I’ve always had this inner awareness that would guide me, but I wouldn’t always know what to do about it.
I remember as a young girl, seeing my brother and my dad horsing around on the couch, and I had this feeling that I was outside of it, outside of them, outside of being able to include myself and play and have a good time. I felt it and knew it at the time, despite only being 5 or 6, and that feeling stayed with me. Now I’m a mom and my daughter is 3 and when her and my husband play around, I have felt excluded, just like I did with my dad and brother. I was aware of it, but only the tiniest bit, that the same feelings were with me and were playing out in my current life. I would feel that way when they would play and I felt it, was aware of it, but I really didn’t know what to do about it. My mind would say things like, “well you just don’t know how to play,” and other unhelpful things like that. So yesterday, we were all sitting together and my husband and daughter started tickling each other and I felt it so strongly, “you don’t belong, you don’t know how to play,” and for the first time, I held that feeling, I let it be there, I let it take me over so I was just sitting on the couch, watching them and really feeling like I didn’t belong. But it was a really cool experience because I was so aware of the feeling, so aware that it wasn’t me, that it couldn’t control me any more, but I just felt like it really needed to be there. I didn’t push it down as just something from the past, but I let it be there with me. Within a few minutes, they came over and started tickling me and I started being able to move again, to find the inner me who always wanted to play, to be a part but was so paralyzed for whatever reason. I was able to initiate tickling and playing and it almost felt normal! It was so exciting! And today, we were walking around the block and we started chasing each other and for the first time ever, it felt right, it felt normal, it felt like I was a part of the play and not just on the outside like I had felt even a bit yesterday. I was running, screaming, chasing, and playing and it felt natural and real.
Wow. What a huge gift. I have made such huge shifts from the victim mode that my life has always been in, to being able to initiate things, to know that I am okay and that I can be an active participant in my own life instead of just collecting the circumstances of my life and being buried under them, without any control or choice. Today just happens to be the start of 2013 and today, I am proud of myself. Not because it is a new year, but because I am choosing me, I am choosing my life, I am choosing to go beyond all this crap, stuff, garbage, energy, whatever you want to call it that was never me in the first place, but that was running my life and dictating whether I was happy or down in the dumps.
Here is another example of how I’m starting to see that I can overcome these patterns in my life and these barriers that were preventing me from living my true life and enjoying myself! I heard my daughter Zara say, “Wow, if we go to that breakfast party tomorrow, I’ll probably be exhausted.” I looked at her and I asked her why she was planning on being tired when she hadn’t even gone yet. She just continued to say that she would likely be exhausted. I pondered on it, wondered where that was coming from, why someone so young, with so much energy and love of life, could be planning to feel tired. I was talking to Robbin (my husband) about it and he said, “well I’ve heard you say that you’ll probably be tired after we do something.” I was astounded! Was that what I was really doing! I asked him, “so like, I plan to be tired?” and he agreed and said, “if you put it that way, yes, that is what you do.” WOW!! Holy moly! Can you imagine how limiting that has been for me and for my family! I had NO idea that I was doing that, that I was planning on being tired. You know what happens when you plan on being tired? You’re tired!!! You can read about that in any self-help, spirituality/awareness book, what you wish for or dread, comes true! Holy moly! I started remembering all the times in my life when I let that belief take over, when I let it limit me, keep me home, keep me small and keep me safe! Wow! It was so eye opening and so exciting, here was the perfect chance for me to change my inner voice and my outer words, I could choose to be awake, choose my life, choose to have a great time, choose to know that my life is different than how it used to be when I used to feel tired from interacting with people because I was so scared and so nervous and absorbing all kinds of thoughts, energies and whatever else!
So, today I woke up and I explained it to Zara, how I used that as an excuse my whole life and that I was done. No more planning to be tired. And now, we’re home from the New Year’s get together and we all have energy. I haven’t forced us to have quiet time or to lay low like I used to. I am done. I am free and I am freeing up my husband and daughter to be themselves, and for Zara to trust her inner guidance too, to let her tell us when she is tired, instead of me always going, “umm, okay, umm, let’s have some quiet now.” NO! No more. Just like that. If we can get the awareness of the show we’re running, we can start to be free. Today, I am free from two big ones and it feels so great, so light, so free. I am so proud, so at peace, so quiet inside. Hooray for life. What else are we living for really, than to be free, free from our minds, free from limiting patterns and beliefs. Hooray for the small steps towards the truth!! Thank you to my heart and awareness for sticking with me, thank you to our family’s beautiful guide Jean, for helping me to connect to my truth, and thank you to Robbin and Zara who inspire me to live from the truth and from my heart every day.