I lived my life feeling alone. Feeling invisible, but also feeling so stand out-ish (I was nearly 6 feet by 12 years old!), ready to be seen and made fun of, picked at, judged and criticized. It was a tough balance, trying to hide, feeling obvious, feeling invisible, all at once. Not the best combination I say! I remember the times where I felt like I was alone, no one loved me, I didn’t love me, I didn’t know who I was, but I knew I was lost and alone.
I know we each have our own journey and I am starting to see how mine was perfectly arranged for me to leave so much of these feelings and emotions behind. We all have a journey here on this planet. We all came into this world, fully aware of what we wanted to accomplish, what we knew we needed to work on in this life, and how we chose our parents so that they would provide us with ample opportunities to be challenged and to go beyond what we were comfortable with, to break free, to awaken, to be more conscious, to learn to live in this world, without being a victim to it, or being a part of it and being dragged along with it every day. If you are interested in a book that outlines this in a very easy to understand way, you can pick up the Celestine Prophecy and the second part of it, called The 10th Insight, Holding the Vision, both by James Redfield. I had been learning these things from the healer/coach/guide our family sees here in Ottawa, but when I read these points in The 10th Insight, it sunk in deeper and really resonated with me as total truth:)
I wonder if I needed to feel so alone in this life, only to marvel at all the times that I was held up and supported by forces that I didn’t understand, but that I knew on some level. I know that many of us feel like things are crazy, like we are alone, like life is just too hard, if only we could know that someone cared, that someone had the time for us, etc., etc.. We are all the same, it’s only our stories that are different.
I’d like to share some stories with you about how I have learned that I was always supported in my life, even when things seemed really hard and super lonely. I’d like to share some of those stories from my earlier unconscious life (31 and younger!) and from my newer more conscious life (31 to now, nearly 33!).
May these stories encourage you to find a quiet moment, to lie down or sit up, to put your hands on your heart and to ask your heart to show you all the times that you were supported, even when you felt desperately alone. Take your time. Once you get some messages, let them soak into your awareness, let them fill you with love, with the knowledge that you are never alone and never have to be again.
If your mind gets in the way, it’s okay, kindly ask it to come up to a higher level of consciousness and ask it to work with you instead of against you. You know you believe in the possibilities, ask your mind to come along with you as you open yourself up to being more supported, to even believing that it is possible that you can ask for help whenever you need it and that your call with be answered, by the universe, by our creator, by God, by angels, by your guides, call them whatever you want, it matters not, it only matters that you believe, that you trust that you are worth it, that you deserve the support, that they were always with you. Go ahead, and ask them for help. If you’re not sure yet, read on. I still can’t believe what I have been doing in my personal life. I went from not believing in anything, to feeling the love and peace that can only come from the universe, from source, from angels, from God. I am so grateful for those feelings, those moments of remembering that no matter what, I am supported. And now, some stories:
- I was in university working on my honors Biology final project. I had been in the computer lab for hours, I was exhausted and wanted to go home, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to complete on online application to work as a summer student for the Canadian federal government, so I stayed and completed it. After I graduated, I was back at home, feeling depressed that I hadn’t found a job despite my degree. I remember feeling worthless and useless. One night, I went out onto my parents’ driveway to get some fresh air and I vividly remember staring at the moon and stars and saying out loud, “I leave it up to you, I’m not sure what to do, can you take over,” or something to that effect. A few days later, I got a call from Health Canada (the Canadian FDA) and they wanted me to move to Ottawa for a job. Ha!! I didn’t know it then, but I was so being taken care of. Something/someone guided me to complete the application when it was the last thing I wanted to do and for some reason, I “let go” on that driveway and turned it over to the universe and it showed me what was possible because I let go of needing to make my life happen!
- I started working full time at Health Canada at the Special Access Programme, which helps patients with life threatening conditions to get access to unapproved medications when all marketed treatments have been tried and failed. It was an incredible job that taught me a lot and gave me a huge appreciation for my own physical health (I didn’t know then that there was more than just medicine and that my health could markedly improve with energy work, kind of ironic, eh?). I remember working on some of the applications and I would hear a voice inside, guiding me, “you’d better call that doctor and ask him for more information.” I remember thinking, “oh okay, I’d better do that,” and thinking that I had a strong conscience or something. I think you can call it whatever you want, but what it comes down to is that I was being supported and guided to do the things that would serve those patients in their best interests.
- When I was really sick and not doing well (please see the About page), our family’s naturopath told me to read the book The Journey by Brandon Bays, which is about going into the body, to the source of illness and finding out what memories and emotions are stored in the cells that could be causing the illness. I knew it was for me and I was just going to try the process out with a friend, but I had this strong feeling that I needed to look on The Journey website to see if there were any local practitioners. I checked it out one night and the list was really long but it seemed like there was only one name on it, like the others were blurred and the one name was really big. I remember thinking, “hmm, that’s really weird,” so I clicked on the profile and the person seemed really great, but I wasn’t ready so I closed it. The next night, the same thing happened, I had this strong feeling to look again and there was her name in big letters, even though they were the same size as the others. I made an appointment and here I am a year and a half later, so much more my true self, so much more free and open and happy and I go to see her regularly! If you’ve read this blog at all, you’ll see how much I’ve changed even in the past few months.
- This summer, I was awoken in the middle of the night to some loud yelling and fighting. I literally felt paralyzed and terrified lying in bed. I was so unsure of what to do and all I could do was to call out for help in my mind and within moments, there was this tremendous peace and love that filled my body. I remember lying there, so pleased, so overwhelmingly overjoyed and then before I knew it, I was asleep. It was like a dream, but it was beyond real. I woke up the night morning, super excited at what had happened and so ready to be able to deal with what I had heard during the night, instead of being terrified! I wasn’t alone! All I did was ask for help and it came!
- I had a big learning experience in one of the classes I teach and my mind was in overdrive, it was telling me what a bad job I had done, etc. etc. and I had enough. I was lying in bed with my daughter to help her get to sleep, but I was so restless and anxious, I may as well not have been there. I called out for help again because it had worked so well in the summer and within moments, my mind was quiet and I was at a peace. I remember lying there, relieved and somewhat in disbelief and then Zara was asleep, just like that. I had been assisted and she felt the shift and she could go to sleep.
Those are the key ones that I wanted to share for now. If you have any stories you’d like to share, please do so. We are all supported, even in our most unconscious or our most desperate moments. Believe in yourself, believe in what is possible, even if you don’t understand it yet, it’s there for you, loving you, holding you up, ready to give you the gift of love and company. Give it a try, you are worth it.