I have lived in this crazy pattern of living, then hiding, living, then hiding for as long as I can remember. It has been such a heavy pattern to live from, the guilt from hiding, the wonder if anyone is going to care enough to notice that I’m “hiding”, the feeling of the absence of me and what that must feel like for the people around me. All in all, heaviness and density, just dragging down yuck!
Now the exciting part!!! Wohoo!! As I’ve started reclaiming my life and getting to the core of these life long patterns, and as a result, I have the clarity to see how the pattern started and to choose differently. It also have given me the freedom to choose differently because the weight of the initial reason for the pattern has been released and cleansed. So the other day, I was told by our family’s healer/coach/guide some things about how I can support my daughter in her young life and how I can support myself as well. It was beautiful advice, given from the heart, neutrally and with every intent of support and love, I felt it in my whole being. I was excited because it made so much sense and I knew I could do it. By the time I got home and chatted with the repairmen who were working on our house, my mind totally took over and told me with all these poisonous thoughts:
-you are responsible for your whole family and look how you are ruining them,
-you can’t do this, you need time away, you need to run, get out of here, go away, far
-hide and hide, deeper and deeper, you don’t even want to be here.
I was aware of myself drowning in those thoughts, I knew they didn’t make any sense, but for some reason I felt powerless. I knew that I had likely absorbed some energy from the repairmen (this happens to all of us!), so I cried it out, I broke energy with them and yet I was hidden inside and frustrated and angry. It was amazing to me, it is pretty rare that I get “taken down” so hard any more. But it had to happen so I could stop the pattern myself I think. I had some quiet time to myself in the evening and I knew deep down that I could take care of myself, that I could connect to myself and shine my light through that darkness, but it was hard!! I’m learning that I have all the tools within and the support within and around me, that all I need to do is ask and it will come. I had a feeling though that there was something external that night that was going to help, so I trusted that. I found this video and it was exactly what I needed to help me take back my power from poisonous, suffocating thoughts:
How can I eliminate judgment and an explanation of anger: http://www.williamlinville.com/videojudgmentanger.html
I learned (again!!!) that the mind is always going to try to keep itself in power, in control, just as it has for most of our lives. I’ve been learning to thank my mind, to live from my heart and to use my mind as a tool instead of letting it manipulate me and control me (it used to tell me to eat to stay safe, etc, etc). It was a simple video that gave me back me power and I have a sense that it was a significant step for me in reclaiming myself. Learning to say to the mind, “Oh ya, you think so, eh? You think that I am ruining my family? Prove it and then we’ll see,” and of course, there is rarely any proof, especially not with those thoughts I was experiencing the other night, it is the exact opposite in fact:)
So I invite you to try the same! I don’t think that it is only as simple as this but it is a part of the puzzle of unravelling the layers we’ve buried ourselves under and starting to shine again.