I can see now how perfect it was that I wrote my last post a few days before my latest healing with Jean Brazeau, our family’s healer/coach/guide. I have been so much more aware of what I’ve been carrying around for years, the beliefs about the body, how it works, how it looks, and that awareness has allowed me to access those limiting beliefs with Jean’s help and to get rid of them, to leave room for the real me, without beliefs, just love:)
When I was last at Jean’s house this past Thursday, she was helping me to find out what happened to me at age 11. There was no memory that came up for me at first, but it finally came when Jean got the information that it was about my period. Then I remembered that I was very confused when I got my period, that I thought there was something wrong in my underwear, maybe poop, maybe not, all I remember is that it was “gross” and that I needed to hide it. I just kept hiding my underwear, unaware really of the shame I was experiencing, unaware of the confusion, unsure of what to do. My mom finally found a pair that I had decided to put in the laundry basket, or that maybe I had missed and she told me I had my period. I remember being like this, “oh”. And she taught me how to put a pad on and then I can’t remember if she found all my underwear or if she was just showing me how to wash them (which was super helpful actually!) and then I did it myself. I really don’t know.
What came up for me during my healing session was all the shame and disgust I had felt during my life about the body. I cried a ton, I released the shame I had been carrying around. I was coughing it out too; the few days leading up to my healing session, I had felt short of breath and it was my body’s way of starting to bring up the shame, that the body had stored in my lungs/chest. Jean was helping me to see how I had absorbed the energy and beliefs my mom had about the body and society too. I think it’s hard for any of us to believe we are beautiful and that our bodies are perfect the way they are, and to see all of the body’s functions as we do a car’s, like exhaust (pee and poop), windshield washer fluid (soap and water for us to clean), etc. and without judgement. I am a step closer to this and for that I will always be grateful. For my sake, for my daughter’s sake, for everyone whom I meet, who can see me for me, and not feel the judgement and shame I was feeling about the way my body looks and works.
I my healing session, I also had some guidance from one of the past lives I had led. In one life, possibly a long time ago, I was a priestly sort of person who was very powerful and I carried a staff of life (images that came to Jean during the session). My name was Jacob. I had tried to heal someone during that life and it didn’t work and I was blamed and ostracized. Jacob and that old life of mine came up to show me that I had a beautiful gentle and soft place inside and that is where I can live from, that I don’t need to live from the place of shame and disgust that I had been living with currently, that Jacob had lived through because of the healing that didn’t work that he/I was blamed for. He was there to show me that he didn’t do anything wrong, but he carried that pain around for years, he was there to show me how much energy there is in my body about “leave me alone,” “please don’t leave me,” “I can’t do this anymore,” and in this healing, it was all about not needing to hide any more. That the shame can be done with. I can open up, be free, be me, breathe and shine and live my true life, from my heart, not from a place of hurt, with all these emotions stuck inside, suffocating me, strangling me and holding me back. Those feelings are not me, it is not any of us, we are only love, and that we need to clear this stuff out so we can finally be us, be free.
The other fascinating part about the week leading up to this healing was the changes in my body leading up to the session. I’ve typically only had cellulite on the backs of my upper thighs, but Thursday morning it was all over my whole thighs. Jean was showing me that the “disgust” I had for the body was manifesting itself, it was showing me why the body was undesirable by creating more cellulite. I’m so glad to have had this healing, it was perfect timing. I’ve been teaching a kid’s dance/yoga/connecting to their heart class and I’ve been saying to everyone that their body is perfect, just the way it is…I’ve come to know this now, but within, I was still unconsiously operating from that place of disgust. Maybe now, I can truly say that the body is beautiful and not have that inner conflict about it.
This is the healing for me as a young girl and for all the little girls out there who are confused about their bodies, who feel the confusion about how it’s supposed to look from the media, from their mom, from the people around them, from movies, magazines and dolls. May we all come to know that the body is beautiful, that it’s excretions are it’s way of maintaining itself and are just that, nothing gross, nothing to be ashamed about, just excretions and functions. May we all do away with the hate for this body, with the shame and allow our true selves to shine and to enjoy the body!!
This is a video that Jean posted on her Facebook page, that she encouraged me to watch. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpwfIE1ilio
I watched it 2 weeks ago and I think it got the ball rolling for me to access all of this inside of me, to release it and to be free and to re-adjust to life, as each healing is like a rebirth, a reawakening to my true possibilities, to life as it can be, beautiful and full of love and from my heart.
Namaste and lots of love!