Well!! Here I am! I am opening, I am expanding and I am realizing that I am SOOOOOOOOOOO much more than I ever thought possible, than I ever gave myself credit for, than I ever could have dreamed possible. You know, when you stop to think about it, we’ve all been limited in so many ways, by what our parents thought/believed was or wasn’t possible, by what our teachers thought/believed was possible, our grandparents, our babysitter, our friends, by everyone.
It’s a shame, but that’s really how my life has been until the last couple of years, when my eyes were opened by the possibilities, instead of only ever seeing the negative and keeping my eyes closed from fear. My first real boss, Ian MacKay, taught me to think outside the box. Think outside the box, I remember saying to myself? I can do this? I was in a box before? I was limited, and now I can go beyond? Really? Thank goodness for Ian. He showed me and taught me so much, so did all of my colleagues at my first real job! And so did all of my friends too, and my parents too, but I was just living from such a scared, traumatized place of shock about the world, that I couldn’t see it. And when I first met my husband, wow, I was like, you can live like this, really and truly, with this apparent freedom from the box that so many of us live in? Mine was teeny tiny. Now, I’m not even sure where the walls are of that box. Did I break it down? Did it dissolve? Was it never really there in the first place? Was it something my mind created to keep me small and safe? Probably. Now that I’m healing and opening and discovering the truth and beauty of me, I’m starting to learn that there aren’t really any boxes, and there aren’t really any walls, if there are any, they are an illusion, a diversion from the truth. Once we can see that, we can be more free, to be ourselves, our glorious selves.
In the past few weeks, I have done so many things I never would have thought possible. As the walls of the box have disappeared, here is what I have done:
- I created a dance/yoga/movement/singing class for kids called Kids Connect. I am sharing it with the parenting group that I am a part of and I am having an absolute blast. I had the idea a few months ago and thanks to the healing work I’ve done with Jean Brazeau (firstname.lastname@example.org) and my husband Robbin Zrudlo (www.healandevolve.ca), it’s almost like this path has opened up for me as a huge purpose/part of my life. With Jean’s help, I discovered that I was a dancer in two past lives, as well as a teacher. She also guided me to become a Groove Method dance facilitator (www.thegroovemethod.com) and she has helped me reclaim the truth of who I am, to my core! After I did a Personal Reconnection with Robbin, I woke up two mornings in a row only to be inundated with remarkably cool ideas for classes for kids. I am excited to see where this takes me!!
- I have done things that previously would have super intimidated me, like fixing the base of our lamp because it broke off. I decided to use two planks of wood and some bungey cords and it now stands up again! It doesn’t look pretty, but I did it and I would never have attempted it before! I was so proud of myself! I also climbed up a tall ladder to the attic space above our garage to get Zara’s tricycle out. I always thought I was scared of heights, but I did it and got the tricycle down and then went up for the bike!
- I looked at the stack of old cloth diapers we have from when our daughter Zara needed them and I said, man what am I going to do with those…Now I’ve started making pads for me for when I get my period. They’re brilliant, comfortable, easy to wash and super recycled. And, Robbin helped me to design them and Zara (who is 3), pushed the pedal on the sewing machine for two whole pads worth! I was so pleased with the project! I thought of it, made it happen, accepted help, and finished it! Yes, I’m still going to make more pads, but for now, I’m just over the moon with the success!
- I’ve learned that I can just be. I don’t have to do, I don’t have to force, I can just be and that I am great and that it is enough. I was such a worrier before, always trying to make things happen, make sure everyone is okay and I’m leaving that old role and those old behaviors behind. I’m learning that I can breathe and be me and amplify the love I have in my heart so everyone feels it, including me, and that that is the best thing I can possibly do.
- I had told my neighbor that I can pick up her daughter from the bus if she’s ever not home in time! I’ve always wanted to be involved with the neighbors, to have a good relationship with them, especially since we didn’t as I was growing up. It just makes sense to me that we should all do this!! So my neighbor called me today and asked if I could pick up her daughter and look after her for an hour until she gets home. I heard and felt the old panic rise up in me, like I can’t do this, I don’t really know her daughter, but then I was like, “hold on!! I can teach a dance class with kids I don’t know, I just made some pads, this is exactly what I want, this panic doesn’t apply. AND, my neighbor actually called me to ask me if I could help, which is awesome! She trusts me and it is honestly my pleasure,” and then I was cool with it and excited.
I CAN DO IT!! I CAN DO IT ALL!! WE ALL CAN!! Let’s leap out of the box, let’s say screw it all and live free, let’s give new things a try, let’s embrace our true selves and go for it. Now that you’re grown, did you ever stop to think who is the one who is limiting you? Is it possible that it’s you? You don’t live with your parents any more, it’s your life, you get to make your own decisions. You are responsible for you. What do you really like? What does your heart yearn to do? You can listen to your heart and try new things, push yourself a little, know that you are safe and loved, it’s okay. Be the love that you are. I’m going for it and I’ll tell you it feels awesome compared to not knowing that I even had a heart, now I can feel it beating in my chest, urging me on. And the walls of the box are gone and I’m really starting to know, deep within me, that it was never really there to begin with.