Freeing myself from an unconsciously self-imposed prison

I have missed writing for this blog!  I started working full time nearly a year ago (after nearly 5 years off after our daughter was born) and I haven’t been spending much time writing!  To be honest, I was spending a lot of time adjusting to the way things were at work, to overcoming a lot of the fears that I felt about going back to work and about working.  It’s been quite a journey and ultimately one that has led to much personal growth and a deeper coming out of the real me.

Last week while at work, I just wasn’t feeling great.  My energy was lower and I just didn’t feel the same.  I spent some time in the bath last Thursday night and I asked myself what was really going on and what I could do to feel good at work.  I cried for a few minutes and then I just relaxed and got a really simple and easy answer, “just be yourself!”  It felt so right immediately and so perfect!  I started seeing pictures of myself at work acting more like me, giving myself permission to be me and to share the love that I have discovered inside with others while at work.  I received some really awesome inner guidance!  I was so inspired for the next day!

The inspiration lasted but the heavy feeling took back over and by Saturday I was feeling low and dense again…I remembered some tricks that I have been learning from the coach our family sees and I tried them out on Sunday and I recovered very nicely.  I prepared for the work week and wasn’t quite aware that I was relying on the tricks to “get me through,” instead of the “just be yourself” guidance I had received. I was also creating a bit of self-doubt about whether I could really keep my energy up during the week.  It was the following events that really helped me to see that I had created a little prison for myself…

I looked out the window this afternoon and I saw some seagulls who were flying in a way that didn’t seem right.  They looked like they were going to crash into each other.  I normally watch them fly in awe, whereas this seemed chaotic and unbalanced…I wished them well and kept working.  When I left work today, I saw some more seagulls flying over the work property that were flying in the same chaotic way; some of them looked like they weren’t sure if they wanted to fly or land, some of them nearly crashed and one looked like he had forgotten how to fly.  I figured it was significant that I was seeing that and I wasn’t quite sure what to do about it.

I walked home and was 6 minutes into the walk when I noticed that the same seagulls were flying with me on my walk home. It was then that I realized that they had a message for me and I asked to fully receive their message.  I watched them for a minute and then it came to me…I was viewing myself as broken, as not quite capable of “keeping up” at work while the energies were more intense/low, and they were showing me what I was putting out to the world. I sat outside our house and saw the seagulls continue to fly by our house so I connected to my heart and cleared out the feelings from the day and then I started to not see them any more. I gave myself permission to use the tools because I needed them but not to rely on them or to consider myself as less capable because I was using them.  I “took the tools off” metaphorically and then I opened my eyes and saw the last seagull fly away and then they were gone.  They had felt the shift in how I was viewing myself and their parting was the confirmation of that.  I was very grateful to the seagulls, as they have guided, comforted and inspired me in countless ways since I learned that animals are messengers.  I am grateful that I am open to receiving their messages and to learning from their freedom and grace.  I am grateful that I could see that the fear/brokenness that was self-imposed and that I could choose freedom!!   I am grateful to everyone who brings me messages in unexpected ways and who shares with me so I may learn and grow along with them.  

Pure freedom!!  From: http://hdimagesinfo.com/flying-birds/#.U_VZw_k7uM5
Pure freedom!! From: http://hdimagesinfo.com/flying-birds/#.U_VZw_k7uM5

 

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