I feel like I have been given a second chance at life, like I’ve been reborn. It’s like I’ve taken off the glasses that I used to wear, which filtered everything I saw through the eyes of a victim, sadness, grief and loneliness. It’s like living on a new planet and I sometimes find myself reeling from it, sometimes smelling flowers and really noticing how beautiful they are, dancing in the kitchen or sharing time with people whom I used to hide many aspects of myself from and now laughing and loving together. Sometimes I wonder if someone is going to come and tell me that I have to put those old metaphorical glasses back on because this can’t be possible or true. I know that it’s not possible for me to put those old glasses on because no part of me wants to, I am really enjoying getting to know who I really am and getting to experience my life, instead of just waiting for it to happen or just watching it go by.
I’ve been working with an amazing coach/guide in Ottawa (Jean Brazeau), who has been helping me get to the deepest darkest parts inside where I’ve hidden all that hate, sadness, despair, rage and sorrow, and clearing it out to make more room for my true self. I’m learning that this is the journey my soul chose before I even came to Earth, that I chose all of these circumstances to help me experience life and to help me experience the truth of who I am (kind of like The Little Soul and The Sun, a children’s story by Neale Donald Walsch). I had one session where I went back to talk with my soul before it even came into my body, and my soul was excited and jumping up and down. When I asked my soul what my life purpose was, it told me it was to be the joy, pure and simple. So now, I’m on this new path and am starting to see that the more I let go instead of hold on, the more joy I feel and the lighter I feel! I do feel like jumping up and down sometimes with the releases and the new, lighter feelings inside, and sometimes I come home from a session with my arms in the air, chanting and jumping and exclaiming with joy and it’s a wonderful turnaround for me.
It’s been an awesome trip, especially as I learn the old patterns of judging others, protecting myself, forcing my way through life, hiding from myself, hating myself, and feeling so lost and wanting to know the way out but feeling stuck and trapped. It’s been exceptionally liberating to see these patterns and ways of relating to others and to be taking more and more steps to be free of it and to choose a new way of relating to the world and to myself.
I am starting to:
- engage with people from my heart, instead of from hiding and fear
- trust that I am loved and that I am love
- know that I am the Creator of my experiences and that there is much support available to me (to all of us)
- see that other people can serve as a mirror for me
- realize that the beauty of life is right there inside of me and that I can connect to myself and feel that joy and bliss that exists within me and to shine and love myself and others
- free myself from that victim role and walk on this new unknown path and know and trust that this is the path that I was always trying to find and it was right here within me, gently calling to me (and now loudly calling to me!!)
- finally forgive myself for “all the things I did wrong”, the people whom I’ve hurt (consciously and unconsciously), and for not, not, not, not….etc.
- forgive myself and step forward, to learn and try again, to know that I have the choice, I can wallow or learn and try again.
- choose being free instead of hiding
- choose love not fear.
Thank you to everyone who has been with me on this journey. Thank you for showing me the way to myself, thank you for highlighting that which I did not see or want to see within me, thank you for helping me shatter the old limiting beliefs I carried inside of me, thank you for helping me to see me as I really am and for helping me take off the glasses. Thank you for your love and support.