I have missed writing for this blog! I started working full time nearly a year ago (after nearly 5 years off after our daughter was born) and I haven’t been spending much time writing! To be honest, I was spending a lot of time adjusting to the way things were at work, to overcoming a lot of the fears that I felt about going back to work and about working. It’s been quite a journey and ultimately one that has led to much personal growth and a deeper coming out of the real me.
Last week while at work, I just wasn’t feeling great. My energy was lower and I just didn’t feel the same. I spent some time in the bath last Thursday night and I asked myself what was really going on and what I could do to feel good at work. I cried for a few minutes and then I just relaxed and got a really simple and easy answer, “just be yourself!” It felt so right immediately and so perfect! I started seeing pictures of myself at work acting more like me, giving myself permission to be me and to share the love that I have discovered inside with others while at work. I received some really awesome inner guidance! I was so inspired for the next day!
The inspiration lasted but the heavy feeling took back over and by Saturday I was feeling low and dense again…I remembered some tricks that I have been learning from the coach our family sees and I tried them out on Sunday and I recovered very nicely. I prepared for the work week and wasn’t quite aware that I was relying on the tricks to “get me through,” instead of the “just be yourself” guidance I had received. I was also creating a bit of self-doubt about whether I could really keep my energy up during the week. It was the following events that really helped me to see that I had created a little prison for myself…
I looked out the window this afternoon and I saw some seagulls who were flying in a way that didn’t seem right. They looked like they were going to crash into each other. I normally watch them fly in awe, whereas this seemed chaotic and unbalanced…I wished them well and kept working. When I left work today, I saw some more seagulls flying over the work property that were flying in the same chaotic way; some of them looked like they weren’t sure if they wanted to fly or land, some of them nearly crashed and one looked like he had forgotten how to fly. I figured it was significant that I was seeing that and I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it.
I walked home and was 6 minutes into the walk when I noticed that the same seagulls were flying with me on my walk home. It was then that I realized that they had a message for me and I asked to fully receive their message. I watched them for a minute and then it came to me…I was viewing myself as broken, as not quite capable of “keeping up” at work while the energies were more intense/low, and they were showing me what I was putting out to the world. I sat outside our house and saw the seagulls continue to fly by our house so I connected to my heart and cleared out the feelings from the day and then I started to not see them any more. I gave myself permission to use the tools because I needed them but not to rely on them or to consider myself as less capable because I was using them. I “took the tools off” metaphorically and then I opened my eyes and saw the last seagull fly away and then they were gone. They had felt the shift in how I was viewing myself and their parting was the confirmation of that. I was very grateful to the seagulls, as they have guided, comforted and inspired me in countless ways since I learned that animals are messengers. I am grateful that I am open to receiving their messages and to learning from their freedom and grace. I am grateful that I could see that the fear/brokenness that was self-imposed and that I could choose freedom!! I am grateful to everyone who brings me messages in unexpected ways and who shares with me so I may learn and grow along with them.