I’ve been meaning to write this list for awhile now. Sometimes it feels surreal, like how can this actually be my life, how can I actually have shifted this much, how could I have gone from feeling miserable and shut down inside, to feeling this marvelous freedom that is around most of the time, that is actually me? Is this really what life is like I sometimes ask? And then I just need to stop, breathe and look at how far I’ve come, what I’ve learned and how anyone can do this too, I am not someone special or extraordinary, I am just me (although there is nothing “just” about me, and I am extraordinary and so are all of us, we just don’t know it and we haven’t been allowed/permitted, by ourselves or society, to know it).
So I’ve been reflective in the past few days, thinking about what has happened, where I am and here are some of my thoughts. I owe these learnings and these thoughts to my higher self, my higher self who was always there, who was always guiding me, loving me, supporting me, but who was obscured by the shadows of pain and sadness and judgement that were clouding everything. I also owe these learnings to Jean Brazeau, the healer/coach/guide our family sees, for she has opened my eyes, she has connected me to my higher self, she has coached me to be me, the true me. I will never have enough words for Jean, so instead, I share her message through this post and spread the love that she is to everyone I see by being my true self, who is also full of love. Namaste and many blessings to Jean!! I also owe these learnings to my husband Robbin and my daughter Zara. They are the lights in my life, they are so beautiful, so amazing, so fun, so perfect. Robbin is like a rock and he is so funny, such a gentleman, so silly, so grounded, so himself, so adventurous. He loves to cook, he loves me for me and he is my life and soul partner. I love him beyond words. And Zara, our beauty girl who just turned 3, she constantly teaches me about the world, shows me what is within me that is holding our family back and pushes me, with her beauty and her true-ness, to seek it out, to release it so we can all be free. Her intensity, her hilarity, her openness, are all inspiring, are all pure and beautiful. I am honored to be the third member in our little family.
And now, the learnings:
- The body can take in what it needs and let the rest pass through. Jean taught me this. I was so sick, I couldn’t eat anything, I had a zillion food sensitivities and so did Zara, I had seen a naturopath, was on a crazy restricted diet, got somewhat back to health, only to have it come crashing down. I had a session with Jean, I took a look at how controlled I’ve always felt, how powerless and how food was entangled in that dynamic. I took back my power from food during that session with Jean and took back my power from my life, I had given it up years ago and was learning how to get it back. Bada boom bada bing, I could eat whatever I wanted (please see My Healings, and Food Healing for more details). Jean told me that we have all lost touch with our bodies so much, that our bodies can innately do so much, if we can let them. She said I could eat whatever I wanted, my body was healthy, it was just all the shut down parts of me that were holding me back from eating, and once we looked at what was causing the shut down, I was free, I released it, and could eat whatever I wanted and Zara too. I did that healing 8 months ago and I can still eat whatever I want. Our bodies can do so much more than we know, we just need to know this, we need to spread the message. Like a cold for instance, it’s actually our bodies’ way of releasing density, energy that is heavy, that is holding us back. Vomiting is the same, peeing/pooping, all of it, it’s how our body balances itself. If we can let the body be the body and release the energy and emotions that are holding it back from functioning, then we can let it go and do the work it wants to. Some awesome books about this are The Journey by Bradon Bays, she heals herself from a basketball size uterine tumor by releasing the emotions that caused the tumor in the first place. The other one is Living in a Body on a Planet by William Linville, he teaches about the body and it’s innate abilities to heal itself, regenerate and operate at an optimum level. This is stuff we should teach in schools:)
- We all have the power, we just need to give ourselves permission to have it, to know it, to live it, to feel it. I never felt like I had any power in my life, I always wanted to be the best to get love, I always did what my parents told me because I wanted them to love me, I did everything for everyone but me. Then I started healing with Jean and now I’m seeing how I had given up so much in my life, so much of me, and now my life is going to be dedicated to living my true life, to make decisions for me from the heart, not because I want to make money, not because I think I’m fat, not because everyone else is doing something, not because it is the safe route, none of it. I am taking back my power, I will eat what I want, I will do what makes me happy, I will love myself and I will spread love wherever I go, I will smile at others because it feels right to me, I will use my voice because that is what it is for, I will not wait for others to speak for me, I will not wait for others to be responsible for me, I will make decisions, knowing that I am loved and supported by God, by the universe, by my higher self, and that I am not as limited by old roles, behaviors, or beliefs or judgements anymore. I will go for it, it is my life and I will live it dammit! I just started up a kids dance/yoga/movement class for the parents in my parenting group. I have no experience doing that, it just felt like the right thing to do and I’m really enjoying it. I would not have given myself permission to try that, to give it a shot, I would have worried about making money instead (I’ve been on leave since my daughter was born in Feb.2009), or I would have listened to the constant, “I can’t do it, I can’t do this,” in my head. Now, I’m playing with kids, teaching them with fun movements how to connect to their bodies, teaching them that they are pure love, that the emotions they feel are not them, that they can pull themselves back in, that they don’t need to hide parts of themselves away, that they are beautiful the way they are and then we get to have a crazy, silly time dancing. So in that way, I can teach them, learn from them, and empower them the way I have been slowly empowering myself with Jean’s help. A New Earth by Echardt Tolle was also helpful for me in this!
- It is okay to use my voice. I always knew I was shy, but I didn’t realize just how much. I would very rarely speak up for myself. Since starting this healing journey, I’ve been learning about the importance of saying what I need to say, I’ve blogged about it actually and I hope to do it more and more as I get more opportunities to speak where I would previously have stayed silent.(https://livingmytruelife.com/2012/01/04/finding-my-voice-and-teaching-my-daughter-to-find-hers/). I’m wanting to make this a priority all the time. Instead of being too shy about asking if they could warm up my cookie at Starbucks, I am going to ask for it. If I like it that way and I say it with a smile, why would I not go for it. If the doctor is touching my daughter in a way that makes her uncomfortable I am going to say something about it. She has a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, I have to speak up, to show her that it is okay, that it is her body and that she can honor it, that no one, not even a doctor knows more than her about her own body. If I don’t like what someone has said to me, I will find a way to say it without anger, but from a calm, neutral place, to let them know what it was I didn’t like. If I see that someone is trying to intimidate me, I will smile inside, know that what they are saying and how they are acting, is not about me, and then I will say, “it seems as though you are really angry,” and then see how that goes! I learned about that from both the Celestine Prophecy and How to Talk to Kids so Kids Will Listen and Listen So They Will Talk. I will honor myself and hold myself from a place of trueness to my heart, from integrity, and if there are times when I do not speak, when my voice is lost, I will observe and see what I can do next time. I will not keep myself in the corner, lost in silence and suffering, now that I see that life does not need to be that way, I am tired of the old way of life. Let the love in I say, let me use my voice, let me give myself permission to be me, to speak, to love, to laugh and to lead by example for Zara and for the children of the world who are our future. Let them see us all reclaiming our power, our voices, before they start to give themselves up to the world like I did, like we likely all did. Thank you Jean for helping me find my voice in each session and to Robbin who coaches me, and who practices with me when I need to practice what I would say, and to Zara, who inspires me to change my views of myself and the world, she shows me what is possible.
I am going to end this post here. It feels right. I know there are more, but those are the biggest points for me, the ones I keep in my heart all the time. I will forever be grateful to Jean, to Robbin, to Zara and to all the people whom I’ve met in the past year, who have helped me to open up, to push beyond the bull, to be me, to all those who have always accepted me and loved me despite the huge conflict I always had inside. I am forever grateful and I am so happy to be flying now and spreading my wings and sprinkling pixie dust of hope and possibility and love wherever I go.