The end of living a “falsely perfect” life

I have been striving to live a perfect life for a very long time.  While I am only 36 years old, I feel much older at times because of the weight that this need for perfection has been on my shoulders and heart.

Over the last few weeks I have felt angry.  I have felt angry at myself for pushing down my power and my strength, all in the name of living this falsely perfect life that had no need or want for power or strength. I defined “falsely perfect” as the need to always be nice, to be able to say that “yes, things are great,” whenever asked, to not ever get mad or be “mean, and to have things so perfectly organized and arranged so that I could feel good. What I have started to see is how exhausting this way of living has been for me, as well as limiting and frustrating!

I was lying in bed this morning and I felt myself lifting up inside, like I was being lifted to a higher level of awareness and freedom and potential.  A few hours later, I was seething mad, like I wanted to yell and scream and break things, so when I lay down to rest and breathe, I said, “I surrender this false and limiting way of living.  I surrender the belief that only certain ways of existing are perfect.  I surrender the inner critic and judge.”  I was also feeling what it felt like as I was saying those things, so I was using my feelings as guide about what to do.  It was amazing because it was like all the anger I have felt about forcing myself to live in this falsely perfect was guiding me to free myself.  It was like that part of me rose up and helped me to say, “ENOUGH,” and that gave me the knowledge and strength to free myself from this pretend prison and to welcome back all parts of me.

I saw myself smashing down those prison walls and I felt rising, falling and melting within me, almost like the parts of me that I was surrendering (and the prison walls) were being absorbed, pulled into my heart, bounced around, healed and released to be free.

Ahhhh, deep breath : )

Here I am, an hour after crashing down my prison walls and I felt the need to write about it.  I feel like I have all of this energy within me and it still wants to crash through life and push things out of the way, because it’s been buried down deep within me for so long.  I am so interested and keen to get to know these parts of myself, and get to know their passions and interests and desires!   I feel like I unknowingly buried my strength and power in an attempt to live a “good girl” kind of life, and now all I care about is living authentically and crashing down all the walls of falsehood that exist within me and around me.  I know I won’t physically crash things down, but I think that me and my newfound power and strength will become good friends and that I will have much renewed energy in the coming days, weeks and months as this change settles within me.  I am very excited to see what happens in my life as I meet each new day and each breath with a more integrated and united me.

May we all be blessed with the clarity to see where we have been unknowingly limiting ourselves and with the courage to break down those walls!

 

 

 

Learning to Life Powerfully

For the last six months, a deeper me has been emerging and I have been witnessing a form of my own death.  I feel like I have been swinging back and forth between this hugely powerful me and this little and small version of myself that is now ready to dissolve and make room for the bigger me.

A lot of my writing lately has been about this swing and this emergence and dissolving and it has been deeply healing for me.  I have been putting so much effort into loving the dissolving parts of me and that has been wonderful and amazing, but lately I have been feeling like I needed to take a different course of action, although I wasn’t sure what it was.

This evening, while I was driving to the grocery store, I felt all of the old emotions coming up, like they were dissolving and healing, and then I felt a greater and deeper part of me say, okay, enough, it’s time to focus on the one who is emerging, and not the one who is dissolving.  And that voice within me told me to start writing blog posts about learning to live from this new power that is emerging within me, instead of what is leaving and dissolving.  It’s almost as if the old that is dissolving is already on it’s way out and it knows it is honoured and loved, or else it wouldn’t be leaving!   Neat, eh?

I sometimes feel shy about allowing the emerging one within me to be fully present in my everyday life and now that I’ve made this choice to focus on it, I’m both nervous and excited because I have a feeling that it will take me under its wing and teach me to shine, lead and roar, more than ever before.

I want to give myself permission to:

  • be a motivator, both for myself and for others
  • speak the truth that my being wants to speak, without always trying to fit in or please others.
  • rally people and bring them together in peace and unity and excitement because it is fun to be alive!
  • dance and sing wherever I go and not be scared of the judgement of others.
  • be the full me that I came here to be, without being shy or wondering if it’s okay to be my full and true self.
  • host workshops for learning how to come home to your heart that would include journalling, chanting and dancing.
  • write more and more and more.
  • know that I am worth it, that I matter and that I am very, very capable.
  • love my self so much and to let that radiate out to others.

I know that I am an empathic person who feels very much and that I don’t always need to focus on every little thing that I feel, but that I can focus on this new power emerging within me and let it do the work of living a life!  It’s funny, because this writing feels so freeing, yet so new; it’s really reinforcing that it’s time for me to focus on the power because I’m not as comfortable with that yet, because I have spent so much time comforting my scared little self.

May we all blossom and emerge in our own time and in our own unique way and may we all complement each other’s openings.  May we all be blessed with the courage to be our amazingly powerful selves!

Hourglass of Humanity

Hourglass of Humanity

To the parts of me that are peeling away and who feel unsafe about where the shedding will take them, I love you.

To the parts of me who feel so broken and unravelling and who don’t know where to go or what to do or how to act, I love you.

To the waves of emotions that wash through me, both gently and with full force, I love you.

I am learning to be the observer of all that happens within me and through me and around me, but the ones who are merging, shedding, peeling away and molting are unsure about how to do this.

Is it me I am feeling or just the waves of emotions that all humans feel?

I do think we are connected through our feelings and through our truest and deepest natures. It’s like we’re an hour glass, collectively and individually, and we feel it when the sand moves from one side to the other, kind of like how humanity is moving from living unconsciously to living more consciously, but the hour glass keeps flipping throughout that evolution, so that we can have the ultimate experience of growth, both personally and collectively.

Today, the hour glass has flipped and I am feeling that despair, that pain, fatigue and exhaustion. By writing this though, I feel better.  The hour glass will tip again and I can watch the grains of sand pouring through me, no matter what they bring along with them to be witnessed, observed and loved.

Peace to you and to all.

Note from me: I wrote this nearly two months ago and it helped me to be more patient, loving and understanding with myself as I was flipping back and forth between feeling blissful and lost. I can sense that I will expand on this topic in the near future as I have more insights from going through this!  May it help you! Namaste!!!

 

Oh my dear precious heart

I asked for words to describe what was going on inside of me this morning and the words below are what came to me.  I recognize that although I often wish I had an instruction manual for what is happening inside of me, that the instructions and guidance is all right there, inside of me, just waiting for me to notice.

Namaste,

Bradlee

 

Oh my dear precious heart

Oh my dear precious heart,

I love you.

Help me put words to these feelings,

these sensations of being dragged down into an abyss of despair.

 

I feel the shell cracking open and it is painful.

I know what is waiting for me underneath and

I am doing the best I can in the meantime to

love the one whose shell is cracking,

whose time is up,

the one who is coming up to be loved

before she dissolves back into infinity

to the heart of the universe,

where she can once again merge with the Totality of the One

who is emerging from underneath the shell.

 

Oh dissolving one, I love you.

I feel you in the tightness of my muscles,

in the pathways of fear that you have weaved

through my lymphatic system,

in the cramping around my heart and the

shifting and rewiring in my brain.

 

I feel like my body and I are getting ready for your Exaltation,

the only thing is I don’t know what to do for you or me in the meantime.

 

The pain is so real and I love you.

The exhaustion is so real and I love you.

The tenderness and weakness that comes in waves

is so real and I love you.

The vulnerability that is pressing to be released is very real

and it is who I truly am, a wide open being with a tender loving heart,

who has no secrets, who is unashamed of her feelings

who is compassionate to herself and others, and

who can be authentic

instead of how she is supposed to be.

 

She is emerging and I feel like I am dying.

Oh precious heart, oh precious one who is dying,

I love you both.

 

Please take charge of my death and emergence dear Lord

and please help it to be gentle and full of opportunities for growth for me.

Please continue to guide me from within and without as I

progress through this experience, all while learning how to take better

care of myself, all of me,

all while having a day job, a wonderful family, and a home.

Show me to bow down so very deeply within me and to have the courage

to love and surrender the one who is dying

so that I may emerge

fully as the grace of God in form.

 

Please help me to allow these changes to take place with as much grace and humility as possible.

Please help me to love the one who is dying,

the one who is hanging on to the need to control, to dominate

and to blame.

 

May this experience teach me to love everything in my experience more deeply than ever

before and may my death and rebirth be a gift to all hearts who have and who will be going

through their own version of this experience.

 

May we all allow the light of our souls to emerge fully.

May we all love and nurture the one

we always thought we were,

the one who is dying,

the one who is reuniting with our

One True and Collective Holy Nature.

The beginning of living free from co-dependency

Co-dependent living is the main way I have lived.  What it means is that I have mostly lived based on other people’s experiences of life.  More specifically, if someone I was with was mad, it was hard for me not to be mad.  If someone was feeling dismal about the state of affairs in their life, it was hard for me not to join them.

I remember one instance more than 10 years ago when our group at work moved offices and one of my colleagues was very grumpy and frustrated about all the things that went wrong.  I hadn’t set out to be grumpy, but I remember somehow watching myself grow grumpier and grumpier and there was this awareness in me that was watching me do that, but I didn’t feel like I could choose my own experience.  In a way, I was co-dependent; I was unable to determine and decide how I wanted to approach the situation, I was caught in her reaction, literally feeling choice-less.

It wasn’t until early last week that I started seeing how I could make a choice about how I experienced each situation, instead of only relying on others to show me how I should respond/react/handle a specific circumstance.  Last week, I was with my daughter and I realised that I was getting panicky and overwhelmed and that was my default way of handling the situation.  From within, I somehow stopped, breathed and decided that I could have my own experience of the situation and that the feelings of overwhelm and panic were trying to guide me, to show me that I was outside of my own experience.  They were like signposts.  None of it had anything to do with my daughter, she was acting perfectly fine, but my response showed me that I was outside of myself and that I could come back to me and make my own choices about how to handle the situation.  It was really like an aha moment, where I could see the reality of what was going on and literally take a step back and reclaim my life from my default way of experiencing it.

Through that small realisation and change in relating to the world, things now seem easier.  I somehow found it easier to talk about my opinions and feelings, without being scared, most likely because my well-being was tied up in how others were going to react to a situation any longer.  It was like I gave myself some space and permission to be more me; to know that it was safe to be me and that I didn’t have to gauge my well-being based on how others are experiencing life all around me, but solely based on how well I could stay with myself and inside of my own experience, instead of abandoning myself for the sake of how other people were reacting.

It is funny, because I feel like life has given me a myriad of unique experiences in the past two weeks, almost as a way to nudge me back to myself, so that I could find the peace that could come from having my own experience of life.  Yesterday and today, I literally felt myself going into someone else’s experience (and because I am quite sensitive to energy and feelings, I also felt them coming into me), and I was able to make the decision to come back to me, and make a choice about what was best for me in my experience.  It was so effortless and instinctive!  I really am grateful for life for guiding me here and to all the beautiful people who are playing various roles in my life, helping me to turn around, breathe and to choose me. Through choosing me, I am learning to deeply love myself, so that more of me can emerge and shine through, which is such a gift that I can then share with others in return.

May we all be blessed with the clarity to choose love for ourselves!  May we all be blessed with the courage to have our own experiences and to love ourselves when that isn’t possible.

An Open Letter To All Hearts – a poem

I wrote this poem a year ago and it is feeling more like the right time to share this with others.  I was fortunate to share it recently with a few special people and their feedback encouraged me to share it more openly.  May the words within this open letter find their way right into your heart and may they melt away your limiting beliefs about yourself. May you know you are supremely worthy and beautiful. Love, Bradlee

Pre-amble

This morning I was on the bus and I was so inspired by the number of people on the bus and the myriad of experiences they each must be having as they live their own lives.
I saw a young man run from the back of the bus because he saw a girl near the front of the bus whom he probably really liked, and he stood squished next to her seat for the whole
ride, just so he could talk to her.  I saw another man and woman on the bus who were talking and they looked like they may fall in love and get married in the future
and they were just passing through that awkward stage of getting to know one another.  I saw an older gentlemen wearing a suit jacket and he had his eyes closed and his face was relaxed and smiling.  I saw a young woman quietly reading the Bible. During this ride, I felt an opening in my heart as I watched these beautiful people, living their lives.  My heart filled with love and the following words came to me:

An open letter to all hearts

If only you could know the beauty that you are.
You are so radiant in all that you do and all that you are.
I see you and I love you.
I see you and I see God.

The majesty of your grace is indescribable with words.
The curve of your neck to your shoulders is as smooth and flowing as a river running through the land.
The color of your hair reflects all of the color that the rainbow wouldn’t even dream of reflecting.
The softness of your heart shines around you and melts my own.

May you know the grace that you are, always have been and always will be.
May you sip the sweet nectar within your heart as it nourishes your body,
sparks the creativity in your mind and carries you through life.

May you be blessed to look in the mirror and love yourself.

May you be blessed to honor and appreciate the magnificence that you are,
that I see in you.

May you know you are never alone, that you are loved both from afar
and within.

May you feel the honor it is for our planet to have us here
as she patiently allows us to destroy her, as part of our journey
to discover the beauty that we are, that she is, that all is.

May you dance the dance of joy that is waiting to radiate
out from under your feet, from your arms, your smiling face,
your fluid spine.

May you be filled with the force of life and may it surround you
in it’s warm blanket of comfort and possibilities.

May you rejoice in who you are, no matter what you have been taught
to think about yourself.

May you know you are worth it.

A new beginning

It has been nearly two years since I wrote on this blog.  I was (and still am) undergoing huge changes in my life and I needed a break from putting my thoughts out for others to read.  It was an intensely beautiful time of sharing my thoughts with myself, and starting to feel and know myself from a place of more kindness, instead of always wanting to get to the next healing and next place inside that was broken.

Today is June 24, 2016 and it feels like a remarkable day, like a day for a new beginning, once that has already started, and possibly started way before I was born.  Today, I listened to my heart, that so sweetly and preciously encouraged me to contact my colleagues to see if I could start teaching yoga and breathing and relaxation sessions at work.  I have done similar activities in the past, but this step forward was different.  I felt it rise up from within me, with no regard for judgement from others or fear about what others might think of me.  It was like a deep power rose up from within me, a passionate power that was ready to shine and share its gifts with the world. It was an honour to feel that strength and passion and to fully connect with it and allow it to guide me.  I recently met a part of me that has been shut off from my awareness for what feels like hundreds of years.  It is a part of me that is passionate, vulnerable and willing to be open and fearless.  I wasn’t able to recognize it at all at first, but it spoke to me urgently, asking me to pay attention, to nurture it, to acknowledge it, to welcome it back home into my heart.  I figured that out this past Tuesday and there has been a growing opening within me, where that passion and freedom is taking root and is helping me spread my wings.  It is both awe inspiring and slightly scary, because it has no regard for limitations, fears, or anything that has held me back before.  It is also humbling, because I feel that the timing is so beautiful and that life is holding me so tenderly and preciously so that I can accept the amazing gifts of passion and courage that have been locked away within me, waiting for this very time in my life.

May you know it is safe for you to shine too, just as I am allowing that safety to envelop me during this highly transformational time.  Many blessings of peace, love, courage and faith to you.