I have been striving to live a perfect life for a very long time. While I am only 36 years old, I feel much older at times because of the weight that this need for perfection has been on my shoulders and heart.
Over the last few weeks I have felt angry. I have felt angry at myself for pushing down my power and my strength, all in the name of living this falsely perfect life that had no need or want for power or strength. I defined “falsely perfect” as the need to always be nice, to be able to say that “yes, things are great,” whenever asked, to not ever get mad or be “mean, and to have things so perfectly organized and arranged so that I could feel good. What I have started to see is how exhausting this way of living has been for me, as well as limiting and frustrating!
I was lying in bed this morning and I felt myself lifting up inside, like I was being lifted to a higher level of awareness and freedom and potential. A few hours later, I was seething mad, like I wanted to yell and scream and break things, so when I lay down to rest and breathe, I said, “I surrender this false and limiting way of living. I surrender the belief that only certain ways of existing are perfect. I surrender the inner critic and judge.” I was also feeling what it felt like as I was saying those things, so I was using my feelings as guide about what to do. It was amazing because it was like all the anger I have felt about forcing myself to live in this falsely perfect was guiding me to free myself. It was like that part of me rose up and helped me to say, “ENOUGH,” and that gave me the knowledge and strength to free myself from this pretend prison and to welcome back all parts of me.
I saw myself smashing down those prison walls and I felt rising, falling and melting within me, almost like the parts of me that I was surrendering (and the prison walls) were being absorbed, pulled into my heart, bounced around, healed and released to be free.
Ahhhh, deep breath : )
Here I am, an hour after crashing down my prison walls and I felt the need to write about it. I feel like I have all of this energy within me and it still wants to crash through life and push things out of the way, because it’s been buried down deep within me for so long. I am so interested and keen to get to know these parts of myself, and get to know their passions and interests and desires! I feel like I unknowingly buried my strength and power in an attempt to live a “good girl” kind of life, and now all I care about is living authentically and crashing down all the walls of falsehood that exist within me and around me. I know I won’t physically crash things down, but I think that me and my newfound power and strength will become good friends and that I will have much renewed energy in the coming days, weeks and months as this change settles within me. I am very excited to see what happens in my life as I meet each new day and each breath with a more integrated and united me.
May we all be blessed with the clarity to see where we have been unknowingly limiting ourselves and with the courage to break down those walls!