I didn’t do anything wrong

Wow.  I didn’t do anything wrong.  How long had I felt that inside, with it holding me as it’s prisoner, this constant, life long desire to prove that I was good enough, that I was okay, that I didn’t do anything wrong.  Wow.  I had a healing session yesterday with the coach/healer (Jean Brazeau, jeanbrazeau at sympatico.ca) that I see and wow.  I’m still seeing how this belief, this statement that was keeping itself well alive inside of me, was controlling my life and was inviting all these circumstances for me to have to prove that I didn’t do anything wrong or just to feel the constant guilt that I really did do something wrong.

At the session yesterday, Jean encouraged me to go to age 11 and this memory popped up for me of being 11. My brother, who was 9 at the time, and I were home alone after school.  We were watching tv when I knew I should have been doing my homework (ie, I was already doing something wrong) and the whole time, I had no idea that the upstairs toilet was overflowing.  It must have been overflowing for an hour or so, and it dripped right into the laundry room on the first floor and then right on down into the basement, essentially flooding the house.  My dad came home after work and he asked what the running water sounds were about and he was of course, quite upset and nervous.  He started swearing and he was trying to figure out where it was coming from.  I remember vaguely following him around, seeing the toilet upstairs, with the water everywhere, going into the laundry room and seeing the water dripping from the ceiling and then going to the basement, to see my dad there, in a huge puddle of water, in his business suit.  I felt like I did something wrong, like I should have known, like it was my responsibility, like I failed him.  I absorbed a lot of his anger, his disappointment, his guilt at us being at home by ourselves and all the “I can’t do this anymore,” that we have all felt on occasions such as this, like we just can’t bear how hard life is any more.  I absorbed it just as my dad absorbed it during his childhood, etc, etc.  Jean was helping me to see what a key moment and memory that was for me and just how deep it went in my life currently, how I constantly felt like I had done something wrong and that I had screwed up.

It was fascinating, because moments after that, I remembered how I was 22 and I had just moved into an apartment with a new room mate Natalie (who grew to be such a precious and beautiful friend!!) and I remember hearing water.  I remember thinking, oh, that is so soothing.  I was in the basement of the apartment/house, so I just figured I could hear the water in the pipes or something.  It soothed me to sleep, that was as far as I took it.  We had to call the landlord because of a strange smell in the apartment and he came into my room and he said, “what is that running water sound?” and he opened a trap door that was in my room that was behind my dresser and there it was, a pipe that had a leak and there was water shooting out of it, all concealed behind that wall.  He turned to me and screamed, “this is like f^*king Niagara Falls,” and he continued to swear and he directed all of this anger and negative energy towards me and made it seem like it was all my fault.  He may or may not have done it intentionally, but there I was 11 years later, re-living the same friggin moment!!  Jean helped me to give that 22 year old me a voice and I said out loud yesterday to him as a second chance, “Hey, this isn’t my fault.  I just moved into this apartment, I was told someone checked it over before I moved in here, I didn’t do anything wrong, this isn’t my responsibility,” and it felt good. It felt really good.  A voice!  I was able to give my 22 year old self a voice!  Nice!!  And then we sent her to the light, where she could be with her true family, away from the blame, her job was done.

I then mentioned to Jean that when I was a kid and teenager, I would get really nervous about being late.  It hadpopped up for me that day because I had been late twice that week and I am usually so careful about not being late.  I remembered as a kid that whenever my dad was driving me somewhere, which was often because our family lived in the suburbs of Montreal, he would leave with just enough time to get there and it would freak me out, it would make me so nervous, so terrified inside.  I remember thinking my dad liked the challenge of it, the, “Oh, I can get Bradlee there with 1 minute to spare, or at the exact time she needs to be there,” but it still freaked me out.  I remember sitting, waiting for him each time, being paralyzed and nervous, but not feeling like I could do anything about it.  While Jean and I were talking about it, she encouraged me to go there, to that memory of feeling terrified, nervous and as she was coaching me to go there, my body froze and shifted sideways.  I felt like my body was crippled and I couldn’t move and that I had been in that position for 20 years.  She helped me to see that my body felt that every time, that it really was paralyzed energetically because it freaked me out so much.

She then coached me to see that there was a past life that I had lived, where I had lived in that state.  I was able to see people carrying me away, and then I saw a big fire and Jean told me that I had been a witch, a good witch, a healer, in a past life and that I was trying to heal someone and it didn’t work out, they died, and the people carried me away and burned me at the stake.  Jean asked me to ask within, to ask that witch who I used to be, why she was presenting to me and I heard within, “you didn’t do anything wrong.”  Wow.  There it was again, so profound, so true, so what I needed to get to yesterday.  Apparently I had made a vow that day when they were carrying me to the fire, that I would never use my healing abilities again, that it meant that I would be killed, so I shut them down, and that shut down carried forward to this life.  Jean helped me to command that vow to the sun so it wouldn’t be limiting me any more, and I welcomed in all the beautiful parts of me that were shut down, paralyzed or pushed away, back in to this body and then my body started to shine within.  It was and always is a beautiful feeling.  Jean helped my body to release all the tension from the paralysis in my spine and ribcage and she helped get the energy flowing in my spine again and it made an awesome difference.

All that to say that a year ago, I didn’t believe in God, I didn’t believe in angels, I didn’t believe in past lives, but it didn’t take long after starting my work with Jean.  When you can feel God and Jesus and Mary and angels around you and when you hear their voices occasionally, it changes all that disbelief into belief.  It is such an absolute pleasure for me to be reclaiming my life, to be re-learning all those truths that I have forgotten in this life and to be re-discovering the joys of our creator and all of the support team who are here for us, we just have to believe and ask for the help.  Wow.  I’m grateful for all those experiences in my life that have helped get me to here, to this point of starting to shine again, of letting go of the fears of death, of the total and paralyzing belief that I have done something wrong and that I should be punished.  Wow.  Thank you to my soul, who is super committed to be on the fast track path of reclaiming my life, thank you to Jean for all of her beautiful work and guidance, and thank you to my family, without whom I would never have gotten to this point of choosing love in my life, instead of the total fear and sadness that dominated my life for 31 years.

I look forward to the shifts in my life now that the sun is setting on the fundamental belief I was carrying that ” I did something wrong.” This is a photo I took on my honeymoon in 2007!

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