you (she explained that any double numbers are representatives of openings in a life).”  Then she paused and she said, “Archangel Michael is here, wow, let’s just sit here with our eyes closed and take all of this in.”  I felt radiant and beautiful and then I cried a bit because I felt worthy, I felt loved and protected.  I had experienced this huge opening for my mom, myself and my daughter, a beautiful loving opening and Archangel Michael came to support me and to give me his love and he turned the music on.  I basked in it and felt the possibilities.  I remember crying on and off and I know we talked a bit more afterwards.  Jean had told me, “Bradlee if you don’t believe that you are supported and being cared for after this…” and then I knew, without a doubt, that I was loved, that God was with me, that angels are with me, and that they truly are with all of us, because if they are with me, they are with all of us. I had given up on God, Jesus and angels and all of it, and they keep coming to me to show me they’ve always been there, that I can call on them if I need them and that they are here for me to support and love me.

An aside: Please check out this link if you are interested in a story about how my daughter and I called on Green Tara (a Buddha) and she came to help us!  We are truly supported: https://livingmytruelife.com/2012/06/25/a-visit-from-green-tara/

Wow.  Is there any other word I can write than wow?  Maybe thank you.  Maybe there are no words, but rather I can live my true life, and be grateful that I am here, that I am questioning the old, letting go of the old, and welcoming in my truth and living really and truly from that place.

Before I finish this post, I’d like to add that I’ve always been scared that I have a bad singing voice. It’s always seemed so weak and scared to me. I can think of many times when I have been told that I am not a good singer, or felt like I was no good at singing, etc., so it never really surprised me.  Now that I’m teaching family and kids yoga and singing a lot, I was thinking I would get some voice lessons, to be able to project my voice and find it’s power.  I came home after this healing last Monday and I sang a song for my daughter and there was so much power and volume in my voice, I didn’t recognize it.  I tried it again, there it was, my voice, loud and powerful!!  And it sounded nice!!! By releasing those energies that day, it freed up my voice to the next level, so I could speak up for myself, so that I could find the power within and sing it out.  What a true blessing and gift.  I’m honored, thrilled and very excited to see how I continue to shift and evolve and open as I commit to myself, totally and completely.

With love and much peace,

Bradlee

I didn’t do anything wrong

Wow.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  How long had I felt that inside, with it holding me as it’s prisoner, this constant, life long desire to prove that I was good enough, that I was okay, that I didn’t do anything wrong.  Wow.  I had a healing session yesterday with the coach/healer (Jean Brazeau, jeanbrazeau at sympatico.ca) that I see and wow.  I’m still seeing how this belief, this statement that was keeping itself well alive inside of me, was controlling my life and was inviting all these circumstances for me to have to prove that I didn’t do anything wrong or just to feel the constant guilt that I really did do something wrong.

At the session yesterday, Jean encouraged me to go to age 11 and this memory popped up for me of being 11. My brother, who was 9 at the time, and I were home alone after school.  We were watching tv when I knew I should have been doing my homework (ie, I was already doing something wrong) and the whole time, I had no idea that the upstairs toilet was overflowing.  It must have been overflowing for an hour or so, and it dripped right into the laundry room on the first floor and then right on down into the basement, essentially flooding the house.  My dad came home after work and he asked what the running water sounds were about and he was of course, quite upset and nervous.  He started swearing and he was trying to figure out where it was coming from.  I remember vaguely following him around, seeing the toilet upstairs, with the water everywhere, going into the laundry room and seeing the water dripping from the ceiling and then going to the basement, to see my dad there, in a huge puddle of water, in his business suit.  I felt like I did something wrong, like I should have known, like it was my responsibility, like I failed him.  I absorbed a lot of his anger, his disappointment, his guilt at us being at home by ourselves and all the “I can’t do this anymore,” that we have all felt on occasions such as this, like we just can’t bear how hard life is any more.  I absorbed it just as my dad absorbed it during his childhood, etc, etc.  Jean was helping me to see what a key moment and memory that was for me and just how deep it went in my life currently, how I constantly felt like I had done something wrong and that I had screwed up.

It was fascinating, because moments after that, I remembered how I was 22 and I had just moved into an apartment with a new room mate Natalie (who grew to be such a precious and beautiful friend!!) and I remember hearing water.  I remember thinking, oh, that is so soothing.  I was in the basement of the apartment/house, so I just figured I could hear the water in the pipes or something.  It soothed me to sleep, that was as far as I took it.  We had to call the landlord because of a strange smell in the apartment and he came into my room and he said, “what is that running water sound?” and he opened a trap door that was in my room that was behind my dresser and there it was, a pipe that had a leak and there was water shooting out of it, all concealed behind that wall.  He turned to me and screamed, “this is like f^*king Niagara Falls,” and he continued to swear and he directed all of this anger and negative energy towards me and made it seem like it was all my fault.  He may or may not have done it intentionally, but there I was 11 years later, re-living the same friggin moment!!  Jean helped me to give that 22 year old me a voice and I said out loud yesterday to him as a second chance, “Hey, this isn’t my fault.  I just moved into this apartment, I was told someone checked it over before I moved in here, I didn’t do anything wrong, this isn’t my responsibility,” and it felt good. It felt really good.  A voice!  I was able to give my 22 year old self a voice!  Nice!!  And then we sent her to the light, where she could be with her true family, away from the blame, her job was done.

I then mentioned to Jean that when I was a kid and teenager, I would get really nervous about being late.  It hadpopped up for me that day because I had been late twice that week and I am usually so careful about not being late.  I remembered as a kid that whenever my dad was driving me somewhere, which was often because our family lived in the suburbs of Montreal, he would leave with just enough time to get there and it would freak me out, it would make me so nervous, so terrified inside.  I remember thinking my dad liked the challenge of it, the, “Oh, I can get Bradlee there with 1 minute to spare, or at the exact time she needs to be there,” but it still freaked me out.  I remember sitting, waiting for him each time, being paralyzed and nervous, but not feeling like I could do anything about it.  While Jean and I were talking about it, she encouraged me to go there, to that memory of feeling terrified, nervous and as she was coaching me to go there, my body froze and shifted sideways.  I felt like my body was crippled and I couldn’t move and that I had been in that position for 20 years.  She helped me to see that my body felt that every time, that it really was paralyzed energetically because it freaked me out so much.

She then coached me to see that there was a past life that I had lived, where I had lived in that state.  I was able to see people carrying me away, and then I saw a big fire and Jean told me that I had been a witch, a good witch, a healer, in a past life and that I was trying to heal someone and it didn’t work out, they died, and the people carried me away and burned me at the stake.  Jean asked me to ask within, to ask that witch who I used to be, why she was presenting to me and I heard within, “you didn’t do anything wrong.”  Wow.  There it was again, so profound, so true, so what I needed to get to yesterday.  Apparently I had made a vow that day when they were carrying me to the fire, that I would never use my healing abilities again, that it meant that I would be killed, so I shut them down, and that shut down carried forward to this life.  Jean helped me to command that vow to the sun so it wouldn’t be limiting me any more, and I welcomed in all the beautiful parts of me that were shut down, paralyzed or pushed away, back in to this body and then my body started to shine within.  It was and always is a beautiful feeling.  Jean helped my body to release all the tension from the paralysis in my spine and ribcage and she helped get the energy flowing in my spine again and it made an awesome difference.

All that to say that a year ago, I didn’t believe in God, I didn’t believe in angels, I didn’t believe in past lives, but it didn’t take long after starting my work with Jean.  When you can feel God and Jesus and Mary and angels around you and when you hear their voices occasionally, it changes all that disbelief into belief.  It is such an absolute pleasure for me to be reclaiming my life, to be re-learning all those truths that I have forgotten in this life and to be re-discovering the joys of our creator and all of the support team who are here for us, we just have to believe and ask for the help.  Wow.  I’m grateful for all those experiences in my life that have helped get me to here, to this point of starting to shine again, of letting go of the fears of death, of the total and paralyzing belief that I have done something wrong and that I should be punished.  Wow.  Thank you to my soul, who is super committed to be on the fast track path of reclaiming my life, thank you to Jean for all of her beautiful work and guidance, and thank you to my family, without whom I would never have gotten to this point of choosing love in my life, instead of the total fear and sadness that dominated my life for 31 years.

I look forward to the shifts in my life now that the sun is setting on the fundamental belief I was carrying that ” I did something wrong.” This is a photo I took on my honeymoon in 2007!