My breasts have been mourning

Last week, I noticed that my breasts were swollen, painful and lumpy.  It was quite unusual for them to be like that, so I paid attention.  I did my best to relax and breathe deeply and send my inner attention (consciousness/awareness) to release any blockages within them.  It worked temporarily, but there they were, in that unusual state, sore and uncomfortable.

A few days later, I realized that my breasts were mourning.  My breasts, and likely the breasts of many women in the world, were mourning what is happening to other breasts in the world.  I am not familiar with breast cancer statistics, yet I do know that many women are faced with challenging decisions about their breasts and cancer.  I feel like my breasts are tuned in to the fear that is around the planet at this time as more women are determining whether they have the breast cancer gene, especially as more information is widely available about it and more people (including Angelina Jolie) are sharing their stories of choosing to have mastectomies to eliminate any possibility of cancer.  I feel like my breasts were uniting with women everywhere, tuning in to women, letting women know that we are all together, that we can unite instead of fight, that our breasts are a part of our bodies, a representation of what makes us female in these bodies and that it is like a mourning to have to remove them because of cancer.  We all feel that sadness together.

I feel like our breasts, as women everywhere, are trying to tell us something with the high incidence of breast cancer.  Are there parts of our female nature that we are having to deny?  Are there parts of our female nature that have been lost?  What are the reasons, beyond medical ones, that men and women are having to remove parts of their bodies that identify their bodies as male or female?

As time goes on, I trust that these answers will come forward, as we open to new possibilities for our health, for our bodies, for our breasts and for our well being.  I trust that women will start to understand just how united we are and that the answers are likely within us, waiting to be revealed.   The book Biology of Belief by Dr. Bruce Lipton is a beautiful place to start to understand a whole other side of genetics, called epigenetics, which discusses the factors within us, including the environment within our bodies and what creates the environment, that determine if a gene will be expressed (whether the code in the gene will be utilized by the body).

For now, my love is with the women of the world who are facing very challenging circumstances and who may feel choiceless about their health.  May women unite in love and in power and may we soon learn a deeper truth of what is really going on with our breasts.

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Energy and Harry Potter

Since I’ve started learning more about energy and actually understanding it, it seems as though there were always so many references to energy in my daily life that I completely missed.  I remember reading the Celestine Prophecy about 7 years ago and I was mesmerized by it, but I wasn’t yet at a point where I could live it and understand it.  I’m grateful to be at a point where energy makes sense to me now!  I will share some more below.

I’ve written in this blog about how the movie The Matrix has many parallels to my life and how the energy work I’ve been doing makes me feel like Neo from the movie!  I’ve always felt like a victim to all the circumstances in my life, I would see the hurt coming at me and I would take it all in and I would suffer.  I am laughing while writing this, it seems so dramatic, but it’s honestly true.  I now see those some bullets and hurts coming towards me, and it really is like The Matrix where Neo dodges the bullets, I see it coming, I bat it out of the way or I shift my body and it goes right past. I’ve cleared out so many emotions, memories and stuck energy that those “bullets” coming at me don’t seem to have the same magnetic charge.

I also sometimes feel like I was given the choice a year and a half ago to take a red or blue pill like in the movie The Matrix.  It was like life said to me, “you are suffering, you are unwell, your health and your life are at their lowest points (I was at the bottom of the pit so to speak), and you have a choice. You can continue in unconsciousness and take the red pill, or you can choose to awaken, you can choose a conscious life, and you can take the blue pill and learn the truth of all that is.”  I chose that blue pill and I haven’t looked back since.  I’ve been learning more about consciousness (awareness), about energy, about God, about life, about my heart, about love and it’s been super eye opening, beautiful and wonderful and challenging.  I’ll never go back to the way I was, I simply am no longer that person, I will never be that way again, I am opening my heart, I am letting the love in and I am letting it shine out and I will continue to learn the truth of all that is until I am fully living from as the light and am having an eternal blast!

So now to a little energy lesson.  We are all made up of energy, we all feel energy, whether we know it or not.  We’ve all felt heavy after interacting with someone who complains or who dumps all their life’s garbage on us.  We’ve all adopted other people’s mannerisms and just laughed it off (myself included).  We’ve all lived in a movie or in the book we’re reading and we’ve gotten a little off track in our own lives because we’re partially still in the movie or book.  I have cried reading Winnie the Pooh to our daughter because Christopher Robbin has grown up and he knows he won’t come back as often to his beloved toys.  I jumped right into that story and lived as Christopher Robin and I felt the remorse and the confusion that the author put into that story from his own life, likely from watching his son growing up.  It was intense. I ended up thinking it was my own story I was mourning, about how I grew up and watched everyone becoming more distant with each other, becoming more mean, more competitive, but really I was living as Christopher Robin, no doubt to me.

Here is another example.  I was recently talking on the phone with someone who was going through a hard time.  Within minutes of hanging up, I was lost, confused, anxious.  I didn’t quite realize what was going on, I was rude to my husband, I felt like running away, hiding and throwing things all at once.  I felt like I was off balance and wrong, but it didn’t quite clue into me what had happened.  I excused myself and went and breathed and connected to myself more deeply and I felt better, but it only lasted for a few minutes.  I was overtaken with desperate thoughts like, “leave me alone, I can’t do this any more, I’m so responsible for you, I can’t take it, I want to crawl into a hole and hide.”  I had just had an energy healing session and had released some similar emotions, so I thought it was just more releasing, so I breathed and tried to let it release.  The short version of this is that I struggled for about an hour, wanting to hide from my family, wanting to run away, before I lay down again and said to myself, “what is this, can someone help me out please?”  I got a picture in my mind of the person with whom I had chatted and I laughed.  “Ohhhhhh” I said to myself!  I commanded their energy to leave my body and I broke energy with them.

We are kind of like magnets with our energy, we attract what we carry in our own bodies, so because it was releasing from me (and there is likely more deeper down), I grabbed onto the other person’s energy (or it grabbed me) and it held fast.  I broke the connection between the magnets, that strong pull and I relaxed and felt like me again.  I learned all of this from the coach our family sees and the tools she has taught us are invaluable and amazing.  I was hijacked, gone, lost, and taken over by this energy and then, when I got the clarity about what had happened, I was able to break free and be me again.  We’ve all felt hijacked, and the truth is, it happens to us all the time, and then we get headaches, leaky noses, or we vomit or have diarrhea as our bodies try to clear it out.  That is what happens when our bodies are left to clear it out, but if we can be conscious of what is going on and assist the body to clear it out by breaking energy, drinking lots of water and being aware of how we are feeling inside, it helps!!

Breaking energy is described in William Linville’s (www.williamlinville.com) book, “Living in a body on a planet,” on page 25,

“Begin by sliding your hands across each other in front of your heart, then pushing your right hand out while bringing your left palm to rest against your heart level.  Focus on your heart chakra. You are breaking energy with the whole world as you’ve known it….This is bringing your consciousness right back through your body…Now bring your attention to a part of your body.  Whether your attention is on a hand, on the neck, even on a toe, it matters not.  Bringing attention to that body part allows you to feel your own presence and welcome it to come forward again.”

From: http://www.cornellenergyclub.com/

I am so happy to have breaking energy as a tool.  It has helped me so much!  It helped me come back to me today when I was completely gone, hijacked and taken prisoner (it felt like that, it seems extreme, but it was such a relief to be back to me!).  I thought of Harry Potter after I recovered and felt like myself again.  For those of you familiar with Harry Potter, I felt like Harry does when he is in front of the Dementors and they start trying to suck his soul out of his body.  He has to try to conjure up a Patronus to ward off the evil, but he’s being sucked away, bit by bit and it takes every bit of his strength and awareness to break free.  Once he is free, he is left tired and feeling drained, which is how I felt today.  I laughed to myself this afternoon after I had had a healthy helping of chocolate, because chocolate is the exact remedy from Harry Potter after he has fought off a Dementor attack. In the third book, Harry gets to/has to eat a lot of chocolate to get his strength back as he learns to ward off Dementors.   I have no idea if I ate a good amount of chocolate because innately I felt like my body needed it, or if the memory of that part of the book was hiding somewhere inside and was telling me to eat chocolate. Either way, I ate the chocolate, I felt better, I went outside and went to the park and felt the wind, I hugged a tree and just got my roots back into the ground.

That’s my story!  I hope you find it interesting!  I wonder if you’ll consider the new tool as a way to feel more comfortable in your body, because really that is what it is meant to do. I wonder if chocolate really is a delectable treat that does more for us than we’ll ever know, maybe J.K. Rowling knew as much!

With love,

Bradlee

My body image healing

I can see now how perfect it was that I wrote my last post a few days before my latest healing with Jean Brazeau, our family’s healer/coach/guide.  I have been so much more aware of what I’ve been carrying around for years, the beliefs about the body, how it works, how it looks, and that awareness has allowed me to access those limiting beliefs with Jean’s help and to get rid of them, to leave room for the real me, without beliefs, just love:)

When I was last at Jean’s house this past Thursday, she was helping me to find out what happened to me at age 11.  There was no memory that came up for me at first, but it finally came when Jean got the information that it was about my period. Then I remembered that I was very confused when I got my period, that I thought there was something wrong in my underwear, maybe poop, maybe not, all I remember is that it was “gross” and that I needed to hide it.  I just kept hiding my underwear, unaware really of the shame I was experiencing, unaware of the confusion, unsure of what to do. My mom finally found a pair that I had decided to put in the laundry basket, or that maybe I had missed and she told me I had my period.  I remember being like this, “oh”.  And she taught me how to put a pad on and then I can’t remember if she found all my underwear or if she was just showing me how to wash them (which was super helpful actually!) and then I did it myself.  I really don’t know.

What came up for me during my healing session was all the shame and disgust I had felt during my life about the body.  I cried a ton, I released the shame I had been carrying around.  I was coughing it out too; the few days leading up to my healing session, I had felt short of breath and it was my body’s way of starting to bring up the shame, that the body had stored in my lungs/chest.  Jean was helping me to see how I had absorbed the energy and beliefs my mom had about the body and society too.  I think it’s hard for any of us to believe we are beautiful and that our bodies are perfect the way they are, and to see all of the body’s functions as we do a car’s, like exhaust (pee and poop), windshield washer fluid (soap and water for us to clean), etc. and without judgement.  I am a step closer to this and for that I will always be grateful.  For my sake, for my daughter’s sake, for everyone whom I meet, who can see me for me, and not feel the judgement and shame I was feeling about the way my body looks and works.

I my healing session, I also had some guidance from one of the past lives I had led.  In one life, possibly a long time ago, I was a priestly sort of person who was very powerful and I carried a staff of life (images that came to Jean during the session).  My name was Jacob.  I had tried to heal someone during that life and it didn’t work and I was blamed and ostracized.  Jacob and that old life of mine came up to show me that I had a beautiful gentle and soft place inside and that is where I can live from, that I don’t need to live from the place of shame and disgust that I had been living with currently, that Jacob had lived through because of the healing that didn’t work that he/I was blamed for.  He was there to show me that he didn’t do anything wrong, but he carried that pain around for years, he was there to show me how much energy there is in my body about “leave me alone,” “please don’t leave me,” “I can’t do this anymore,” and in this healing, it was all about not needing to hide any more.  That the shame can be done with.  I can open up, be free, be me, breathe and shine and live my true life, from my heart, not from a place of hurt, with all these emotions stuck inside, suffocating me, strangling me and holding me back.  Those feelings are not me, it is not any of us, we are only love, and that we need to clear this stuff out so we can finally be us, be free.

The other fascinating part about the week leading up to this healing was the changes in my body leading up to the session.  I’ve typically only had cellulite on the backs of my upper thighs, but Thursday morning it was all over my whole thighs. Jean was showing me that the “disgust” I had for the body was manifesting itself, it was showing me why the body was undesirable by creating more cellulite.  I’m so glad to have had this healing, it was perfect timing.  I’ve been teaching a kid’s dance/yoga/connecting to their heart class and I’ve been saying to everyone that their body is perfect, just the way it is…I’ve come to know this now, but within, I was still unconsiously operating from that place of disgust.  Maybe now, I can truly say that the body is beautiful and not have that inner conflict about it.

This is the healing for me as a young girl and for all the little girls out there who are confused about their bodies, who feel the confusion about how it’s supposed to look from the media, from their mom, from the people around them, from movies, magazines and dolls.  May we all come to know that the body is beautiful, that it’s excretions are it’s way of maintaining itself and are just that, nothing gross, nothing to be ashamed about, just excretions and functions.  May we all do away with the hate for this body, with the shame and allow our true selves to shine and to enjoy the body!!

This is a video that Jean posted on her Facebook page, that she encouraged me to watch.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpwfIE1ilio

I watched it 2 weeks ago and I think it got the ball rolling for me to access all of this inside of me, to release it and to be free and to re-adjust to life, as each healing is like a rebirth, a reawakening to my true possibilities, to life as it can be, beautiful and full of love and from my heart.

Namaste and lots of love!

Bradlee

I’ve come a long way with my body

I have come a long way with my body.

I used to hate my body.  I used to think it was horrible, smelly, hairy, ugly and fat and wrinkly and useless.  Those are a lot of horrible adjectives!  I used to hide my body, be shy about it, think it was something to be hidden and something that I didn’t deserve or want.  I remember being 16 and thinking that I could cut off the backs of my legs so the cellulite wouldn’t be there, and part of me knew that was really wrong, so thank goodness.  I am so thankful that I always retained some aspect of love in my heart, some aspect of my true divine nature, that always came right when I needed it, to hold me up and to support me, to show me how far I had stepped away from my true self, from my heart, from the beauty that I am, that we truly all are.

Now that I am on this healing and evolving and opening journey, I see my body totally differently.  In fact, the change started before that.  When I first met my husband Robbin, I immediately noticed how comfortable he was with his body.  Why does he have this I asked myself?  What is this?  How could he actually brush his teeth naked?  I wanted to try that!  I have vivid memories of my Dad screaming when I opened the bathroom door while he was in there.  It was then that I realized that maybe I could have many different models for life, for viewing my body, for taking care of a home, for living and actually feeling responsible for my life, instead of feeling helpless (that wasn’t mean to imply my parents taught me to be helpless!  It’s just that as I went out into the world, I found from watching others, from other ways of doing things, that I could reclaim the power I had so readily given up in my life and live my true life!).  So I slowly started to come out of my body view, that exceptionally narrow view of my body.

I remember after my food healing (please see the My Healing sections if you’re interested!), that I walked away with such a different feeling of the body, that it could take in what it needs and let the rest pass through.  Really!  I remember thinking that to myself. I don’t need to worry about what I eat, I don’t need to think I’m going to be fat or worry about what to eat, etc, etc, that I could get into a place in my heart that remembered that the body has it’s own wisdom, that I don’t need to do anything, just nourish it and it will take care of the rest.

I remember when my daughter Zara wanted to be tickled naked.  She loved the feeling on her body, on her skin.  She was not quite 2 and a half and she asked me if she could tickle me while I was naked too.  I decided to challenge my beliefs that my body was gross, so I went for it and I got naked.  I laughed, like those deep belly laughs because I was doing it, and I was enjoying it.

That of course led to some brilliant teaching opportunities about the body.  She was looking at my vulva (I didn’t realize that was what the whole region was actually called, until I met Robbin, thank you dear Robbin!!), and so I said, “mine has hair on it, yours will too when you get older, and you’ll get boobies when you’re older too.”  That led to a discussion about periods, breast-feeding and of course, to the parts of the vulva, all while naked!!  I leaned forward and showed her all the parts of her vulva, the labia, the clitoris, the urethra, the clitoral hood, the vagina.  She was repeating them and pointing to them.  I was so pleased, so proud!  Here I was, teaching my daughter about her body, the body that I thought was ugly and no good, when it truly is a miracle to be enjoyed and marvelled at!  Then she looked at me and asked me to teach her about my “vulva parts.”  I couldn’t believe it, but I went for it.  I showed her the deal.  Then I realized that there was this undercurrent of grossed out within me while I was teaching her.  So then I stopped, I said, “Zara I used to think my body was ugly and that the vulva was not a very nice part of it, but I don’t believe that any more. My body is beautiful and so is everyone’s, we all have the same parts, they just look different.  I’m going to explain my parts again, while connecting to the love I have for my body,” and then I did and I felt like I was glowing inside.

What’s up now fears about the body!!  Haha!  Conquered!  In your face!  They were fears that weren’t really mine in the first place…I remember being 13 and my track and field coach had to get up off a bleacher to get something and we were encouraging her (I can’t remember why).  And she said, “Oh well, I’m wearing shorts and there’s all this cellulite on my legs, I can’t go and get it, people will see it.”  Boom. Imprinted into my mind.  Cellulite = not worthy, ugly, don’t ever show your legs.  Thanks coach.  I still carry that one, but it’s more than just from her, it’s everywhere.  I still catch myself, looking at the cellulite and thinking there is something wrong with it.  Is it not possible that it’s the way my body prefers to store fat?  I don’t know!!!  I’ll take a look at that belief again and again until I can be at peace with my body, all the way at peace!!

You know, it doesn’t matter that I’m six feet tall, that I have a nicely proportioned body, brown skin and shiny hair, it really doesn’t matter what the body looks like on the outside, it’s the perception and the beliefs inside that shape everything.  Over the past few years, I have come to have more instances when I look in the mirror and say, “nice!” than instances when I look and say, “you look like crap, you are ugly,” and for that I’m grateful!  May the balance keep shifting!!

How could I ever have thought my body is ugly? What is on the inside changed my perception of the beauty of this body of mine! This was from a few years ago! My goal this summer is to do the same without the shorts!! Here's to celebrating my body and being an example out there to the little girls who will see me out there instead of hiding my body!

Why let the emotions do you in?

I like that question.  I also like the idea that I am trying not to give up my power and my life to the emotions I experience. This kind of feels like a monumental task, but I’m taking it a day at a time, actually, I’m taking it situation by situation and that’s really all I can do.

Tee hee, this was me before I realized how I let the stress take over (from baloocartoons.com)

This afternoon, I went to Costco with our nearly 3 year old daughter.  Everything went smoothly, we didn’t buy the whole store, we stuck to what was on the list, except for the monster box of granola bars.  I have a new recipe for granola bars that is so ridiculously good (thanks Lisa!!!) but I still bought a box. So there you go, I bought them.  It’s the Costco consciousness, “look at this big box, I must need it, they’re tasty, they’re mostly healthy, never mind that I can make equally good, if not better ones at home, I must buy these.”  I figure that coming out of there with only one superfluous purchase is pretty good.

That ramble aside, here’s where the emotions came in.  We were waiting while they scanned all of our items.  Zara was in the cart and it was close to the time for me to pay.  So I said to her, “okay I’m going right over here to pay with my debit card.”  I started to swipe it and she said, “Mommy, get me out of here.”  I said, “You can just turn the other way and you’ll be able to see me,” as I was thinking that was what she needed.  Then I swiped and the card didn’t read, and then I looked up and she was trying to get out of the cart, the guy was trying to help her, and then I tried to swipe again, starting to freak out, like, “holy moly, what do I do, do I get her out, do I swipe again, is the card going to work, like there are people waiting in line, is Zara going to fall out?”  Honestly, that’s what was going on.  So I breathed, went over to Zara, helped her out of the cart, like I will do from now on, like if she needs out and there are people waiting, it will be okay if they wait an extra 20 seconds, it’s okay.  That’s how I recovered.  Why would I favor a line of people at Costco over my daughter?  Why did I create all of that stress? Did anyone say anything to me, like, “hurry up?”  No!!  But the emotions of panic and must hurry and must run around without my head, all came up.  Luckily it only lasted about 10 seconds, although it felt longer, and then I recovered, I breathed, I got Zara out, the guy ended up swiping my card and getting it to work and then I paid and breathed and started walking out.  I actually said to the cashier, “I started getting all nervous,  and it was me who created the stress, I’m working on it, and I’m not going to create stress like this anymore.”  He smiled at me and was like, “Ya, why worry.”  It was awesome, he had a Caribbean accent, I think he is totally carefree, he seemed like it, aren’t Caribbean islands like that?  We can all do with that a bit.

Then, I pulled over the cart and explained to Zara what had happened, how I had given up my power to the emotions, and that I was able to get it back and how it’s super important to be grounded and to remember to breathe so you can recognize it. I think she kind of got it, tee hee, who knows.  What’s important is that she see me breathe, reconnect with myself and take back my power from the phantom stress that I created.

That’s my daily challenge to myself, can I see the emotions for what they are, merely emotions?  They aren’t me. They never were.  And now, I’m going to make sure I do my best to stay on top of them, laugh when I don’t and continue the challenge, to be true to me instead of to my thoughts and emotions, which are never a true reflection of me and the love that I am inside.  If you’re reading this, think about one thought you had today, one thought that side-tracked you, that took over, and then laugh and know that it isn’t you, it never was.  You are great, you aren’t fat or stupid or ugly or alone or old or unimportant, you are perfect just the way you are.  Take back your power with me, it is the journey and challenge of a lifetime and it is so worthwhile.  No one can do it for you, trust me, I waited 31 years for someone to do it for me and now I’m going it for me and it feels pretty damn good.  Please share your story if you are so called!

When there is nothing but scattered

This is what it felt like this morning in our home (photo from webdesign.org)

I think we all know this feeling.  The feeling of being pulled everywhere, of not knowing what to do next, of being confused, feeling pulled in every direction.  I like to call it scattered.  I lived like that for sooooo long. It’s only since I’ve started on this healing journey and learning about emotions, how they get stored in the body, and how parts of us can actually leave our bodies unless we are grounded.  Yes, I actually just wrote that.  Apparently that’s what happens when we feel scattered, that it is time to sit in silence, be with ourselves, call all parts of us back in and get grounded, get your feet back on the ground, get balanced, get focused, whatever you call it, it’s what so many of us need, our family included.

So this morning, things were going fine, we were playing, organizing, eating together and hanging out.  Then, we started doing some laundry, some sweeping, and we started taking care of the house, each one of us was doing something different.  I felt like it was okay, but then I noticed that Zara (our almost 3 year old daughter) was running back and forth between us, calling out to both of us, but not actually doing anything.  I was trying to keep her engaged, keep her focused, and it was kind of working, but it wasn’t enough.  Then I decided to take a bath and she was running around Robbin (my husband), and coming back into the bathroom and back and forth.  So I asked Robbin to help her get settled, to empower her, to give her some choices of things she could do, instead of running around between the two of us.  That worked for awhile, but then it wore off.  So I got out of the bath and we all ended up downstairs and I realized what it was.  I don’t think any of us were grounded.  It could also have been that either just me or just Robbin wasn’t grounded and then Zara was picking up on that and she was just running around because she wasn’t grounded either.  So with none of us grounded, it was a big scattered run around mess.

We were sitting in the living room and I was helping her to see that she needs to be grounded so that she can not feel everything around her (this was before I realized that Robbin and I likely weren’t grounded either).  So she wasn’t too interested, but she could see that she could get all of her scattered thoughts and parts back in, so she did that.  Then we sat quietly while Robbin and I got grounded (we sat, we breathed, we connected with our bodies until we could feel them tingle, there are lots of ways, we both really like touching our fingertips together and breathing and feeling our bodies, the healer/coach/guide whom we see taught us that, and it’s also in A New Earth By Eckhart Tolle).  Before we knew it, the difference in the room was huge.  I felt more calm, with my feet on the ground so to speak, and Robbin felt it too, and then, Zara was off, playing by herself behind the couch with all her guys.  I was stunned.  As simple as that.  It had nothing really to do with Zara, she was just picking up on what Robbin or I were going through, or our lack of grounding.  We’re trying to teach her to be grounded so she herself can be focused, so she won’t be drawn into all the energy scenarios and dramas around her.  Slowly it’s making a difference for her, I think it’s hardest around your family though, we all know this:)

I had to share it.  I likely don’t know all the deal, the deep deep intricacies, but I know that it helped.  That with grounded, calm and focused parents, children can thrive.  Now, it’s just about remembering to get grounded and to coach her to do the same.  Tee hee, maybe not a small feat, but something awesome to work towards.  Then our house looked more like this and we were able to get it back to this much more quickly if it got back to scattered mode!

Beautiful peace, beautiful openings to start from, instead of the scattered whirlwind...from ndsu.edu

The line between caring and taking on responsibility

Well, it seems as though this is really my deal lately.  Trying to find the balance between being there for someone and not taking on their life story as my own.   Letting their journey be their journey….My great friend is going through a lot and much of what I have learned lately could be helpful to her, or so I deemed.  So I tried to cautiously share what I’ve learned, leaving it up to her, without putting pressure on her to see “my way”, without making her feel like she’s doing it “wrong”, because she’s not, and for me, trying to just be there for her and love her.

I was pleased with how it was going and then I felt myself getting caught up in it, feeling like, “oh I need to share this,” with the operative word being need.  Do I really need to share it?  Does she really need to hear it?  Need?  No.  May she find it interesting, yes.That’s where I want to be!!  So, I tried to take a deep breath, pull myself back to the neutral place full of love for her in my heart.  I did it, but not before getting really involved.  You might ask how I knew I was really involved, how did I know that I was taking on too much responsibility, how did I know that part of me was with her in Toronto even though I live in Ottawa?  Well, I have learned that my body is a super useful guide for me.  I noticed that my digestive patterns had changed, like I was getting bloated, and I wasn’t as hungry.  I also noticed that I kept thinking of her and her life, when I really just wanted to be living my own!  I even felt back pain, like the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I think we all know that pain, right below the neck, at the traps…ya, I’ve learned that some of us (me too!) do feel responsible for everything and everyone and by feeling that, by living that, we actually are carrying the weight of the world on our shoulders and then our bodies slow down and we feel heavy and tired.

So I started feeling all of that in my body and I was seeing my mind race all over the place.  I laughed and went, well there you go, I was trying not to have this happen and it has.  The moment I realized it and emailed her to apologize, to let her know that I had gone too far, that I love her and that I support her no matter what.  My body slowly relaxed and by the end of the day, I was feeling much better physically.  Another lesson for me.  I’m glad to keep learning it!  I’ll also be glad when I can stay in that neutral place all the time, when I just radiate love and support without needing to change anything or anyone.  I am learning lots of cool stuff, about healing, the power and love we all have within us, the wisdom of our bodies, how we are not our emotions and I will find the balance with how to share it and live it and not let it become my cause, but rather just a part of me.

Here’s to all my beautiful friends and family members.  I love you all, you are all perfect as you are, I support you in your journeys and I am here for you.  May my heart and mind find the balance of love and caring and not taking on responsibility.