Things usually start to happen with me (and probably everyone) before they go for a healing. I was scheduled to come today (January 7, 2012) and on Sunday, it starting presenting to me, what it is I needed to let go of. Our daughter was getting ready to go to sleep and she was really itchy and uncomfortable. The logical part of me was like, “oh okay, get her in the bath,” but this rage came up and was like, “NOOOOOOOOO, what about me?!!?!!” I was amazed, it didn’t make any sense, here she was, clearly in need of me, there I was, wanting to love and support her and then I felt the rage. So I stormed downstairs, banged some things around before getting her bathtub (she loves to bathe in those huge tupperwares, hahaha, it’s such a riot) from the basement, I felt myself being ridiculous, so I knew it was just the emotions coming up. I eventually calmed down, apologized, talked to her about how it was emotions coming up from within me, it wasn’t me, and that I certainly wanted to be there with her, loving her and supporting her. Then we had a nice bath and she was feeling better.
I wrote to Jean, our family coach/guide/healer, and told her what had come up for me with Zara. She let me know that it was all coming up before the appointment and that we would work together on it on Thursday, which is today. So I went to her house and she coached me through some fascinating and super helpful techniques about staying grounded in my body (we all know the opposite of that…feeling scattered, feeling torn in a thousand directions, feeling unsure, feeling everything around you but not your own body) and about how I can amplify my consciousness so that it is all around me and so that I can bring other people up to the level that I am vibrating at now because I’ve been able to let go of so much through healing with her. She actually showed me how to amplify my consciousness so that I can expand it to other places before I even get there, so I can feel at peace and not let all the energy that is out there in the world come in because I’ve expanded from a grounded place and sent out my consciousness. There is so much more I still need to learn, maybe I’ll never fully understand it or be able to explain it!? Who knows? All I know is that I did it and I noticed a huge difference in the room. I’m home now typing and I did it here and the peace is palpable. We all have these abilities as I’m learning with Jean. She is remarkable and I will forever be grateful for her strength, patience, courage and guidance and her brilliant essence and light.
After practicing this, Jean reiterated how important it is to stay grounded in the body, and that I should really teach it to Zara because she is quite sensitive to energy around her and it will move through her without staying in her body if she can be grounded. Jean also recommended that I teach Zara how to expand and amplify her energy/consciousness so that she will be in her own light walking around and the energies that she feels as she moves through the world won’t affect her as much. Here’s an example of how it works: We all know those people who you go around and they bring you down. They’re carrying alot of emotions in their body and they want everyone to know about it. Zara and all children are so open, so full of light, that the energy goes right through them. We have to teach them about the energy, teach them that it’s just energy, it’s not about the people who are carrying it and it’s certainly not something they want to hold onto. So by teaching Zara to be grounded in her body, it will just move through instead of getting stuck. I’m working on that now every time I leave the house and now Jean has given me another tool I can use, which is to amplify and expand my consciousness so it will bring everyone around me up, bring up their vibration too. We were all never taught this. It is bizarre, it is slightly unbelievable but it is true. As you start to heal and grow and open it becomes more and more and more obvious. I hope to convey some of my learning and observations about energy and how to live in a world without taking it all on, in this blog. It’s all about living our true lives as our true selves and not getting caught up in the energies, in the karma and the games and roles and getting stuck in limiting beliefs. I sometimes wonder why this is all happening to me, but for now I’m just going with it and writing about it because it feels right.
Next! The next part of the healing was about the rage and anger I felt when Zara was itchy. Jean said, “Go to age 17,” and the first thing that popped up was my Dad driving me to my college (cegep if you’re in Quebec, which is where I was living at the time). I hated it. I hated it because I was living away from home when I felt like I wasn’t quite ready, I was on the basketball team because I am soo tall and I was really good, so it was just what I did. I remembered how every week I cried in the car while my Dad was driving me, but I tried to hide it but also make it obvious. It’s interesting because just last week when I went home for Christmas, I for some reason (maybe because this was all meant to happen and I was being nudged by God, the Universe, all of it), asked him about it, asked him if he ever knew that I cried. He said no. It was my way of reaching out back then, even though it was hidden and he never knew. I think that it had to happen that way because I had so lost my power, I had no idea that I had the power to choose, that I could be responsible for myself. It was a lesson I was only to learn in the past few years and I’m now almost 32!!
Then Jean asked me to get in touch with the 17 year old me. So I just breathed and try to let “her” come forward. Then all of a sudden, my body felt heavier, the weight of the world was on my shoulders, my shoulder started aching and the mobility was limited and the right side of my belly was hurting, it kind of felt like an ovary or something. She helped me to connect with the energy that wanted so badly to come out and I was saying things like:
- I don’t want to do this!
- I’m not perfect
- Why are you making me do this!
Jean helped me to see that it was all about control. That I didn’t feel like I was allowed to do what I chose. That all of my choices back then were made for me, even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. Was it my parents doing this? Was it society? Was it pressure I put on myself and that I felt from my peers and the basketball coaches and the teachers? Was I just addicted to doing the best I could all the time? I believe it was all of it. I felt so much pressure to be perfect, to be the best, to do everything, to participate in everything, to never quit or give up, even if it meant I was going against my true self. I know too that part of me just wanted to be seen, to be loved, to be accepted. So the tears of frustration and lack of control came right up and I bawled. It was awesome. It was so nice to finally acknowledge it, feel it, feel what I didn’t give myself permission to feel back then. Jean was there, encouraging me to go deeper, to picture my dad dropping me off and then making a choice, deciding what I wanted to “actually do” instead of what I felt forced and compelled to do. I screamed out a big “fuck you” to the world, and then I pictured myself:
- not playing basketball
- not going home every weekend just to escape
- actually trying the rock-climbing wall at school
- having a boyfriend because I had the time
- tutoring at the learning centre more because I had time
- lying on the grass next to the river that was across the fucking street from campus that I never enjoyed!!
- hanging out with friends, meeting people and enjoying life instead of having to hide in my residence room studying because I had no time to do that because of basketball practice and games, and, and, and.
It was wonderful. Jean encouraged me to go deeper, to see if there was anything else. I knew there was, so I talked about it first, just to get it out in the open. I’ve never told this to my parents, but I think that I will now, I’ll see. I also haven’t decided whether to show them this blog, I’m waiting to see what I’m guided to do. I think they’d enjoy it, they’ve been healing right along with me, that’s what I’ve noticed and it’s what Jean’s told me all along. As we heal ourselves, those around us are healed and they can let go of long-held onto energies too that are limiting. Anyway, that’s beside the point. So, whenever I left my parents when I was little, right up to this past year, I’ve felt this grip between us, holding me back, pulling me to them, like a strangle hold and it’s always made me cry or has made me feel like crying when there is a distance between us. I never really understood it until I started on this healing path and I’ve had so many abandonment fears to let go of. Now of course, I see it was the fear of abandonment, of being alone. I think my mom must have it too because it was always strongest between the two of us. I used to see it in her eyes, the pain that I was feeling but I didn’t understand it, didn’t know what to do. Now we can leave each other and I don’t see it in her eyes and I don’t feel the suffocation of the strangle hold. I know our daughter used to feel it from me and it keeps getting less and less. Let it all go I say. Who needs that around the throat? Holy shit. It was so limiting for me. I used to hide the summer camp flyers from my parents from fear of leaving them! So then, I mentioned all this to Jean, and we decided to look at what it was that I felt, that holding back, that iron grip. Of course, I had to let go of more emotions, the pain I felt inside whenever there was that separation, that leaving. It felt good to get it out finally, to see it for what it was and to let it go. And that was the end of the session. But the healing and releasing never stops there.
Post-healing session lessons and releases!
That night, I was with Zara and my Achilles tendon was super hurting. I remembered that I hurt it after my high school graduation, but now I know that I never really hurt it, that there was just stuck emotions stored in it. It was fascinating because it started hurting and I had these flashes of my graduation, all the glamour, all the “look at me”, and all the materialism. I finally realized why I don’t really have any fond memories of my high school grad, it was because it was another way of going against myself and I just internalized it, and it manifested in a sore Achilles that required physiotherapy at the time. And it was hurting last week to let me know that there was more that needed to be let go, 15 years later. I wondered then what I would have done if I had had the choice and it came to me that all I really wanted to do was hang out with my 4 great friends and play pool and video games instead of renting a limo, coordinating with all my friends, drinking cocktails, going out, having a big fancy dress and having to get a date too. It was a wonderful realization. I was so pleased it came up, that I could look back now and see how I went against my true self and how I can listen to my heart now, I don’t have to do things I don’t want to do any more.
I also realized a few days later, that I need to follow my heart more even within our family. I was always waiting for Robbin to wake up in the morning before taking a shower, I was waiting to find time to write on this blog, and now I realize that I have the power, that I don’t need to be a victim, waiting for life to happen for me, I can make it happen. It’s amazing, I had no idea I was playing that game until I went to the healing last week and it opened up my eyes to how I was trapping myself, how I was feeling like I had no power, that I was stuck only being a mom, and that I had to wait for my life to happen outside of the home. Haha, thank goodness for the awareness that healing brings, now I just need to take baby steps, to slowly put myself first, to realize that it is okay to do that, that I can follow my heart even within our small family of three, that I am important and so are my heart’s needs. So today, I made sure Zara was settled and given lots of squeezes and then I jumped in the shower. She can play by herself, it’s okay! I know she can, but I didn’t see what I was doing and now I do. Now I will find time for what I want to do, and I will do it from a clear place instead of from a place of need, but from a place of listening to my heart, and from that place, all will be well. Zara will still know I love her, that I am not pushing her away when I say that I need some mommy time. She will not feel abandoned like I had always feared. I am grateful today. My heart is grateful too, for finally being heard and acknowledged.
Goodnight and much love