What is loneliness but a word? A word we give so much of ourselves to….
What if we are really only lonely for ourselves?
What is important to you? What makes you feel happy, uncomfortable, angry and sad?
By asking ourselves these questions and any number of deep questions, we get to know ourselves and we stop looking for answers in society, in a role we have or play, in a job, an income, from our conditioning, from others, from our so-called social status or even our Facebook status.
Is it possible to get our own attention? Is it possible that everything other than our deepest selves are distracting us, almost like a gift, so that we can learn to go to our own “store” within, to explore, look for “deals” and find out our real status?
That is the gift in all of the busyness of our North American society and what it values; the distractions can be so numerous that we can have no choice but to find shelter within, only to discover a whole world of magnificence that has been quietly waiting for us. It’s called You, it’s called Me, it’s called Us.
If we are with ourselves and we spend time tending the gardens of our own hearts, bodies, minds and spirits then what is loneliness but a word…because ultimately wherever we each go, we are there. Maybe, individually and collectively, we can learn for each of us to be all we each need…to be enough…to be the answer and companion we have been seeking all along.
May all loneliness be lifted up to Heaven to be healed, resolved and transformed, lovingly and gently, for the well-being of all hearts.
I feel like I have been given a second chance at life, like I’ve been reborn. It’s like I’ve taken off the glasses that I used to wear, which filtered everything I saw through the eyes of a victim, sadness, grief and loneliness. It’s like living on a new planet and I sometimes find myself reeling from it, sometimes smelling flowers and really noticing how beautiful they are, dancing in the kitchen or sharing time with people whom I used to hide many aspects of myself from and now laughing and loving together. Sometimes I wonder if someone is going to come and tell me that I have to put those old metaphorical glasses back on because this can’t be possible or true. I know that it’s not possible for me to put those old glasses on because no part of me wants to, I am really enjoying getting to know who I really am and getting to experience my life, instead of just waiting for it to happen or just watching it go by.
I’ve been working with an amazing coach/guide in Ottawa (Jean Brazeau), who has been helping me get to the deepest darkest parts inside where I’ve hidden all that hate, sadness, despair, rage and sorrow, and clearing it out to make more room for my true self. I’m learning that this is the journey my soul chose before I even came to Earth, that I chose all of these circumstances to help me experience life and to help me experience the truth of who I am (kind of like The Little Soul and The Sun, a children’s story by Neale Donald Walsch). I had one session where I went back to talk with my soul before it even came into my body, and my soul was excited and jumping up and down. When I asked my soul what my life purpose was, it told me it was to be the joy, pure and simple. So now, I’m on this new path and am starting to see that the more I let go instead of hold on, the more joy I feel and the lighter I feel! I do feel like jumping up and down sometimes with the releases and the new, lighter feelings inside, and sometimes I come home from a session with my arms in the air, chanting and jumping and exclaiming with joy and it’s a wonderful turnaround for me.
It’s been an awesome trip, especially as I learn the old patterns of judging others, protecting myself, forcing my way through life, hiding from myself, hating myself, and feeling so lost and wanting to know the way out but feeling stuck and trapped. It’s been exceptionally liberating to see these patterns and ways of relating to others and to be taking more and more steps to be free of it and to choose a new way of relating to the world and to myself.
I am starting to:
engage with people from my heart, instead of from hiding and fear
trust that I am loved and that I am love
know that I am the Creator of my experiences and that there is much support available to me (to all of us)
see that other people can serve as a mirror for me
realize that the beauty of life is right there inside of me and that I can connect to myself and feel that joy and bliss that exists within me and to shine and love myself and others
free myself from that victim role and walk on this new unknown path and know and trust that this is the path that I was always trying to find and it was right here within me, gently calling to me (and now loudly calling to me!!)
finally forgive myself for “all the things I did wrong”, the people whom I’ve hurt (consciously and unconsciously), and for not, not, not, not….etc.
forgive myself and step forward, to learn and try again, to know that I have the choice, I can wallow or learn and try again.
choose being free instead of hiding
choose love not fear.
Thank you to everyone who has been with me on this journey. Thank you for showing me the way to myself, thank you for highlighting that which I did not see or want to see within me, thank you for helping me shatter the old limiting beliefs I carried inside of me, thank you for helping me to see me as I really am and for helping me take off the glasses. Thank you for your love and support.
Last week, I noticed that my breasts were swollen, painful and lumpy. It was quite unusual for them to be like that, so I paid attention. I did my best to relax and breathe deeply and send my inner attention (consciousness/awareness) to release any blockages within them. It worked temporarily, but there they were, in that unusual state, sore and uncomfortable.
A few days later, I realized that my breasts were mourning. My breasts, and likely the breasts of many women in the world, were mourning what is happening to other breasts in the world. I am not familiar with breast cancer statistics, yet I do know that many women are faced with challenging decisions about their breasts and cancer. I feel like my breasts are tuned in to the fear that is around the planet at this time as more women are determining whether they have the breast cancer gene, especially as more information is widely available about it and more people (including Angelina Jolie) are sharing their stories of choosing to have mastectomies to eliminate any possibility of cancer. I feel like my breasts were uniting with women everywhere, tuning in to women, letting women know that we are all together, that we can unite instead of fight, that our breasts are a part of our bodies, a representation of what makes us female in these bodies and that it is like a mourning to have to remove them because of cancer. We all feel that sadness together.
I feel like our breasts, as women everywhere, are trying to tell us something with the high incidence of breast cancer. Are there parts of our female nature that we are having to deny? Are there parts of our female nature that have been lost? What are the reasons, beyond medical ones, that men and women are having to remove parts of their bodies that identify their bodies as male or female?
As time goes on, I trust that these answers will come forward, as we open to new possibilities for our health, for our bodies, for our breasts and for our well being. I trust that women will start to understand just how united we are and that the answers are likely within us, waiting to be revealed. The book Biology of Belief by Dr. Bruce Lipton is a beautiful place to start to understand a whole other side of genetics, called epigenetics, which discusses the factors within us, including the environment within our bodies and what creates the environment, that determine if a gene will be expressed (whether the code in the gene will be utilized by the body).
For now, my love is with the women of the world who are facing very challenging circumstances and who may feel choiceless about their health. May women unite in love and in power and may we soon learn a deeper truth of what is really going on with our breasts.
The other day I looked out the window and I saw a group of birds all flying together. They were graceful, they were beautiful and they were free! They were silent, they weren’t bumping into each other and they flew together seemingly without any effort. I remember reading quite a few years ago that scientists have been trying to understand how fish swim in schools and how there are swarms of insects that swirl and dance together. They were hoping to learn about how they do that so that humans could benefit. I remember thinking that it would be cool to understand that.
As I looked out of my window the other day, I finally understood it. I understood how they fly together, how they swim together, and how they dance and move together with grace and ease without talking. I am sure there are others who already have this figured out, but it was an exciting moment for me! What I realized and deeply understood is that we are all the same, we are all one, we are all consciousness (awareness), even rocks, trees, insects, birds, reptiles and other mammals. We are all the same. I’ve read it before from Eckhart Tolle in the Power of Now and from his Weekly Present Moment Reminders, such as this one:
“When you are present you can sense the spirit, the one consciousness in every creature and love it as yourself.”
The healer/teacher that I see regularly has also been teaching me that we are all particles of consciousness and that our particles dance all around us and through and with other people, because we truly are one. It seemed absurd at first, but as I continue to grow and my level of consciousness increases, more and more about consciousness and spirituality makes sense, and I’m sure I will continue to understand it at an even deeper level. I was provided with a few opportunities lately to understand how consciousness works, which is what lead me to finally get it when I saw the birds flying.
Here are some examples:
I was in the shower and I suddenly thought, “Oh, I never did order that Arbonne product from my friend Dionne, maybe I should do that. Hmm, maybe I should host an Arbonne party, ya, maybe I’ll contact her.” The next day, I get a call from Dionne asking me if I could host an Arbonne party.
I was also in the shower and I thought to myself, “Hmmm, maybe I should buy some Fly Like A Butterfly books from Shakta (who is the founder of Radiant Child Yoga, where I did the first part of my training). Hmm, I wonder if that would be worth it for me?” And then I left it at that. A day later, I got an email from Radiant Child Yoga and they were offering wholesale discounts on their yoga materials to support yoga teachers.
I was walking in the woods with my daughter on a chilly day in February. At one point along our walk, I got apprehensive and I had this huge feeling that we should turn around. I stopped, asked my daughter if she needed to go home and she didn’t, so I breathed a bit, looked around and felt like I wanted to continue walking. I kept feeling like my husband’s grandmother was worried about us. I finally decided to go back since we were close to the end of the nature trail and I told my daughter that I was feeling like grandma was worrying about us, and I think I broke energy with grandma. I can’t quite remember the details. We got back to grandma’s house and I asked my husband if grandma had been worried and he said that they were chatting about how they had seen coyotes in the woods a few days earlier and our grandparents were very worried about us being out. I didn’t even have to be in the house or close by to feel those fears instantly!
These recent experiences combined to help me to see just how linked we are as people, just as the birds and fish are! It gave me hope that humanity will eventually learn to use that connectedness so that we can dance together like the birds in the sky, instead of grinding up against each other spreading fear and negativity.
I am fresh from a wonderful healing session where I got down deep into the rejection fears I have had in this life, which have often left me in a serious protection/hiding mode. I admitted that it is so hard even now to call someone to find out if they want to get together and it was so funny to hear those words coming out of my mouth, words that do not even make any sense any longer with where I have been going, to the light, to the love. I have found that the more I go inside, to the deeper places that have haunted me so terribly, the more I realize that those fears, emotions and memories were never who I was in the first place. I’m finding it less scary and intimidating to face what I have previously repressed and shut down, because I know now that they are not real, that they are just there to show me how I covered my true self up, and that I’m still there under them, waiting to come out to shine again.
The healer and guide that I see was encouraging me to put myself in an imaginary coliseum of sorts, where everyone who has ever rejected me can come rushing out at me, ready to hurt me again (the idea behind this is that you totally surrender to the emotion and let it have you so you can be free from it, I’ve done this in other sessions with remarkable success!!). She was asking me to call out their names as they were coming towards me and it was amazing because she was calling out some names too of people I hadn’t even really considered as rejecting me, but from this fresh perspective, I could see how terrified I had been of what they may have said to me. It was a wonderful experience, feeling them all come, and knowing deep down now that no matter what happens to me, what any one says to me to try to hurt me, it will truly not affect me. I felt them rushing at me, but it was like they were melting by the time they got close to me, I was just a bright light that nothing could extinguish. I said that out loud and she helped me to see that all the work we had done together in that session leading up to that had already dissolved the power that I had given other people, the power to hurt me, so I was free and she had wanted me to feel that with that exercise. It was truly awe inspiring to be free of that, after so many memories of being terrified of being pushed away, of not being good enough, like there was something so wrong with me that people wouldn’t want me around.
Jean, the guide, was encouraging me to let in the light, to fill in all the places that the rejection had taken up in my body and in my heart, and to shine as me even brighter. As she was saying that, she stroked my hair at the top of my forehead, so gently, so tenderly, to love me and encourage me. It was the most tender and beautiful touch I had ever experienced at that moment and it made me so incredibly glad for the journey I have gone on in my life, so that I could step in to myself and be my true self and love my daughter the way I want to, without all the internal suffering going on that was limiting how I could be her parent. It made me remember all the times I have touched my own daughter like that, and all the yearnings I felt as a child to be held super close and stroked gently. I know I must have been held that way, but the memories must have been buried under the rejection fears I had. So, I said to Jean, “I’m so happy that Zara (my daughter) will remember and know what it feels like to be touched this way,” and I was crying as I was saying it and Jean said, “Zara will know who her mother really is.” I stopped, smiled and knew it as a truth, that Zara will know me not as being the emotions that used to run my life, but she will know me as me, as the love that I am (that we all are at our core, but we all get buried up and covered up by life, unless we are supported in staying as the love and learning how to be in the world without becoming the world). That is what I appreciate and value the most about Jean’s teachings, it’s not that we are all different, it’s not that we are the emotions and life situations and roles and beliefs and thoughts that we think we are, it’s really that we are all the same, we are all love, and we all have the abilities to shine and to genuinely love ourselves, know ourselves and honor ourselves, and from there, life becomes more fun, easier and so much more free, caring and loving.
Here is what I’ve learned about who I am and what my daughter has seen me move through in the past 20 months of healing sessions:
I am the light. Any thought, emotion, memory I have that is not loving or kind, is not who I am
I can help my body heal and regenerate physically as I let go of the stuff hidden inside (I have gone through some remarkable physical changes, that is for another post:)
There is an incredible and beautiful essence in my body and it lights up my body, it is my soul, my light, my love and that is my truth, it is me and I can feel it coursing through my body and I can use that feeling to connect with myself any time I feel lost in thoughts, in emotions or lost and scattered out in the world.
I can connect to myself and feel my light and amplify it around my body and throughout a room and cause a shift in the energy around me because I’m expanding the love I have inside around me so that I walk in light (and others experience it too) and not have to take on the panic, anger and despair that might be hanging around at the grocery store or otherwise.
I am learning that I love working with families to help them connect to themselves through creative movement, yoga, songs, games, crafts, stories and more, and that my heart sings when I am in a room full of children who learn that they can shift the energy in a room just by putting their hands on their hearts and feeling it beating and learning how to connect to themselves! (www.playingfromtheheartkidsconnect.com is where I describe more about the classes, and the training I’ve had and the tools I use, etc!)
I am not alone and I never was (none of us are). I can ask the universe and angels for help and I will receive it (and she does the same, honestly, to be at this place where I can feel scared and ask an angel to help me and actually feel the difference, the peace in my body, it is such a blessing after feeling for 32 years that I was completely alone in this world and so lost).
I’m sure the list can go on, but it would be more like, here are things I used to think about myself and now I don’t and I think that is a whole other post. If there was a self defeating thought or belief out there, I definitely had it, held onto it and made it who I was. I was a victim to everything, it was a role I am very familiar with and may even have won an Oscar for:)
I am so grateful for the opportunity to turn my life around and to live from my heart instead of despair. May we all get the chance to know ourselves as we really as and watch the magic unfold as we get to experience life, not through the eyes of the hurt, but from the love, and from the possibilities, and may we all remember that we are all the same, beautiful souls on different journeys, giving each other the different experiences we couldn’t experience unless we were here on Earth, ready for the ride.
Imagine if we all heard our parents singing this song to us when we were little,
“It’s a joy to get to know you, it’s a joy to get to know you and I really am liking to
share in your world. When your love is deep and quiet, I can hear you so clearly,
you’re calling forever to share in your world.”
The first time I heard that song, I was so excited! It’s how I feel about my daughter, it’s how all of us want to experience our childhood with our parents, but how many of us even felt appreciated, loved, welcomed or valued?
I encourage any one who loves their child(ren) deeply (or themselves too!) to consider listening to this song by Shaina Noll. It is from her CD, Songs For The Inner Child. Her songs are deeply comforting, deeply healing and beautiful.
Our three year old daughter said to me yesterday, “I think we should listen to this music more often!” Of course! Why wouldn’t we!! I sang “It’s a Joy to Get to Know You” to her last night as she was going to sleep and she sang it with me. I’m not sure life can be more precious than that. I am so deeply grateful for this parenting experience, for learning how to be myself again, for opening up my heart and letting life in more deeply, for the full journey and experience it is meant to be.
Please see this link from Shaina’s website for a video of this song that was made by one of her fans:
I have lived in this crazy pattern of living, then hiding, living, then hiding for as long as I can remember. It has been such a heavy pattern to live from, the guilt from hiding, the wonder if anyone is going to care enough to notice that I’m “hiding”, the feeling of the absence of me and what that must feel like for the people around me. All in all, heaviness and density, just dragging down yuck!
Now the exciting part!!! Wohoo!! As I’ve started reclaiming my life and getting to the core of these life long patterns, and as a result, I have the clarity to see how the pattern started and to choose differently. It also have given me the freedom to choose differently because the weight of the initial reason for the pattern has been released and cleansed. So the other day, I was told by our family’s healer/coach/guide some things about how I can support my daughter in her young life and how I can support myself as well. It was beautiful advice, given from the heart, neutrally and with every intent of support and love, I felt it in my whole being. I was excited because it made so much sense and I knew I could do it. By the time I got home and chatted with the repairmen who were working on our house, my mind totally took over and told me with all these poisonous thoughts:
-you are responsible for your whole family and look how you are ruining them,
-you can’t do this, you need time away, you need to run, get out of here, go away, far
-hide and hide, deeper and deeper, you don’t even want to be here.
I was aware of myself drowning in those thoughts, I knew they didn’t make any sense, but for some reason I felt powerless. I knew that I had likely absorbed some energy from the repairmen (this happens to all of us!), so I cried it out, I broke energy with them and yet I was hidden inside and frustrated and angry. It was amazing to me, it is pretty rare that I get “taken down” so hard any more. But it had to happen so I could stop the pattern myself I think. I had some quiet time to myself in the evening and I knew deep down that I could take care of myself, that I could connect to myself and shine my light through that darkness, but it was hard!! I’m learning that I have all the tools within and the support within and around me, that all I need to do is ask and it will come. I had a feeling though that there was something external that night that was going to help, so I trusted that. I found this video and it was exactly what I needed to help me take back my power from poisonous, suffocating thoughts:
How can I eliminate judgment and an explanation of anger: http://www.williamlinville.com/videojudgmentanger.html
I learned (again!!!) that the mind is always going to try to keep itself in power, in control, just as it has for most of our lives. I’ve been learning to thank my mind, to live from my heart and to use my mind as a tool instead of letting it manipulate me and control me (it used to tell me to eat to stay safe, etc, etc). It was a simple video that gave me back me power and I have a sense that it was a significant step for me in reclaiming myself. Learning to say to the mind, “Oh ya, you think so, eh? You think that I am ruining my family? Prove it and then we’ll see,” and of course, there is rarely any proof, especially not with those thoughts I was experiencing the other night, it is the exact opposite in fact:)
So I invite you to try the same! I don’t think that it is only as simple as this but it is a part of the puzzle of unravelling the layers we’ve buried ourselves under and starting to shine again.