Look Up

The other morning on the walk to work, I realized that it really helps me when I look up when I walk.  It helps me get out of the thoughts I’m stuck in, and helps me see the bigger perspective within and around me.  I remembered that this morning and the walk turned into a very profound experience!  I wrote some words that came to me while I was walking and finished it at my desk:)

Look Up              

When I am stuck in the mind while I am walking to work, I look up.

When I look up, the world shows me how much bigger I am than thoughts.

When I look up, the thoughts diminish, and the true beauty and power of the Earth astounds me, stops the thoughts in their tracks, and I breathe.

When I look up, the trees and their tops guide me and lead me with their strength, stability, silence and stillness.

When I look up, I remember who I really am.

When I look up, there is movement in the clouds and light pouring down, and I remember that I am more than I ever could understand or know.

When I look up, I remember that the Earth is my Mother, the Sun is my Father, the Wind is my Brother, and the Water is my Sister.

When I look up, I remember that no matter how disconnected people are from the truth of their being, the planet remembers, and she remembers for us and does what she can to remind us with her beauty, grace and resilience, in the way that children do.  I am reminded that no matter how much we seek to destroy ourselves, others and our planet, Mother Earth is with us, leading the way, showing us the truth, that we and she are indestructible, that on the inside, we are glowing with light, love and power, just as she is in her core, and that we can learn to tap into our core, our light too. 

When I feel myself slipping, I look up, breathe and remember and am grateful for our planet and the beautiful way she reminds me so gently, so peacefully, so gracefully, that I am majestic, just as she is.

Thank you Mother.
The Journey of Tunuri and the Blue Deer by James Endredy helped me remind me of my Earth family.

Giving myself permission

My husband Robbin and I were having a chat yesterday about our dreams from the night before:

  • My dream: Robbin and I were together and he was crying, telling me how much he has missed me
  • Robbin’s dream: The three of us were together as a family and I was trailing behind, not really participating because I was tired and I was ready to go.

We just casually shared about the dreams, then I went into the bathroom to put something away or to finish cleaning it and I yelled over to the kitchen, “you know Robbin, I’ve always been tired, my whole life!!  I’ve always been tired!!”

Our dreams were showing us what we were leaving behind.  I have had a huge two weeks in terms of self awareness and growth.  I have finally come to see how tired I have been and how fearful I have been of being tired and how that cycle of tired and fear has been controlling me for as long as I can remember.  I think the cycle all revolved around keeping me small and safe, because for so long as a child, I didn’t feel like the world was a safe place and I believed that I was really alone.

With the guidance of the coach that our family sees, I have been able to see these cycles of protection, control, fear and fatigue and they’ve come to a place where they were so obvious that I couldn’t deny them any longer.  There they were:

  • I was planning my life around being tired
  • I was always in fear of being tired and getting sick or overwhelmed
  • I was always scared of not being safe enough, being too vulnerable and small
  • I was controlling the environment around me (including my family and friends) to make sure that I could stay safe and keep our four year old daughter safe.

I’d rather be honest with myself and really look at what has been going on so that I can be free of it.  I don’t want to live a limited life anymore, nor do I want to limit my husband and daughter any longer.  I’m really done with that, it’s been so sad, so scary, so limiting and so resentment causing.  I’ve been resenting people around me who are more free and more open to new opportunities, when I’ve always felt trapped in a little box with super thick walls that I created with the illusion of protecting me and keeping me safe.

All of this has come into my awareness in the past few weeks because in my last healing session, I had a memory come up for me about playing hide and seek when I was a kid.  It was a blessing really, because Zara had been playing hide and seek with her friends and I felt really nervous but didn’t really understand it until the memory presented at my session the next day.

In the memory, I was trapped in a big linen chest, and I remember feeling so scared, so trapped, so helpless, and I felt really alone.  It was a fantastic memory to get to, because it was keeping me so small, it kept me looking through the eyes of that young girl who was scared and terrified.  I was finally able to see how I had such trouble letting my daughter play alone with other kids, that I needed her to be within eye sight so I could make sure she was safe.

It was also somewhat devastating to realize the truth of what I was doing.  I thought I was being a “good parent” by watching her.  In my experience though, being a parent and parenting cannot be defined, it’s really about responding to each situation from the heart and getting to the core of any issues and removing those limiting blocks/memories/emotions so you and your child(ren) can be free.

Thanks to those realization and the growing awareness of what I was doing and why, I have come so far in the past week!

  • I gave Zara some space to play with her friends and she was so comfortable, happy and free!  I even heard her say, “Please stop doing that to me, I don’t like it,” or something along those lines!  I checked in with her once and twice and she was totally fine and was having a blast!  Imagine that!! 
  • I planned an activity/outing for each day of the week, and felt fine!  I was tired occasionally, but I was able to see that I was still safe, that I was never alone!  I was able to use the many tools I have learned to renew my energy and to reconnect to myself to feel good, instead of being locked in being tired and scared.

As a result of all of this, I feel like there is more of me here this week, more of me here to share in the joys of life, more of me to share with myself, my husband, my daughter and my friends.  I am giving myself permission to live my life!!

I continue to marvel at how limited I was and how much more free I get with each time that I look within with Jean’s help (the healer/coach/guide our family sees)!  It seems to me that giving myself the go-ahead to have a blast and be free and know that I am always safe is what I came to this planet to play with and explore.  I’m so happy to have such beautiful people around me to share myself with and to share in the joys of life.  May the walls keep crumbling and may my bright shiny soul fly as I continue to see just how big and strong my wings really are.  I think they may even have bright sparkly feathers:)

The Truth About Santa Claus

I just heard today that there is a movement in the United States to change the words of the classic poem/story, The Night Before Christmas.  There is talk of removing the part:

“the stem of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.”

I can understand that we want the best “model” for our children, but I’m wondering if we should take a closer look at the other parts of our lives and what we “teach” about Santa Claus instead:

  • Lots of people smoke, including the parents of the children who all love and adore Santa Claus….
  • When I think of Santa, I never think of him smoking a pipe, I think of him eating cookies, smiling, laughing, putting presents under the tree, flying through the sky, and loving all the children of the world.
  • If we want to make modifications, let’s first start with the lyrics of Christmas songs, “you’d better not cry, you’d better not shout, you’d better not pout…he knows if you’ve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake.”  Why are we using a beautiful holiday season and a jolly beautiful spirit like Santa Claus to program and bribe our children so they’ll be “good”?  What is wrong with crying and yelling sometimes?  We all appreciate a good cry and how great we feel afterwards, and sometimes you need to raise your voice, especially if you are standing up for yourself.  Do we really want to teach our children some more polar opposites like good or bad?  How about we teach them how to be, just be themselves, the perfect beings that they are.  Why not teach them that we will love them no matter how they act, that they are unconditionally and whole-heartedly loved, not just by us, but by Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, by all the beautiful mystical beings who exist as so real and so true in the imaginations of our children.  What happens to us that we can no longer believe….
  • Why not teach children and adults the truth of Santa Claus?   Santa Claus is pure love, pure and simple.  Santa is imaginary or real or both, it is up to you, but just because he is imaginary doesn’t mean that he is any less real.  How many of us remember imaginary friends or guardian angels with us, but then because people told us they can’t possibly be real, we ended up forgetting them.  Is it the same for Santa Claus?  Let’s continue with the magic of Santa, the love that he offers to all of us.  We don’t have to give him up or the love just because we are growing up!  We can keep that love in our hearts, Santa has it for each and every one of us, we just have to believe!  We can add to the beauty of Santa and his love and add some details to the story, like how the parents help him with presents, how he talks to us in our hearts, how we can call on the love of Santa any time we need it, not just in December, that he is the spirit of unconditional love and giving, which lives in all of us, and how we can be like Santa sometimes and drop off gifts and delight in the pleasure of giving, not just receiving.
  • Let’s open up our hearts, let’s not talk about Santa from a place of fear, but from a place of openness and trust and love.  He never has to leave us, so let’s keep his spirit alive within our hearts and continue to believe.  The children always will, it’s only because of the way the Santa story has been spun with all the deception and secrets that lends to such disappointment and feelings of deception.  Why let the magic die?  Let’s keep it alive, that is what life is for, reclaiming the love and magic in all aspects of our lives.

from www.scienceblogs.com


I so vividly remember my own Santa disappointment.  I remember how much I held onto the belief that he was real, but it slowly slipped away because there wasn’t any support for Santa living on past children being 12 years old (I really held on!!).  As I’ve been journeying to my heart over this past year and a half, I have come to remember the truth of Santa Claus and so I share it with you in this post.  We can change the way Christmas is taught, not with big changes, but subtle ones, subtle changes to encourage children to believe in what they know is true, just like how innately all children know and remember God, even just at the mention of God (our daughter walks around singing a song she made up, “everyone remembers God.”).  Santa is real, Santa is love, love never dies nor does Santa.  Whether he has a pipe, a big belly that shakes like a bowl full of jelly, or a big pack slung over his back, he is real!  He is love, and when you connect to yourself as I have been learning to do (and like we all innately know how to do!!), you see it as an absolute truth, Santa is real, he is always in your heart, loving you and encouraging you.  His biggest gift to you isn’t the presents (although that is fun and he needs our support for that part), it’s the love!!  The LOVE!!

I was talking to a 4 year old girl a month or two ago and she was already getting ready for Santa and that she was excited for him to come.  I remember telling her that she doesn’t even need to wait for Christmas, that she can feel Santa and all his love right in her own heart, and that is where he will always be.  It was very sweet and spontaneous and her eyes lit up and when I was leaving she gave me a big hug and a kiss, right on the lips!!  I hadn’t seen her in nearly a year and it made me realize how very lucky I was and how I was on to something.  Santa is real and he is always with us.  The children know this!!

I was at a healing session one time and there was quiet healing music playing and then all of a sudden, very loud Christmas music started playing.  I remember looking up at Jean (the healer/coach that our family sees) and she said, “wow, how about that,” and some other words about how there were others there with us at the session and I knew it right then and there that it was confirmation for me that Santa was real, Santa and Christmas are real, as real as we want them to be, we just have to believe.  I came from such a place of sadness and disbelief of all love and magic, so for that to happen as I was starting to reclaim the love that I am, that we all are, it was magic, there was no doubt.  From that moment on, I didn’t worry what I told my little girl about Santa, because he was real.  I could tell her my experience with the music turning on, I could tell her that he is love and about giving and sharing love and that we can celebrate that love and giving with the spirit of Santa every Christmas.  So no matter how we tell the story (that he tells us what to buy, etc), it is okay, because he is real and he is love.  Have I mentioned that enough?   Tee hee.

I also read a great book about the magic of Santa and how to keep it alive without ever worrying about disappointing your children: http://www.thesantastory.com/ I recommend for those interested in a deception and worry free Santa experience for themselves and their families!



This little light of mine, I’m learning how to let it shine!

Today, right now, I am happy.  I am learning that happiness only comes from inside, that the more I blame the outside world for how I am feeling, the more miserable I will be.  I am learning that the more I can look inside and know that I am perfect, that I am love, that I am beautiful, that I am gentle and kind, then life will be easier and smoother.  I have been so blessed to have so many positive influences in my life lately that have helped show me the way to shine my light and to live from my love and my heart!

My last appointment with the healer and guide our family sees was really pivotal for me.  It helped me to see how closed off I still was, how I was still in protection mode and when you are in that mode, you are living in fear and the world becomes scary and then (at least for me), the blame and anger and resentment come and take over.  When you can live from your heart, from your love, from your light, you are open, you are receptive, you feel what goes on around you and it passes through, washes right over you.  I was slightly reeling, okay not slightly but very reeling after that session. I started to see how and where I was closed off and how that was causing me to be so outwardly blaming, when really what I was doing was feeling vulnerable and small and thinking I needed to protect myself (and my young daughter) from being hurt and feeling rejected.  I am learning that I create my experiences of life and that I can spend time giving up my power to thoughts, but that they will always be there, pulling me away from my heart or that I can consciously choose my heart over those thoughts.

I recently found a new self-awareness program called 2baware (www.2baware.net).  I came across it when a fellow WordPress user liked one of my posts, so I went to his blog and was astounded!  It is super exciting to meet someone else (I am meeting more and more!) who is committed to living a life of fun, of love and of moving away from fear.  I had the privilege of trying out the workshop he created as one of the followers of his blog (www.idolanuel.com) and I am super duper enjoying it.  It is a 20 day program of self-awareness, that is carried out in this awesome fantasy land and you get to be the main character in it.  It has given me so much guidance for looking within, for seeing where I outwardly place blame for my experiences, what I am truly scared of and finding the root of that fear, learning what stories I tell myself and how those limit me in my life and helping me to look at a situation both objectively (I dropped my cup of coffee) and subjectively (I dropped my cup of coffee again, I’m such an idiot, no wonder I can never do anything, and what that really means is that I’m scared no one loves me and I’m worthless).  I have so benefited from the objective/subjective exercise!  Yesterday I totally panicked because a man was talking to my daughter at the grocery store when I couldn’t be around her.  I was feeling like she was threatened and that I couldn’t do anything because I was trying to pay and pack the groceries and I was totally panicking, it was amazing.  I was inside, watching myself, saying to myself, “wow you are really freaking out,” but I didn’t feel like I could stop it.  I talked to her about it afterwards and I asked her if she was comfortable and she said yes. I told her that she can walk away from anyone if she is uncomfortable and she agreed. I asked her why she had looked uncomfortable and then it dawned on me and I said, “were you uncomfortable because you could feel how much I was trying to protect you,” and she said yes.  I was floored.  Here was another situation where I was stuck in protection mode. I was grateful to have seen it, then I did the 2baware exercise and I looked at it objectively and I laughed, “A man talked to my daughter at the grocery store.”  And then I wrote what I was really feeling and I could see how it was a program, a story, and how it started running the moment that incident happened.   I was so grateful to be able to see it, uncomfortable to see what has been running my show for ages, but excited at the same time.  There is sometimes that moment of discomfort as I look deep inside and get honest with myself, sometimes I want to run and hide more, but thankfully my desire to be the true me, to live my true life, prevails and I go in deep and take a look.  I’d rather do that than be running these useless subconcious programs.

I’m gave the  super abridged version of 2baware, but what it comes down to is that it is a brilliant program that has already benefited me tremendously and I’m just on day 8.  I am super grateful to have found this workshop when I so really needed it.  It was quite divine timing actually and I know it is a true gift.  I look forward to more transformations and shifts as I continue for the 20 days.  Thank you Ido.  If you are looking for a guided and cool way to become more aware, I highly recommend it.

I’ve also started doing Kundalini yoga.  I went to the Radiant Child Yoga (www.childrensyoga.com) teacher training in July for my kids class Playing From The Heart: Kids Connect (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com) and I learned Radiant Child Yoga with the founder and creator, Shakta Kaur Khalsa. She is a beautiful and radiant woman, who taught us with all of her experience and creativity and she taught us Kundalini yoga for ourselves at the same time.

The definition of Kundalini yoga from Wikipedia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kundalini_yoga):

Kundalini yoga is a physical, mental and spiritual discipline for developing strength, awareness, character, and consciousness. Practitioners call Kundalini yoga the yoga of awareness because it focuses primarily on practices that expand sensory awareness and intuition in order to raise individual consciousness and merge it with the Infinite consciousness of God.

I have felt a huge difference in my body and in my awareness both during and after doing this yoga. I’ve been using Shakta’s book: http://www.amazon.ca/Whole-Way-Library-Kundalini-Yoga/dp/0789467704/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1344803015&sr=8-2 and I’m really enjoying it.  It is very well laid out and explained, even for a beginner person like me.  I’ve done yoga in the past, but not this kind and not regularly.  I actually feel a difference in my body, I feel the energy moving through, I feel the tingling, I feel more grounded and more aware and I feel stronger and more limber.  I am super excited to have found this and to have committed (and with family discussions!) to find time during the week for me to wake up and start the day by connecting to myself and to the greater of life outside me and within me.

I know this yoga works, but I had confirmation the other day when I did the yoga kriya (yoga set) for “The Essence of Self” and a few minutes later, my 3 year old daughter Zara said, “oh there, now there is more light in our house (she meant light like our inner light and radiance),” and I asked her why and she said, “it’s your light mommy, it’s shining out now and it’s all around the house.”  Do you need any more confirmation than that?

Thank you to the universe, for bringing me what I need and the people I’ve needed to continue on this beautiful path of self-awareness, of finding my inner truth and living my true life, instead of that one of fear and hiding that I was trapped in for 31 years.  Thank you to everyone who has supported me and loved me, even when I was so scared and so trapped and hiding and locked in fear.  With much love and many blessings!!


You know, I used to have to drink in nightclubs to dance, to really dance, to let my body move to the music, to feel good moving the way I wanted, to not feel shy.  This morning, however, I am in my house, cleaning, dancing all over, singing loudly and it feels really good.  I am soooo pleased that I am here, that I have done work on my inner me, to let go of the stuff that wasn’t me, so that I could be free, to dance, to know that I am not dirty, I am not a “sl^t”, that I am in this body to enjoy it, to move it, to see what it can do, for me to express myself through this body.  It feels good!  Do you know that place?  Do you feel comfortable moving your body in new ways?  Do you feel comfortable shaking your hips, your chest, your bum, every part and to really enjoy yourself!  If you do, then congratulations, I am sooo happy to join you!  If you don’t, it’s alright, it’s all in there.  I wonder if that’s why pole dancing has become popular, because people need others to give themselves permission to dance the way they really want?  It’s awesome that pole dancing exists, I have never tried it, but maybe I will now.  Maybe I will give myself permission to dance wildly with a pole!  Why not!  Really, that’s the question?  Why not?  So to all the dancers out there, it is all of you (even if you don’t know it yet!!), I say, play your favorite songs and take a moment or two today to DANCE!  With your kids if you have them, or with your family, or by yourself, it doesn’t matter!  Look at yourself in the mirror, see what a marvel you are, see how your eyes shine when you are free and having a blast!  This is to all of us, let’s have an awesome time and dance!!

This is me quite a few years ago at my beautiful friend Steph’s wedding! I needed to drink then and I honor that I needed that then and that I can now dance freely, even outside at concerts and at Groove Method (www.thegroovemethod.com) dance/exercise classes. It is so much more free!!

Let’s eat treats!!

The easier version of sheep cupcakes than the original martha stewart one we copied!

Let us eat treats, I say!!

It was Zara’s 3rd birthday last week and we made sheep cupcakes!  The year before, when Zara turned 2, we were on such a restricted diet (GAPS diet, for those familiar with it and food issues) and I had to make her a cake made with sunflower seeds and honey and eggs.  This year, we went all out since we are free of food issues (please see My Healings, My food healing if you want the details!)!  We followed the recipe in the cupcake cookbook I have from Martha Stewart, but since we don’t have an icing piper thing, we did it our own way, with a tooth pick, tee hee!  Since Loblaws didn’t have white marshmallows, we used the rainbow ones!

All of that aside, it was such a joy for me to say to Zara, “what kind of treat do you want to eat for your birthday?” and I handed her the cupcake book and she could choose whatever she wanted.  It was my pleasure to make it.  And it was our pleasure to eat them, enjoy them, savour them and relish in the fact that we live in a house where food is enjoyed, it is not consumed with guilt, with anger, with shoving down emotions as a purpose, we don’t eat with shame, we eat with love in our hearts.  Was it like that for me a year ago?  No.  Is it now, YESSSSSS!!  I had no idea how much guilt and crap there is in our world about eating desserts and I had no idea how much hate I had in my heart for myself and my body and how it affected my relationship with food.

Now, I say again, let’s eat treats!  Let’s look at how we feel, what we think when we eat desserts.  What comes up?  Is it okay for you to eat lots of cupcakes, or does the guilt creep in? Do you do the math about calories and calculate how much gym time you should spend after eating dessert?  Do you know that your body can take in what it needs and let the rest pass through, really and truly?  Do you really know it, feel it in your bones?  If not, it’s okay, it’s all possible.  I just wrote about that the other day in my blog post about Things I’ve Learned, check it out, there is so much we need to know about our bodies, about it’s innate ability to heal, to take it in, pass through the rest, so much.  I’m only know learning it and it’s such a gift.

So let’s eat the treats, from a clear place, from a place of enjoyment, of celebration, because we can, we can throw away the rules, the societal expectations of guilt and calorie counting, let’s just eat and be merry.  Have your piece of chocolate cake, and then go about your day.  And don’t go hiding the desserts or the chips so you can’t see them because you can’t control yourself.  Who said you can’t listen to your body, who said you are a depraved fiend who can’t stop eating?  Eat the cake, listen to your body, put it back on the shelf or in the fridge when you feel like you’ve had enough.

I’ll leave you with this amazingly hilarious video of a pig who just wants a cookie, but someone put them up on the fridge where he can’t reach them and he tries a zillion ways to get them. Let’s laugh at this and also see it’s truth, the truth of the “I don’t deserve this cookie, it’ll make me fat, etc, etc” that underlies most people’s dessert eating.  http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=FrTbnczYAd4&feature=player_embedded

Eat treats and be merry.  I know that I finally can and do.