Reconnected to me

This is a picture from the balcony of our cruise ship, from our honeymoon in 2006. I had no idea what a beautiful journey Robbin and I were about to embark on together!

I am so grateful for this journey I am on, the opening, the expanding, the breaking beyond whatever I thought was possible, beyond all the limitations I thought were me.  I am so grateful to finally be living from my heart, to be reconnected to me.  I have these memories as a kid, of me knowing there was more to me, knowing that I was big and strong, that I could be so much more, but that I felt so diminished, so small, so sad and so stuck.  I remember one time standing on the top of a huge snow mountain in grade 4 or 5 and the wind was blowing so strongly and I whipped off my tuque (my winter hat, whatever you call it if you’re not from Canada!), and I felt so strong, I remember saying in my head, I can blow them all away, I can do this, but I had no idea who I was talking to and what it was I could do.  It’s seemed kind of silly at the time, and now I kind of see it like I was feeling the strength of the wind, and I was reconnecting to me, to my strength and power, which was always there even despite how sad and lost I felt I was at 8 or 9.  The wind sparked something in me, that truth, that love and that power that was in my heart all along, but that was so lost.

Now I can honestly say that I’m starting to feel the real me, I am reconnected to me, the real and true me, the me beyond beliefs, beyond criticism, beyond judgements, beyond roles and rules, just me, and there is nothing “just” about me.  And there is nothing “just” about any of us.  If I can move through the suppressed stuff, then we all can, to find our greatness, to find our truth.  I’ve been working with Jean Brazeau (jeanbrazeau @ sympatico.ca) and with my husband Robbin Zrudlo (www.healandevolve.ca), to push past all that was not me and to rediscover the glory of me.  Sometimes I cry because I feel like I’m finally worthy of being alive, of celebrating, of living in happiness, instead of the victim role that I was soooo dead locked in, that so many of us are in.  Whether you are the aggressor or the victim, whether you are aloof or an interrogator, it’s just a role, it’s not you and you can push beyond it, there are so many ways of doing it.  If I hadn’t seen it happen to me or my husband or some of my friends who are now doing this healing work too, I would never have believed it.  I was so shut down, so hidden from the world, I wouldn’t have thought it was possible. I had to get really sick and stuck and desperate to find my way to Jean, but that’s cool that was what it took and now I feel like I’m re-awakening, it’s almost like I’m Neo from the Matrix and I chose the red pill and I’m like, “wow, I have this power, I am really here, this is what life is really like?!!” but the only difference is that I’m much happier than Neo was when he first took the pill:)

So thank goodness.  Thank goodness.  The other day in the car, my 3 year old daughter yelled out, “I’m free at last!” and I got these huge shivers, I felt like it was very significant (Jean has taught me that shivers/goose bumps occur when there is a truth, when what you are experiencing or talking about is pure truth).  I stopped the car and I looked at her, and I told her about Martin Luther King Jr. and how those words are famous around the world.  I explained to her what he did, how brave he was, how he knew the world could be better and he challenged us all to make it better.  I was sitting there in awe of her, in awe of the work we are doing as a family and how she totally spoke the truth, we are free, our family is free, we are no longer bound to all the crap that families get stuck in, we see it as old roles, energy and we work beyond it.  We do get stuck sometimes (like we currently are on this hiding when we say no to her deal) but we work through it, we are committed to her, to us, to us as a family.  I told her what Martin Luther King Jr. said, “thank God Almighty, I’m free at last,” and she yelled it out, we both did as we kept driving.  Sometimes now she just walks around and yells it out passionately.  And then, the drums in my heart start to pound and I see that she will never be as limited as I was, that I had to go through all of my life experiences to wake up, to find freedom and to lead/show her and others who are interested, in another way, a way that truly is the path of freedom, to you, to your core, to your glory.  As I’m writing this, I’m realizing I could have asked her why she felt free, but I think I just knew it deep down, that she feels so much more free than a year ago, because she is less bound to me energetically with all the “please don’t leave me” energy that I’ve released, and she is less bound to my husband for so many other reasons too, so I think she is truly feeling more free.  What more can I say?  Thank God Almighty, I’m free at last.

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