I have come a long way with my body.
I used to hate my body. I used to think it was horrible, smelly, hairy, ugly and fat and wrinkly and useless. Those are a lot of horrible adjectives! I used to hide my body, be shy about it, think it was something to be hidden and something that I didn’t deserve or want. I remember being 16 and thinking that I could cut off the backs of my legs so the cellulite wouldn’t be there, and part of me knew that was really wrong, so thank goodness. I am so thankful that I always retained some aspect of love in my heart, some aspect of my true divine nature, that always came right when I needed it, to hold me up and to support me, to show me how far I had stepped away from my true self, from my heart, from the beauty that I am, that we truly all are.
Now that I am on this healing and evolving and opening journey, I see my body totally differently. In fact, the change started before that. When I first met my husband Robbin, I immediately noticed how comfortable he was with his body. Why does he have this I asked myself? What is this? How could he actually brush his teeth naked? I wanted to try that! I have vivid memories of my Dad screaming when I opened the bathroom door while he was in there. It was then that I realized that maybe I could have many different models for life, for viewing my body, for taking care of a home, for living and actually feeling responsible for my life, instead of feeling helpless (that wasn’t mean to imply my parents taught me to be helpless! It’s just that as I went out into the world, I found from watching others, from other ways of doing things, that I could reclaim the power I had so readily given up in my life and live my true life!). So I slowly started to come out of my body view, that exceptionally narrow view of my body.
I remember after my food healing (please see the My Healing sections if you’re interested!), that I walked away with such a different feeling of the body, that it could take in what it needs and let the rest pass through. Really! I remember thinking that to myself. I don’t need to worry about what I eat, I don’t need to think I’m going to be fat or worry about what to eat, etc, etc, that I could get into a place in my heart that remembered that the body has it’s own wisdom, that I don’t need to do anything, just nourish it and it will take care of the rest.
I remember when my daughter Zara wanted to be tickled naked. She loved the feeling on her body, on her skin. She was not quite 2 and a half and she asked me if she could tickle me while I was naked too. I decided to challenge my beliefs that my body was gross, so I went for it and I got naked. I laughed, like those deep belly laughs because I was doing it, and I was enjoying it.
That of course led to some brilliant teaching opportunities about the body. She was looking at my vulva (I didn’t realize that was what the whole region was actually called, until I met Robbin, thank you dear Robbin!!), and so I said, “mine has hair on it, yours will too when you get older, and you’ll get boobies when you’re older too.” That led to a discussion about periods, breast-feeding and of course, to the parts of the vulva, all while naked!! I leaned forward and showed her all the parts of her vulva, the labia, the clitoris, the urethra, the clitoral hood, the vagina. She was repeating them and pointing to them. I was so pleased, so proud! Here I was, teaching my daughter about her body, the body that I thought was ugly and no good, when it truly is a miracle to be enjoyed and marvelled at! Then she looked at me and asked me to teach her about my “vulva parts.” I couldn’t believe it, but I went for it. I showed her the deal. Then I realized that there was this undercurrent of grossed out within me while I was teaching her. So then I stopped, I said, “Zara I used to think my body was ugly and that the vulva was not a very nice part of it, but I don’t believe that any more. My body is beautiful and so is everyone’s, we all have the same parts, they just look different. I’m going to explain my parts again, while connecting to the love I have for my body,” and then I did and I felt like I was glowing inside.
What’s up now fears about the body!! Haha! Conquered! In your face! They were fears that weren’t really mine in the first place…I remember being 13 and my track and field coach had to get up off a bleacher to get something and we were encouraging her (I can’t remember why). And she said, “Oh well, I’m wearing shorts and there’s all this cellulite on my legs, I can’t go and get it, people will see it.” Boom. Imprinted into my mind. Cellulite = not worthy, ugly, don’t ever show your legs. Thanks coach. I still carry that one, but it’s more than just from her, it’s everywhere. I still catch myself, looking at the cellulite and thinking there is something wrong with it. Is it not possible that it’s the way my body prefers to store fat? I don’t know!!! I’ll take a look at that belief again and again until I can be at peace with my body, all the way at peace!!
You know, it doesn’t matter that I’m six feet tall, that I have a nicely proportioned body, brown skin and shiny hair, it really doesn’t matter what the body looks like on the outside, it’s the perception and the beliefs inside that shape everything. Over the past few years, I have come to have more instances when I look in the mirror and say, “nice!” than instances when I look and say, “you look like crap, you are ugly,” and for that I’m grateful! May the balance keep shifting!!