In June 2011, I had an amazingly freeing experience with the healer/coach/guide that our family sees. From the note below, which I wrote a few days after, you’ll get a sense of how dire things were, how helpless and stuck I felt, and what I discovered inside that was the cause of the struggle. The note below is one I shared with the parenting group that I was a part of back then.
I have grown and evolved so much since this note! I have moved to a place where I can see that everything that has happened to me is exactly what I have needed to grow to a higher level of awareness and consciousness. Most of the time now, I can actually be grateful that it happened to me, instead of resentful and blaming towards everyone, my parents, myself, the world, etc. I share this post with you so that you get a sense of what was truly under the physical issues for me. I’m not sure if you are suffering with food or with any other physical ailment, but perhaps this will help you to see that there is another way to examine the cause, instead of just with the traditional approach. Please share any thoughts or comments you may have, if you are so called!
June 12, 2011.
I’d like to start off by saying that if you’ve struggled with food issues/sensitivities my heart goes out to you. I had to write this because it has changed my life and my daughter Zara’s life and it seemingly is the most crucial part of the puzzle. Please read on!!
I’ve struggled a fair share over the past year with food sensitivities! At first I thought it was just our daughter, then it turned out to be me too, then I learned about the GAPS diet and how she likely had food sensitivities because my gut wasn’t healthy enough to help hers be healthy. Craziness. I tried elimination diets, the Feingold diet, I lost 40 pounds, felt hopeless, sick and run down and burnt out. I was a mess. I was super happy to be Zara’s mom, to be there for her, to support her as we tried to figure out why food made her hyper and agitated, but I was so sad inside, feeling like I was never supported like that. It was such a dichotomy for me. We tried the GAPS diet with success and just recently in the past month, our daughter Zara started developing new food sensitivities. It just didn’t make sense, GAPS is supposed to heal all. I had this nagging feeling that it was me but I wasn’t sure what to do about it.
I went to an energy healer (she does intuitive energy medicine (reiki, shamanism, universalis), NLP, Wel-Systems, and Journey work) this past Sunday to deal with the food issues that I was having. I grew up with food issues, both my parents have super sensitive digestive systems, so I just assumed I did too. My parents told me directly and indirectly that I was fat, they controlled what I ate, commented on what I ate and made me exercise. So all this to say that I had digestive issues and then mental food issues too. I used to eat in secret, etc. etc.
So when I was with the healer, her name is Jean, she was explaining how I had an unhealthy relationship with food and that I had given up my power to food because of my early experiences and childhood. We worked on some sad memories that came up for me. One very poignant one was of me as a 3 year old girl. I’m not even sure what the memory was, but I kept feeling this incredible sadness, so I was sobbing and finally letting out my sadness and Jean said that it was time for me to bring her home where she belonged, that I had split her off from me and had been carrying her around, this little sad girl, for years and years (I”m 31:) ). She said that she was scared and that I needed to reassure her, so I was bawling and talking to her in my heart and Jean helped me realize what it was she wanted. In my heart/mind (not sure what to call it), I brought her to the store for a whole box of popsicles and then I walked with her to the park and pushed her on the swings and watched her climb and have a lot of fun (I don’t have a ton of fun memories from being a kid). Then I left her in the park (in heaven with the angels and spirits) and then I bawled again and she was gone from me, I let her go. Jean was explaining that I was so protective of Zara because I was always protecting that little one in me, which made so much sense for me.
Then I had memories of being 14 and trying to fit in with my family and watching sports with my dad and brother because that was the only way I could get their attention. ANd I was angry! So in my mind, I became my 14 year old self, and I left the room and went for a bike ride instead and went to buy some candy at the store (all of the letting go involved me getting to choose for once what I wanted and to eat what I wanted). So I went through some other memories of me not being allowed to be responsible for myself, I’ve always felt that my parents didn’t give me enough autonomy, so I had the chance to take back my power from that and let go of some of the beliefs that my parents passed on to me that were not my beliefs and that were in conflict with my heart. I finally let go of my belief that I am fat too, which was so important for me, that has ruled my thoughts for years and years and years.
At the end, I felt beautiful and whole and I did some deep breathing and some stretching movements and I felt my body start to move all around inside, like the negative energy was going out through my feet and that my body was starting to heal itself. I was glowing and happy and I finally felt beautiful and that I actually believed I was beautiful instead of only half knowing it, you know? Then Jean said, Bradlee, I feel like you are ready to face the food now and she said, I’m being called to offer you a dessert (it was baklava!!) and she asked me if I was ready for it. Those of you who have considered the GAPS diet or any restrictive diet for the sake of your children’s food sensitivities can appreciate this!! So I went for it, I had a moment of fear first that we dealt with and then I ate it. She said that my body is healthy and that it was my relationship to food that had compromised everything. She said that the body innately knows what to do with food, that it will take what it needs from food and let the rest pass through. She said that Zara knows this, that she can go off the diet now, but that she’s been doing what we’ve taught her, which for the past year is, no don’t eat that, you can have this instead, which is essentially me re-living the controlling environment in which I grew up, but with love instead, which really doesn’t make it any better. So, I ate it, she gave me a piece to take home to Zara and she gobbled it up. I explained to Zara about the body taking what it needs and letting the rest pass through and she agreed and said she understood (she’s 28 months!) and honestly, we cold-turkeyed off the GAPS diet at that moment on Sunday and we haven’t looked back. We’ve eaten wheat, sugar, cheese, condiments, everything and it’s been okay. She hasn’t had a crazy rash like she had last week, she hasn’t been itchy, she hasn’t been hyper, she’s been her wonderful beautiful self.
I knew in my heart that there was something that I needed to do to heal me and that it would heal Zara. If you would have told me that it would be this, I would never have believed it. I feel beautiful, I love food and I’m not scared of it anymore, I’m not scared of being fat, I am enjoying my food and celebrating my new found freedom and joy because I have taken back my power and I am learning to choose what to believe in and that I don’t have to accept my parents’ beliefs anymore and letting them go the past few days has been tremendous and beautiful. Yesterday I sobbed my face off after Zara fell asleep for a nap because I needed to let go of all the guilt and responsibility I felt over this whole journey. She’s my precious daughter and I was trying so hard to protect her from all my emotional crap and there it was right there the whole time. Thank goodness this part is over.
I just quickly scanned this after finishing and I realized I forgot a part. Here it is: Jean explained to me that Zara never had food sensitivities, the same way I didn’t but my parents passed on their beliefs about food to me and then I passed them on to Zara. She had no choice until I was able to break the pattern and let go, the same way I didn’t have a choice until Sunday. Crazy, eh?
If this speaks to you or is interesting to you, please don’t hesitate to contact me. I know it seems crazy but it’s the truth and I love it. I can’t wait to go to another meetup and share food with everyone and not be scared. What a beautiful day this is!!